Jon Bon Jovi Does Not Work For Me

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Surprisingly “Work For The Working Man” sucks only a little bit less than the rest of the tracks on Bon Jovi’s latest effort The Circle. The second I heard this blah medium paced rocker previous to it’s release in late 2009, it’s lyrics struck me as ironic coming from an obscenely wealthy music icon. I’m a working man and Jon Bon Jovi sure as hell doesn’t work for me, otherwise he’d still be recording songs that make me jump out of my chair and play air guitar in front of my mirror.
Jon Bon Jovi’s limp songwriting as of late is partly because in the past several years he’s been too concerned with being an entrepreneur and hosting political galas to be a real rock star. Why concentrate on writing kickass songs when there’s hobnobbing to do, hands to shake, pockets to fill, and horned up wives to flirt with? Rock stars always boast that there’s no better job in the world than to play their music in front of crowds on a nightly basis. Sure, being a successful musician or rock star is lucrative, and as you know, offers a lot of tremendous fringe benefits. So why is this guy singing about losing his pension and having to work 2 jobs just to get by?
Jon Bon Jovi’s net worth is estimated to be in the same range of the number of records his band has sold: 100 million. Listening to Jon sing lyrics that question “Who’s gonna work for the working man?” is ridiculous. Jon brazenly announces that he’s “here trying to make a living” in the first line of the song. It’s a warm and fuzzy sentiment, but really just a futile attempt at appealing to the hard working average middle class citizen – the very group of people responsible for igniting the band to fame in early ’80s New Jersey. Most of them aren’t rock stars, but some did take a crack at it after seeing him make it big. Where are they now? Probably looking to be interviewed by The Sexy Armpit.
Jon Bon Jovi may have grown up in middle class suburban Sayreville, New Jersey, but it wasn’t very long before Bon Jovi’s hit records started making them millions. Oh, the woes of having a family and trying to make ends meet on a one hundred million dollar budget! I know Jon, it must be a real challenge to get those utility bills paid at the end of the month when dealing with such a meager salary. I hear the Bon Jovi clan may even have to skip Christmas this year. You know, sometimes I have $9 dollars left in my account when I’m done paying bills? Look out, airing on E! Network soon, Jay’s True New Jersey Story
Talk about Captain Crash, more like Captain Obvious! Themes such as the economy, unemployment lines, and government involvement are as easily detectable in the song as the moments in concert when Jon’s about to twinkle his spirit fingers. You can see them coming from 7800 miles away. The song’s clunky title, awkward chorus, and political theme fail to unite with the run of the mill Jovi musical background. Which reminds me about an old story. Once upon a time…not so long ago, Bon Jovi sang a song about a working class couple. Although “Work” shares a similar chugging musical intro that recalls their signature song “Livin’ On A Prayer,” their hopes to evoke the same emotions as “Prayer” has for the last 25 years were squashed.
John F. Kennedy’s Inaugrual Address in 1961 included his famous call to action “…ask what you can do for your country.” Essentially, Jon lyrics stand behind Americans who work their asses off every day and are still getting screwed. Now it’s the governments turn to help the people out a little bit, and no matter your political beliefs, that’s not a bad idea that Jon has. The bigger issue here is why he and his guitar slinger Richie Sambora couldn’t turn these passionate sentiments into a huge walloping rock song with an indelible chorus that doesn’t merely ask a question, but instead commands results. Rock music needs to resist and challenge the status quo, but unfortunately Bon Jovi’s “Work” output is too sluggish to be taken seriously.

NJ’s Kal Penn Becomes White House Liaison

After marrying, having sex with, and committing domestic abuse against a gigantic bag of weed as Kumar in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, actor Kal Penn has become the Associate Director of The White House’s office of Public Liaison. This piece of news gives hope to the millions and MILLIONS of New Jersey stoners out there who are just begging and toiling to acccomplish something this prestigious. It’s clear that one of the reasons the White House wanted Penn is due to his superior work ethic. In addition to his role in the Harold and Kumar series, Penn has also starred as Taj in the Van Wilder series, Superman Returns, and a stint on the TV series 24.

