10 Things I Love About Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Shark Week is coming. Matter of fact, a friggin’ Sharknado is scheduled to touch down tonight, on SyFy Channel. Luckily, this time it’s New York City that will be infiltrated by sharks, but rewind only a couple of summers and it was the Jersey Shore that was overrun by sharks in glorious Sy-Fy style. It was blood spattered, B-Movie bliss!

Preppy rich folk are trying to build a beach club spa and undersea drilling from the project winds up attracting a very rare species of CGI albino bull sharks, the natural non-tanned well known enemy of the shore faring orange gorilla guido. A Jersey Shore Shark Attack of epic proportions ensues.

While MTV’s Jersey Shore is a distant memory to many of us, clearly its impact still lingers. Jersey Shore was in its final season when Jersey Shore Shark Attack aired on SyFy Channel in the summer of 2012. Similar in spirit to 2010’s Piranha 3-D, another film with Jersey connections, JSSA garnered a better than expected 3 out of 10 stars on IMDB and 25% liked it on Rotten Tomatoes.

The title is a bit misleading because the movie has nothing to do with the actual shark attacks that happened along the Jersey Shore in 1916. If it bums you out and you were geared up for some historical progressive era carnage, you are S.O.L. there, but you’re in luck here because I’ve compiled 10 things I love about this movie. Here we go!

10. No actors from New Jersey appear in this production. This is not surprising. The closest we get is Staten Island’s Jeremy Luke who plays “The Complication” and sort of looks like a white Tracy Morgan. Staten Island is so close to New Jersey that it’s apparent why he was also cast in other Jersey related films like Don Jon and Jersey Boys. This guy is likable on screen and he’s definitely going to become a familiar face. You’ll enjoy his performance more than watching the real Situation.

9. Guy fishing in a canoe smoking a cigar catches a…New Jersey Turnpike sign. This sign is so iconic to me that it’s been part of my site logo for nearly 10 years. That wasn’t the only surprise this guy got, he caught the severed head of a guidette! Pulling body parts out of the water in Jersey is a weekly occurrence here, they aren’t embellishing.

8. Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) plays boardwalk Tiki bar proprietor, Captain Sallie. Although he was born in Brooklyn, Sirico will always be associated with New Jersey thanks to The Sopranos.

7. WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. With Super Soakers.

6. The Warriors reference. “Preppies come out and pla–ay!” The Preppies think the Guidos are trash but they both have to grudgingly team up in this film. Ugh, how excruciating.

5. Jack Scalia rules. He’s like a Shakespearean actor. Who needs Anthony Hopkins when we have friggin’ J.Scal? My mom had one of those hunky pictures of him on our fridge in the ’80s so there’s that. Oh, and there was also one on the inside of our coffee mug cabinet.

4. Luring sharks with Protein bars, they might be onto something.

BJ: 
“You really think you’re gonna attract sharks with protein bars?” 
DONNIE: 
“Nothing’s gonna resist 25 grams of power packed peanut butter crunch!”
(he delivers this line like a pro-wrestler cutting a promo!)

3. Italian Stereotypes to the MAX er, um the MASSIMO! Bocce Ball! Grappa! Sopressata! Surprisingly, I don’t think there was one mention of a cannoli.

“Ya got 10 miles of beautiful white sandy beaches, blue sky, and what do you have to show for it? Wet T-shirt contests and funnel cake…”

2. ATHERTON! The brilliant William Atherton will help you’ll get a feel for the other side of the Jersey shore, the one that that you don’t often see depicted on TV – the yuppie rich folks who own yachts and mansions right on the beach. They wear boat shoes. You know them. Guidos don’t seem so annoying in comparison right? Atherton is the big pretentious a-hole from that crew, similar to Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. This time, instead of turning off the protection grid like Walter Peck in Ghostbusters, he’s activating undersea drills that attract killer sharks in order to build his beach club.

1. Thank you Captain Obvious! This movie over-explains everything and I love every utterance. After a shark launched into the air and swallowed N’Sync’s “legendary” Joey Fatone whole, the actual Vinny from Jersey Shore yells “Joey Fatone just got eaten by a shark!” Or, how about the classic “Help me my foot is stuck,” when Nooki’s (knockoff Snooki) foot was stuck. Riveting! In the end, there’s even a celebratory fist pumping “Guido” chant to remind viewers that these guys are supposed to be guidos.

