College Humor’s “Colonial New Jersey” Sketch

I could pretty much guess the questions that are popping into your mind as you’re watching this. I’ll take the liberty of preemptively tackling them for you:
1) Since I’m from Jersey, do I walk around with a fake tan? Nope.
2) Is my hair done in a “blowout” ?? Definitely not.
3) Do I speak as ridiculous as “deez guyz?” That’s a negative Ghostrider.
4) What are the names of your left and right bicepts? They remain unnamed. Even though I don’t kiss them or make out with them like the guy in this video, I do admire them every now and then when I’m practicing my Hulk Hogan poses in the mirror.
**Notice the folks at College Humor referred to Jersey as one of the “Armpit Colonies.” 

If Things Never Got Cold

The summer is approaching and the weather is heating up. Man, I can’t describe how much I take my central air for granted as I sit in an 83 degree condo. We already know what happens when it gets hot since we’ve heard it in a ton of songs. Gonna Make You Sweat, Hot in Herre, Hotter Than Hell, Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot. Even the poor misunderstood Paris said “That’s hot.” But what happens if things didn’t ever get cold? Those iconic songs and quotes will seem like a Nostradamus prophecy.

For Van Winkle’s sake we wouldn’t have Ice Ice Baby
And the nipples wouldn’t get hard on your lady
There would be no cubes to drop in her drink
After you slip those roofies to get to into her pink
How would hockey players skate in the rink?
Want to go see the rollerblade capades? It’s fun, I swear!
Kids wouldn’t get to savor snow days, it wouldn’t be fair!
Freeky Freezies would be well…um…just plain freaky
But I’d still have the hots for Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jack Torrance wouldn’t have been frozen in the maze
Too Cold, Too Cold…it’s the phrase that pays
and that badass will lose his ice cold gaze
Say hello to your new chief of staff Johnny Blaze
It’s a cream truck now since it lost it’s “Ice”
it’s the worst occurrence since Bo B… (oops! no “ice”)
You’ll never have to break the ice or pretend to be nice
You wouldn’t be “iced out” so there’d be no name for jewelry in hip hop
although shorts would still be acceptable on that hot cop
Think about it…Icee’s would turn into Meltees
and you’d have no use for cold eeze.
IMDB wouldn’t acknowledge Arnold’s turn as Mr. Freeze
Unfortunately not much would change with Ree-Yees
What would I do in suburbia without iced tea?
Could we still play We Ski for the Wii?
No icebergs, so the Titanic wouldn’t sink
it’s a scorcher out there, so have yourself a warm drink
Fughetabout Fla-vor-ice you freaks
And NO ICE in 9 1/2 weeks 🙁
Hey look what’s not freezing…the stream of piss as you’re taking a leak. Goodbye to that Hoth planet. Take more clothes off! Dammit Janet! Freeze tag reverts back to the plain old tag, and you’ll never need de-icer on the windshield of your brand new jag. David Blaine ain’t living in a block of ice in New York, and the Yeti has gone into hiding and feels like a total dork. Your pillow is never cold when you lay down your head and the toilet seat is never cold when you sit your ass on the head. To think i can’t even call Lacie Heart HOT anymore but at least we’ll still have our memories of the cold war. Cool ice sculptures would become no more than a spill on the floor.

In the middle of the 3rd period there was a big hit on center puddle and on the football field you won’t see the players breath in the huddle. If you’re desperately wishing for a blizzard, you’ll have to go see the wizard. He’ll also give you a melting klondike bar, figure out what you want to do with it. Maybe you’ll eat it with Iceman Tom Kazansky, you know he can chomp down on that shit. From Chily Willy to Frosty the Snowman and Cookie Puss to Fudgie the Whale it’s all over for them, hammer their coffin with a nail. Icy Hot is still in business no surprise. What the heck are Eskimo pies? Freezing over? What’s with all those lies?
Tourism to Hell is on the rise. Global Warming can suck my d–k, how about 2 nice big snow balls to lick?

We’d experience hot season never “cold season.” Your assets would never get frozen. You’re girl would never complain that it was too cold to take her clothes off. Not only during the holidays would our hearts be warm. Paula Abdul would be missing a hit “Cold Hearted Snake.” And kids wouldn’t fall through a half frozen lake. Never again would a Wendy’s frosty touch your lips, or a 7-11 Slurpee tingle your tongue.

