Screw Jaegers, We’ve Got MEGAS XLR!

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What do you do when your country is being attacked by giant Kaiju monsters? Call the Transformers? I think not, they already have enough on their plates! In the sci-fi movie Pacific Rim, released today, Jaegers are the giant robots that have been created to combat the Kaiju monsters in the film which are similar to Godzilla. The “mechas,” or robots, require two pilots on the same wavelength to control each massive machine. Since I haven’t seen Pacific Rim yet, I can’t say if the Jaegers are successful in their defense of the country, but if they wind up having some trouble, I can recommend some help.

One of my favorite, albeit short lived, Cartoon Network shows was Megas XLR. Pre-dating Pacific Rim by 9 years, Megas XLR, a show about a giant robot resurrected in a Jersey City junkyard, premiered in 2004 on the Toonami block. It’s also important to mention that the Transformers live-action film didn’t hit theaters until 3 years later! Enough bragging though, Megas XLR wasn’t just a show about an eXtra Large Robot, it also featured a couple of standard issue Jersey slacker dudes. They snack, sip Slurpees, and listen to loud rock music. Extremely common behavior for indigenous slackers.

Coop (Picture Reaper’s Tyler Labine) and Jamie, our “heroes,” purchase the robot for a dollar since it was laying amongst the debris in the local junkyard. Coop, the mechanic, fixes up the severely damaged robot, gives the towering machine a slick flaming paint job, attaches it’s new head – a ’70s muscle car similar to a Plymouth Barracuda, and uses a video game controller to drive it around.

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To promote the show at the San Diego Comic Con previous to it’s premiere, Cartoon Network gave out a very limited amount of small statues of Megas XLR. For the Jersey pop culture obsessed, this is one of the coolest pieces to have in your collection. Knowing something this badass came out of one of our filthy, fictional junkyards and was fixed up and controlled by 2 Jersey slackers makes it that much more special to me.

Megas XLR did not garner a huge fan base at the time but, it certainly has gained a cult following. As for the latest status on the show, last year, the show’s creators tweeted about the possibility of bringing Megas XLR back. Presently, all the episodes are available on iTunes, but, there’s never been an official DVD release. Here’s to hoping Pacific Rim packs a wallop at the box office this weekend. Success like that could create a big demand for robot related programming, and there’s no better animated sci-fi action comedy than MEGAS XLR!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 3: Wedding Daze

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In the criminally overlooked movie Wedding Daze, aka The Pleasure of Your Company, 2006 Ted (Michael Weston) is damn proud to wear his “I Lost My Ass in Atlantic City” shirt. I know what you’re saying right now “But Jay, he’s wearing a 3/4 sleeve, how could you possibly include this in a column that strictly spotlights T-Shirts?” And to that I say, very eloquently, “Give me a f–king break! The title of the column would sound stupid if it were just NJ Shirt Tuesday.” Boy, alliteration is really special, isn’t it?

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Wedding Daze is written and directed by Michael Ian Black, who also played a major part in this evening’s Reaper finale. SAVE REAPER! (I’m going to need some alone time, I’m in mourning). I’m a big fan of Michael Ian Black’s writing and stand up, and I’m surprised it’s taken so long for me to finally see this film. I remembered to add it to my Amazon shopping cart and I’m glad I did. Daze stars Jersey boy Jason Biggs, the adorable Borat wife Isla Fisher, Rob Corddry, Hoboken, NJ native Joe Pantoliano (Joey Pants if you’re from Jersey), and Toxic Avenger: The Musical alumni Audra Blaser.

If you haven’t seen it, this is one of those films that flies under the radar but is eons better than any romatic comedy released in the past couple of years. This is one that you AND your girl will enjoy. As an added bonus, some scenes in the movie were were filmed in Atlantic City, NJ.

If you’re still skeptical about seeing it, I’ve got 3 words for ya: The Jewla Hoop!

The CW Smartens Up

Ok, so yeah this isn’t a big deal post but I wanted to share my excitement regarding The CW’s latest triumphs.

  • Reaper has been renewed! Praise the Lord! Even after the atrocity known as “The Cancellation of Hidden Palms,” The CW does actually have some brains after all.
  • In addition to Jennie Garth, the new spinoff of 90210 will star a few people who are right up my alley. First, the girl who murdered my heart Lori Loughlin, The HOT Jessica Stroup from Reaper and Prom Night, and Arrested Development’s Mrs. Bluth Jessica Walter! What a cast! But wait…NO Ian Ziering? WTF? I’m still watching it just based on the cast alone. Who cares if it’s utter crap?

