|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Hey, C’Mon That’s Not … Why Would You …Whoa!|
After marrying, having sex with, and committing domestic abuse against a gigantic bag of weed as Kumar in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, actor Kal Penn has become the Associate Director of The White House’s office of Public Liaison. This piece of news gives hope to the millions and MILLIONS of New Jersey stoners out there who are just begging and toiling to acccomplish something this prestigious. It’s clear that one of the reasons the White House wanted Penn is due to his superior work ethic. In addition to his role in the Harold and Kumar series, Penn has also starred as Taj in the Van Wilder series, Superman Returns, and a stint on the TV series 24.
According to Wikipedia:
Penn was born in Montclair and attended Marlboro Middle School and Howell High school in New Jersey. His character on the Princeton, NJ-based show House, Dr. Lawrence Kutner, was recently killed off in order for Penn to begin his work for the White House.
Penn is surely making The Sexy Armpit proud, but I’ll always remember him this way:
Carlin is at his best as he details ironic and sometimes bizarre aspects of American culture:
“This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re gonna KEEP the fuckin’ REAL ones!“
Later on in the show, Carlin deals with some of the most appropriate topics for a show in NJ, such as traffic and driving:
“…New Jersey deserves the title “Toll Booth Capitol” of the United States of America.”
“…you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents! And i don’t mind payin’ tolls, but every 27 feet? Bullshit!“
“…so I say let ’em be honest, let ’em put it right on the license plates, New Jersey: The Tollbooth State. What does it say now? The Garden State, haha, sure, if you’re growing smokestacks…YES.”
“I like New Jersey…I even have one of those t-shirts you guys sell, “Kiss Her Where It Smells Take Her to New Jersey”…so I like the place…”
Carlin also offers some helpful tips and hints on improving your life:
“how to get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us?“
“…someone asks you what time it is, say, well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.”
Keeping with the driving and traffic topic, signs and stickers on cars get Carlin fired up. He also offers a few suggestions on how to deal with a cop when you get pulled over.
In his review of the comedy album, JT Griffith of AllMusic.com had this to say: “The main weakness of What Am I Doing in New Jersey is that it doesn’t have any choice takes on the “Garden State” at all. What a missed opportunity. Overall, a light and entertaining comedy album, but not a groundbreaking or challenging one. ” I concur with JT. I would’ve liked to hear more of Carlin roasting New Jersey, but at the time, in ’88, making fun of NJ guido’s wasn’t as popular of a trend as it is now. Perhaps riffing on Joe Piscopo or Pork Roll sandwiches didn’t entice Carlin very much either and I think this HBO special was better off for it. Regardless of it’s shortcomings, What am I Doing in New Jersey is another quite entertaining entry in Carlin’s extensive discography. It’s available on CD and DVD.
** Built in 1931, The Park Theater Performing Arts Center features the the longest running passion play in the United States which details Christ’s last days. It’s now in it’s 94th season. Judging by their website, it looks like there aren’t many big names performing there anymore.
Like several Presidents before him, President Elect Barack Obama may choose a mattress from Shifman Mattress Co. in Newark N.J. According to this NJ.com article, their luxury mattresses range in price from $3,500 – $21,000. I find that amusing considering I’ve been sleeping on the same shitty Sleepy’s mattress for the last 7 years.
A drunken Jersey City Councilman Steve Lipski urinated on the audience from the balcony at a Grateful Dead concert in Washington D.C on November 7th. Lipski says he’s going to stop drinking and that he considers what he did “deeply humiliating, very embarrassing” and “troubling.” Click the link above for the amusing story, one that we can add to all the other factual yet defamatory stories involving dumbass politicians from New Jersey.
This is not a Halloween related post, but there will be more of that on the way! Right now, it’s New Jersey’s Governor Corzine being interviewed on The Daily Show with the great Jon Stewart! Stewart is one talented m’fer. (I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he grew up in Lawrenceville, N.J!)
The “We Can Make a Difference Campaign” will also keep TV free of crap. In addition to making sure the analog to digital transition finishes up without a hitch there’s a few more issues we’ll need to to take care of. First, the President will have a strict orders to keep the CW’s Reaper on the air. Then we’ll banish Oprah Winfrey from all airwaves. And please while we’re at it, we may as well as well erase 99% of all other daytime programming as well. With the exit of Oprah Winfrey and her media empire, leaving along with her will be Dancing with the Stars, sorry folks! Unless it was Dancing with the strippers it has no chance of being saved.
Voltron will be the actual commander in chief heroically leading the military. The president and a few heads of military will join together to form the mega robot. The theme music can be heard all over the country when the Big V is forming. With Voltron we sort of kill two birds with one stone but we’ll be sure not to kill any eagles though. Cast your Vote-ron for Voltron! (joke donated by my friend Steve) All the Joe’s from G.I Joe and all the Transformers will make up the rest of our military so you never have to worry about us losing a war unless the ruthless Cobra, Megatron, or Tom Cruise comes into power. There will be no need for thousands of military employees with such powerful forces who could wipe out anything in their path.
Finally, we’ll rename New Jersey to “The Sexy Armpit” and everything will change accordingly. “The Sexy Armpit Turnpike.” “The Sexy Armpit Department of Motor Vehicles.” Think about it. It’s much more appealing. The tag line for the campaign can be “Come visit the NEW New Jersey, it’s now called something WAAY snazzier…THE SEXY ARMPIT…now screw off.” From then on, Jersey will definitely step out of the shadow of New York’s skyline.
