The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign: Phase II

The “We Can Make a Difference Campaign” will also keep TV free of crap. In addition to making sure the analog to digital transition finishes up without a hitch there’s a few more issues we’ll need to to take care of. First, the President will have a strict orders to keep the CW’s Reaper on the air. Then we’ll banish Oprah Winfrey from all airwaves. And please while we’re at it, we may as well as well erase 99% of all other daytime programming as well. With the exit of Oprah Winfrey and her media empire, leaving along with her will be Dancing with the Stars, sorry folks! Unless it was Dancing with the strippers it has no chance of being saved.

One problem with politicians is that they never do anything cool, we’ll fix that. I want a president I can sort of look up to. Someone who can have an edge…badass in a way. It’s not sexist but I always picture the president to be a guy (no offense Hilary…after 43 male presidents don’t you get the point?) Bruce Willis or that Matthew Mickhawnaguy should be president. Don’t you want a leader who you can be proud of? Who does cool shit? Who brings the party? If you’re a girl don’t you want a HOT president who you can think of to vibrate to? He doesn’t play saxophone on Arsenio and he especially doesn’t mutilate the English language after he supposedly graduated Yale. He goes on tour to visit all the 50 states and has huge parties with bands at various national parks, and mall and stadium parking lots. He’s the guy that everyone wants to be and all the girls want to be with. He’s a Star. As for the Vice President, I doubt I have to even say it cause it’s a no brainer… Of course it’s f’n HULK HOGAN!
The President and VP will have ultimate veto power on who gets chosen to be inducted to the aforementioned Secretaries of State. The President and VP are single guys and they’re encouraged “to enjoy their life, and play the field” just like our forefathers told them. It’s an unwritten rule similiar to the “Pink Lady code” that the President and VP date one or many of the Secretaries of State.
One of the reasons why actors or celebrities make great political icons is because they are already pros at speaking and expressing themselves. They wouldn’t be constantly made fun of for flubs or screwing up speeches. The President will also have a sense of humor to a degree being that they frequently have to bring to light horrible situations. When a candidate is dry and boring they don’t have the ability to lighten our soul in anyway.
The ideal candidate is obligated to be trained to cultivate their psychic ability Think about it, if Nostradamus were president he would’ve saved us alot of heartache. We need someone with the ability to prevent attacks and foresee future economic disasters. Their newly tapped psychic ability will aid them in constructing a new plan in the war on terrorism.
Let’s have a contingency plan for the Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty isn’t really holding all that many people except a few tourists so terrorists wouldn’t get as much bang for their buck if they planned an attack on it. Hypothetically we’ll need an American symbol if the monster from cloverfield or terrorists decide to target her…or hell, if the Ghostbusters need to use her to fend off some Carpathian who lost its kitten. You never know what’s going to happen to her so all I’m saying is, we’ll need another statue that will defend the countries honor in case the statue of liberty is out of commission. Without question this should be the Rocky Balboa statue that resides in Philadelphia. The pure emotion that the rocky movies give off conjure up so many good feelings that it’s the perfect statue for the job.
I bet you thought since I’m talking all sensational that I’d forget to explain my plans for the Military. Out of the box, the only draft our candidate will be talking about is the kind of beer.
Voltron will be the actual commander in chief heroically leading the military. The president and a few heads of military will join together to form the mega robot. The theme music can be heard all over the country when the Big V is forming. With Voltron we sort of kill two birds with one stone but we’ll be sure not to kill any eagles though. Cast your Vote-ron for Voltron! (joke donated by my friend Steve) All the Joe’s from G.I Joe and all the Transformers will make up the rest of our military so you never have to worry about us losing a war unless the ruthless Cobra, Megatron, or Tom Cruise comes into power. There will be no need for thousands of military employees with such powerful forces who could wipe out anything in their path.
There are also many new government agenices that will be started. Nicholson and Pacino will be enlisted to head a new government agency called “The You Can’t Handle The Truth Commision” specializing in the search for Bigfoot, The Jersey Devil, and any other unexplained or supernatural phenomena. Sorry girls, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki are now waiting patiently at the unemployment agency. Johnny Depp will head up a new agency called “Bring Me The Rich Stuff” where he’ll captain the Black Pearl and a film crew to raise various shipwrecks and recover the gold and treasure back in order to liquidate some of the country’s underwater assets. Soon those of you with disposable income will be able to buy Captain Kidd’s treasure on eBay! Depp will be pulling double duty because the 21 Jumpstreet Crew will be reunited and back on the job keeping high school scumbags off the street. And YES people, don’t you worry your little heads…haven’t forgotten, BOOKER IS BACK so you can relax.
After watching National Treasure made me think. Don’t we have the right to finally know the country’s best kept secrets? The FBI and the CIA need to release information on Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, etc. We deserve to know, especially after 40 or more years of secrets. Who better than to shake down these agencies for this info than our man Nic Cage?
On the education front, instead of concentrating on stuff that isn’t going to help kids amount to a hill of beans, let’s start teaching kids about subjects that are important and can actually impact their lives. They need to learn more about how to be practical, how to improvise, have street smarts, safe sex, not to take drugs, and how to balance a check book. How far did algebra and geometry get me? Rather than shoving stuff down their throats that they aren’t good at at all, why don’t we give them more choice? Maybe students will enjoy going to school if they aren’t bogged down with homework from subjects that they absolutely despise and dread.
Let’s all feel bad for the teachers because they feel they can’t get through to these kids! Guess what? That’s you f’n job. How many teachers did you have while growing up that pretty much phoned it all in? Some teachers gave up on their job 10 years before you even got to their class. Some of them had a calendar counting down their days to retirement. From a kids perspective, it’s easy to get exasperated when you just can’t figure out how to apply that theorem or you don’t want to read that 400 page book your English teacher assigned. Chances are those same kids aren’t going to get into a career that utilizes stuff they aren’t good at. Let students have more of a say in their schedule at least sophomore through junior year. Freshman year could be completely required classes. From then on, school should be more about personal discovery. What kind of learning is more important that learning about yourself? Many kids graduate high school and have no idea what they’ll do. It doesn’t mean they aren’t focused it just means that they’re living in a scary, pressure filled world with so many different options. Let’s help these students understand themselves and their own potential. How about a class specifically devoted to taking aptitude tests and personality tests. The results can be shared and discussed and just maybe it will spark something in a few of the kids and it will help them figure out what they like and what they should do with their life.
As for our land, rather than be concerned with open spaces and saving the trees and forests, why not concentrate on regulating what is actually being built on that land. There should be places in each town where kids, and even adults can go and hang out and just have a place to go. There’s places like community centers and YMCA’s but they are usually only open until around 8 pm. There’s nowhere for kids and teenagers to go. For adults the only places to go are bars. The mall is only open until 9:30. The fact is, in our area, a 10 o’clock curfew doesn’t hold any water. How about facilities for youth and adults where they can go and NOT get into trouble. So many kids who wind up committing crimes or doing drugs get into because they have nothing else. Let’s build facilities where people can go and hang out, dance or listen to music, play games, watch movies etc. I’m sure sponsors will leech onto that kind of thing which would defer the cost.
Another modification we’ll make is finding a new name for the white house. The white house…? I don’t know…it jus sounds a little racist to me. Perhaps we could call it the multicolored house? Nah, then straight people will get offended because it sounds like we’re favoring gay people. I’ve got it! How about building a real bonafide Castle Grayskull and make that where the president lives? I got news for you…no one in their right mind fucks with Castle Grayskull. Yeah I know Skeletor has but who said he’s in his right mind? You can see the dynamic with them: Skeletor was Bill Clinton and Evil Lyn was Hilary. It’s clear as day. If we combine Castle Grayskull and The White House, guess what? We’ve got White Castle!

