November is Model Railroad Month! Lots of kids and adults alike are getting ready to set up their toy trains for the holidays. Until then, check out the above video that I filmed back in the summer while waiting for a train at New York Penn Station. This window display is on the NJ Transit side and it’s pretty damn cool, especially if you’re a fan of Jersey history or just dig cool window displays. I never thought I’d see such a tribute to New Jersey in New York Penn Station but it’s actually right there near the waiting area so you can witness it for yourself the next time you are there, OR just watch this video! Of course, it’s not a traditional model train set, but since it’s the work of NJ Transit this will serve as our observation of Model Railroad Month!
“Bundle up!” not cheery. pissed. have to walk outside in 19 degree weather. shovel. scoop. toss. shovel. brush snow off car. get into car. residual snow falls onto seat. sit down, ass gets wet. turn car on. crank up defroster. get out of car. scrape ice off windshield. spray de-icer on windshield. begin to drive even though glass still fogged up. “Can’t be late for work!” obviously not smiling. roll down window. more snow falls into car. stick head out so I can see where I’m going. wonder why I don’t live here:
Believe it or not, I’ve been trying to track down a picture of this awesome billboard for a long time, but to no avail, until now. A few years back while on a train ride to New York City, I saw the same billboard as pictured above in Newark and thought it was one of the coolest beer ads ever. Corona ads have always taken a different approach from other beer brands. I praise Corona’s ad campaigns for making abundantly clear that they are a different breed than your average brew. This is cerveza. Sure, it’s easy to sell beer to frat boys. Bud, Miller Lite and Coors Light ads, all seem to say “I’m a masculine guy who loves sports and sexy women who love sports, now let’s get wasted!” Listen up, I’m not giving Corona props just because they were brazen enough to feature the Garden State in one of their ads, but they actually do present themselves in a more sophisticated light.
The regional aspect of this billboard accomplished more than what an average ad could. Back on that train ride, I took a glimpse of the billboard for a fleeting second but the image stuck with me. Momentarily, my mind was whisked away to the alluring, mysterious, and deserted island of New Jersey where beer runs from bathroom faucets and the warm ocean water is blue and the sand is soft and white. This visual only works for a few seconds until I abruptly flashback to what I actually have to deal with on a daily basis. In the winter, I wait about a minute and a half for my faucet water to become luke warm, so let me verify that no beer comes out. Then of course, our ocean water is usually frigid, which is more scary than refreshing even on sweltering days, and it’s dirty, nay, probably contaminated. The sand? Fuggedaboutit. Broken shells, cigarette butts, garbage, mashed up jellyfish, crab carcasses, used condoms; It’s all displayed for you like an unexpected putrid potpourri. You thought a vacation at the Jersey Shore was supposed to be all fried Oreos and Snookie? Ha. It’s a tough call but I’m going to say that Corona’s imaginary Jersey Island is intensely more appealing. I can envision myself right now relaxing on the beach, with my feet massaged into the soft white sand and the only thing I might have to defog is my sunglasses.
*A big thanks goes out to Michael William Sullivan for taking this perfect shot of the Corona Billboard. I’ve gone to several lengths to get a hold of this ad directly from Corona and the ad agency who created it, but neither were helpful. It would seem that presenting an ad on a blog could only mean free advertising for the product, right? Maybe next time when The Sexy Armpit knocks on their door they’ll give up the goods. Check out all of Michael William Sullivan’s excellent photography here at his Deviant Art page
Other media outlets and blogs were on this story like a cheap suit, so I’ll do it up Sexy Armpit style. If you know me in “real life,” then you know I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan. There’s Bon Jovi fans all over the world, but if you grew up a couple of miles away from Jon’s hometown and went to the same high school Richie Sambora did, there’s a special connection. Everyone all over town has a Bon Jovi story for you.
Here’s one: Opening night of the Prudential Center was pretty exciting. It took about 10 minutes to walk from Newark Penn Station to the new venue “The Rock” as they’re calling it. This wasn’t a fun journey because I had to pee so bad and people were walking very leisurely, like when they’re at the mall on a weekday. I briskly walked past everyone not giving a f–k about huge piles of horse shit in the streets. Horse shit? Oh yeah, there were police on horseback in addition to the 35,000 other cops and security strewn about the area. You’d think the President was coming. (I doubt Bush would last 3 seconds in Newark. I also doubt he’d be able to bypass all the piles of horse shit.)