Gotham Shore by Bill Walko

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Gotham Shore by the phenomenal Bill Walko

Jumping the shark is an understatement – they fist pumped the shark. MTV’s Jersey Shore had it’s time in the sun, but it’s soooo time for it to come to and end. This week the show will begin it’s 6th and final season to the joy of loads of New Jerseyans. Let’s just hope Abed from Community doesn’t ask for it to get 6 seasons and a movie.

It was nice to have the show draw attention to our state, but the stupid stereotypes were and still are annoying. We were the brunt of jokes way before Jersey Shore premiered, and we’ll be the brunt of them 100 years from now, so it doesn’t matter either way. Now we have to deal with lame shows like Made in Jersey. In the future we’ll probably look back fondly on the Jersey Shore and get all fuzzy and nostalgic. Kids in future generations will say “What the hell is a Snooki?” to the amusement of their parents and then score millions of hits on YouTube.

*Artist Bill Walko who created the Batman/Jersey Shore mash-up above will be appearing at this year’s New York Comic Con. Stop over and check out his Deviant Art Page!

If Disney Made MTV’s Jersey Shore

Stumbled onto this parody while on YouTube. Many of you might just say…”wow, this user has too much time on their hands,” but xXCaraTabrettXx actually did a pretty damn good job. I’m surprised Disney hasn’t yanked it off yet.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oACE-zw6nE?rel=0]

Jersey Shornaments

Jersey Shore Ornaments

Vinny, Sammie, J-Woww, Snooki, and Situation all had a nice run on MTV’s Jersey Shore. With the low attention span of the public eye and the constant need for something new, It seems that Jersey Shore peaked before heading off to Italy. This doesn’t mean that next season won’t score high ratings, it just means that the novelty is about to wear off, and I’m thankful for that.

Considering that more than half of the cast isn’t even from New Jersey the authenticity is shot down. Several seasons into the show the entire country now believes that these people represent New Jersey. Here’s the rundown: The Situation was born in Staten Island and grew up in New Jersey, Sammi is from Hazlet NJ, and late to the party is Deena from New Egypt NJ. 
It’s not about being proud that I was born and bred in New Jersey, it’s more about the fact that people throughout Jersey are JERSEY…these people are not. The fact that much of the cast is from Staten Island and New York is a pretty good indication of the type of demographic that visits the Jersey shore. The stereotypes we are being punished with stemming from this show should actually be transferred to the out- of-towners who give us a bad rap.
After all of that, how could I bring myself to put Jersey Shore ornaments on my Christmas tree? I’d love to know how many people around the world have these on their trees this year! If you have one let us know in the comments!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 80: It’s T-Shirt Time!

Shore Store T-Shirts
Some of the Jersey Shore T-Shirts available at The Shore Store

It’s seriously t-shirt time here at The Sexy Armpit! I figured since the new season of Jersey Shore premiered last week, why not delve into the vast collection of tees offered at The Shore Store in Seaside Heights. This is the store where the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore works when they aren’t getting drunk, smushing, throwing each others belongings onto the deck, fist pumping, or signaling oncoming grenades.

Shore Store T-shirts

If you scan through their online store, you’ll see that they offer a wide array of t-shirts, some highly offensive and some totally stupid, but the main attractions are the amusing New Jersey tees for sale. As you can see, there’s a good chance that the 4th grade class at your local elementary school came up with the one liners on these t-shirts, not William Shakespeare as you may have thought. In case you hadn’t guessed, Come Smell For Yourself is my favorite.