According to Wikipedia:
Penn was born in Montclair and attended Marlboro Middle School and Howell High school in New Jersey. His character on the Princeton, NJ-based show House, Dr. Lawrence Kutner, was recently killed off in order for Penn to begin his work for the White House.

Penn is surely making The Sexy Armpit proud, but I’ll always remember him this way:

George Carlin: What am I Doing in New Jersey?

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On March 25th & 26th, 1988, at the Park Theater in Union City NJ, the eternal KING of comedy George Carlin recorded a special for HBO called What am I Doing in New Jersey? Though it’s not considered his best work, Carlin fearlessly attacked controversial topics head on using his legendary wit and sarcasm. Sure, it’s a 20 year old comedy special, but the ideas Carlin explores and rips on are still fresh and relevant today.

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Carlin fiercely kicks the show off with his gripes of Reagan’s government. The Reagan White House vowed to the American people that they’d get government off their backs, but still ’till this day decide what you can read, and what broadcasters can say on the radio. Carlin tore right into the idea of the FCC and how they pointlessly horn in on our 1st amendment right. The bits on Ronald Reagan are obviously dated but if you really wanted to, it’s entirely possible to substitute George W. Bush and it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. From there, he blew “right to lifers” out of the water, and did a hysterical bit on Civil War reanactors: “…they should use live ammunition!”

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Carlin is at his best as he details ironic and sometimes bizarre aspects of American culture:

This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re gonna KEEP the fuckin’ REAL ones!

Later on in the show, Carlin deals with some of the most appropriate topics for a show in NJ, such as traffic and driving:

“…New Jersey deserves the title “Toll Booth Capitol” of the United States of America.”

“…you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents! And i don’t mind payin’ tolls, but every 27 feet? Bullshit!

“…so I say let ’em be honest, let ’em put it right on the license plates, New Jersey: The Tollbooth State. What does it say now? The Garden State, haha, sure, if you’re growing smokestacks…YES.”

I like New Jersey…I even have one of those t-shirts you guys sell, “Kiss Her Where It Smells Take Her to New Jersey”…so I like the place…”

Carlin also offers some helpful tips and hints on improving your life:

how to get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us?

“…someone asks you what time it is, say, well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.”

Keeping with the driving and traffic topic, signs and stickers on cars get Carlin fired up. He also offers a few suggestions on how to deal with a cop when you get pulled over.

In his review of the comedy album, JT Griffith of AllMusic.com had this to say: “The main weakness of What Am I Doing in New Jersey is that it doesn’t have any choice takes on the “Garden State” at all. What a missed opportunity. Overall, a light and entertaining comedy album, but not a groundbreaking or challenging one. ” I concur with JT. I would’ve liked to hear more of Carlin roasting New Jersey, but at the time, in ’88, making fun of NJ guido’s wasn’t as popular of a trend as it is now. Perhaps riffing on Joe Piscopo or Pork Roll sandwiches didn’t entice Carlin very much either and I think this HBO special was better off for it. Regardless of it’s shortcomings, What am I Doing in New Jersey is another quite entertaining entry in Carlin’s extensive discography. It’s available on CD and DVD.

** Built in 1931, The Park Theater Performing Arts Center features the the longest running passion play in the United States which details Christ’s last days. It’s now in it’s 94th season. Judging by their website, it looks like there aren’t many big names performing there anymore.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.17: NJ’s Commemorative Quarter

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For President’s Day, and in honor of the stimulus package getting passed, let’s take a look at currency kicked with a dash of Jersey. According to Wikipedia, in 1997, Bill Clinton signed the 50 States Commemorative Coin Program Act into law. The US Mint honored all 50 states with their own commemorative quarter. The coinage raked in quite a bit of dough for the government just based on collectors alone.

New Jersey’s quarter was the 3rd release in the state quarter series, which wasn’t too shabby. Delaware and Pennsylvania were the only states that preceded the Garden State’s. NJ’s coin features George Washington’s army crossing the Delaware on his way to surprise the Hessians and wreck house in the Revolutionary War. We’ve all seen this before. The reverse side design is inspired by the 1851 Emmanuel Leutze painting Washington Crossing the Delaware. I really thought NJ could’ve sprung to throw an original design on there rather than a painting we’ve been looking at for over 150 years.

