New Jersey Comic Expo Was Nerd Nirvana

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Much like Jello, there’s always room for another large scale comic convention, especially in New Jersey. Thinking back to when I was a kid and events like this were basically non-existent in my neck of the woods, the sheer abundance of pop culture conventions in the Tri-State area is reason to rejoice. The amount of cons is unfathomable to me at times, but it’s the quality that matters of course. Lately, I haven’t been disappointed. You might remember the AC Boardwalk Con, which was pretty awesome and set a pretty high standard for the modern era of NON-NYC Comic Conventions. With no affiliation to NYCC or Wizard World, this weekend’s New Jersey Comic Expo turned out to be an event we Jersey geeks can call our own, hell…look at that logo! It all went down this weekend at The NJ Convention and Exposition Center in Edison, NJ and I will give you the full report.

A sunny and cool Fall day provided the background for my excursion to the NJ Comic Expo. It was the perfect reason to ignore the fact that I desperately needed to clean my condo. On the ride to the convention center I thought to myself “How is this going to be any different than the other 462 conventions that I’ve been to?” For one thing, the complex I was driving to is where I had covered several Exxxotica conventions in the past. So, right there, it was definitely going to be different because there would be a lot less porn.

Even though I was an early bird, the parking lot was already starting to fill up. I got registered and made my way inside. First thing I noticed was the massive scale of this event. It was on the level of NYCC, and it hit me right away that it wasn’t bogged down with too much promotional nonsense. Everywhere I looked I saw collectibles, toys, and most importantly, COMICS! There was copious amounts of nerdery for me to gorge on, but I emphasize comics because that is the crux, the spirit, and the lifeline of all comic conventions, as it should be. When you have a hard time finding actual comics at a comic con, then there’s a problem. You may have read previously here that I stopped collecting physical comics a while back, opting for digital, and although it’s extremely tempting, I try my damndest not to buy hard copies unless it’s something really special. Further into this article you will see how I flip flop on this stance.

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The Dianoga in the Garbage Chute from A New Hope was a little ornery, but he finally quit squirming and posed for this photo for me. He was the true star of the event.

I continued on my trek through the entire expo center. The layout was logical and left enough room for me to not feel claustrophobic like I often do at these things. I stopped at Robert Bruce’s table to see his wildly diverse assortment of toys and nostalgic collectibles. You know him from AMC’s Comic Book Men and his accounts on social media (@popculturizm.) I’ve known him for a while now and I always enjoy talking with him because he loves what he does so much. He’s the real deal when it comes to toy collecting. After shooting the shit with Robert, I went over to talk to my friends in the New Jersey Ghostbusters. They had their Ecto 1 parked next to their table as we discussed their upcoming appearance in the Ghostheads documentary that is coming out soon. They are great dudes and they also appeared in The Sexy Armpit Halloween Special this year so I owe them a Chinese Feast with the last of our petty cash! They even had a small billboard for themselves that was a screen shot of them from their cameo in my Halloween Special. Check them out here: GBNJ.NET

Then, I found the autograph tables. I went to say hello to my friend Tommy Walker, star of Netflix’s Daredevil, who was appearing. Actress Amy Acker (Angel, Person of Interest) seemed very friendly as I passed by her table while she was meeting her fans. At that point I remembered that Samantha Newark, voice of Jem was appearing as well, and I had to go and meet her. Voice actors, especially those from cartoons that I grew up watching obsessively, are icons to me. Samantha was so cool to talk to and since I was in there just before the crowds started piling in, I had a while to chat with her. I told her about how I felt the Jem movie was needlessly shat upon (well, I didn’t use that exact terminology) and she agreed. I still stand by the fact that it in 5-10 years it will be looked at as a cult classic. You might think that’s a stretch, but stranger things have happened. Samantha had various Jem promotional photos to sign and other items, but I opted for a JoeCon exclusive GI Joe #212 comic with Zartan and Cold Slither and Jem and The Holograms on the cover. It’s one that I had been watching on eBay for a while. I’m glad I held out because now I can say I bought it and had it signed by the voice of Jem herself. This was one case where I had to get the Hard Copy. In fact, Barry Nolan is going to do a schlocky TV report about this.

What was cool about meeting Samantha Newark was that I didn’t even go to this expo with that objective in mind. I totally forgot that she was appearing, so it was this cool little unexpected moment for me. I actually smiled in the selfie we took which is rare for me. She even brought up her last name and how it has nothing to do with Newark, NJ, so all of those burning questions have been answered. It’s not a secret nod to her hometown or anything. It was just a cool moment because I’m that type of person who can hear Jem’s voice in my head, or any cartoon character from my youth, like He-Man or She-Ra etc. Not like “voices in my head,” but those are the voices I hear if I think of the character. I’d imagine not everyone feels as strongly about voice actors as me, but I’ve always been so fascinated with them, especially those who voiced characters that I loved as a kid.

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NJ Cosplayer Ashley Uncanny as a Gotham Cheerleader

Next up, I walked over to the Cosplay Corner. I’ve always been heavily interested in Cosplay and dabble in it myself. I can’t make any claim to be a cosplayer per se, but I do put together my own intricate costumes. What is so insanely impressive about cosplayers is their dedication. The cosplayers I know put so much time, money, and love into whatever character they are portraying. Their attention to detail is incredible and the fact that they travel hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles to be at these cons is a testament not only to their love of cosplay, but to meeting fans and being a part of the scene. I had a chance to speak to Princess Morgan and Ashley Uncanny, and both were very cool. Princess Morgan had such an elaborate costume that left in me in awe (it won best in show at a Wizard World con) and traveled several hundred miles by car to be there. I told her I’m going to wallpaper my walls with her Harley Quinn photo shoots…she didn’t laugh. You can see the one that I took home below. Ashley Uncanny (pictured above) is a bubbly Jersey girl who was sweet and super friendly as she greeted everyone who went to her table.

