Upstate Farms Intense Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk

I don’t scream for ice cream, I sort of give a half-assed whimper. Considering all the junk food and candy that I talk about here at the Armpit, I’m actually not a big fan dessert or candy. If I have to choose a dessert, I enjoy simple stuff like milk and cookies. Not surprisingly, chocolate chip cookies are one of my favorites, and if they’re homemade I like them even more. But when you’re dealing with a strange guy like me, it can never be that easy. Milk and cookies aren’t much work to whip up, but not in my case. I like my chocolate chip cookies homemade, and WITHOUT the chocolate chips! To me they just interfere with my favorite part of the cookie.

Amongst my profusion of hangups, quirks, and pet peeves, I also loathe the chips of chocolate in Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. The funny part is, I’m not a chocolate hater, it’s just that the chips ultimately get in the way of my enjoyment of the dessert. The chips in mint chocolate chip ice cream always get stuck in my teeth and it’s super annoying. I’d like to enjoy the chocolate but I can’t because it makes a pit stop in my molars and doesn’t come out until I brush my teeth. If I could just get the pastel green mint ice cream sans the chocolate chips, I’d be a pig in shit. The only way I could take it to the next level is if I had mint (remember: no chocolate chips) in “soft ice cream” form rather than “hard.” 
When I was a kid I remember telling my sister that I liked letting my ice cream turn into “soup.” Once my ice cream liquefied I would just drink it right out of the bowl. Drinkable ice cream was my favorite, and still is. I even like to let my ICEE’s and Slurpee’s melt so I could get the prime flavor of the syrup without the minuscule ice pellets getting in the way and freezing my brain. To sum up what you’ve just read: I like my Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream melted and without chocolate chips in it.

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On my weekly trip to Wegman’s, I was waiting in line to check out but got distracted by a plastic bottle of green liquid in a refrigerated section near the exit. Wegman’s has an extra dairy section at the front of the store for convenience, in case you don’t feel like running all the way to the back of the store just to grab a gallon of milk. I grabbed the “Intense” Mint Chip flavor by Upstate Farms immediately as if I was the only person who knew this treasure was on the shelf! 

Aside from name dropping their own brand name about 62 times, (Intense!) the label on the back of the bottle describes the drink as “…a creamy and indulgent drink…” Then the label goes on to say “This is the drink of choice for the mint chip ice cream lover on the go.” It’s fairly awesome that they’re actually marketing a drink to a group of people known as “mint chip ice cream lovers.” I never realized I was part of that demographic, but I like it! The Intense Mint Chip contains the typical benefits of milk such as vitamins and protein, but unfortunately has 35 MG’s of cholesterol in case you’d rather not have a heart attack.

Intense Mint Chip is the type of drink you want to sip on a crisp moonlit night while you’re rolling down the highway as the street lights are streaking past you like your in light speed and the stereo is blasting Laura Branigan’s “Self Control.” It doesn’t matter that you’re sipping milk…you still feel really cool. Trust me.

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Considering how exalted the Mint Chip flavor is, the Orange Scream can’t come close to its greatness. Think of the Intense Orange Scream as the sub par sequel, or the redheaded stepchild of the Intense milk family. Upstate Farms falls short with their Orange Scream, which is yet another failed attempt at creating the classic orange cream flavor. (Sunkist also failed recently with their miserable orange cream float.) One of the major strikes against Orange Scream is that it substitutes what’s supposed to be a nondescript “cream” flavor for a strong vanilla flavor. The cream shouldn’t necessarily be defined as “vanilla” because then it has the chance to overpower the orange flavor. The vanilla flavor may be forgiven if it isn’t a true “vanilla bean” flavor since a regular “no frills” vanilla would work better. There’s an exact balance of orange and cream flavor that needs to be perfected to achieve orange cream paradise. On a positive note, unlike the mint chip, the orange scream is creamy yet still low fat. Its label is pretty exciting or should I say…INTENSE! Even though I didn’t enjoy their Orange Scream formula, I have to hand it to Upstate Farms just for their sheer variety of offerings such as Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, Cookies and Cream, and Mocha Java. Now all us Star Wars fans need is an “Intense Blue: A New Hope Special Edition Milk.” I hear it’s going to be high in midichlorians. Come on, where’s the freakin marketing people now? Can I get some kickbacks for that?

If Things Never Got Cold

The summer is approaching and the weather is heating up. Man, I can’t describe how much I take my central air for granted as I sit in an 83 degree condo. We already know what happens when it gets hot since we’ve heard it in a ton of songs. Gonna Make You Sweat, Hot in Herre, Hotter Than Hell, Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot. Even the poor misunderstood Paris said “That’s hot.” But what happens if things didn’t ever get cold? Those iconic songs and quotes will seem like a Nostradamus prophecy.