Finally, we’ll rename New Jersey to “The Sexy Armpit” and everything will change accordingly. “The Sexy Armpit Turnpike.” “The Sexy Armpit Department of Motor Vehicles.” Think about it. It’s much more appealing. The tag line for the campaign can be “Come visit the NEW New Jersey, it’s now called something WAAY snazzier…THE SEXY ARMPIT…now screw off.” From then on, Jersey will definitely step out of the shadow of New York’s skyline.

BAROCK out with your cock out!

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign Phase 1

You know something…F–K politics! Aren’t you fed up with this country’s total lack of focus on what’s really important? This is why I’ve decided to lay out my plan which is a complete overhaul of this country. My plan will put this country on a spin cycle, and I can assure you I WILL NOT FORGET THE FABRIC SOFTENER!

Are you at all surprised by McGreevy’s 3-ways, rest stop romps, or “Friday night specials”??? Think about it, Spitzer’s so desperate he needs to hire a prostitute to get a BJ? Wait, desperate isn’t even the proper word, he spent over $4,000 to get some action! Not to mention that the action was from a Jersey girl, talk about a waste of funds! That’s a fortune to some people and he spent it on something the majority of us halfway decent looking guys with average brain power could get after spending the night in any dive bar around the country (especially in Jersey!) His successor Patterson is such a scared pansy that he spilled all so they don’t catch him in a lie. What more can come out in the media each day? Each story released spurs further dirt on candidates and politicians that truly have nothing to do with the war in Iraq, health care, or the apparent recession. All these smutty stories do is divert our attention from examining the true problems this country has.