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By that point, all I purchased was a comic book. I always go into these things trying not to blow too much cash, but this wound up being like a small leak that grew out of control. Actually, I’m exaggerating. Truthfully, I wound up picking up a few things I had on my mental wish list for a while. Let me tell you about my haul!

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I bought some cool shit, didn’t I?

I came home with some action figures, naturally. I’ve been re-watching the first season of The Flash TV series now that it’s on Netflix and that made me realize that, out of all the Reaction figures I own, I didn’t have The Flash! He’s now speeding around my condo cleaning for me (yeah right!) wouldn’t that be so awesome? I continued through the little mini storefronts that were set up with T-Shirts, Pop Vinyl figures, old Star Wars memorabilia, and my eyes zeroed in on one figure out of about 50 hanging on pegs. It was the Jae Lee Wonder Woman DC figure that I had been looking out for. It would’ve been easy to just get it on Amazon, but since it was right in front of my face, I figured why the hell not. It’s such an awesome figure! Glad to have it as part of my collection now and it coincided with the release of the Gal Gadot/Wonder Woman movie promo picture that hit the Internet. And the one figure that I hadn’t seen up until that moment was this Game of Thrones Daenerys figure from Dark Horse. It’s really more of a figure-statue since it’s not articulated, but I’m fine with that considering how detailed it is. Surprisingly, this is my first Game of Thrones collectible even though I’ve watched and loved the show since it premiered.

Toys are great, but Artist’s Alley is always my favorite place to browse at a comic convention. Jim Lee was appearing, but I was more interested in the creators in artist’s alley. Whether I’m discovering a new artist or meeting one of my favorites, it’s an excellent opportunity to pick up some original work from artists from the comic book world and elsewhere. After checking out almost all the artists, I arrived at two shared tables by a husband and wife from Chicago. The pieces they had on display were enticing me. Note to those with a table at a con: easiest way to lure me in: just put Lily Munster somewhere in your display and I will be at your table in mere seconds. After trying to decide what I wanted, I came to the conclusion that the Julie Newmar Catwoman print pictured above was perfect. This oil painting style of her had that special quality and it was like nothing I’ve seen before so I had to have it. I also picked up a couple of other pieces for friends here.

It was about time for me to wrap up since I couldn’t afford to stay any longer! I dug the Jersey Comic Expo and I hope they come back next year to the same venue. Next year, I’d like to see a larger roster of celebs as well as an expanded cosplayer area with photo backdrops and faux sets. Otherwise, there really wasn’t anything to nitpick, and if you’re into comics and buying geek paraphernalia, this is one of the best events I’ve been to in the area and I recommend it to you for next year! Thanks for reading.

Sick To Be Square: Reuniting with Entenmann’s Almond Squares

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Strep throat sucks. I’m not presently afflicted with it right now, but I’ll never forget the first time that I had it. I was about 12 or 13 and it felt like the absolute worst kind of sickness I ever had up to that point in my life. Mostly because for that week or so, eating became an activity that I dreaded.

A chef I am not. A food reviewer? Far from it. But, like most of you, I’m a devourer of food. I enjoy the eating experience. Some people I know like to get it over with as quickly as possible. They’d rather open a compartment in their stomach and just place the food right inside than sit for an hour laboring over a delicious home cooked meal. Not me, I think eating is one of life’s greatest pleasures. To be so familiar with that kind of indulgence and then to have it randomly ripped away from you by a stupid sore throat is not cool. Do I sound over dramatic? Well, it was a severe sore throat, OK?

This might have been the first time that I realized that I was taking food for granted. Not only was I used to savoring my mom’s home cooking on an almost nightly basis, but, after dinner I usually liked to have something sweet. I was never a huge cake person, but if there was a box of anything Entenmann’s in the house, that shit wouldn’t last more than a couple of days. The variety pack of donuts (the one they’ve been selling forever) would be dead meat if it came within a few feet of my radar. Nowadays I don’t crave sweets anywhere near as much, but back then, an Entenmann’s box knew that its days were numbered as soon as it was removed from the plastic A&P bag and set off to the side on the kitchen counter. It was saying Hail Marys and making last minute alterations to its living will. What do you pass down to your niece, the sweet cheese danish?

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The “Ultimate” Almond Squares – now with a layer of Raspberry filling

So, that bout of strep throat brought my appreciation of eating to an abrupt halt. Rather than savoring the delicious dinner that my mother slaved over that evening, I was swallowing what could only be described as a meal of razorblades chased with a tall glass of Everclear. Damn strep throat. Consider yourself very lucky if you’ve never had to deal with this illness. An irritated and throbbing throat is never a welcome feeling, but strangely, it didn’t effect everything I ate.

Obviously, you don’t want to be eating hot buffalo wings with strep throat. Of course, chicken soup and tea with honey and lemon soothes your throat, but not many other meals can be considered good strep throat foods. It was that night that I inadvertently discovered that I was still able to eat and thoroughly enjoy a certain dessert.