Snooki Smurf a.k.a Jersey Smurf

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Celebrity Smurfs We’d Like to See was a featured colum last year on Lopez Tonight‘s website. On the list we learned that the only orange Smurf is Jersey Smurf! Let’s hope the fake tanned Snooki/Smurf hybrid doesn’t go off into Smurf village and corrupt Smurfette by taking her out to all the Smurf juice bars. After a night beatin’ up the beat, I can only imagine what kind of a Situation it will be when a sloshed Smurfette smushes some gorilla juice head.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 74: Take Sesame Street To The Jersey Shore

jersey shore sesame street 2

Mash-ups in pop culture are inevitable no matter how blasphemous. If you grew up watching Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, then there’s a damn good chance you are furious over the mere idea of the Sesame Street gang getting mixed up with the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s like the apostles banding together to create one righteously badass boy band, it’s just something that’s never supposed to happen. But when t-shirt sales are involved, all bets are off!

For some reason I can see Bert and Ernie going tanning and doing laundry, but I doubt I’d catch them at the gym since they seem pretty doughy. Maybe The Situation and Pauly D. have inspired them to tone up for beach season or bathtub season in their case? Oscar seems to fit right in. He’s chillin’ in a trash can that has an “I Heart Jersey” sign on it, and I’m sure he’ll be quite happy since we’ve got a helluva lot of trash here in Jersey. They really should’ve got the Muppets in on this and asked Miss Piggy if she wanted to be Snooki.

jersey shore sesame street 1

In the t-shirt pictured above, It looks like Cookie Monster turned red from too much tanning and had a sex change. I always thought Cookie Monster was male but seeing him as Snooki Monster has me worried. I hope Cookie Monster didn’t go and have any weird Muppet operation. I realize it’s only a play on words but who knows, right? Do you have a direct line into Cookie Monster’s personal affairs? Does he tell you his innermost feelings? Maybe he was never comfortable as himself and he engorges himself with COOOOOOKIES to help alleviate his misery. Until you truly know Cookie Monster then don’t make any assumptions! If he wants to have an operation to become a pudgy, tanned guidette who eats pickles instead of cookies, then so be it. We love you either way Cookie Monster.

Santino Saturday Night!

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From The WWE Fall Preview 2007: “From Paterson, NJ”

“Wrestlemahnia” as Santino Marella pronounces it, is upon us! Whether you’re a wrestling fan or not, it’s the Super Bowl of sports entertainment. That isn’t some cliched pop culture analogy either, it’s true. No matter how many cringe worthy moments there usually are at Wrestlemania, I still get excited for the event after all these years. And I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Snooki from Jersey Shore will attempt to channel her fiery cat fighting skills as well as her horrific fake tan to help John Morrison and Trish Stratus subdue Dolph Ziggler and Lay-Cool at Wrestlemania 27.

In honor of the funniest man in WWE, Santino Marella, I’ve dubbed tonight Santino Saturday Night. I’m sure you can guess what tomorrow morning is! Why would I dedicate an entire post to The Tortellini of Temptation? Aside from constantly making me laugh, when Santino was first introduced in WWE he hailed from Paterson New Jersey, which is spelled with one T contrary to it’s spelling in the picture above. Nowadays, he’s announced as being from Calabria, Italy, but he was actually born in Canada. No matter what, I still fondly recall the days that the WWE writers got a kick out of claiming he was from New Jersey. Tomorrow, Santino will team up with his partner Vladimir Kozlov, The Big Show, and Kane to take on I-C Champ Wade Barrett, Ezekiel Jackson, Heath Slater, and Justin Gabriel.

Top 10 Other Meanings of G.T.L: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 70

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The Situation isn’t the only one who can coin original acronyms. Anyone can do it! Acronyms make it easier to remember names, companies, lists, and other stuff, but when the acronym has more than one meaning, that’s when remembering them all becomes a task. Since we are already familiar with Gym, Tanning, and Laundry, I have gathered together many of the alternate words that the letters G.T.L also stand for. Even TNA Wrestler Robbie E. formulated his own credo of G.T.W (Gym, Tanning and Wrestling.) Feel free to create your own! Here’s some from The Sexy Armpit:

Goobers. Trannies. Lint
Ghouls. Trix. Lauper
Gremlins. Tomes and TalismansLabyrinth 
Guidos. Wasabi. Licky Boom Boom Down
Gwildor. Torture. Labias
GaGa. Teeth. Lingerie
Grendel. Titties. Lube
Ghoulash. Tacos. Lime-aid
Go-Bots. Transformers. Lion-O
Tokka. Grover. Lurch