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign: Phase II

The “We Can Make a Difference Campaign” will also keep TV free of crap. In addition to making sure the analog to digital transition finishes up without a hitch there’s a few more issues we’ll need to to take care of. First, the President will have a strict orders to keep the CW’s Reaper on the air. Then we’ll banish Oprah Winfrey from all airwaves. And please while we’re at it, we may as well as well erase 99% of all other daytime programming as well. With the exit of Oprah Winfrey and her media empire, leaving along with her will be Dancing with the Stars, sorry folks! Unless it was Dancing with the strippers it has no chance of being saved.

One problem with politicians is that they never do anything cool, we’ll fix that. I want a president I can sort of look up to. Someone who can have an edge…badass in a way. It’s not sexist but I always picture the president to be a guy (no offense Hilary…after 43 male presidents don’t you get the point?) Bruce Willis or that Matthew Mickhawnaguy should be president. Don’t you want a leader who you can be proud of? Who does cool shit? Who brings the party? If you’re a girl don’t you want a HOT president who you can think of to vibrate to? He doesn’t play saxophone on Arsenio and he especially doesn’t mutilate the English language after he supposedly graduated Yale. He goes on tour to visit all the 50 states and has huge parties with bands at various national parks, and mall and stadium parking lots. He’s the guy that everyone wants to be and all the girls want to be with. He’s a Star. As for the Vice President, I doubt I have to even say it cause it’s a no brainer… Of course it’s f’n HULK HOGAN!
The President and VP will have ultimate veto power on who gets chosen to be inducted to the aforementioned Secretaries of State. The President and VP are single guys and they’re encouraged “to enjoy their life, and play the field” just like our forefathers told them. It’s an unwritten rule similiar to the “Pink Lady code” that the President and VP date one or many of the Secretaries of State.
One of the reasons why actors or celebrities make great political icons is because they are already pros at speaking and expressing themselves. They wouldn’t be constantly made fun of for flubs or screwing up speeches. The President will also have a sense of humor to a degree being that they frequently have to bring to light horrible situations. When a candidate is dry and boring they don’t have the ability to lighten our soul in anyway.
The ideal candidate is obligated to be trained to cultivate their psychic ability Think about it, if Nostradamus were president he would’ve saved us alot of heartache. We need someone with the ability to prevent attacks and foresee future economic disasters. Their newly tapped psychic ability will aid them in constructing a new plan in the war on terrorism.
Let’s have a contingency plan for the Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty isn’t really holding all that many people except a few tourists so terrorists wouldn’t get as much bang for their buck if they planned an attack on it. Hypothetically we’ll need an American symbol if the monster from cloverfield or terrorists decide to target her…or hell, if the Ghostbusters need to use her to fend off some Carpathian who lost its kitten. You never know what’s going to happen to her so all I’m saying is, we’ll need another statue that will defend the countries honor in case the statue of liberty is out of commission. Without question this should be the Rocky Balboa statue that resides in Philadelphia. The pure emotion that the rocky movies give off conjure up so many good feelings that it’s the perfect statue for the job.
I bet you thought since I’m talking all sensational that I’d forget to explain my plans for the Military. Out of the box, the only draft our candidate will be talking about is the kind of beer.
Voltron will be the actual commander in chief heroically leading the military. The president and a few heads of military will join together to form the mega robot. The theme music can be heard all over the country when the Big V is forming. With Voltron we sort of kill two birds with one stone but we’ll be sure not to kill any eagles though. Cast your Vote-ron for Voltron! (joke donated by my friend Steve) All the Joe’s from G.I Joe and all the Transformers will make up the rest of our military so you never have to worry about us losing a war unless the ruthless Cobra, Megatron, or Tom Cruise comes into power. There will be no need for thousands of military employees with such powerful forces who could wipe out anything in their path.
There are also many new government agenices that will be started. Nicholson and Pacino will be enlisted to head a new government agency called “The You Can’t Handle The Truth Commision” specializing in the search for Bigfoot, The Jersey Devil, and any other unexplained or supernatural phenomena. Sorry girls, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki are now waiting patiently at the unemployment agency. Johnny Depp will head up a new agency called “Bring Me The Rich Stuff” where he’ll captain the Black Pearl and a film crew to raise various shipwrecks and recover the gold and treasure back in order to liquidate some of the country’s underwater assets. Soon those of you with disposable income will be able to buy Captain Kidd’s treasure on eBay! Depp will be pulling double duty because the 21 Jumpstreet Crew will be reunited and back on the job keeping high school scumbags off the street. And YES people, don’t you worry your little heads…haven’t forgotten, BOOKER IS BACK so you can relax.
After watching National Treasure made me think. Don’t we have the right to finally know the country’s best kept secrets? The FBI and the CIA need to release information on Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, etc. We deserve to know, especially after 40 or more years of secrets. Who better than to shake down these agencies for this info than our man Nic Cage?
On the education front, instead of concentrating on stuff that isn’t going to help kids amount to a hill of beans, let’s start teaching kids about subjects that are important and can actually impact their lives. They need to learn more about how to be practical, how to improvise, have street smarts, safe sex, not to take drugs, and how to balance a check book. How far did algebra and geometry get me? Rather than shoving stuff down their throats that they aren’t good at at all, why don’t we give them more choice? Maybe students will enjoy going to school if they aren’t bogged down with homework from subjects that they absolutely despise and dread.
Let’s all feel bad for the teachers because they feel they can’t get through to these kids! Guess what? That’s you f’n job. How many teachers did you have while growing up that pretty much phoned it all in? Some teachers gave up on their job 10 years before you even got to their class. Some of them had a calendar counting down their days to retirement. From a kids perspective, it’s easy to get exasperated when you just can’t figure out how to apply that theorem or you don’t want to read that 400 page book your English teacher assigned. Chances are those same kids aren’t going to get into a career that utilizes stuff they aren’t good at. Let students have more of a say in their schedule at least sophomore through junior year. Freshman year could be completely required classes. From then on, school should be more about personal discovery. What kind of learning is more important that learning about yourself? Many kids graduate high school and have no idea what they’ll do. It doesn’t mean they aren’t focused it just means that they’re living in a scary, pressure filled world with so many different options. Let’s help these students understand themselves and their own potential. How about a class specifically devoted to taking aptitude tests and personality tests. The results can be shared and discussed and just maybe it will spark something in a few of the kids and it will help them figure out what they like and what they should do with their life.
As for our land, rather than be concerned with open spaces and saving the trees and forests, why not concentrate on regulating what is actually being built on that land. There should be places in each town where kids, and even adults can go and hang out and just have a place to go. There’s places like community centers and YMCA’s but they are usually only open until around 8 pm. There’s nowhere for kids and teenagers to go. For adults the only places to go are bars. The mall is only open until 9:30. The fact is, in our area, a 10 o’clock curfew doesn’t hold any water. How about facilities for youth and adults where they can go and NOT get into trouble. So many kids who wind up committing crimes or doing drugs get into because they have nothing else. Let’s build facilities where people can go and hang out, dance or listen to music, play games, watch movies etc. I’m sure sponsors will leech onto that kind of thing which would defer the cost.
Another modification we’ll make is finding a new name for the white house. The white house…? I don’t know…it jus sounds a little racist to me. Perhaps we could call it the multicolored house? Nah, then straight people will get offended because it sounds like we’re favoring gay people. I’ve got it! How about building a real bonafide Castle Grayskull and make that where the president lives? I got news for you…no one in their right mind fucks with Castle Grayskull. Yeah I know Skeletor has but who said he’s in his right mind? You can see the dynamic with them: Skeletor was Bill Clinton and Evil Lyn was Hilary. It’s clear as day. If we combine Castle Grayskull and The White House, guess what? We’ve got White Castle!

