Good things come to those who wait, right? Obviously, that’s not guaranteed, but judging from what I’ve witnessed, it’s often proven true. Things I’ve only dreamed of as a kid have materialized. I’ve flexed with Hulk Hogan and I live in a world where there’s a Wonder Woman feature film. Life is good. In many respects, it keeps getting better. How’s that, you ask? Read on! Continue reading Battling For Metropolis…In My Backyard!
There was a town-wide yard sale and bulk pickup over the weekend. I’m not the mayor so why am I telling you this? Well, just in case you want to bring up the idea at your next town council meeting. Nah, seriously, if you collect junk, this event is libel to send you into a mouth foaming frenzy. If the thought of throwing a mostly warped chest of drawers from the late ’70s into the back of your pickup drives you wild, the chance of scooping up a devastatingly decrepit Barbie Dream House will drive you crazy. Partial credit: KISS.
Let me set the scene. Here we are in suburbia and all over town people were simultaneously trying to sell their old crap to make room for their new crap. In the same weekend, whatever doesn’t sell goes out to the curb for the garbage men to haul it away to its final resting place (most likely a nearby landfill, we have plenty.)
Miss Sexy Armpit thought this was the perfect opportunity to clean out her garage. Mind you, this is not one of those garages that was transformed into a guest room, it doesn’t feature an elaborate train set display, and hell, it doesn’t even house an actual car! This is your good old junk garage, filled to the brim with the lingering possibility of finding amazing shit that would entice my dude Barry Weiss to fly into Newark Liberty International just to spend 5 minutes in it. BRB, getting my skeleton gloves…
What was in the garage? Well, here’s what was visible: drawers upon drawers with old papers, letters, coins, magazines, books, clothes, and jewelry from nearly every era from the ’30s to the ’60s. The wall is adorned with shelves and random hooks and there’s stuff hanging out every which way. If for some reason you had to take shelter in there during another cataclysmic polar vortex, there would only be enough room for one person and a 31-inch Batman figure. I knew there was no chance that One Eyed Willie ever passed through there, but still, imagine the rich stuff that was hidden deep within!
That Mouth quote from The Goonies doesn’t exactly apply here since, at first glance, the garage was pretty much a disaster area and sorely in need of some attention.
A text message from Miss Sexy Armpit alerted me to stop over because “she found something she wanted to give me.” That could’ve meant two things: I was in for a knuckle sandwich or she hit pay dirt.
As I drove into the driveway, through my windshield I saw a bunch of garbage and random stuff being shuffled around and thrown into trash bags. I got out of the car and walked over toward the garage while passing giant recycle bins of magazine from the ’60s and ’70s and bins of vinyl records dating back to the ’50s. Basically there was an antique store opening up in Miss Sexy Armpit’s garage.
“Come in here, I want to give you something” she said to me. I was hoping it wasn’t that knuckle sandwich. And let me please say that she never gives me knuckle sands., but I just really love any reference to them. They are my absolute favorite sandwich ever. Slap some Gouda on there, maybe even some pickles, get crazy. Hokey cliches FTW.
She made me close my eyes, but she wouldn’t even have known if I did or not since I was wearing my usual giant black sunglasses. I did indeed glue my eyes shut momentarily. “Hold out your hands…”
Seconds later, what was placed in my hands before me was a glorious and oddly colored Batman Transistor Radio. Dated 1973 National Periodical Publications (later known as DC Comics), the only thing it was missing was the battery cover, but the strap is STILL in tact! Batman’s purple costume is what really makes this radio special. I know that Batman gave up on his multicolored costumes in the late ’50s, but he clearly couldn’t part with his purple bat-costume. Even more amazing is that this was an officially licensed product!
According to The Radio Museum, there was also a Superman radio released at the same time. Click Here to see more photos of this transistor radio in the original box.
After about a half hour, I felt I might have hit a dead end. I was going through so many drawers and only finding old lotto tickets and wigs.
Maybe not gold in the truest sense of the word, but I was still set on finding some sort of treasure. which brings me to:
PIES MEN LIKE.
I desperately wanted the previous title to stand alone as a sentence itself because it easily could be if I was actually under the impression that enough could be said about it. It’s a proven fact that there will NEVER EVVVVEERRRRR be enough that could be said about this wondrous pamphlet from 1953.
It may have the greatest title in the history of all books that have ever been written. If only Thomas Paine could come back to life just for 30 seconds so I could show him this pamphlet, he would feel like all his work paid off. Why is this world great? Because PIES MEN LIKE exists in it. What’s even better is that now…I OWN IT.