For Van Winkle’s sake we wouldn’t have Ice Ice Baby
And the nipples wouldn’t get hard on your lady
There would be no cubes to drop in her drink
After you slip those roofies to get to into her pink
How would hockey players skate in the rink?
Want to go see the rollerblade capades? It’s fun, I swear!
Kids wouldn’t get to savor snow days, it wouldn’t be fair!
Freeky Freezies would be well…um…just plain freaky
But I’d still have the hots for Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jack Torrance wouldn’t have been frozen in the maze
Too Cold, Too Cold…it’s the phrase that pays
and that badass will lose his ice cold gaze
Say hello to your new chief of staff Johnny Blaze
It’s a cream truck now since it lost it’s “Ice”
it’s the worst occurrence since Bo B… (oops! no “ice”)
You’ll never have to break the ice or pretend to be nice
You wouldn’t be “iced out” so there’d be no name for jewelry in hip hop
although shorts would still be acceptable on that hot cop
Think about it…Icee’s would turn into Meltees
and you’d have no use for cold eeze.
IMDB wouldn’t acknowledge Arnold’s turn as Mr. Freeze
Unfortunately not much would change with Ree-Yees
What would I do in suburbia without iced tea?
Could we still play We Ski for the Wii?
No icebergs, so the Titanic wouldn’t sink
it’s a scorcher out there, so have yourself a warm drink
Fughetabout Fla-vor-ice you freaks
And NO ICE in 9 1/2 weeks 🙁
Hey look what’s not freezing…the stream of piss as you’re taking a leak. Goodbye to that Hoth planet. Take more clothes off! Dammit Janet! Freeze tag reverts back to the plain old tag, and you’ll never need de-icer on the windshield of your brand new jag. David Blaine ain’t living in a block of ice in New York, and the Yeti has gone into hiding and feels like a total dork. Your pillow is never cold when you lay down your head and the toilet seat is never cold when you sit your ass on the head. To think i can’t even call Lacie Heart HOT anymore but at least we’ll still have our memories of the cold war. Cool ice sculptures would become no more than a spill on the floor.

In the middle of the 3rd period there was a big hit on center puddle and on the football field you won’t see the players breath in the huddle. If you’re desperately wishing for a blizzard, you’ll have to go see the wizard. He’ll also give you a melting klondike bar, figure out what you want to do with it. Maybe you’ll eat it with Iceman Tom Kazansky, you know he can chomp down on that shit. From Chily Willy to Frosty the Snowman and Cookie Puss to Fudgie the Whale it’s all over for them, hammer their coffin with a nail. Icy Hot is still in business no surprise. What the heck are Eskimo pies? Freezing over? What’s with all those lies?
Tourism to Hell is on the rise. Global Warming can suck my d–k, how about 2 nice big snow balls to lick?

We’d experience hot season never “cold season.” Your assets would never get frozen. You’re girl would never complain that it was too cold to take her clothes off. Not only during the holidays would our hearts be warm. Paula Abdul would be missing a hit “Cold Hearted Snake.” And kids wouldn’t fall through a half frozen lake. Never again would a Wendy’s frosty touch your lips, or a 7-11 Slurpee tingle your tongue.

The cliché a cold day in hell would become obsolete. The cryogenic chamber scene in Austin Powers would be edited out of the film. Erased from existence…much like Marty might have been. “What is it hot?“ no cold…damn cold. Not anymore. Leftovers such as Meatloaf would spoil, even if it’s in a deep freeze and riding a motorcycle. You’d now have more of a reason to cover up the fact that Snow Job was your favorite G.I Joe character. Al Snow..well…you can call him “Al”…you must. Skiing and snowboarding would be pretty asinine. The popular pastime of Snowballing…well that would still happen since temperature isn’t really involved. But I would imagine it’s fairly warm.

Tone Loc still can’t remember how her made his medina cold. Wanna kill someone? Damn sure it won’t be in cold blood. Everyone would want to perform in front of large crowds cause they’ll never get cold feet. The band Hot Hot Heat record an updated version of the national anthem. The people of Alaska and and the Arctic polar bears would have year long yub-yub type celebrations. This just in: Steve Austin brings back “Stunning” moniker. Bruce Springsteen will get hit with a 10th avenue melt out. Oh, and about that new horror film that came out this week…if it was a few years ago…critics would’ve hailed it as “Chilling.” You’d always be able to find shit that people have hidden on you. Guess where your birthday gift is? You’re warm…you’re geting hot…you’re burning up…you’re on frickin’ fire! Wow, this is easy! Maybe sitting in this 83 degree condo isn’t so bad after all.

Supermarket Sweep

I was walking around Wegman’s last night and decided to pick up a few things that caught my eye. I’m always on the lookout for obscure food products and I definitely found some. My first aquisition was Saranac’s Shirley Temple Flavored Soft Drink. With 50 carbs, 50 grams of sugar, and not alot of carbonation, this soda is super sweet and will undoubtedly give you Hyperglycemia. It tastes truly amazingly like a Shirley Temple, and it goes down really smooth. I used to get crap as a kid for ordering Shirley Temples and I never understood why until someone told me that I was supposed to be ordering a Roy Roger. I only knew Roy Roger’s as a western style fast food chain. Who cares if I ordered Shirley Temples wherever there was a bar, they tasted awesome. I even got a little older and started concocting my own at home with grenadine and soda. Now I can have my own pre-made ST in a neat glass bottle and worship at the Temple of Shirley.

Second pickup on my Supermarket Sweep was Wegman’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Ice Cream. It’s awful for you, but it’s smooth and delicious for my tummy. There were other brands that made this ice cream flavor but this was the only one I found locally. Ben and Jerry has this listed in their flavor graveyard. Apparently is was only around for a spell and died sometime in the late ’90s. I guess I’m pretty late on the mark. According to Blue Bell Ice Cream’s website, they make the flavor as well. Either way, the combo of the peanut butter ice cream with swirled grape jelly is awesome and worth trying.