You know something…F–K politics! Aren’t you fed up with this country’s total lack of focus on what’s really important? This is why I’ve decided to lay out my plan which is a complete overhaul of this country. My plan will put this country on a spin cycle, and I can assure you I WILL NOT FORGET THE FABRIC SOFTENER!
Are you at all surprised by McGreevy’s 3-ways, rest stop romps, or “Friday night specials”??? Think about it, Spitzer’s so desperate he needs to hire a prostitute to get a BJ? Wait, desperate isn’t even the proper word, he spent over $4,000 to get some action! Not to mention that the action was from a Jersey girl, talk about a waste of funds! That’s a fortune to some people and he spent it on something the majority of us halfway decent looking guys with average brain power could get after spending the night in any dive bar around the country (especially in Jersey!) His successor Patterson is such a scared pansy that he spilled all so they don’t catch him in a lie. What more can come out in the media each day? Each story released spurs further dirt on candidates and politicians that truly have nothing to do with the war in Iraq, health care, or the apparent recession. All these smutty stories do is divert our attention from examining the true problems this country has.
I’m so fed up with the direction this country is going. I’m angry that our media decides to focus on everything BUT the important issues at hand. Why do we care if Bill Clinton had a side piece? Are we that gullible to believe he was the first politician to do that? How come the guys only get called out on it? Talk about a sexist world! It would really make my day if Spitzer announced he was divorcing his wife for being a dried up old hag with no sexual interest in favor of running off with his 22 year old, 105 lb prostitute…that little hot bitch. All men want is to have a woman who brings some lust and excitement to the bedroom department. For some reason, the guys that go into politics aren’t typically Ambercrombie models. Most of these guys grew up with a chip on their shoulders because they couldn’t get laid, and now that they have some notoriety they use it to their advantage whether gay or straight.
This country is in denial! It needs to sit down on a couch with a therapist just like Tony Soprano did. If the rough, tough, and macho mob boss Tony Soprano could sit down with a therapist then why the hell can’t the United States? America has lost it’s focus, it’s ignoring the real issues, and frankly it’s got a real addiction to Hollywood gossip. That’s gotta stop!
As for my grassroots campaign, my candidate will use Jem and the Holograms “We Can Make a Difference” as his campaign song. My candidate will fight every battle with fierce patriotism and the values the country was founded on. Where the hell did our pride go? Remember all that Red, White, and Blue that was splattered all over your town about 6 or 7 years ago? That 9/11 rallying seemed to disappear not too long afterward. Jem will assure the country that our new candidate can and WILL make a difference!
Let me go over a few of the Policies of the the ideal candidate. The first policy my candidate ratifies will be replacing the House of Representatives with “The Secretaries of State.” The Secretaries of State will comprise of women, celebrities or well known female personalities who will serve as the spokesperson for each state. For instance, Eva Longoria will be the representative for Texas since she is from Texas. Each secretary would obviously have no responsibilities since they would merely be figureheads associated with tourism and sports teams. People will automatically think of the representative of the state when they think of that specific state. Most likely you’ll see them on T-shirts in airport gift shops. As an example, the Texas shirt features Eva Longoria all sweaty and dirty in a camouflage bikini, a machine gun and a bandanna. The shirt reads “Don’t Mess With Texas.” That’ll definitely be a top seller.
My new Secretarial program will also integrate political commentary into shows like Extra and Access Hollywood. It will in turn give us all a reason to watch those boring ass political shows on Sunday morning. Featured each week as guest hosts will be different Secretaries of state wowing us with their comprehensive, educated, answers and lightning fast responses to hard pressing, hot button issues. How will that miracle of modern science be accomplished? Easy! A small microchip implanted in their ears will send them transmissions from Washington D.C feeding them exactly what to say! Only Jack Bauer is in on the secret. This measure will prevent stuff like THIS from happening:
“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help
the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian
countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”
There will be hott calendars featuring the secretaries on sale in gift shops and Spencer’s everywhere. Half the proceeds of all “Secretaries” merch will go to the government, in order to offset the ass rape of taxes we receive all year long. I won’t rule out action figures, playsets, and thongs either. Think of how easy for us guys to remember…oh ok, “Angelina Jolie” represents California! “What’s the capital of California? Who gives a fuck! I know who the secretary is, and I can name all the films she appeared nude in! Isn’t that enough dammit! That’s enough politics for one day!” Even young students will find it advantageous to memorize each states representative. Many young boys will have their first wet dream thanks to California. “Mommy, I can’t seem to remember the representative of California, can we discuss her more thoroughly and purchasing her complete filmography on iTunes might jog my memory”
The sexy Secretaries would meet in the House of Representatives when they have their bi-annual (its not called “bi” for nothing (wink, nudge) lingerie pillow fight. Lots of important issues will be voted on afterward like who looked the hottest, who can get the most applause, and who should take their top off. There’s also the much anticipated annual Chili competition. No, it’s not what you think! The girls don’t put on chefs hats and cook up their own spicy, beany, meat stew. They all get put in a room in hot string bikinis where air jets are blasting ice cold frosty air. Whoever can stay in the room the longest without grabbing for stuff to keep them warm like a fur coat or thigh highs, will win the competition. Whoever has the most meat on her bones will have the edge. Just think…Hard Nipples for EVERYONE! Even though I’m not a necrophiliac, I’ve always thought blue lips were superhot.
Please join us tomorrow for the outline of Phase II of The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” campaign 2008!