Actually, I was sort of let down when I did a Google image search on this booklet. Apparently, it’s not as rare of a gem as I originally thought. There’s a few copies already floating around the Internet, but then again, what isn’t floating around online?
Yeah so there’s pie recipes contained inside. Let me just summarize it with this:
Miss Sexy Armpit’s mom had about 150,000 cook books and most of them were from era that provided endless tips for entertaining in your home and having successful cocktail parties. How to make punch, hors d’oeuvres, and how to please your husband. Keeping the old man happy was of utmost importance at one time. Moreover, it seems that in the modern era there’s less of a concentration on finger foods stuck with toothpicks and how cocktail umbrellas could really spice up your evening. This country needs to really refocus and realize that deviled eggs always get oohs and ahhs from party goers, and tuna casserole is one badass meal that makes mouths happy (sorry Twizzlers.) Don’t mind if I do!
This pamphlet can’t come at a more perfect time. I’ve been meaning to “get down” culinarily so maybe this booklet will be my golden ticket to a baking wonderland. Check that word out! Is it even a real word? Holy shit, I just checked and IT IS!
The quest for cool stuff continued. I doubted there would be anything of consequence after these dazzling items already. How could we surpass the greatness of an early ’70s Batman collectible and the most incredible pamphlet ever created?
Crouched down, inhaling the smell of old paper and dust, and my body sweltering from the heat, I did not surrender. As I dug ferociously through the middle drawer of a large old chest, I really felt like the journey was coming to an end. All I came across was more paperwork and lots of vintage family photos, but it seemed like the chances of finding anything else considered a jackpot was slim.
Mere seconds after I felt like my days as a Jersey picker were over, my hand started feeling a cardboard box. It was a box of checkers. Then I pulled out a chess game. All of a sudden it’s board game central. Underneath those was yet another game turned upside down.
A shock of electricity surged into my hand and up my forearm as my fingers made contact with a Wonder Woman Colorforms Adventure Set from 1976. This set was really magnificent. Although the outside is a bit shabby, the inside is nearly mint and complete except for some dust. Check out more on this Colorforms set over at Wonder Woman Collectors.
In the end, the best kinds of finds are ones you weren’t even remotely expecting at all. A big thanks to Miss Sexy Armpit for the kickass Batman radio (which was actually owned by her sister as a kid.)
I will leave you with this piece of advice:
Remember to bake your man a pie this weekend. Now poontang your ass on outta here.
“Elevator to Nowhere” from season 6 aired on September 27, 1980 and featured a team-up of Wonder Woman and The Atom. The events of this episode make it very clear that the Super Friends were easy marks and they allowed themselves to get scammed by villains all the time. If you’re a diabolical villain, luring any combination of Super Friends members into your lair or demonic device was not particularly difficult by any means and by that I mean it was like convincing a young child to calm down by giving them candy or balloons.
After hearing a message left on their emergency scanner, Wonder Woman and The Atom are “streaking” across the city in her invisible jet. They arrive at the lab of a scientist named Dr. Wells. (I wonder if that was Pamela Wells father?) The Atom was noticeably perturbed that he had to wake up in the middle of the night for this and he let Wells know about it. Why though? Isn’t he used to getting woken up in the middle of the night to save citizens from near disasters and fight off super-villains with his buddies?
Within about 30 seconds things get very TOP SECRET. And no, I’m not referring to the Val Kilmer movie. While in Dr. Well’s TOP SECRET underground lair, our heroes inadvertently waltz into a TOP SECRET time machine in the form of an elevator, which is still top secret thus far. Very coincidental that both happen to be top secret. This was nearly 20 years prior to Dr. Evil from Austin Powers mind you.
This is the moment where I was thinking “Wouldn’t it really be something if they end up in New Jersey somehow? Nah, that would never happen.” I just started getting a feeling. And sure enough, moments later, Wonder Woman pressed a button in the time elevator and accidentally activated it and sent them to Trenton, New Jersey in December of 1776 – the middle of the Revolutionary War. As you probably know, New Jersey was a major hub of activity during the war and General Washington spent much time in various places around the state.
Wonder Woman and her tiny pal are mistaken for foreign spies and arrested by the Continental Army – a fact that must’ve been conveniently overlooked in our history books. They are brought to General Washington so he could decide their fate and it’s here that The Atom gives him the idea that he’s going to be President. Just like the scene where Marty tells Goldie Wilson that he’s going to be Mayor of Hill Valley! At this point things get a little half assed. They get back to the elevator which sends them onto a Spanish galleon in the late 1600s where they meet a pirate, and then they encounter some dinosaurs as they head even further back to 70 million years BC to nab Wells.