Finally, we’ll rename New Jersey to “The Sexy Armpit” and everything will change accordingly. “The Sexy Armpit Turnpike.” “The Sexy Armpit Department of Motor Vehicles.” Think about it. It’s much more appealing. The tag line for the campaign can be “Come visit the NEW New Jersey, it’s now called something WAAY snazzier…THE SEXY ARMPIT…now screw off.” From then on, Jersey will definitely step out of the shadow of New York’s skyline.

BAROCK out with your cock out!

CW’s Reaper lifts our mascot for “What About Blob” episode

I’ve been enjoying Reaper on the CW network. It’s refreshing to watch a new show that’s actually good and doesn’t look like it’s going to be cancelled right away. The show isn’t scary per se but it has some decent FX and it occasionally a Ghostbusters vibe to it. Although I was surprised when I saw this week’s “villian” will be a slime monster. Check out a preview of “What About Blob” here. Of course they didn’t really steal this character from us, but I couldn’t help but notice the similarity. Back in ’05, I had my friend Steve draw a logo for the site and explained to him that I wanted a “sludge monster.” We naturally named him Sludgie, and sold his likeness and our souls to the Carvel Ice Cream chain. They are now producing chocolate chip mint ice cream cakes based on him. Yeah right, how awesome would that be? Reaper is definitely a funny show and they credit Kevin Smith as a “consultant.” He directed the first episode but now it’s the CW’s feeble attempt to make people think he’s still invovled in the show and he’ll probably get some kickbacks. Watch the show while it’s still around since I’m going to sue their ass off 🙂