My mom went grocery shopping earlier that day. She picked me up some throat lozenges and a few other things to make dinner. She also bought a dessert that she thought I’d like.

The classy white and blue Entenmann’s box was such a tease. The box sat on a slim stretch of counter between the stove and the wall, it couldn’t have been more than a foot wide, and the box nestled into it’s home quite perfectly. For the rest of the day, and through dinner time, my mouth watered desperately for the contents of the Entemann’s box. Why would I even bother indulging in dessert when I could barely eat or drink anything?

These Almond Squares looked so damn good that it was worth risking the most intense throat pain for them. I’m not talking about Hollywood Squares, or Quaker Oatmeal Squares, these were Entenmann’s f’n Almond Squares. Their mystique was legendary. While not as mainstream as their “Crumb Coffee Cake” or their “All Butter Loaf Cake,” I would not be denying myself these evenly cut squares of moist cake, doused in almond flavoring with powdered sugar on top, even if they were considered a mid-card offering.

I was in need of some comfort food. Besides, there was no rule in the house that said because I was sick that I couldn’t eat these. They were fair game and somehow I had it in my head that these wouldn’t annihilate my throat like the rest of the stuff I was ingesting like chicken parm. In fact, a part of me (the batshit insane part of me) thought they might actually heal my throat.

After dinner, I waited until my shows were on, and I switched the black and white TV on that we had in the kitchen, grabbed the box and plopped my sick ass down at the table. I started going to town on these delectably moist and heavenly squares of powdered perfection and all seemed right in the universe. I had almost forgotten that I was even sick. In fact, several squares into my session, I forgot I even had a sore throat!

Could it be? Could these Almond Squares have powers beyond my knowledge that weren’t listed in the ingredients? Shouldn’t Entenmann’s be required by the FDA to list that type of thing on the box? “Enjoy this delicious treat…also, our Almond Squares WILL CURE STREP THROAT.”

Several years later I recalled how much I loved these Almond Squares. It wasn’t just because I was sick and they provided me with some temporary relief. It was because they were actually awesome. I couldn’t imagine a world without them. Every single time my mom went food shopping I asked her to pick them up for me. I guess it wasn’t meant to be though, because the Squares and I never reunited. My mom broke it to me that she was never able to find them again after that.

Not too long after I got my license I was able to drive around on my own to several local grocery stores and even the Entenmanns outlet store in Edison, NJ to see if they had them. Of course, they were nowhere to be found. At that time, the Internet wasn’t even a valuable enough tool to even consider trying to get a straight answer about them, so I just called Entenmanns. The first rep told me they had no idea what I was referring to. The next rep I spoke to later put me on hold and when she returned she explained to me that they haven’t been made in nearly 4 or 5 years and there were no plans for them to return any time soon.

I never gave up my quest. Every time I passed the Entenmann’s display in the grocery store I would check for those tasty little square bastards. Never found them. Then, back in 2007, I decided to give it another shot. I called and e-mailed Entenmann’s. Again the rep told me they no longer made them, which was a piece of info which I had already known for many years. My last hope was the e-mail I sent to them. I waited several weeks, but never received a reply.

On one random day, I checked my mailbox and noticed a letter from Entenmanns. I felt like Clark Griswold in anticipation of opening up the envelope with his Christmas bonus. Would it be a certificate telling me that they were giving me a lifetime supply of Almond Squares for my undying support of their products? Was it an official Entenmann’s Almond Squares Ribbon that I could wear proudly on my jacket lapel? Was it the secret recipe from their vault so I can make them at home? WHAT WAS IT? I tore it open to find out.

What kind of witchcraft was this? A mysterious letter? I actually held it in my hands, it wasn’t an e-mail. It was made if paper and the coupons they slipped into the envelope were obviously made from pure rhodium. The coupons were worth well more than the savings it leads you to believe. Each one weighs 3 lbs.

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What do we got for ’em Johnny? Parting gifts include two Rhodium encrusted limited edition Entenmann’s coupons for $0.40 cents off any of their products. Expires 6/30/08

I could’ve easily expressed my thoughts about this back in 2007, but if I felt like it would be a waste of time because there was no way anyone else would have the same passion as I did to make this into an actual thing. I’m not saying I was going to be orchestrating a campaign or picketing outside Entenmann’s Headquarters to get these squares back on store shelves, but I was absolutely making more noise about these damn Almond Squares than anyone else on the freaking planet, especially nearly 15 years since the last time I remember eating them.

Now, it’s been over 20 years, and as a goof, I figured I’d do a Google search for them. What do you know? A new “Ultimate” version of the squares are available miraculously and nobody from Entenmann’s notified me. I checked the product locator on their site and immediately drove to the nearest store they listed. I picked up 2 packs.

I’m about to eat one now.

They are little different. I can’t officially say for sure, but I don’t remember the original having a layer of raspberry filling in them, but these are now referred to as “Ultimate Almond Squares.” The word Ultimate is possibly there to indicate the inclusion of the raspberry. The almond flavor and the moist consistency is all I remember though. They are still good, but I’m thinking this raspberry filling is an added feature to appeal to the newer, edgier dessert buying crowd. I’m just thankful they’re not Red Velvet Almond Squares. That would be a major sellout.

I have to say that this is the euphoric culmination of a 20 year chase that I had hoped for. Naturally, compared to when I was 13, I’m now able to deal with getting a sore throat better than when I was a kid. I’m forever thankful to Entenmanns Almond Squares for being there by my side to make my first battle with strep throat slightly less torturous.

