Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 67

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It struck me as odd to see a Bon Jovi Halloween T-shirt being advertised at their official web store. A band like KISS can never be questioned for having a Halloween shirt because their whole persona is built on their macabre costumes, especially Gene Simmons. You won’t go to a Halloween party this year without seeing at least one person or an entire group dressed as KISS. Yet, even if you see a group of guys dressed up as Bon Jovi, they will easily be mistaken for “any ’80s hairband,” unless they’re the minority who decide on the “early ’90s Bon Jovi, after they all cut their hair.”

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All of this leads me to wonder about this bizarre Bon Jovi/Halloween correlation they are touting on this cool Jack-O-Lantern T-Shirt which goes for an astounding $29.99! While you’re scrounging up the cash to pay for it, take a look at the Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi:

5. Sure he’s a talented songwriter but David Bryan’s hair is insanely ludicrous. Listen buddy, it’s time to go to whatever store in France that Bret Michaels did. Shit, even Gene Simmons hair, which looks like licorice flavored cotton candy, is better than that preposterous crown of curls. Dear Dave: this isn’t 18th century Europe!

4. Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. Those are some humongous white chompers! His childhood dream of becoming the next Dr.Teeth and the Eletric Mayhem band is one step closer to realization, except for the good rocking music of course.

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3. Jon Bon Jovi’s acting. If you ever need to kill any vampires, call Jon Bon Jovi: Freelance Vampire Slayer. He eradicates vampires with the power of his jazz hands.

2. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are Italians from Jersey. (Just in case you were wondering what happened to Alec John Such.)

1. What’s truly the scariest thing about Bon Jovi is that somehow people are buying their newer music. Every time I’m finished doing my business on the toilet, I look down at the water flushing into the black hole, and all I think of is “The Circle,” Bon Jovi’s latest atrocious album. If you happen to be rich and really cool and you decide to give out those ancient relics known as CD’s instead of candy for Halloween this year – don’t bother giving out any copies of Bon Jovi’s “The Circle.” Kids might throw it back at you.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 48: Bon Jovi “They’re Back!”

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Vintage Bon Jovi “New Jersey” T-Shirt from 1988

What a coincidence! This vintage Bon Jovi New Jersey T-shirt from 1988 is going for a whopping $150 bucks on eBay and an average ticket for Bon Jovi’s string of upcoming shows at the New Meadowlands Arena in May just so happens to be the same price! What a RIP! Of course, that’s not as bad as some of the other Jovi shirts I have seen on various sites which are going for upwards of $300 dollars! You are f-cking out of your mind if you pay that kind of money for a ratty, old t-shirt that’s more than 20 years old! I’d rather go experience an overpriced concert while simultaneously bypassing the $35 dollar beer/hot dog combo meal than buy a ridiculously priced, USED t-shirt.

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On the front of this shirt the band continues the Italian “mobster” stereotype that’s associated with New Jersey. Although, the guy on this shirt looks a lot like Lips Manlis from Dick Tracy.
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And what’s with the back of this shirt? Who the hell did Jovi think they were back then, DOKKEN? This “They’re Back!” business belongs on the back of an Alice Cooper or W.A.S.P t-shirt, NOT family friendly heartthrobs Bon Jovi! I’m getting scared just reading the back of this shirt, it’s scarier than David Bryan’s horrific hair.

The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack Review

Right this second in New Jersey, 2 miles away from Tromaville in fact, I sit atop an old hazardous chemicals canister that doubles as my computer desk in the toxic dumping grounds (it was empty, but thanks for your concern). I’ve been experimenting in my lab. No, I’m not trying to discover a cure for Toxie’s grossness, but I am trying to find out if the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical holds up after multiple listens. In order to figure this out, I’ve been alternating between blasting it’s songs for a few minutes then immersing the disc in mass quantities of green chemicals. After all, the theme of the musical is “be green,” right? Ohhhh, they meant, like, the environment and stuff? Well, if I discover the CD is that good, I’ll never have to throw it away, hence making LESS GARBAGE in New Jersey! It’s a win-win!

Not to be a blowhard, but I was lucky enough to review The Toxic Avenger Musical when it premiered in New Brunswick, NJ (click here for the review). After the show, the tunes wouldn’t leave my head for the rest of the night. Seriously, from a guy’s point of view, plays and musicals don’t seem to appeal to us as much as they do to girls. Personally, I enjoy going to a play once in a while like Rock of Ages, and even though not the studliest of musicals, Chicago. It really isn’t too bad, but how many guys do you know that would drive around town in their vehicle with their windows down blasting “Dance: Ten; Looks: Three” from A Chorus Line? For those who don’t want to risk it, they can feel A-OK about popping in the Original Cast Recording of The Toxic Avenger Musical.

Be advised that this is not some half assed rip off of the Troma classic, The Toxic Avenger. Unlike The Wedding Singer, and Legally Blonde, this is a sharply written, hallucinogenic, metaphorical, musical comedy. Now let’s see what David Bryan and Joe DiPietro can create with that mound of descriptions! It’s likely whatever they come up with wouldn’t be able to go face to sludge with the outlandish fun they’ve created for the soundtrack to the Toxic Avenger Musical.

