Monica Keena is October’s Garden State Playmate!

monica keena,freddy krueger

I first saw Monica Keena on Dawson’s Creek. Ah crap, I guess that means that I actually watched that show. Yup, I did, but only the first few seasons, I swear! A few years later she also starred in one of my favorite shows ever, Judd Apatow’s Undeclared. Undeclared was another show that suffered from low ratings, but I was a staunch believer and was sad to see it go. Luckily, Keena didn’t disappear with the cancellation of Undeclared. The girl who would soon be known for chopping Freddy Krueger’s head off was born in New Jersey and raised in Brooklyn, NY.
monica keena
Keena also has another Jersey connection. She provided the voice of Trishelle in The Sopranos: Road to Respect video game. The game was released for PS2 in 2006. Several people have told me that the game sucked, but I’ve yet to play it. I’ve also yet to play with Keenas boobs but that’s a whole other post. I can see it now “The Sexy Armpit: Road to Monica Keena’s Boobies.”
monica keena
For a while, before she apparently had a botched plastic surgery, I thought Keena was stunning in every film or TV show I saw her in. Dammit! I even sat through the abysmal Man of the House because of her! On the other hand, Fifty Pills is still an underrated film. I also can’t forget her hot little stint on Entourage either. Unless she has some sort of miraculous resurgence, or Tarantino tweezes her ass out of Hollywood limbo, it seems like Monica Keena’s most memorable role will always be as Lori Campbell in 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason. Next up, Keena will star in the remake of Night of the Demons along with Shannon Elizabeth, Eddie Furlong, and Diora Baird.

This is one of many Keena quotes printed on her IMDB page:

“I’ve only seen two horror movies in my life, and one of them was Nightmare on Elm Street, when I was about eight years old. And it scared me so much that I couldn’t sleep for two or three months. So I always swore I would never do a horror movie. It was very cathartic to be working with Freddy and to realize he’s not a real person. Robert Englund is a really sweet guy under all the make-up.”

Haunted House “Illustration”

Illustration is in quotes because I don’t think this poorly drawn picture that I made when I was 9 years old deserves that description. Drawing was never one of my strong points, but what this haunted house lacks in technical accuracy it excels in spirit. My passion for horror began at a young age and when October rolled around, there were many assignments in school that involved Halloween and all things spooky. This haunted house was the result of an assignment my teacher gave us: Draw a haunted house and then write a story describing the house using similies.
I ate assigments like this up. I remember that I couldn’t wait to get down to business. I also figured that I had an “A” in the bag since I was one of the few kids in my class obsessed with watching horror movies, not to mention that I was one of the only ones who had parents that allowed me to. (Thanks Mom and Dad!)
I jam packed every creature that might be associated with a haunted house. This drawing included ghosts, spiders, candles, 8-bit mini Frankensteins, bats, talking pumpkins, Jason and Freddy, and of course…that other thing you have NO IDEA about. The thing standing to the left of Jason is actually supposed to be Chucky from Child’s Play. The other conundrum is standing outside the house perched on top of a coffin. Yes folks, that’s supposed to be a werewolf who, poor thing, has no arms. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure I left Dracula out because he was still chilling in his coffin. Since the moon is clearly visible on the top left, it’s high time he got his blood sucking ass outta there.


New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 21: Jason Takes New Jersey!

Nothing would have broken my listlessness upon hearing the news that one of my favorite horror franchises would be getting the goldigging Hollywood reboot. At that point, not even Jason Voorhees stabbing me through my brain couldn’t have elicited a response from me. In fact, Jason himself could’ve launched himself out of Crystal Lake, jogged to my condo, crashed through my window, and took off his hockey mask and told me personally that Michael Bay would be bringing him to life once again and I would’ve shook my head somberly with a question mark floating over my head. I have to accept that remakes are and always will be a fact of life, and I have to take the good and take the bad like Tootie did.
That’s right folks, we must gauge the threat level of all these ridiculous remakes, prequels, and reboots. My lack of enthusiasm level was at SEVERE when I first heard the news of the Friday the 13th reboot, but after seeing the film, the level dropped to a breezy blue which is merely referred to as GUARDED. What was one of the reasons for the decrease? Why of course it was the fact that the filmmakers didn’t ignore the original film’s New Jersey roots!
Originally, I read on several websites that the new F13 would not be filmed in New Jersey, but in Texas. My mind conjured up the idea that this new version would reference Texas as the new home of Camp Crystal Lake, which worried me to the point where I didn’t even want to see the film. It wasn’t much of a stretch since the filmmakers may have wanted to pay tribute to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was appreciative when I saw the scene where the gang drives to a convenience store for some gas and munchies. Their black Escalade was all duked out in a couple of New Jersey license plates! I felt like 3PO after an oil bath.