Check out two other Entenmann’s posts here at The Sexy Armpit:

* Entenamnn’s has been a tradition in the Northeast since 1898 and is now owned by Bimbo Bakeries, USA, the American arm of Mexico’s Grupo Bimbo. http://www.entenmanns.com/

Chao Down With Me at The Menlo Park Mall Food Court

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The other day as I was taking my car out for a spin (if you must know, I drive a semi-rusted neon green Chevy Corsica that has 469,000 miles on it), when my special Sexy Armpit communicator a.k.a my iPhone, began blinking bright green and making gross squishing noises. It was Sludgey Facetiming me. He said a bunch of my blogging cohorts sent me a message via our super secret pneumatic tube network (not so secret anymore, oops!). I hoped it wasn’t anything serious. “I’ll be right there Sludgey,” I said in my best Bale Batman voice.

Once home, I rushed into the apartment and grabbed the message from Sludgey’s barrel. “You are selected to win a million dollars a year, FOREVER, sincerely, Publisher’s Clearing House” clearly it was the wrong piece of paper. I shuffled through the other messages and finally found the correct one.

TO: Sexy Armpit

We are enlisting you for a mission. Review Chinese food restaurant at your local Mall food court. Go. Now.

And that was all it said. In the case that you ever receive a cryptic message like this, it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I hopped right back into the Corsica and sped off to the world renowned Menlo Park Mall. If you never get the chance to visit Epcot Center, you could do some mind altering drugs and just head to the food court at Menlo. There’s always something for everyone. All types of cuisine are offered, and most notably, Chick-Fil-A. But I couldn’t get distracted by spicy chicken sandwiches and sweet tea right now, I needed to stay focused.

The beauty part about Menlo Park being “My mall” is that I can often use one of my favorite lines from Mallrats, alter it a bit and sub out the Easter Bunny part, like so: “All I said was the Chinese food at the Menlo Park Mall was not appealing and she just threw her tray of chicken and toothpicks up in the air and knocked me down.”

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Of course, I’m referring to the sample girl, standing in front of ASIAN CHAO. She was offering everyone meat, but she wasn’t at all enthusiastic about it. In fact, I don’t think this girl could’ve been angrier about the thought of brightening the day of passerby with free food samples. She reminded me of Nicole Bass. She was brutish and imposing. Her fiery visage seemed to harness the flames from that Bourbon Chicken sign behind her directly toward me. I wasn’t sure what I was in for by declining her free sample, but walking up to the counter probably gave me immunity from whatever sort of weirdly uncomfortable beat down that I would’ve received from Nicole.

At first I thought Asian Chao was a really bad ethnic sounding stereotypical name, but after some investigative bloggerism I discovered that the term Chao does indeed refer to a Chinese stir-frying technique.

As I leaned up against a pillar waiting on line to order, I momentarily zoned out. My mind took a trip back in time. Ever since Henry P. Mall (I’m sure that’s his name) came up with the idea to put a roof on the good old outdoor strip mall, malls have been these magnificent structures with endless opportunities to buy all kinds of crap, provide a place for teenagers to get each others phone numbers, or in my case lend its catacombs as a setting for a couple of films I made. I even worked at the movie theater at Menlo for about 6 years of my life. I have some great memories there, a place that feels like my backyard.

I remembered how years ago, on any given weekend, the mall food court was absolutely theeee place to be. It was usually mobbed with people. Although I’ve lived mere seconds from two of the most popular malls in New Jersey for my entire life, a mall outing used to be a pretty big deal. When I wasn’t working at the theater adjacent to the food court, I used to spend all day there sometimes with my friend Sgt. E. We’d get lunch at the food court and then some Icees. We’d pick up some comics and stop in the arcade to play a few games.

My local malls are in a sad state of affairs now. What once existed as the only logical solution to everyone’s shopping dilemma, is now more of a place people go to do something when it’s shitty weather. If you needed to buy 27 gifts during the holidays, without hesitation you’d go to the mall, whereas now you can go to Target or WalMart. The financial crunch is sucking the life out of these malls. For instance, all the fountains have been removed from Woodbridge Center, fountains that I tossed thousands of pennies and nickels into during the course of my entire life, and all the trees have been removed from the food court in Menlo Park Mall. Those damn trees provided such ambiance. Now the food court has been castrated. Maybe too many birds were making homes in them? Maybe they were real trees and their roots were about to crack the floor open and suck everyone into the abyss? It’s sad, both my malls are decomposing.

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More on the “Crab Rangoon” later…and yes, I used air quotes

Oh shit. I forgot that I needed to decide what I wanted to order. Now the pressure was on. I had the ultimate booking power for this plate and if I didn’t get my shit together it seemed like the aggravated woman was just going to start tossing random food onto it for me. I wasted all that time reminiscing about mall memories and now I was being harassed by the server behind the counter about what I wanted. I was on a Chipotle-like assembly line and I needed to be part of the flow or get kicked off the line.

There’s a specific part of your id that compels you to get Chinese food. You know how it is. Sometimes you just get that craving. When it happens to me, I go to Ling’s Kitchen in Fords. It’s a legend around these parts. I’m a bit spoiled in that respect, so I have a hard time settling for any Chinese food that’s too much of a departure from how Ling’s prepares their food. When it comes to Chinese cuisine, I’m a total creature of habit. I order the same thing every time: General Tso’s Chicken with brown rice and broccoli. Sometimes places are stingy with the broccoli though.