According to usmint.gov, this quarter was the first circulating coin to feature George Washington on both sides. (I guess they had no idea that I have GW’s silhouette tattooed on both of my asscheeks.) I find it ridiculous that it took a board of 15 people (descriptively referred to as the New Jersey Commemorative Coin Design Commission) “who were selected for their backgrounds in history, art, and numismatics,” and Christine Todd Whitman all to approve a coin design! Talk about overkill.

For those who aren’t on board with the stimulus package, why don’t you lobby for another set of state quarters, but a series more accurate to modern times? New Jersey’s will obviously feature refineries, toxic swamps, and the Jersey Devil smiling giddily giving a thumbs up. California’s would naturally feature Dutch from Predator puffing on a cigar resting his machine gun on his shoulder as the Hollywood sign rests on the hills behind him. What’s up with New York you ask? Gozer the Gozerian is shooting laser beams right at us from high atop Dana Barret’s apartment building with terror dogs on each side of her. Florida? C’mon that’s a no brainer! Scrooge McDuck. Now I’d buy those for a quarter!

Barack’s in Bed with NJ: Mattress May Be Made in Jersey

Like several Presidents before him, President Elect Barack Obama may choose a mattress from Shifman Mattress Co. in Newark N.J. According to this NJ.com article, their luxury mattresses range in price from $3,500 – $21,000. I find that amusing considering I’ve been sleeping on the same shitty Sleepy’s mattress for the last 7 years.

Jersey City Councilman Urinates on Audience at Grateful Dead Concert

A drunken Jersey City Councilman Steve Lipski urinated on the audience from the balcony at a Grateful Dead concert in Washington D.C on November 7th. Lipski says he’s going to stop drinking and that he considers what he did “deeply humiliating, very embarrassing” and “troubling.” Click the link above for the amusing story, one that we can add to all the other factual yet defamatory stories involving dumbass politicians from New Jersey.

NJ Governor Corzine on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart!

This is not a Halloween related post, but there will be more of that on the way! Right now, it’s New Jersey’s Governor Corzine being interviewed on The Daily Show with the great Jon Stewart! Stewart is one talented m’fer. (I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he grew up in Lawrenceville, N.J!)

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign: Phase II

The “We Can Make a Difference Campaign” will also keep TV free of crap. In addition to making sure the analog to digital transition finishes up without a hitch there’s a few more issues we’ll need to to take care of. First, the President will have a strict orders to keep the CW’s Reaper on the air. Then we’ll banish Oprah Winfrey from all airwaves. And please while we’re at it, we may as well as well erase 99% of all other daytime programming as well. With the exit of Oprah Winfrey and her media empire, leaving along with her will be Dancing with the Stars, sorry folks! Unless it was Dancing with the strippers it has no chance of being saved.

