Scarfin’ It With The Armpit 3: “Authentic” Jersey Cuisine

Jersey Grub Truck

Eating in a Thai restaurant with nondescript decor and being served by a teen aged white kid with those huge black circular gauged earrings stretching his earlobes doesn’t make for an authentic Thai experience. Even restaurants in the world showcase in Epcot center employee waiters and chefs from the countries that they recreate. But what makes food authentic? Is it the way the food is prepared, where you eat it, who it’s served by, or all of the above?

Today I’m going to give you directions on how to make authentic Jersey grub. First, grow a five o’clock shadow, grab a cigarette, gain about 30 lbs and begin sweating. As the stereotypes dictate, this is a cook at a Jersey diner. If the stereotypes continue, he only knows how to cook up a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich, or anything greasy that has peppers and onions slathered on top. Despite what many “foodies” (I’m sorry to all my foodie friends but I hate that term) will lead you to believe, Jersey doesn’t really have it’s own cuisine since we are lucky to have a huge mish mosh of everything there is to offer. Sure we have about a half a million diners in our state, but the majority of our signature meals are very basic and nothing to describe as “mouthwatering” or “savory.” That’s not to say that meals at our restaurants can’t be described that way, it’s just that many of them don’t actually serve the type of “Jersey Grub” that THE JERSEY GRUB TRUCK offers.

Started by a Jersey guy who moved to the west coast, The Jersey Grub Truck can be seen all around Los Angeles. We are known for our blueberries and cranberries, but the Jersey Grub Truck serves mostly fat sandwiches. For instance, an L.A Weekly post highlighted that one of the menu items is The Fat Jerz Sandwich, which is hamburger, egg, pork roll, and BBQ sauce. Is it the pork roll that makes it Jersey? Can you incorporate salt water taffy or pork roll into any meal to give it that Jersey zest? Wow, that’s a stretch. The Sexy Armpit has already glossed over New Brunswick’s fat sandwiches featured on Man vs. Food, and that is essentially what the Jersey Grub Truck serves. The Jersey Grub Truck stole the idea of The Grease Trucks and brought it to Hollywood. If there’s one thing that Jersey is NOT, it’s Hollywood, and if you have not left Jersey that is precisely the reason why. Not only are we on opposite sides of the country, but we lead extremely different lifestyles. Regardless of our differences, I’m glad there’s a little more of Jersey being spread around L.A!

To get “real” Jersey grub, you don’t need to sing “Born To Run,” while cooking or stop at a catering truck. For tips on the best Jersey cuisine check out Jersey Bites and also read Pete Genovese’s book, Food Lovers Guide to New Jersey. But the best way to find authentic Jersey cuisine is to discover it for yourself. Your best bet is heading down to that family owned neighborhood dive, it will surprise you.

You can friend The Jersey Grub Truck on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter.

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New Jersey Day is TODAY!!!

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Today is New Jersey Day. On this day 223 years ago, New Jersey officially became the 3rd state of the United States. A lot of people have been asking me, Jay, how does one celebrate New Jersey Day? Here’s a few things you can do…

1) Start your day off right, with a greasy sandwich: pork roll egg and cheese on a roll!

2) Fill up your gas tank! Breathe in the fumes and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to lift a finger to pump your gas.

3) Have for some good ‘ol fashioned road rage. Stick your middle finger up proudly. Throw your head out the car window and shout “F*ck You Motherf*cker!” Followed by a barrage of annoying HONKING. Be thankful for living in Jersey because we don’t get fined or ticketed for honking our horns like in New York City.

4) Get in front of a mirror and continue to practice your impression of Silvio Dante (Little Steven) from in The Sopranos.

5) Flick through the channels to see what’s on TV. Forget 57 channels and there’s nothing on…more like 857 channels and nothing on!

6) Marvel at the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has horned his way into the White House.

7) Go back into the Sexy Armpit archives and pick an old post that haven’t read. I will write you and I.O.U. Or, take a look at one of the many entries of NJ T-Shirt Tuesday and buy a tee to wear NEXT year on NJ Day!