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This photo I took could be the front cover of their menu, that’s how appealing this food looks, 
but looks are deceiving as we will find out…

At Asian Chao I had the option for rice and two of the main items. I went with Sesame Chicken because I felt that was a safe bet. Then I added in Chicken and Broccoli. Some of the usual offerings weren’t available, or should I say they weren’t even cooked and/or put out in the serving trays. I’m not a fan of orange chicken or sweet and sour chicken, so those were off the table. I also never order beef or pork if I’m doing Chinese, so my choices were as limited as sample girls angry facial expressions.

First, the Sesame Chicken. The sauce was pretty weak, and to me, that’s a vital component. Aside from a spicy kick, there wasn’t much flavor otherwise. Completely absent was the bold flavor that its rich appearance conned me into believing it had. The chicken itself tasted like the turkey in Christmas Vacation, overcooked, dry, and tough to chew.

Next on the plate was many peoples old standby, Chicken and Broccoli. To best describe this one, imagine a beige rubber car mat from the floor of a 1986 Buick, cut up, soaked in soy sauce, and cooked with broccoli that had been steamed in elementary school water fountain water. Not so good.

I took the liberty of adding a side dish. I’m not a big fan of egg rolls and they’re so common, so I opted for something I never ordered from a Chinese food place before: Crab Rangoon. No idea why I bothered, but I wanted to sample something sort of offbeat and I remembered that I tried this once 10 years ago with Miss Sexy Armpit, which was the first time in my life I had ever actually heard of it. Even when she mentioned it, I thought she was referring to a prequel to 1995’s Beyond Rangoon. I don’t usually eat crab either, but I figured what the hell, I was on a special mission.

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If you notice the pattern here, you’ll have an idea of just how underwhelming the Crab Rangoon was. I didn’t think it was possible for this to suck so bad, but the outer shell tasted like two damp, dustless Doritos fused together and stuffed with a tiny ball of cream cheese and crab meat. For some reason, I think the two specific rangoons they served me were the same ones that the manager laid out on the ledge of an open window in his apartment when it was drizzling. Then he realized he was late for his shift and he shoved them in his pocket and brought them to the serving area once he arrived at work.

Even the rice was average at best. How do you screw up RICE?

It probably seems like I’m exaggerating for effect, or being too picky, but it was all so laughably sub-par. Actually, maybe it is on par with what mall food court Chinese food is supposed to be like? Either way, Asian Chao isn’t doing the food court in Menlo any favors. If malls want to come back in a big way, they need a damn good Chinese place that makes mouths water. Everyone has their own concept of what their Chinese food needs taste like, and mine is definitely not at Asian Chao.

I didn’t even eat the majority of the meal and wound up going home unfulfilled. All wasn’t lost though, because this experience caused my mind to replay a line from one of my major all-time crushes, Marisa Tomei.

“I bet the Chinese food here is terrible” – Mona Lisa Vito, My Cousin Vinny (1992)

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Make sure you stop by all my friends sites to read their reviews of Chinese food places at their local mall food courts:

Matt at Dinosaur Dracula
Brian at Review The World
Will at Veggie Macabre
Molly at Swaggermom Tales

The Monstrous Miniature Glowing Golf Experience in Edison, NJ

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Yup, now you know you’re in New Jersey…
Aside from New Jersey pop culture, there aren’t many things that The Sexy Armpit is an expert at, that is, except playing mini-golf in a black-lit room full of crazy incandescent murals and animatronic monsters. Monster Mini Golf is to thank for bringing us this experience and in this post we will take a look at some of the New Jersey themed murals on the walls in the Edison, NJ location.

Several years ago, when Monster Mini Golf opened in Fairfield, NJ, they were gracious enough to have us out for a round of mini-golf. They also hooked us up with a few passes for a giveaway which was very cool of them.

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Hopewell Valley is a group of communities in Mercer County, NJ

I immediately fell in love with the concept of Monster Mini-Golf, since mini-golf is actually one thing I’m good at and thoroughly enjoy. I despise regular golf, so please don’t invite me on one of your ridiculously expensive “outings.”

As if Monster Mini Golf couldn’t be more up my alley, a few years ago KISS announced a partnership with the company. Located in Las Vegas, KISS Monster Mini Golf is just as awesome as the other locations, but if you’re a KISS fan it’s euphoric. Non-stop KISS music blasts as you make your way through the rounds which include giant KISS boots and a finale involving Gene’s tongue (naturally). KISS memorabilia adorns the walls and there’s even a KISS shop where you can buy all kinds of KISS stuff. I’ve been there twice and I would take up residence there if I could.

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Christie Street in Edison was the first street in the world to use electric light bulbs for illumination

Since Fairfield is a little bit of drive for us, I was excited when Monster Mini Golf announced a couple of new locations close by a few years ago. After visiting the location in Edison, NJ a few times, I must commend the company for the theme running through the murals on the walls.

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Monster Mini Golf pays Thomas Edison a tribute in this mural also featuring George Lucas

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Monster Golf’s murals usually include their original characters, but this time they incorporated a local motif. The Fairfield location had a zombie Bruce Springsteen, but that was nothing compared to the several New Jersey references that appear on the walls in Edison, and if you’re perceptive you’ll certainly notice them.

