New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 21: Jason Takes New Jersey!

Photobucket
Nothing would have broken my listlessness upon hearing the news that one of my favorite horror franchises would be getting the goldigging Hollywood reboot. At that point, not even Jason Voorhees stabbing me through my brain couldn’t have elicited a response from me. In fact, Jason himself could’ve launched himself out of Crystal Lake, jogged to my condo, crashed through my window, and took off his hockey mask and told me personally that Michael Bay would be bringing him to life once again and I would’ve shook my head somberly with a question mark floating over my head. I have to accept that remakes are and always will be a fact of life, and I have to take the good and take the bad like Tootie did.
That’s right folks, we must gauge the threat level of all these ridiculous remakes, prequels, and reboots. My lack of enthusiasm level was at SEVERE when I first heard the news of the Friday the 13th reboot, but after seeing the film, the level dropped to a breezy blue which is merely referred to as GUARDED. What was one of the reasons for the decrease? Why of course it was the fact that the filmmakers didn’t ignore the original film’s New Jersey roots!
Originally, I read on several websites that the new F13 would not be filmed in New Jersey, but in Texas. My mind conjured up the idea that this new version would reference Texas as the new home of Camp Crystal Lake, which worried me to the point where I didn’t even want to see the film. It wasn’t much of a stretch since the filmmakers may have wanted to pay tribute to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was appreciative when I saw the scene where the gang drives to a convenience store for some gas and munchies. Their black Escalade was all duked out in a couple of New Jersey license plates! I felt like 3PO after an oil bath.

Photobucket
I can’t speak for the legions of fans of Freddy and Jason, but personally I cringe at the fact that movies from my youth have been primped and given cute little bows like when the Cowardly Lion was turned into a sweet little girl after a makeover in the Wizard of Oz. What little bit of ferocity he exuded was depleted right at that moment. At one time, ’80s horror franchises had more in common with the Scarecrow. After a while he kept losing his hay and stuffing, and if he didn’t get re-stuffed he wouldn’t survive. I suppose if Freddy didn’t start wearing cool sunglasses on the beach, playing video games, and uttering cringeworthy puns that made Robin the Boy Wonder seem like he was doing amateur night at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, NJ, then maybe the Nightmare on Elm Street series would’ve died after Dream Warriors. Jason Voorhees was the wiser of the two since he packed up his shit and went into space! He knew that only something that outlandish would spell certain doom for his series. While not completely horrible, 2009’s Friday the 13th could have been more memorable, but it was a satisfying film, and it gave NJ the props it deserved.

Lost Boys: The Tribe: Movie Sucks, Corey Feldman Wins, and Film References Galore!

“Better late than never” movie sequels seem to be the latest trend in Hollywood. In the past couple of years we’ve had to deal with sequels to movies like Rocky, and Indiana Jones, both of which were 15 years tardy. It’s not to say these films aren’t without merit. Personally I get excited when a film gets released after its franchise has been missing from theaters for close to a score. You can imagine the hefty amount of anticipation that builds up. What if the movie sucks after this huge gap of time? All that anticipation morphs together into one huge glowing energy ball and launches itself out of my stomach and rips right through the movie screen. Well, not exactly but it would actually be better if the ball traveled to the movie studios and knocked these stupid film producers right on their asses. They have no sense sometimes.

Did you ever think you were going to see a sequel to Better off Dead? Probably not, right? Well 23 years after the film was in theaters is a better time than any I’d say. Why not a sequel to The Secret of My Success (1987) while we’re at it? Or Real Genius? Any movie is fair game. The big wigs in Hollywood are so asinine that they think a lame unrelated sequel to an old school franchise is automatically going to be successful. That unfortunately isn’t the case and I’ll speak for the greater population while I say that we’d all like some new and refreshing plots and engaging films. Did you ever think of how scared movie producers are to invest their money? A smart way to sell them an original script is by saying they could package their movie as “Wes Craven Presents” or as “The Lost Boys: The Tribe” like today’s shameful example. The film was 21 years too late but lucky for us it only sucked about 90 minutes of our time away from our lives. Shit, I almost became a vampire by watching it because it sucked so much life out of me. Oh yeah…and it just sucked in general.

I’m a loyal fan of the first Lost Boys, and seeing it in theaters when it was released really had an impact on me. I would say that regardless of how many Universal horror films and Dracula movies I watched as a kid, that The Lost Boys started my fascination with vampires. That’s a heavy load to carry…a load that smells like Frog juice (for those of you with a wet bar: mix raw egg, garlic, and holy water).