8) Take a trip down to Atlantic City and gaze at tons and tons of people pissing their money away. Don’t believe the stories for a second that nobody is going to A.C. Where there’s a vice there’s people and New Jersey has an overabundance of both.

9) Go to the mall, our sales tax is a little bit cheaper, but our people are still a-holes. As you drive there you’ll have a lot of time to reflect on life because, chances are, on any one of our fabulous roads or highways you’ll probably be sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic.  Once in the parking lot, you will get into a fight for a spot. Then, inside the mall, people will walk into you because they don’t pay attention. Don’t even mention those annoying kiosk people. No, I don’t want you to slather your exotic facial cream culled from the dead sea onto my face in the middle of the mall. Get out of my face!

10) Pretend you’re DJ Pauly D and crank up your iPod! We have plenty of offerings for today. From Old Blue Eyes to Bon Jovi, and The Four Seasons to The Fugees and Springsteen to The Smithereens there’s an endless array of artists who have spawned from The Garden State.

The Jersey Burger

Jersey Burger
Columbus Farmer’s Market in Columbus, NJ

The Columbus Farmers Market features tons of stores that sell fresh produce, antiques, collectibles, toys, housewares, pets, candy, clothes, jewelry and more. All that shopping will probably make you hungry so naturally there’s plenty of places to eat. During your visit you may want to stop and try The Jersey Burger!

As if reality shows and movies aren’t enough, even hamburger joints have jumped on the Jersey bandwagon. Obviously, this burger ain’t nothin’ compared to the monstrous New Jersey Breakfast, but it’s a nice appetizer in comparison. I would opt for American cheese over Swiss when eating pork roll, but that’s just me.

For the best burger coverage check out my friend Tommy Salami’s blog PluckYouToo.com and Brian and Allison’s Burger Blog at EatinBurgers.com.

Ad Jerseum 5: Absolut Jersey

Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

new jersey,vodka,diner
For many people, diners are immediately associated with the state of New Jersey. This Absolut ad depicts the Vodka bottle in the shape of an old fashioned stainless steel Jersey Diner. You can hit up this diner next time you are hungover from too many Vodka tonics. I’m sure you can order a pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwich there. You can find pretty much every Absolut Vodka advertisement ever created over at www.absolutad.com.

F-ck Twilight, We’ve Got Cold Hearts!

Cold Hearts Twilight poster
Here’s my Cold Hearts “Twilight style” one sheet
Fast forwarding through a VHS tape was such an annoying chore. Depending on the speed of your fast forward feature, it was easy to go way passed your intended spot. It was much like when Lone Star and Barf went plaid in Spaceballs. Even though both rewinding and fast forwarding rarely took very long, they were both still a nuisance. In comparison, scanning through a DVD is a heavenly pleasure. In fact, I’m fairly certain that the scan feature on DVD’s was invented for movies like 1999’s vampire flick, Cold Hearts.