I can’t speak for the legions of fans of Freddy and Jason, but personally I cringe at the fact that movies from my youth have been primped and given cute little bows like when the Cowardly Lion was turned into a sweet little girl after a makeover in the Wizard of Oz. What little bit of ferocity he exuded was depleted right at that moment. At one time, ’80s horror franchises had more in common with the Scarecrow. After a while he kept losing his hay and stuffing, and if he didn’t get re-stuffed he wouldn’t survive. I suppose if Freddy didn’t start wearing cool sunglasses on the beach, playing video games, and uttering cringeworthy puns that made Robin the Boy Wonder seem like he was doing amateur night at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, NJ, then maybe the Nightmare on Elm Street series would’ve died after Dream Warriors. Jason Voorhees was the wiser of the two since he packed up his shit and went into space! He knew that only something that outlandish would spell certain doom for his series. While not completely horrible, 2009’s Friday the 13th could have been more memorable, but it was a satisfying film, and it gave NJ the props it deserved.

Jabberwocky with the Letter “J”

I “jacked” this post activity from the highly entertaining Samurai Frog at Electronic Cerebrectomy. To each subject on the list I had to supply an answer that begins with the first letter of my first name. It felt sort of like being on Family Feud except only getting to use answers that have the same first letter. This seems pretty simple but there were a few that stumped me. Give it a shot, it was fun! It’s probably more challenging if you give yourself a time limit. Oh, here’s the catch: No repeats aloud! Jackyl could’ve have killed two birds with one stone: an animal and a rock group! But NO repeats!

1. What is your name: Jay
2. A four letter word: Joke
3. A boy’s name: Jack 
4. A girl’s name: Julie
5. An occupation: Janitor (Carl from The Breakfast Club is my favorite janitor of all time)
6. A color: Jade (not many colors start with J)
7. Something you wear: Jacket
8. A food: Jelly
9. Something found in the bathroom: Jacuzzi
10. A place: Japan
11. A reason for being late: Jitters
12. Something you shout: Jackass
13. A movie title: Jason Goes to Hell
14. Something you drink: Juice
15. A musical group: Jackyl
16. An animal: Jackrabbit
17. A street name: John F. Kennedy Blvd.
18. A type of car: Jaguar
19. A song title: Jam On It
20. A verb: Jump

The Sexy Armpit Goes to Nightmare: Bad Dreams Come True in New York City


After I wrote this entry I realize, “gee maybe I should Google this idea before I write it.” Of course, the same showdown appeared over at Geekanerd’s awesome blog in ’07. Luckily, I detailed this year’s Blood Manor in an earlier post and this review focuses mainly on Nightmare NY. Either way, I’m sure you’ll find this review helpful if you’re thinking of going to a haunted house in New York City.  If you haven’t done so already, please read my review of BLOOD MANOR before you read this post.

Recently, The Sexy Armpit took a trip to the lower east side of Manhattan (CSV Cultural Center 107 Suffolk Street at Rivington) for Nightmare:Bad Dreams Come True. This haunted walk through bills itself as “New York’s Most Horrifying Haunted House,” and from my experience I can tell you that it definitely isn’t. This is one of the more hyped haunted attractions in New York City, and even though I commend it’s effort, it didn’t make me feel nearly as scared as Blood Manor did.  Here’s why:

“Nightmare New York” attempts to make you feel as if you’re walking through someone’s bad dream. My major complaint is that each phase of the walk through seemed to fall flat without having a “home run” scare before you went into the next room. I realize not all of the rooms should have a major scare, but I felt myself wanting to be more scared. For instance, in one room there’s a small Asian girl (Asian girls have the monopoly on horror nowadays) getting out of bed while the covers and bedsheets come off of her by themselves. I didn’t find this very unsettling since it looked too mechanical. Then the little girl gets up and walks over to the door to coerce us into the next room. Now don’t think I’m being overly picky here, but as she got out of bed and started walking past the visitors in the room, it was a perfect opportunity for her to scare us or for something to happen to her. This was probably just a transitional room so I assume that the covers coming off the girl was the big scare. It just seems like there were missed opportunities for scares. What if she kept her head down the whole time and then when she was finished walking over to the door she moved her head up and her eyeballs are all white and she has black goo pouring out of her mouth. That’s one of the many possibilities that I’ve come up with. But they can call me if they’d like to discuss. 
Please consider that I’m not the type of guy who likes to have constant extreme gore and loud noises battering my senses every second like the younger SAW generation. I love to get creeped out, but I think it’s the authenticity of the actors in Blood Manor that makes it the winner. Since when are gross hillbilly guys scary? It seems like there’s a heck of a lot of horror movies that feature redneck mutants and that’s just not scary at all. One of the rooms in Nightmare NY contains a platform where one of these rednecks resides.  He looks like he’s into some kind of torture and he’s knocking back brews and crushing the cans and and dropping them on the platform. Once the full group enters the room he starts blathering on about something and says he’s got a surprise for us. He begins to motion toward his crotch as the the lights go out. Then, Johnny Redneck squirts water across the room at all of us as if he’s pissing on us. Real nice! That’s class. I’m not being stuffy, but when I think of haunted houses I truly want to feel frightened, not grossed out. I think the horror movies of today are to blame. If horror producers weren’t so concerned with cutting limbs and fingers off and torturing people maybe the climate in the horror genre would be different. Why did the “gross out” shift in horror occur anyway? If I was going to “Gross You Out NYC” then I’d probably have given them a good write up. I guess I’m just a purist when it comes to classic horror and psychological thrills.
Nightmare NY is the clear winner in the length of time it takes to go through the attractions. Nightmare NY actually contains 2 separate attractions for the price of one. I would say that it took about a half hour (give or take 5 minutes) to get through both attractions while Blood Manor was no longer than 20 minutes. In this case though, the length of the attraction doesn’t make up for the fact that I didn’t find it scary at all. 
I was hoping that the the second part of Nightmare, called Nightmare Legends had some familiar movie characters. There were only a few but you won’t see your favorite characters like Freddy or Jason. Legends starts out with a room that has the corpse of Frankenstein’s monster moving his torso up and down as if he’s going to get up.  What I didn’t like about the second part was that there were red buttons that had to be pushed to get the “action” of the room to engage. Naturally there were a bunch of goons in front of me who incessantly pressed the button if nothing happened instantly. Then they would start touching everything in the room thinking they were going to activate the specific room’s display. It was a big mistake giving the people the power to activate the displays because that not only allowed them to act like douchebags but also took away from the spontaneous feeling that these haunted attractions need in order to be scary. When you have to press a button then it seems like any old display in a seasonal Halloween store. “Hey kids! You can buy this life size corpse of Frankenstein’s monster for your front yard for only $800 bucks! Quick, yell for your parents and then press this red button to see me rise from the grave!”
The physical aspect of Nightmare NY turned me off. You’ll see warnings abound before you go into the attraction that there are a few instances where you will need to be “physical” to make it through to the next room. The first obstacle that I had to make it through was a door made up of 2 inflated walls smooshed together. I basically had to muscle my way through it. I’m a pretty claustrophobic guy and I really didn’t enjoy that part especially knowing that it’s been pressed up against a thousand other sweaty people. Keep in mind that it’s pitch dark and at first I didn’t even understand how to get through the contraption in the first place because even with my superior night vision (!) I didn’t see the slit that I had to force myself through. Finally, I realized what I had to do. I guess I was disappointed that I worked for a scare that never happened. Another room had visitors crawl onto and over some little girls bed. The scary part was supposed to be that the girl was actually kneeling on the bed spazzing out from a nightmare. 
All I can say is that if you’re planning a “haunted house night” in the metro area, then do some online research first.  Let Google help make your decision for you. It’ll help your wallet because admission to these attractions are usually quite a few doubloons. Usually these haunted houses are about $20-30 dollars admission and you may have to shell out more for transportation or gas depending on where you live. If you feel like you were just totally gypped after you come out of the haunted house then you just blew some cash you could’ve spent on a couple of DVD’s! You also may want to make a night of it and get a little tanked before or after the attraction. Both Nightmare and Blood Manor offer alcoholic beverages but Blood Manor features an actual swank lounge where you can sit and drink with your friends in style. In this grudge match of haunted houses, for me it’s no contest, BLOOD MANOR contains more higher quality scares, better actors, and it’s way closer to NY Penn Station than Nightmare NY.

Want a Savior But Don’t Need a Fake? Elect Alice Cooper!

This just in from the Sexy Armpit News Desk:

The U.S Treasury is presently in discussions to officially remove George Washington from the dollar bill and replace him with the macabre rocker Alice Cooper. The country nervoulsy anticipates the outcome of such a monumental decision. When contacted for a comment Cooper just started yelling “I want to be elected.” Coming to you live from Washington D.C, I’m Jay Amabile for The Sexy

Here you can sign the petition that will hopefully get Alice Cooper elected president which will hopefully lead to him getting his face on the one dollar bill. Let’s take a look at his resume and see why he’s more qualified than both of our candidates in this presidential election:

As it turns out, much like Wayne and Garth, we’re not worthy! Not only has Alice partied with the Muppets, Jason Voorhees, and Slash but he’s also got himself a mean golf swing. I’m sure he’s trying to forget his moment accompanying Jake “The Snake” Roberts to the ring at Wrestlemania 3 so we won’t make him re-live that one.


Before we get to the videos, I actually caught this Alice Cooper One Dollar Bill at his Brutal Planet concert 9 years ago today. Alice kicked off Fright Fest at Six Flags Great Adventure on October 1st 1999. It wasn’t the only time I saw Alice but seeing his show on a cool, eerie October night in the middle of an amusement park didn’t get much better! I caught the dollar bill and Ryan Roxie’s guitar pick; could the night get any more memorable? Just after that thought ran through my head I saw Alice come over to us (we were in the front) pointing his cane at my then girlfriend as he sang to her “…You’re Poison runnin’ through my veins!” I chuckled to myself as if he knew my pain! Thanks for relating Alice! Now onto the videos!