One problem with politicians is that they never do anything cool, we’ll fix that. I want a president I can sort of look up to. Someone who can have an edge…badass in a way. It’s not sexist but I always picture the president to be a guy (no offense Hilary…after 43 male presidents don’t you get the point?) Bruce Willis or that Matthew Mickhawnaguy should be president. Don’t you want a leader who you can be proud of? Who does cool shit? Who brings the party? If you’re a girl don’t you want a HOT president who you can think of to vibrate to? He doesn’t play saxophone on Arsenio and he especially doesn’t mutilate the English language after he supposedly graduated Yale. He goes on tour to visit all the 50 states and has huge parties with bands at various national parks, and mall and stadium parking lots. He’s the guy that everyone wants to be and all the girls want to be with. He’s a Star. As for the Vice President, I doubt I have to even say it cause it’s a no brainer… Of course it’s f’n HULK HOGAN!
The President and VP will have ultimate veto power on who gets chosen to be inducted to the aforementioned Secretaries of State. The President and VP are single guys and they’re encouraged “to enjoy their life, and play the field” just like our forefathers told them. It’s an unwritten rule similiar to the “Pink Lady code” that the President and VP date one or many of the Secretaries of State.
One of the reasons why actors or celebrities make great political icons is because they are already pros at speaking and expressing themselves. They wouldn’t be constantly made fun of for flubs or screwing up speeches. The President will also have a sense of humor to a degree being that they frequently have to bring to light horrible situations. When a candidate is dry and boring they don’t have the ability to lighten our soul in anyway.
The ideal candidate is obligated to be trained to cultivate their psychic ability Think about it, if Nostradamus were president he would’ve saved us alot of heartache. We need someone with the ability to prevent attacks and foresee future economic disasters. Their newly tapped psychic ability will aid them in constructing a new plan in the war on terrorism.
Let’s have a contingency plan for the Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty isn’t really holding all that many people except a few tourists so terrorists wouldn’t get as much bang for their buck if they planned an attack on it. Hypothetically we’ll need an American symbol if the monster from cloverfield or terrorists decide to target her…or hell, if the Ghostbusters need to use her to fend off some Carpathian who lost its kitten. You never know what’s going to happen to her so all I’m saying is, we’ll need another statue that will defend the countries honor in case the statue of liberty is out of commission. Without question this should be the Rocky Balboa statue that resides in Philadelphia. The pure emotion that the rocky movies give off conjure up so many good feelings that it’s the perfect statue for the job.
I bet you thought since I’m talking all sensational that I’d forget to explain my plans for the Military. Out of the box, the only draft our candidate will be talking about is the kind of beer.
Voltron will be the actual commander in chief heroically leading the military. The president and a few heads of military will join together to form the mega robot. The theme music can be heard all over the country when the Big V is forming. With Voltron we sort of kill two birds with one stone but we’ll be sure not to kill any eagles though. Cast your Vote-ron for Voltron! (joke donated by my friend Steve) All the Joe’s from G.I Joe and all the Transformers will make up the rest of our military so you never have to worry about us losing a war unless the ruthless Cobra, Megatron, or Tom Cruise comes into power. There will be no need for thousands of military employees with such powerful forces who could wipe out anything in their path.
There are also many new government agenices that will be started. Nicholson and Pacino will be enlisted to head a new government agency called “The You Can’t Handle The Truth Commision” specializing in the search for Bigfoot, The Jersey Devil, and any other unexplained or supernatural phenomena. Sorry girls, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki are now waiting patiently at the unemployment agency. Johnny Depp will head up a new agency called “Bring Me The Rich Stuff” where he’ll captain the Black Pearl and a film crew to raise various shipwrecks and recover the gold and treasure back in order to liquidate some of the country’s underwater assets. Soon those of you with disposable income will be able to buy Captain Kidd’s treasure on eBay! Depp will be pulling double duty because the 21 Jumpstreet Crew will be reunited and back on the job keeping high school scumbags off the street. And YES people, don’t you worry your little heads…haven’t forgotten, BOOKER IS BACK so you can relax.
After watching National Treasure made me think. Don’t we have the right to finally know the country’s best kept secrets? The FBI and the CIA need to release information on Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, etc. We deserve to know, especially after 40 or more years of secrets. Who better than to shake down these agencies for this info than our man Nic Cage?
On the education front, instead of concentrating on stuff that isn’t going to help kids amount to a hill of beans, let’s start teaching kids about subjects that are important and can actually impact their lives. They need to learn more about how to be practical, how to improvise, have street smarts, safe sex, not to take drugs, and how to balance a check book. How far did algebra and geometry get me? Rather than shoving stuff down their throats that they aren’t good at at all, why don’t we give them more choice? Maybe students will enjoy going to school if they aren’t bogged down with homework from subjects that they absolutely despise and dread.
Let’s all feel bad for the teachers because they feel they can’t get through to these kids! Guess what? That’s you f’n job. How many teachers did you have while growing up that pretty much phoned it all in? Some teachers gave up on their job 10 years before you even got to their class. Some of them had a calendar counting down their days to retirement. From a kids perspective, it’s easy to get exasperated when you just can’t figure out how to apply that theorem or you don’t want to read that 400 page book your English teacher assigned. Chances are those same kids aren’t going to get into a career that utilizes stuff they aren’t good at. Let students have more of a say in their schedule at least sophomore through junior year. Freshman year could be completely required classes. From then on, school should be more about personal discovery. What kind of learning is more important that learning about yourself? Many kids graduate high school and have no idea what they’ll do. It doesn’t mean they aren’t focused it just means that they’re living in a scary, pressure filled world with so many different options. Let’s help these students understand themselves and their own potential. How about a class specifically devoted to taking aptitude tests and personality tests. The results can be shared and discussed and just maybe it will spark something in a few of the kids and it will help them figure out what they like and what they should do with their life.
As for our land, rather than be concerned with open spaces and saving the trees and forests, why not concentrate on regulating what is actually being built on that land. There should be places in each town where kids, and even adults can go and hang out and just have a place to go. There’s places like community centers and YMCA’s but they are usually only open until around 8 pm. There’s nowhere for kids and teenagers to go. For adults the only places to go are bars. The mall is only open until 9:30. The fact is, in our area, a 10 o’clock curfew doesn’t hold any water. How about facilities for youth and adults where they can go and NOT get into trouble. So many kids who wind up committing crimes or doing drugs get into because they have nothing else. Let’s build facilities where people can go and hang out, dance or listen to music, play games, watch movies etc. I’m sure sponsors will leech onto that kind of thing which would defer the cost.
Another modification we’ll make is finding a new name for the white house. The white house…? I don’t know…it jus sounds a little racist to me. Perhaps we could call it the multicolored house? Nah, then straight people will get offended because it sounds like we’re favoring gay people. I’ve got it! How about building a real bonafide Castle Grayskull and make that where the president lives? I got news for you…no one in their right mind fucks with Castle Grayskull. Yeah I know Skeletor has but who said he’s in his right mind? You can see the dynamic with them: Skeletor was Bill Clinton and Evil Lyn was Hilary. It’s clear as day. If we combine Castle Grayskull and The White House, guess what? We’ve got White Castle!