Most prominently was the fact that the location is in Edison, NJ, a town named for Thomas Edison, “The Wizard of Menlo Park.” The impact of that probably gets lost on the youth of today, but I always find it amazing that one of the most famous inventors of all time and a pioneer of things we use in everyday life is from the local Sexy Armpit Area. People like me, voracious consumers of media, have a lot to thank Thomas Edison for. He’s responsible for the record player, the movie camera, and the practical electric light bulb.

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In addition to Thomas Edison, another notable Edison native, Susan Sarandon, appears in a mural as well. With a mini Frank-n-Furter doll, this art brings to mind Sarandon’s starring role in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, one of my favorite traditions not only during October, but year round. Above catch a glimpse of a green version of October 2010’s Garden State Playmate.

NJ KISS Expo 2013 Recap

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This weekend was packed with stuff that I want to tell you about. The first of these adventures was the New Jersey KISS Expo at the NJ Convention & Expo Center in Edison, NJ.

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Oh, you know there’s an old adage that my great great great Aunt Florence used to say and that was “If you’ve been to one KISS convention, you’ve been to them all.” That might be true, but after going to a shit ton of them in my life, I can’t say there’s ever a moment when I’m at one that I’m ever NOT amused every second. Of course, if you’re not down with KISS, which many people aren’t, then you might not enjoy one of these, but there’s also a chance that if you aren’t a fan, you might be leaving as a newly inducted member of the KISS Army. That’s usually what happens.

KISS cons and expos have a way of seducing non-fans. An outsider might see the mystique and aura that surrounds the band, especially if they know nothing about them. That’s the best part of KISS. Walking around the expo center in Edison on Saturday, was no different than the other KISS expos I’ve been to, but it’s just a good time and a chance to not only buy KISS stuff, but also mingle with fellow KISS Army members. It was a total geek-out for us.

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One time a friend once asked me, “What do you do at a KISS convention?” I always thought that was a silly question, but it really isn’t because not everyone knows what KISS is all about. For many fans, including myself, it’s about the music foremost, but there’s a large part of it that’s about collecting cool KISS crap. So yeah, buy some KISS stuff, look at some KISS stuff, listen to a KISS tribute band, can you see the underlying theme here?

Sometimes though, it’s almost like you MUST buy something just to justify why you go to KISS cons. My only minor complaint about the NJ KISS expo is that attendees pay anywhere from $10-$20 dollars admission, but the show is relatively small. There are 2 large dealer rooms and that’s about it. Unless you purchase a ticket to a V.I.P signing, such as Tommy Thayer (or last year was Peter Criss I believe) that’s the extent of the show. I was hoping this year would be bigger, but it was pretty much the same as previous years. Also featured was KISSNation, a KISS Tribute band, but next year they need to get the larger space in the building and make the event a bigger deal. They can open up their dealer rooms to not only KISS dealers, but also toy and pop culture dealers as well.

You want me to stop with all the jibber jabber and cut to the point where I tell you what I bought? Actually, I will do that because if I don’t, I’ll literally continue writing about KISS until 6 a.m tomorrow morning. Luckily, for brevity’s sake, I only picked up 2 things. Well, it was ALMOST four.

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The only reason why I decided against the above pictured jacket was because it probably wouldn’t have fit me. Otherwise, why wouldn’t I want a ridiculously colorful KISS jacket that looked like it was made out of a kid’s plastic kite from Toys R Us in 1991? I still have my KISS rain slicker made out of a yellow Slip ‘n Slide material from ’86 that I never wear. In retrospect, cooler heads prevailed here, and by cooler I mean I wasn’t swayed by my emotions. A cooler head would obviously be wearing this insane KISS jacket while writing this.

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That jacket would really go well with a silver $20 dollar FUCK ring. Just to explain that one…it’s a Twent-ttty-doll-har ringgg that has the word F-U-C-K on it. Who would ever need a wedding band or an engagement ring when you can have a FUCK ring?

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For realz though, my first real acquisition was a KISS poster. the poster was affectionately labeled “Pink Creatures Poster.” I would’ve bought it on best name principle alone. KISS fans know what this means, even the casual ones. It’s a whimsical title, but it’s not a secret code, it’s just stating that the background is pink and the album it was made in promotion of was Creatures of the Night, and poster means it’s a big ass photograph printed on a quite large piece of paper. Keep in mind that this is a 30 year old poster, not one you could find all over Spencer’s in the mall in 1999. The poster features the late Eric Carr, my favorite drummer, and it caught my eye because its pink background stood out. I admit that was part of why I bought it. It’s always cool to see KISS in front of a background that’s not black or gray. KISS did pose for a lot pictures in front of brightly colored canvases in the late ’70s as well as through the ’80s, and this was one of the cooler ones.

Let me make it abundantly clear that I DO NOT need any more posters. I own so many damn posters that I could probably wallpaper the entire interior of the New Jersey Expo Center. At this point, I have two framed posters waiting patiently to be put up on my wall and this new one’s probably waited 30 some odd years to get put up and now it won’t see the light of day until, I don’t know, 2023? Sorry pink creatures poster 🙁 you’ll always be posted right here on my blog.

kissexpo09Next up was an old metal magazine. Typically I wouldn’t buy just a random old rock or metal magazine, but I found the cover to be pretty funny and appropriate. As if you hadn’t noticed, my favorite rock band of all time is KISS while Miss Sexy Armpit’s favorite “rock” band is Bon Jovi. I loved Bon Jovi in the ’80s and even in the ’90s, but basically all of their modern stuff has been totally weak. They lose even more points for alienating Richie Sambora and then firing him! If you know Richie, he’s a genuinely kickass guy and deserves much better treatment than that. So screw you Jon Bon Jovi!