Lost Boys: The Tribe was a lame excuse for a sequel. It basically just used the name “Lost Boys” and the character of Edgar Frog played by Corey Feldman. The rest of it is “The O.C meets The Lost Boys.” The characters, especially the villains, get killed off quickly and we don’t even get much of a chance to love them or hate them. The introduction of Edgar Frog seems uneven in the film. Personally I think the script was written as a typical vampire film and then reworked after the producers lured The Feldster back in the mix. Well who cares, as long as Corey Feldman is back! He’s the man in this film and the highlight of the entire movie. He looks like he’s having a lot of fun playing Edgar Frog again and it’s a damn shame that he doesn’t have, at the very least, the success of his Goonies counterpart Sean Astin.

Speaking of The Goonies, utter suckyness aside, Lost Boys the Tribe spent a lot of time referencing a bunch of films. The blatant references became ridiculous at times. It seemed like the filmmakers wanted to name drop movies to be cool with the hipsters. You know those people…the ones who latch onto things way too late but they think they discovered something new.

Here’s a list of movie references from Lost Boys: The Tribe

10:12 Yes, The Tribe references…wait for it…The Lost Boys! There’s a short montage reminiscent of one in the original where various “strange” people around town are shown. This guy is clearly supposed to represent how Tim Cappello’s (greased up sax player singing “I Still Believe”) character would look 20 years later. The Tribe only wishes they had something as cool as a greased up WWE looking sax player singing that badass song. It would’ve worked wonders. If The Tribe is a hideous zit, then greasy Tim Cappello is the Clearasil.

13:23 “…Yes leave our address at the creepy Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer, it’s a good plan”
17:11 Besides Corey Feldman’s flawless performance, this reference is the films only saving grace: “You mean to say the two of you have never heard of The Goonies? You are in for a very serious treat.” Truer words were never spoken! Maybe 17 minutes into the film the DVD player actually just starts playing The Goonies instead and Lost Boys The Tribe was actually all a big joke! That’s marketing genius. Let’s sell more copies of The Goonies! I wonder if the same people who made Vice Versa and Trading Places feel like making “Edgar Frog meets Clark “Mouth” Devereaux?” If so then I’m offering to direct it.
18:48 “…ties the whole room together kinda like that rug in The Big Lebowski
1:00:39 You don’t get much more blatant than this: “Warriors! Come out to Play-ay!”
1:10:12 While it’s not really a movie, I had to throw it in: “That’s still something I can see on my Girls Gone Wild Box Set…”

All the movie references in the world wouldn’t have saved this piece of trash, even Haim’s bizarre appearance in an alternate ending. Please, someone important hire Corey Feldman so he can finally get his due! And get all of us who watched Lost Boys: The Tribe a mind wipe from that Haitian guy on Heroes so we won’t have to remember sitting through it.

Tuesday’s Trash

This will probably be my next “favorite movie of all time.” John C Reilly is a genius! All I can say is: Patrick Duffy!

If you get Fearnet and you never saw it, I definitely recommend watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre part 2. It’s from one of my favorite years: 1986. I watched it and it’s pretty good. I think some fans might’ve been turned off because it was sort of comedic. Bill Moseley is in top form as Chop Top.

WWE Summerslam is coming up on Sunday 8/26 and it’s right here in the great state of New Jersey! I’ll be front and center in the Meadowlands for this one. I’ve never had the luck to score tickets to a WWE Pay Per View so I’m pretty pumped. I’ll have a report for you. I’ll have to watch out that I don’t get hit with Triple H’s spitwater.

In Music,

It’s the end of the world: K-Fed on the WB’s One Tree Hill!

October 2nd brings Bruce Springsteen’s latest album Magic. Here’s the cover. I don’t get why it’s just a picture of Bruce and his name when it features the E Street band. It’s supposedly more rock oriented and with song titles like Girls in their Summer Clothes, Last To Die, and Devil’s Arcade, this one might be a throwback to the old school E-Street band.

Foxy Brown has legal trouble in New Jersey?

KISSology 2 isn’t as good as I expected and I’m really sick of all the different bonus discs at different stores. Can’t they just include all of that footage and charge a little more? As I get older a wild goose chase for a bonus disc of Kiss at Budokan is not what I call fun.

Speaking of KISS, did you see the end of Entourage? New York Groove played over the credits. Ari just gets funnier as the show progresses.

The Donnas have a new CD that will be released on an Indie label on 9/18.

Blabbermouth.net has an article about Axl Rose guesting on Sebastian Bach’s new album. He appears on 3 SONGS! That’s kick-ass, I don’t give a f–k I’ll say it! Love is a Bitchslap could be the best song title around since Buckcherry’s Crazy Bitch. Axl seems super humble in the interview excerpts. What’s with that? And he talks about Chinese Democracy like it’s actually gonna come out!