Finally, we’ll rename New Jersey to “The Sexy Armpit” and everything will change accordingly. “The Sexy Armpit Turnpike.” “The Sexy Armpit Department of Motor Vehicles.” Think about it. It’s much more appealing. The tag line for the campaign can be “Come visit the NEW New Jersey, it’s now called something WAAY snazzier…THE SEXY ARMPIT…now screw off.” From then on, Jersey will definitely step out of the shadow of New York’s skyline.

BAROCK out with your cock out!

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign Phase 1

You know something…F–K politics! Aren’t you fed up with this country’s total lack of focus on what’s really important? This is why I’ve decided to lay out my plan which is a complete overhaul of this country. My plan will put this country on a spin cycle, and I can assure you I WILL NOT FORGET THE FABRIC SOFTENER!

Are you at all surprised by McGreevy’s 3-ways, rest stop romps, or “Friday night specials”??? Think about it, Spitzer’s so desperate he needs to hire a prostitute to get a BJ? Wait, desperate isn’t even the proper word, he spent over $4,000 to get some action! Not to mention that the action was from a Jersey girl, talk about a waste of funds! That’s a fortune to some people and he spent it on something the majority of us halfway decent looking guys with average brain power could get after spending the night in any dive bar around the country (especially in Jersey!) His successor Patterson is such a scared pansy that he spilled all so they don’t catch him in a lie. What more can come out in the media each day? Each story released spurs further dirt on candidates and politicians that truly have nothing to do with the war in Iraq, health care, or the apparent recession. All these smutty stories do is divert our attention from examining the true problems this country has.