Overall, this short episode is a pretty lame representation of the series. Perhaps it’s length limited it’s ability to be a really great parody of The Time Machine. All this talk of getting trapped in an elevator makes me think. I wish someone would make a Super Friends style parody of the 2010 film, Devil, using the DC heroes, now that would be pretty damn awesome.
In the old days, Super Heroes were known to teach kids to do the right thing. But, when they weren’t telling kids to get the proper nutrition, exercise, and obey the law, they were also scheduling their weekends for them. Here’s a pretty accurate dramatization of how it probably went down after a kid saw the above ad in the comic book they were reading: “Mom please! Palisades Park! Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman gave me coupons! Please, please!! I need to go!” Long before amusement parks were commonplace, Palisades Park was the equivalent to Six Flags. The only difference was that it stood out as one of the most extravagant amusement parks in the country. If I was a kid back when these ads were popping up in comic books and magazines I would have begged my parents to take me there for sure.
Notice Wonder Woman shoved down into the right side of the ad while Batman and Superman are cockily posing in the top left with shit eating grins on their faces. You don’t even have to wonder what’s going on behind that FREE coupon. It’s no secret that The World’s Finest team often had their differences, but one thing they both always fully agreed on was Palisades M-therf-cking Park. That’s how they referred to it too. The following is from an actual phone conversation between Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne…
BRUCE: “Hey Clark! Are you ready for the uproarious fun we’re about to partake in at Palisades M-therf-cking Park, Clark? Get it? Let’s go to the Park, Clark! I’m like Paul Simon tonight! 50 Ways to leave for the Amusement Park, sing it with me!
CLARK: I’m sorry Bruce, I can’t, I’m actually pretty busy working on an article for The Daily Planet.
BRUCE: Yeah sure you are, and Man-Bat might fly out of my butt! Here, I have a fantastic idea, you do your flying thing, and I’ll take the Whirly-Bat and we’ll see who makes it there first. This will kick so much ass, it will be better than the time I “accidentally” saw Catwoman in her lavender neglige. I rocked that pussy…uh…CAT that night. So, I bet you see a ton of hot ass with that sweet X-Ray vision of yours. Damn you Clark! Lucky bastard!
CLARK: Bruce, I’m sorry I really can’t…hey…wait one second…
(Jimmy Olsen sprints over to Clark’s desk)
CLARK: What is it Jimmy?
JIMMY OLSEN: (out of breath) You’ve got to hurry! Lois and several others are stuck on a roller coaster at Palisade’s Park in New Jersey!
BRUCE: JACKPOT! Perfect time to look up that champagne colored skirt she has on today! If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a stroll down to her lane if you catch my drift!
CLARK: Bruce, I’ve really got to go!
BRUCE: No wait! How about you take the Justice Jogger and I’ll take a bat-run through the emergency underground Bat-Tunnel and I bet I’ll still beat you there. That Justice Jogger, what a useless piece of shit! I think you’ll still lose though, mostly due to the fact that you waste too much time standing around with your fists on your hips and your cape blowing in the wind before you spring into action. By the time you get to the park I’ll have already finished riding The Cyclone, The Wild Mouse, and of course MY RIDE ahem…The Batman Slide and will have saved Lois and taken her into The Arabian Nights Tunnel of Love with extra time to spare for some brooding atop The German Fun House! Don’t worry though, I’ll wait for your slow ass at the salt water wave pool, OK Clark? Uhhh…Clark?
CLARK:…(dial tone) (cue subtle hints of John William’s Superman theme)
BRUCE: Fine! I’ll just see if old blue balls himself Dr. Manhattan feels up to going there! Who needs you anyway?
I had no idea that Wonder Woman was such a filthy, whorish, slutbag. Sitting comically on a shelf at the nearest Five Below, Wonder Woman takes the form of some sort of bath foam. For that extra shot of perversity, Wonder Woman squirts, spurts, and regurgitates “crazy foam” in a completely blatant display of nerdcore porn. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen foamy soaps done superhero style, but in this case, we can place Wonder Woman “Crazy Foam” at the top of the peak of all children’s bath foam canisters. In a glaring contrast, I’m pulling for the KISS camp to license a Gene Simmons can that spews red shave gel. It may actually make me look forward to shaving and unlike this Wonder Woman can, it would be highly appropriate.