The cliché a cold day in hell would become obsolete. The cryogenic chamber scene in Austin Powers would be edited out of the film. Erased from existence…much like Marty might have been. “What is it hot?“ no cold…damn cold. Not anymore. Leftovers such as Meatloaf would spoil, even if it’s in a deep freeze and riding a motorcycle. You’d now have more of a reason to cover up the fact that Snow Job was your favorite G.I Joe character. Al Snow..well…you can call him “Al”…you must. Skiing and snowboarding would be pretty asinine. The popular pastime of Snowballing…well that would still happen since temperature isn’t really involved. But I would imagine it’s fairly warm.

Tone Loc still can’t remember how her made his medina cold. Wanna kill someone? Damn sure it won’t be in cold blood. Everyone would want to perform in front of large crowds cause they’ll never get cold feet. The band Hot Hot Heat record an updated version of the national anthem. The people of Alaska and and the Arctic polar bears would have year long yub-yub type celebrations. This just in: Steve Austin brings back “Stunning” moniker. Bruce Springsteen will get hit with a 10th avenue melt out. Oh, and about that new horror film that came out this week…if it was a few years ago…critics would’ve hailed it as “Chilling.” You’d always be able to find shit that people have hidden on you. Guess where your birthday gift is? You’re warm…you’re geting hot…you’re burning up…you’re on frickin’ fire! Wow, this is easy! Maybe sitting in this 83 degree condo isn’t so bad after all.

Memorial Day Recap

Many of you had big plans for Memorial Day weekend. I know alot of you were getting obliterated, barbecuing, and socializing. My weekend didn’t involve any of that but I’ll run down some of the high points for you.

I’ve been waiting in great anticipation for Thursday at 8:00 pm to go to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. I was so excited for it that I had my advance tickets on Tuesday! I headed over to the AMC theater in New Brunswick without even eating dinner. I was too pumped. I could care less about bad reviews or box office take, this movie was awesome. Some say it’s too long or too confusing but if you’re a fan of the series and you love the characters then you will be treated to an exciting, epic adventure.

Saturday I had a beer with a friend at Hooters of Union, N.J. and then watched the Spurs game.

Sunday was a trip down to Atlantic City to see Gwen Stefani at the Borgata. Just as we were approaching the end of the A.C expressway there was a 10-car accident that was blocking all of the lanes. I wasn’t about to sit and wait three hours for the cops and the ambulances to come and get it squared away. Some of the crafty drivers who were stopped in traffic realized that they could creep through a tight spot on the right shoulder and pass through the mess. Only five or six cars were brave enough to sneak through and I was one of them. Shit, Gwen Stefani was only a mile away!

I was hungry as hell and I knew that they opened a Fatbuger at the downstairs food court at the Borgata. I never tasted a Fatbuger before and I was curious to see what all the hype was about. Eve since I was 6 years old I wondered what the Beastie Boys were referring to in their song “The New Style,” and now I know. I ordered the original Fatburger (w/no onions) with Fries and a Coke which is the way a burger should be served! It was definitely a “tasty burger” as Jules said in Pulp Fiction but it wasn’t too different than a burger from Johnny Rockets. It was definitely enjoyable though.

Before heading to the event center for the show I made a stop at one of the Borgata’s luxurious bathrooms. If you ever have to take a trip to the bathroom and you are like me and you hate shitting in a public restroom – the BORGATA is the place to do it. The best part is that there are literally 30 urinals and like 20 stalls. This isn’t normal by any means. With the amount of bathrooms in the place I don’t think any one bathroom would ever be filled to the max. That means a helluva lot of people need to shit at the same time, that would be uncanny. This is a bathroom sent from Heaven. This is most likely the way the public restrooms are up there after you enter the gates and you have to pee really bad you make a right and there you are at the Borgata bathroom. Who would’ve thunk that a bathroom in New Jersey would be so awesome!

I spent some time at the TOP GUN SLOT MACHINE! While this may not be as cool as the Star Wars slots it’s a very close second. The seat your in vibrates and makes noise while the F-14 does a fly-by onscreen. The bonus game is pretty cool because it lets you attempt to fly into the
bonus number you would like. The only downside is that it plays a cheesy cover version of “Danger Zone” instead of the original by Kenny Loggins.

Gwen Stefani put on a fantastic show as usual. The wait time and standing through the horrid Lady Sovereign was tough but I made it through.