I’m so fed up with the direction this country is going. I’m angry that our media decides to focus on everything BUT the important issues at hand. Why do we care if Bill Clinton had a side piece? Are we that gullible to believe he was the first politician to do that? How come the guys only get called out on it? Talk about a sexist world! It would really make my day if Spitzer announced he was divorcing his wife for being a dried up old hag with no sexual interest in favor of running off with his 22 year old, 105 lb prostitute…that little hot bitch. All men want is to have a woman who brings some lust and excitement to the bedroom department. For some reason, the guys that go into politics aren’t typically Ambercrombie models. Most of these guys grew up with a chip on their shoulders because they couldn’t get laid, and now that they have some notoriety they use it to their advantage whether gay or straight.

This country is in denial! It needs to sit down on a couch with a therapist just like Tony Soprano did. If the rough, tough, and macho mob boss Tony Soprano could sit down with a therapist then why the hell can’t the United States? America has lost it’s focus, it’s ignoring the real issues, and frankly it’s got a real addiction to Hollywood gossip. That’s gotta stop!

As for my grassroots campaign, my candidate will use Jem and the HologramsWe Can Make a Difference” as his campaign song. My candidate will fight every battle with fierce patriotism and the values the country was founded on. Where the hell did our pride go? Remember all that Red, White, and Blue that was splattered all over your town about 6 or 7 years ago? That 9/11 rallying seemed to disappear not too long afterward. Jem will assure the country that our new candidate can and WILL make a difference!

Let me go over a few of the Policies of the the ideal candidate. The first policy my candidate ratifies will be replacing the House of Representatives with “The Secretaries of State.” The Secretaries of State will comprise of women, celebrities or well known female personalities who will serve as the spokesperson for each state. For instance, Eva Longoria will be the representative for Texas since she is from Texas. Each secretary would obviously have no responsibilities since they would merely be figureheads associated with tourism and sports teams. People will automatically think of the representative of the state when they think of that specific state. Most likely you’ll see them on T-shirts in airport gift shops. As an example, the Texas shirt features Eva Longoria all sweaty and dirty in a camouflage bikini, a machine gun and a bandanna. The shirt reads “Don’t Mess With Texas.” That’ll definitely be a top seller.

My new Secretarial program will also integrate political commentary into shows like Extra and Access Hollywood. It will in turn give us all a reason to watch those boring ass political shows on Sunday morning. Featured each week as guest hosts will be different Secretaries of state wowing us with their comprehensive, educated, answers and lightning fast responses to hard pressing, hot button issues. How will that miracle of modern science be accomplished? Easy! A small microchip implanted in their ears will send them transmissions from Washington D.C feeding them exactly what to say! Only Jack Bauer is in on the secret. This measure will prevent stuff like THIS from happening:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help
the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian
countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

There will be hott calendars featuring the secretaries on sale in gift shops and Spencer’s everywhere. Half the proceeds of all “Secretaries” merch will go to the government, in order to offset the ass rape of taxes we receive all year long. I won’t rule out action figures, playsets, and thongs either. Think of how easy for us guys to remember…oh ok, “Angelina Jolie” represents California! “What’s the capital of California? Who gives a fuck! I know who the secretary is, and I can name all the films she appeared nude in! Isn’t that enough dammit! That’s enough politics for one day!” Even young students will find it advantageous to memorize each states representative. Many young boys will have their first wet dream thanks to California. “Mommy, I can’t seem to remember the representative of California, can we discuss her more thoroughly and purchasing her complete filmography on iTunes might jog my memory”
The sexy Secretaries would meet in the House of Representatives when they have their bi-annual (its not called “bi” for nothing (wink, nudge) lingerie pillow fight. Lots of important issues will be voted on afterward like who looked the hottest, who can get the most applause, and who should take their top off. There’s also the much anticipated annual Chili competition. No, it’s not what you think! The girls don’t put on chefs hats and cook up their own spicy, beany, meat stew. They all get put in a room in hot string bikinis where air jets are blasting ice cold frosty air. Whoever can stay in the room the longest without grabbing for stuff to keep them warm like a fur coat or thigh highs, will win the competition. Whoever has the most meat on her bones will have the edge. Just think…Hard Nipples for EVERYONE! Even though I’m not a necrophiliac, I’ve always thought blue lips were superhot.
Please join us tomorrow for the outline of Phase II of The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” campaign 2008!