TV crews and radio stations were setup and, once we got there, thousands of people were waiting in lines to actually get in the building! There was a big holdup because everyone had to get patted down, scanned, and then you had to do the hokey pokey. As I held out my ticket to give to the ticket taker, she said “I need your ticket.” I was a bit confused because that’s exactly what I was shoving in her face at that moment. They really trained these folks well! We made our way up the spiral staircase that brought us to the top that overlooked the foyer with the N.J Devils logo on the floor.
“The Rock,” is a brand new facility with the most up to date amenities. The center also features a bar/restaurant
that’s open on the area side so you can watch whatever’s
going on while your getting trashed and eating a $5.00 slice of pizza. I would say the place was fairly impressive, but I really didn’t think there was anything wrong with the Meadowlands Arena aka the Izod Center.
I questioned how cutting edge the facility was when people were leaving after the show and the escalator stopped dead with a bunch of people on it. If we didn’t grab hold of each other we would have went flying into that disastrous place called “let’s cover this up by giving them comped Bon Jovi
tickets for the next 10 nights so it doesn’t make the papers.”
Oh yeah, you probably want to know how the show was! Let’s put it this way, Bon Jovi NEVER puts on a bad show. Every time I’ve seen them they’ve been on point and I always leave saying how great the show was. It gets harder to top themselves but this show had a more laid back vibe, like on their latest album “Lost Highway.” The album is less rocking, and more reflective, with a country aspect to sound. That didn’t deter the band from kicking off the Prudential center and their world tour in a grand fashion: “I’m a New Jersey Devil and this is my new house,” Jon declared.
Highlights of the show: The opener “Lost Highway,” “We’ve Got it Goin‘ On” (What’s with all the the commercial jingles lately?), A spectacular rendition of “These Days” sung by Richie Sambora with Violinist Lorenza Ponce. How many times have you seen a violinist rocking out a solo? Then there was the middle aged guy who’s pissed drunk and thinks he’s giving his own concert to the people around him. I can’t forget the crazy people in front of us who thought they were filming a B-52’s video. (see above) They were dancing like they were at a Prince concert. The best moment as always was the finale of their anthem, “Wanted Dead or Alive.”
Lately when I sit on the toilet and take a crap, I am overwhelmed by a sense of appreciation for modern plumbing and bathrooms. Recently I was on the NJ transit train heading toward NY Penn Station. I had to pee really bad. I forgot that there was a bathroom on the train so I took the chance.
Even though if I would have peed myself it wouldnt have mattered cause it looked like a lot of the people on the train had done the same thing. Suddenly, my nostrils were struck by the foulest odor. It was impervious. I could not handle the odor. My mission was to urinate as fast as possible while trying not to inhale the mixture of all the previous visitors shit/fart/piss/puke smells. I peed while holding my shirt over my nose and avoiding making eye contact with all of the stuff that missed the aluminum bowl. I got more nauseated as my liquid fell into some sort of brownish orange goo that resided there. My regurgitation was really close to joining the rest of the crew to hang out. Luckily i was finished. I got the hell out of there.
It’s always funny when you come out of public bathroom and you think that the next person that goes in there is gonna think that YOU made the stench, or the mess. Not true. Always give them the benefit of the doubt. An example is the bathrooms at college. In between English classes I have to take leaks. I look down past my junk to the urinal and see on the sides of the bowl part – long ass pubes. WHO THE HELL are these morons whose pubes fall off and decide to perch themselves on the bowl of the urinal. Mind you that they dont fall in the water, its the part above it, like the ledge. Most important – we are in a technologically advanced 21st century…why do guys have huge bushes? Guys shouldnt have pubes that are as long as my middle finger. That is fucking disgusting. Shave your fucking bush down you fucking psychos. And stop yanking your pubes while using the urinal.
Finally, modern day bathrooms RULE. They are amazing. They are the “shit.” We don’t realize how good we have it. Ever use a Johnny on the spot? Or a Portosan? It’s like the outhouses people had in the old days. There was odors, flies, and other people’s excrement. Let’s be thankful that we can shit in a peaceful, nurturing environment. We even have spray to wipe out the odors. It’s grand.
So, it’s all good. Thank God for modern bathrooms, cause without them I wouldnt be able to laugh so much when my shit is too big to flush down the shoot. It acts like its holding on for dear life, fighting the supreme suction. It just does not want to get devoured by the abyss. I don’t blame the shit. The shit finally gets out into the open and then gets sucked away. Shit doesnt have a very long life. It’s kinda like Boba Fett and the great Pit of Carkoon from Return of the Jedi.