I’m so fed up with the direction this country is going. I’m angry that our media decides to focus on everything BUT the important issues at hand. Why do we care if Bill Clinton had a side piece? Are we that gullible to believe he was the first politician to do that? How come the guys only get called out on it? Talk about a sexist world! It would really make my day if Spitzer announced he was divorcing his wife for being a dried up old hag with no sexual interest in favor of running off with his 22 year old, 105 lb prostitute…that little hot bitch. All men want is to have a woman who brings some lust and excitement to the bedroom department. For some reason, the guys that go into politics aren’t typically Ambercrombie models. Most of these guys grew up with a chip on their shoulders because they couldn’t get laid, and now that they have some notoriety they use it to their advantage whether gay or straight.

This country is in denial! It needs to sit down on a couch with a therapist just like Tony Soprano did. If the rough, tough, and macho mob boss Tony Soprano could sit down with a therapist then why the hell can’t the United States? America has lost it’s focus, it’s ignoring the real issues, and frankly it’s got a real addiction to Hollywood gossip. That’s gotta stop!

As for my grassroots campaign, my candidate will use Jem and the HologramsWe Can Make a Difference” as his campaign song. My candidate will fight every battle with fierce patriotism and the values the country was founded on. Where the hell did our pride go? Remember all that Red, White, and Blue that was splattered all over your town about 6 or 7 years ago? That 9/11 rallying seemed to disappear not too long afterward. Jem will assure the country that our new candidate can and WILL make a difference!

Let me go over a few of the Policies of the the ideal candidate. The first policy my candidate ratifies will be replacing the House of Representatives with “The Secretaries of State.” The Secretaries of State will comprise of women, celebrities or well known female personalities who will serve as the spokesperson for each state. For instance, Eva Longoria will be the representative for Texas since she is from Texas. Each secretary would obviously have no responsibilities since they would merely be figureheads associated with tourism and sports teams. People will automatically think of the representative of the state when they think of that specific state. Most likely you’ll see them on T-shirts in airport gift shops. As an example, the Texas shirt features Eva Longoria all sweaty and dirty in a camouflage bikini, a machine gun and a bandanna. The shirt reads “Don’t Mess With Texas.” That’ll definitely be a top seller.

My new Secretarial program will also integrate political commentary into shows like Extra and Access Hollywood. It will in turn give us all a reason to watch those boring ass political shows on Sunday morning. Featured each week as guest hosts will be different Secretaries of state wowing us with their comprehensive, educated, answers and lightning fast responses to hard pressing, hot button issues. How will that miracle of modern science be accomplished? Easy! A small microchip implanted in their ears will send them transmissions from Washington D.C feeding them exactly what to say! Only Jack Bauer is in on the secret. This measure will prevent stuff like THIS from happening:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help
the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian
countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

There will be hott calendars featuring the secretaries on sale in gift shops and Spencer’s everywhere. Half the proceeds of all “Secretaries” merch will go to the government, in order to offset the ass rape of taxes we receive all year long. I won’t rule out action figures, playsets, and thongs either. Think of how easy for us guys to remember…oh ok, “Angelina Jolie” represents California! “What’s the capital of California? Who gives a fuck! I know who the secretary is, and I can name all the films she appeared nude in! Isn’t that enough dammit! That’s enough politics for one day!” Even young students will find it advantageous to memorize each states representative. Many young boys will have their first wet dream thanks to California. “Mommy, I can’t seem to remember the representative of California, can we discuss her more thoroughly and purchasing her complete filmography on iTunes might jog my memory”
The sexy Secretaries would meet in the House of Representatives when they have their bi-annual (its not called “bi” for nothing (wink, nudge) lingerie pillow fight. Lots of important issues will be voted on afterward like who looked the hottest, who can get the most applause, and who should take their top off. There’s also the much anticipated annual Chili competition. No, it’s not what you think! The girls don’t put on chefs hats and cook up their own spicy, beany, meat stew. They all get put in a room in hot string bikinis where air jets are blasting ice cold frosty air. Whoever can stay in the room the longest without grabbing for stuff to keep them warm like a fur coat or thigh highs, will win the competition. Whoever has the most meat on her bones will have the edge. Just think…Hard Nipples for EVERYONE! Even though I’m not a necrophiliac, I’ve always thought blue lips were superhot.
Please join us tomorrow for the outline of Phase II of The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” campaign 2008!