KISS vs Bon Jovi? NO F*CKING CONTEST. Just blast a few of the hardest KISS tracks like “Parasite,” “Deuce,” “War Machine,” “I Stole Your Love,” and “Unholy” and you’ll know in a second who’s the better band. Even performing their weakest tracks in a concert 600 miles away from New Jersey, KISS would still blow Bon Jovi into the Atlantic Ocean. I’m pretty sure this was one of the easiest ways to sell a magazine in January of 1988. Motley Crue vs. Skid Row! ROUND 2 – FIGHT!

The Monsters’ Monster by Patrick McDonnell

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Monsters spell trouble if you have young children. Whether they are wreaking havoc in their dreams, in their closets, or in a movie they watched, monsters will keep your kid awake and rob you of your sleep. Unless the monsters they are acquainted with are the more friendly kind featured in New Jersey native Patrick McDonnell’s newest children’s book The Monsters’ Monster.

“…like so many contemporary monster books for children, it riffs off horror classics past, ensuring that parents will like it equally well.” – The New York Times Sunday Book Review

McDonnell, an animal lover, is the creator and illustrator of the daily comic strip Mutts. He’s also written several children’s books within the last several years including South (2008) and Me…Jane (2011). In his most recent lighthearted book, his Frankenstein monster is far from a monster, and this book has a positive message for kids. It won’t scare your kids, and it also comes just in time for Halloween!

*McDonnell was born in Elizabeth NJ and grew up in Edison, NJ.

NJ KISS EXPO 2012 Recap

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http://njkissexpo.com/

Cobo Hall in Detroit, MI may be one of the arenas where KISS recorded their monumental ALIVE album in 1975, but the NJ Expo Center in Edison, NJ is where the 2012 KISS EXPO took place on Saturday September 8th, 2012. The Sexy Armpit was there merely to take in the scene and report back to you, because I promised myself I wouldn’t get out of control with spending. Like many of you reading this, I’m a long time member of the KISS ARMY – hell, I’m probably a Lieutenant General by now. I feel good that I didn’t spend a lot and we still had a good time. Continue on for the recap!

Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. This expo is referred to as the NJ/NY KISS EXPO, which makes me happy that it refers to NJ first, but it’s also lame because NOTHING that happens in New York EVER acknowledges Jersey. It’s NOT the NY/NJ Comic Con, is it? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved New York since I was a little kid, but why the hell can’t we have our own damn KISS expo?

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Miss Sexy Armpit rocking some Paul Stanley style sunglasses 
and making Paul’s signature KISS face

God Gave Rock and Roll to me, well not to me personally, but you know what I mean, so who am I to refuse a freaking KISS expo merely a few miles away? Just show me where to sign! Well, I didn’t sign anything, but the tickets for the show started at $20 bucks each. Typical of most events like this, there were extra charges to meet Peter Criss and Bruce Kulick, but they were charged by the band member, not the expo itself. Since I was watching my spending I steered clear of all that anyway.

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Usually I go to these things with an agenda or looking for a few items I’d like to own, but this time I just wanted to go and shoot the breeze with my woman and meet up with my friend Jim. That lucky guy is going on the upcoming KISS KRUISE II! Jim brought along his custom mint-in-box Peter Criss PEZ that he made himself to get signed. At this point, I’m pretty sure he’s had all the band members sign his custom made KISS PEZ set! Gene even told him not to sell them, what an A-HOLE! HAHA. I don’t care, I love that big old Demon anyway.

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Gene Simmons can’t be mentioned in the same sentence without the thought of $$ MONEY $$, so let me tell you what I bought. First and foremost, I have enough KISS stuff to last me a life time, so the days of pining over KISS stuff are beyond me, that is…until something awesome crosses my path. Miss Sexy Armpit and I were digging through piles of t-shirts, (tees are some of my favorite things in life), and I didn’t see any I really liked for myself, but found an awesome Rock and Roll Over tee that I bought for Miss Armpit. As you can see, it was hard to pass up! It will do nicely for the KISS/CRUE show at the PNC Bank Arts Center on 9/21! Plus, it will match the patch on the back of “Irvin,” a.k.a my old denim KISS vest.

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One of the only disappointments about the expo was the scale of the show. It wasn’t as vast as I imagined it would be. I missed last years expo so I can’t compare it, but this one had 2 fairly large rooms with plenty of vendors, but I guess I’m spoiled. Considering I’ve been going to Chiller and Monster Mania for years now, an expo like this feels small. It really wasn’t small at all though. 
As for entertainment, there was Dylan, a 9-year old Peter Criss impersonator playing drums along with KISS tracks, which was pretty cool. He kicked ass on the drums too. One thing I’d like to see the expo add next year is a few sets from a KISS tribute band. I understand they come with a pretty hefty price tag, but that would be worth the admission for me. I love watching KISS tribute bands, obviously not as much as I do the original band, but it’s still fun and an added attraction. Or Dylan can just get some of his friends and they can start up their own tribute band called KIDD. Do it Dylan!

Mary McCormack is May’s Garden State Playmate!