“Everything oozes.”
“It’s never the same pus from one moment to the next.”

Sounds like it might be some dialogue from a song on The Toxie Musical Soundtrack, right? WRONG! It’s actually some dialogue from Waiting for Godot, the play you WON’T have to go see if you can convince your girlfriend to STAY HOME and listen to the Toxic Avenger soundtrack that you ordered. Trust me, this will work if you promise to act out Toxie’s parts! (Just get a mop and glue some green jello to your face, you’ll be fine.) Now this is more like it:

“There’s a place between heaven and hell, don’t need a map just follow the smell…a place filled with filthy air…a place filled with dark despair… A place called New Jersey! New Jersey….The Garden State.”

“There’s an exit called the 13B, right off the Turnpike where it smells just like pee…” To the rare breed of people who actually defend NJ from it’s constant pop culture persecution, this stuff is bittersweet, immortal poetry. Finally, these heartwarming sentiments have permanently etched their way into Broadway! So, Suck it New York City! haha. The words of the songs may seem elementary at first listen, but at least you won’t have to use an iPhone app to decipher the meanings of the songs. The easily relatable ideas of physical freakishness and pollution are two themes the soundtrack imaginatively evokes.

Creating fumes for Toxie as his blind love interest is Sarah, played by Sarah Chase. Put away your hatred of blind jokes for “My Big French Boyfriend,” and share Toxie’s level of cloud 9 gratification as he sings “Thank God She’s Blind” in appreciation of Sarah’s embrace of his hideousness. These pop rock tunes, although fluffy at times, still retain a dramatic tone. “Hot Toxic Love” can be considered the musical’s equivalent to Bon Jovi’s “Always” if it was turned on it’s head, shoved into a garbage can, and submerged in bright, bubbling, green slime.
Without relying on any visuals, Toxie’s tune “Kick Your Ass,” will empower you. This track follows Melvin Ferd after he is “reborn” as Toxie, a hulking hero that could er…excuse the redundancy, “kick ass.” Now, every time I hear “Kick Your Ass,” or any number of combinations, such as kick ass, kick his ass, kick my ass, or kick your mother’s ass, I hear the awesome rap rock stylings of “Kick Your Ass.” “I’m gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!” I can keep singing it for at least 3 more minutes and then I’ll just sound like a total douche, especially because I’m alone, but you get my point. It’s infectious. What? You’re saying it’s NOT infectious? Now I’m really gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!
As The Mayor of Tromaville, Nancy Opel’s zesty stage performance, and her unbelievably elastic singing voice ensure a long life for the musical. On “Jersey Girl” (complete with Bruce and Bon Jovi references) and “Evil is Hot,” Opel easily shines as the standout performer in the show. If you don’t believe me, the proof is burned by lasers into the CD! In just a couple of her signature moments, Opel plays dual roles and also utters the line “these two breasts can be yours, you can’t buy them in stores, go ahead take a bite!” How’s that for an opening line? But the moment that tops them all is when she belts out the endearing ditty, “Bitch/Slut/Liar/Whore.” When you’re playing this track for your girlfriend you can go into the nuances of Opel’s performance. Tell your girlfriend that this track truly displays Opel’s wide range of talent and at the same time it’ll also allow you to say “YOU WHORE!” without getting in trouble. In other words, this song has a built in “get out of jail free” card. Go ahead, feel free to sing it with me! “You Whoooooore!” See honey? You just have to appreciate the subtlety!
The CD saves the best for last. If the NJ Tourism commission had a copy of the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical they would easily forgo Bon Jovi’s “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” for “A Brand New Day in New Jersey.” The upbeat finale to The Toxic Avenger Musical rouses the audience into a standing ovation with every performance.
As for my aforementioned research, here are my scientifically authoritative findings:
If you find yourself singing songs from Rocky Horror while making your morning coffee “…I was just seven hours old…” then you will surely enjoy The Toxic Avenger soundtrack. It’s music is daring, especially in a modern musical climate suffocated with dance pop crap and poorly written, overproduced, hip-hop. You’ll hear clever lyrics that will surely give you a laugh regardless of what exit you are on the Turnpike. Even though Toxie has gone onto bigger venues (The New World Stages in New York City), and left NJ in the dust, you can still experience the songs! Great news,”You can breathe now in New Jersey, so you won’t catch cancer and die!” And there’s “no more garbage in New Jersey, cause we dump it in Vermont!” Thank you Toxie, NJ is no longer polluted and blanketed with fumes! You’ve made it safe for us to inhale!
The original cast recording of The Toxic Avenger is produced by David Bryan of Bon Jovi.
In addition, the CD also contains “You Tore My Heart Out,” a bonus track performed by David Bryan. The CD will be released on May 5th. You can order it here, and on iTunes!
New World Stages
340 West 50th
New York, NY 10019