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You know what that Twilight movie doesn’t have? THE MOTHERF-CKING PINK RANGER!!! Wouldn’t you think that combining the mighty and morphin’ Amy Jo Johnson with a completely weird and random cameo by Fred Norris of The Howard Stern Show would immediately spell runaway success? Well, it’s a topsy turvy world and by some strange anachronism, Cold Hearts will forever be known as a much lamer, low budget Lost Boys. At least Cold Hearts didn’t send Amy Jo Johnson’s career into the crapper, she went on to play Keri Russell’s best friend on Felicity, dropping her bloodsucking role like a bad habit.
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IMDB states that Cold Hearts was filmed in Ocean City, NJ
With all the Twilight New Moon hoopla, now is a perfect time to discuss this Jersey vampire movie. In some small way, my entire purpose for blogging is to prove to the rest of the world that the state of New Jersey is more than just guidos, overweight whistling through their nose mafia types, and pork roll sandwiches. Occasionally, I have to temporarily abort my mission. There are times when even I, a hardcore fan and supporter of the state that I live in, cannot condone the atrocity that is Cold Hearts.
Many of you might say, why rip into Cold Hearts? Why kick the undervamps while they are down? I say, if you are an up and coming filmmaker like Robert Masciantonio, why not head into the biz with a film that you are proud of, not this piece of Jersey trash. With just a little ingenuity, and naturally a shitload more cash, this movie could have gained a huge cult following at the very least. I do support and give credit to those artists who put in a valiant effort, but in this case, my heart is stone. The film is dated, the dialogue is cheesy, and the acting is terrible. Several of the actors including Christian Campbell, who played John-Luke, deliver their lines as if they were nervously giving a speech in freshman public speaking class.
Viktoria, the constantly ruminating main character, seems ripe for a guest role on the CW’s Vampire Diaries. She’s dealing with a major life issue at how underwhelming it has been to live the vampire life: “I thought it’d be like Peter Pan, but ya know, with sharp teeth or something.” But Viktoria is facing a bigger problem, she’s a vampire and she’s all out of blood, she’s so lost without it. Plenty of contemplative shots of Viktoria (Marisa Ryan) make it painfully obvious that she likes to smoke cigarettes and think a lot, usually while wearing her sunglasses at inappropriate times, like at night. Corey Hart she is not, but her character does spell her name with a K for that extra dash of mysteriousness. In her time off of pondering her thoughts, and gazing into the ocean, Viktoria enjoys hanging out with her best friends on the boardwalk. One of them is the offensively token gay latino guy named Darius (Jon Huertas), and the other is Alicia played by the only actor in the film who is semi interesting to watch, Amy Jo Johnson.
The squeaky clean yet secretive, Seth, comes to town and leaves Viktoria smitten. Little does she know that her new crush has a vendetta against her angry ex-boyfriend Charles (Christopher Wiehl), who is basically the really poor mans Kiefer Sutherland, and I mean that man is really poor. They call him Chaz because he thinks he’s cool. Remember when Charles in Charge became his alter ego Chaz? Now HE was badass, unlike this particular Chaz who sets out to kill Viktoria.

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We find out that Seth is actually a werewolf. It intends to be a huge reveal, but the surprise was let out more like a queef. If you watch this film and you don’t predict that Seth is a werewolf in the first 10 minutes of the film, then you need to go back for remedial horror classes for zero credit. There’s a bit of a showdown between werewolf Seth and vampire Charles. I’m beginning to think that Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight novels, had too many nights getting stoned, eating Cheez-Its, and watching her Special Edition DVD of the Best Feature Film winner at the ’99 Atlantic City Film Festival, Cold Hearts.

Robert Masciantonio, writer and director of this mess, touts his working relationship with Kevin Smith on his IMDB profile. In the immortal words of Christian Bale “Ohhhh GOOOOD for you…” I also learned that Masciantonio briefly worked for an indy wrestling company based out of New Jersey. After watching Cold Hearts I wonder if they’d be willing to give him his job back? I bet he missed his calling as the next great Grand Wizard of indy wrestling.

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Fred Norris spouts sage-like advice and douchebag Seth misses Philly
The Philly born Masciantonio based his film in Atlantic City in order to stealthily aggravate the Jersey/Philly grudge. Some of the screw twisting involves a line from the clean cut, jeans model, and unsuspecting werewolf guy, Seth (Robert Floyd), who tells himself out loud that “all things being equal, I’d rather be in Philly.” Of course, the pot smoking vampire scumbags who hang out at the boardwalk are the Jersey guys and the Secret Stash T-Shirt wearing Silent Bob worshipping band of frat fools are the Philly guys. What’s worse is that Chaz’s band of thugs actually refer to themselves as “his horsemen,” while Seth’s new group of friends refer to them as “the lost boys back there.”

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Where are the Frog Brothers when we really need them?
Check out “R.P” who frequently reminds us that he’s wearing goggles
Thanks to IMDB, I found four super lame tag lines that were used for this film:
1) Eternity’s a Bitch
2) Not everything is as it appears
3) Eternity Bites
4) We are all cold hearted sons of bitches
What’s that? You have a brain and you absolutely cannot believe that they actually used such asinine tag lines? I’m usually the one to rush to the defense of everything that secretes out of my disgusting state, but in this instance I’m throwing Cold Hearts to the werewolves.

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