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She may have been one of the reasons why Howard Stern and his first wife were separated. I feel so damn old saying this, but, back in the late ’90s, during the making of Private Parts, Howard constantly proclaimed on his show that if he wasn’t married he would love to be with actress Mary McCormack. He called her his “movie wife,” as she portrayed Alison Stern in the 1997 film based on his best selling book.

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Any guy who has seen Private Parts remembers the screen shot I grabbed on the right

Since starring as Howard’s movie wife, McCormack appeared in a steady stream of films and TV shows. Some of her credits include Deep Impact, the underrated comedy Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (Nuckin’ Futs!)K-Pax…yes K-PAX, and TV shows ER and The West Wing. McCormack also had a main role in 2007’s 1408, a pretty decent little thriller based off a Stephen King story.

Most recently the Plainfield, NJ-born actress starred in USA Network’s In Plain Sight. The series premiere in 2008 grabbed over 5 millions viewers. Despite its initial success, In Plain Sight’s five season run will be coming to an end with tonight’s episode.

IMDB provides some trivia on McCormack: She is friends with fellow New Jerseyan Chelsea Handler, she graduated Wardlaw-Hartridge School in Edison, NJ, and she obviously has milf qualities but settle down dudes…she’s married with children!

The Sexy Armpit Quoted In Film Journal International!

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The Sexy Armpit quoted in the 3/23/2011 post at Film Journal International

OK, so, I admit that I Googled “The Sexy Armpit.” This fun little activity actually yielded a result worth blogging about. I discovered that Film Journal International quoted some of my thoughts on the new AMC Dine-In Theater that opened in Menlo Park Mall in Edison NJ. Thanks to FJI, because this was pretty damn cool. I give credit to writer Andreas Fuchs for having the bravery to cite The Sexy Armpit in a professional film journal! You can read the whole article HERE.

Here’s the background: Last December I was invited to a preview of the new AMC Dine In Theater that was about to open a few days later. Considering that I worked at this theater for several years I thought it would be interesting to see how it evolved. My post “Dine-In Theaters? AMC Newest Movie Theater Concept” received a ton of hits and people I know actually began to ask me questions about the theater as if I was the authority on it! The funny part was, I only stayed to check the place out. I had no interest in actually eating in the movie theater or experiencing it the way they wanted me to in order to review it.

I maintain that it’s split 50/50 between people who love the idea and those who have no interest. I have no problem commeding AMC for trying something new, even though it’s an idea that has been around for decades, but I’d prefer to chow down and watch movies in the comfort of my own home.

Easter Bunny Blasphemy!

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JAY: “You’re f*cking kidding me, the Easter Bunny did this?
BRODIE: “All I said was the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park Mall was more 
convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down”
JAY: “He’s f*ckin’ dead…”
BRODIE: “Oh, let it go he’s under a lot of pressure.”
T.S: “What the hell happened to him?”
JAY: “The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass!”

The territorial aspect of Kevin Smith’s films can’t be fully appreciated unless you are from New Jersey. If you’re from Pittsburgh, PA or Peoria, IL, the effect is not exactly the same. It’s like the way that people from Dallas felt a part of the long running prime time soap based on the Texas city, and it’s also no different than the way people in Philly connect with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you’re an outsider you probably didn’t know that the people who suit up as Easter Bunnies at malls in Central New Jersey have a bad chip on their shoulder, so don’t f*ck with them!

This doesn’t mean that if you are a non-Jerseyan you like Mallrats less than us, it’s just in a different way. Much like Clerks, it was a thrill when I first saw Mallrats in the theater since there were so many references to the local area. The mall scenes in Mallrats were not filmed in Jersey, but Brodie mentions Menlo Park Mall in Edison, New Jersey. Menlo Park Mall was quite an institution. It was one of those places where my family and everyone we knew would be at constantly. I have fond memories of it, especially before it’s revamp in the early ’90s.

Along with the above Easter Bunny scene, Mallrats also has an exterior shot of the old U.S #1 Flea Market. It was a legendary emporium that I also used to frequent a lot as a kid with my family. The flea market closed years ago to make way for a Loews Cineplex, which has since been taken over by AMC Theaters.

Back in 1995, even though it was merely through a couple of quick references, Smith provided a completely fresh take on Jersey in Mallrats.  He put Jersey on a pedestal, years before it was considered trendy. When Kevin Smith was originally embracing his home state there were no reality shows, and especially none that took place in Jersey. At that time Jersey wasn’t getting a lot of play in movies either, and when it did, it was usually the butt of a joke.

Smith also pioneered the fact that it was cool to be a geek. I can’t claim that trend to have originated in New Jersey but I can tell you that since then Seth Cohen from the O.C and the guys on Big Bang Theory as well as many others have been proud of their geeky lifestyle. They can thank Kevin Smith for making Brodie one of the coolest S.O.B’s in the history of movies. He’s literally a fanboy icon. I used to think that if a guy who liked comic books and video games as much as Brodie did could be that cool, it just reassured me that there were others like me out there. Although I doubt I’d ever choose a game of NHL Hockey on Genesis over a roll in the hay with a bitter, post 90210 Shannen Doherty, but that’s another story.

Smith’s films have helped geeks become proud of their fixations and he’s created films that have upped New Jersey’s coolness factor. For example, after Mallrats came out, people in Tonganoxie, Kansas thought we slackers in Jersey were pretty f’n rad, and meticulous with our comic book collections. I have news for you, we still are.