That Fence Has a Huge BUSH!

Atrocities such as 9/11, the war in the middle east, and horrible beheadings have opened the eyes of our society. Much of today’s youth has grown more aware as a result. It’s especially proven true after what I noticed in my neighborhood the other day. I had never really seen politically charged graffiti before. In the tri-state area we are almost desensitized to graffiti. Obviously it takes on a different meaning in the inner cities than in suburbs and elsewhere. In the inner cities entire buildings are painted with intricate graffiti. Of course, graffiti and “tagging” can be considered an art form, but since we see so it so often it loses its potency. It’s likely that whenever there’s a blank slab of concrete, there’s typically some sort of artwork of various sizes and colors sprayed on it.

Sometimes the subject matter is similar to the crap you read on the walls of a bathroom stall, other times it’s about peace. Occasionally it’s the nickname of local “posse”. Usually not much thought goes into what it says, more goes into how it looks. Naturally surprise came over me when I saw a pretty decent quality caricature of Dubya on a fence nearby my house. It bluntly stated “Bush is a Liar”.
At first I thought that whoever did this must’ve been pretty ballsy. Not only was it on private property, but it seemed like an above average amount of ingenuity went into it. This person was the Bob Ross of graffiti. They were playing freakin Picture Pages on the fence! They didn’t seem like they could have done it in a hurry, so it wasn’t just a hit and run job. They couldn’t have been drunk or high, they seemed like they were on a mission. Maybe it was an overachieving, brownnosing campaign worker for John Kerry. If he or she was on the Kerry “street team” he could’ve just started ballistic posting on message boards across the Internet instead of going through all of the trouble. But I admire them for going the old fashion route. Painstaking artwork. Something has to be said for those who work with their hands. The funny part is, I agree with the message but at the same time I hate the guy for defacing the town that I hold so dear. It’s no bel-air, it’s far from it, but it’s my town that created all the bass sound. Strangely, I’d rather see graffiti with a message than some stupid pointless tag or something obscene. It’s more thought provoking and hopeful. It makes me think, maybe this isn’t a society filled with as many morons as I thought.

Hypothetically, let’s say that the culprit is a young person. How is he or she gathering his information to form opinions? First off, there is television. It’s a fact that many actors in film and TV are against Bush since many are Democrats. Fahrenheit 911’s Michael Moore claimed if anyone under 17 wants to see the movie let him know and he would sneak them in. Not such a lame ass comment after all. These are the future voters he’s sneaking in! Super idea! A commercial for the movie shows George W. Bush and Citizens United, a republican group, has stated that it might violate the The Federal Elections commission rule of prohibiting ads that picture a candidate within 30 days of a parties nominating convention. Moore believes it’s an an attempt to stop people from seeing his movie. Can we say that this spray-job violates the Federal Graffiti Commission law?
Most importantly the youth is influenced by music and their favorite artists. Now more than ever we are being told to “rock the vote”. At many concerts and events since the springtime I’ve seen tables set up to register to vote. Jon Bon Jovi has always been a staunch supporter of democratic candidates. Incubus’ recent track “Megalomaniac” is all about Bush and from what I gather singer and lyricist Brandon Boyd is commanding him to “step down”. (Do you think he wants him to step down? Maybe he should repeat the line again? lol) The Beastie Boys have been known to make their political opinions clearly known. Their latest album “To the 5 Boroughs” is riddled with anti-bush lyrics and an urge for peace. To top it off a “Rock Against Bush” compilation has been released with a second volume coming soon with even higher profile artists such as Offspring and No Doubt. All of this contributes to the widespread “consciousness” amongst young people. With all of these influences, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised to see an enormous Bush on the fence.
Finally one last idea that I had was that “the culprit must really hate Bush.” Then after more thinking, I reasoned that they couldn’t have hated Bush that much if they’re taking the time to draw pictures of him on fences. They might have wanted to just exercise their art skills. Regardless, creating more propaganda for this douche is not good by any means. I don’t want to see his dumb ass face at all. It’s on TV and in the papers way too much as it is. To the graffiti-freaks out there, please don’t give this guy any more press. I’m of the ilk that any publicity is good publicity, but I’m a hound. So in my twisted mind this graffiti is inadvertently paying homage. If the “artist” was so anti-Bush they could have drawn a big huge John Kerry head.