Don’t you wonder who over at DC Comics was responsible for the Wonder Woman Crazy Foam Canister getting a huge green AUTHORIZED stamp? While drunk at the DC licensing party, I wonder if some of the hornier employees approved the proposal for a Fleshlight “Wonder Woman’s Mouth” special edition. Some lonely guys out there would probably kill for one. Picture Princess Diana’s head on this canister about 10 times the size and I think you’ll be in business. Notice she has a big hole shot through the back of her head?
Here’s the trailer for DC Comic’s upcoming Wonder Woman Animated movie:
Skipper was the younger, more experimental sister of Barbie. She was certainly trendy but not as mature as Barbie was in terms of her chest region. Skipper was just discovering the world right along with me. Her and I had alot of chemistry. We both loved the beach and doing other cool stuff like well…going to the beach. You see, when I was 4 years old, it was much more appealing to be involved with an energetic, fresh faced, blue-eyed blonde with spunk than a twenty-something skank who’s been around the block more times than an ice cream truck. She was right up my alley because she was young, petite, and had blonde hair. She was everything I looked for in a girl. Skipper’s appearance changed numerous times throughout the years but the cute, blonde skipper is the one I remember.
Skipper seemed filled with a lust for life that Barbie seemed to have lost. The thought of Skipper being closer to me in age really grabbed me. I felt like I had more of a chance with her. Barbie was off in her Dream House with Ken biting her pillow while the vulnerable, impressionable, and parentless Skipper didn’t have much to do. I felt like even though I was younger than her I could sort of rescue her from her older sisters neglect and out of control cocaine habit. Remember, it was the ‘80s.
She wasn’t a promiscuous teenager either. She liked the chase. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be with her. When Barbie was babysitting Skipper, I would come and hang out with both of the hotties. And naturally, my chances were a lot better with Skipper, although if Ken was at work who knew what types of debauchery could take place in the DREAM HOUSE! OK so, nothing really badass happened like that but I did get to “explore” quite a bit.
I remember being very distressed over the fact that Skipper shared the same name as a character on Gilligan’s Island, a show I watched relentlessly as a kid. Lets face it, Skipper wasn’t really nautical in any way but who said Barbie dolls made any sense? I can’t provide a good reason as to why Skipper had numerous other ludicrous nicknames. Let’s take a look at some: Hot Stuff Skipper, Horse Loving Skipper, (that‘s just wrong, why didn‘t they just name her Bestiality Skipper?) Super Teen Skipper, (what a coincidence, something just popped up on my computer screen that said Super Teen Stripper) And finally, talk about overlap, there was Sun Lovin’ Malibu Skipper and Sunsational Malibu Skipper!
While I was very young I was attracted to Skipper but as I started to get a little older I began to appreciate the finer things in life. As a few years past, Jem and the Holograms opened new doors for me. What could I say, I liked the rock chicks with big hair. Not only in cartoons but in real life I was digging rocker chicks also. From Lita Ford to Vixen they had the spotlight when I was a kid.
So, my taste in women matured when Barbie suddenly decided she wanted to be a rock star. It was 1985 and Barbie wouldn’t let Jem and the Holograms steal her thunder: “No way bitch I’ve been around for 25 years and I could rock out too.” Hence Barbie and the Rockers were born. What 7 year old boy wasn’t at least a little turned on by Barbie and Rockers? Okay probably NONE of you. But they did have their own stage and instruments!
Chicks with multicolored hair have always been a huge turn on for me. Chances are, if you have any type of neon color running through your hair I’ll think it’s cool. I’m easily sold. Perhaps this was a residual effect from the Jem period of my youth?
This article doesn’t mean I have some kind of weird doll fetish but DAMN people have fetishes for everything nowadays. There’s porn of cartoon characters which baffles me. How anyone can get off to that is beyond me. I seriously wouldn’t doubt there’s a niche for doll erotica. This article is merely about the shock that came over me when I realized, “Holy Shit, Barbie is f’n HOT!” Old school Barbie dolls were pretty generic looking dolls. They’ve gotten more glamorous and detailed over the years but they haven’t been closer to resembling an ACTUAL HOT CHICK than they do NOW! And Supergirl? Fughetabout it! Cosplay Barbies? Wowee. Who doesn’t love a girl dressed as Supergirl, Batgirl, or Wonder Woman? All of us geeky superhero obsessed dudes would take that any day. Ahem..If she wasn’t made of plastic that is.