10 Treasures Found at Dollar Store on Atlantic City Boardwalk

everything99

Mysterious isn’t the most appropriate word to describe dollar stores on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Nope. I think the word that best sums them up is “obnoxious.” But, let me take that back, we found one of them on New Years Day and it was sort of magical.

While walking the A.C boardwalk on the brisk, but sunny first day of the year with Dinosaur Dracula, we came across a 99 cent store that Matt said he’d like to stop at. I’m so jaded by these stores that my expectations of its contents were at the aboslute rock bottom. Through my black sunglasses I took one last look around the boardwalk. The sun blasted my face with fire as the blue sky soothed it. I admit, I was dazed for a second, but give me a break, there was some New Years debauchery that I needed to shake off. After a giant seagull stared down at me ominously from atop the adjacent boardwalk Psychic building, I heard him say “What are you looking at, go the frig inside already you weird bastard!”

We ventured in. We made like Miracles and shopped around.

After about 40 minutes of being in the 99 cent zone, I could hear Rod Serling in my mind introduce our own Twilight Zone episode “…To many, what they held in their hands was merely junk, but to these two young Frog Brothers wannabes, it might as well be heaven.” Maybe it was too much Twilight Zone Marathon.

After another good half hour at least, we still had yet to do a complete revolution around the store. We soldiered on and continued for another half hour at least. During a few long stops at some end caps to smell outdated WWE air fresheners, and test out gadgets that would give Randy Peltzer an uncomfortably lengthy Viagra boner, we walked further back into the seemingly never-ending abyss of aisles. At that moment, we thought, “how could there possibly be more?” Then we wound up in the housewares sections, and I use that term loosely. Then into the children’s wear section, and finally ending up in a section dedicated to mid ’80s telephone number organizers. F*ck this was such a great place.

The best way to describe it to you is this: It’s the Vendredi’s Antiques from Friday the 13th The Series, of the Atlantic City Boardwalk dollar store scene. It’s maybe too specific to have its own scene, but I don’t want to limit it to the label of “a good store,” because that would in no way be accurate.

By the way, you can never go there. Not only do I forbid you, but I warn you that it’s not your store to shop in. A mystical energy force field will repel you from it if you ever try to take one step inside of it. It’s mine, all mine dammit! It’s my treasure store, MWAHAHAHA! Well, it’s not all mine really. Dinosaur Dracula discovered it, and yes, I reaped half of the schlockiest, um…most glorious benefits.

It was as if Matt discovered gold and realized he had to split it. Because he’s such a good guy, he didn’t kill me over it in a fittingly Boardwalk Empire-like fashion, but he actually let me get a piece of some of it. Kindness must be a characteristic of the hybrid Reptile-Nosferatu, scientific name, Dinosaurus Draculus. Motherf*ckerus this is fun. I guess just add “us” at the end of the word.

I prefer to believe 99 cent EVERYTHING 99 cent has 100 million items, not 10,000 and it’s possibly the real mecca of the Atlantic City Boardwalk. Don’t get me wrong, Boardwalk Hall is an institution, and the Beatles played there, but can you buy a Skeleton Clicker Licker there? Most certainly not.

Yes, it’s full of outdated, unloved bric-a-brac, chachkies, and doohickies, and all the other more elaborate words my mom used to use when she couldn’t think of the word “junk,” but shopping here will actually save you from losing all your money in A.C. Here’s how: if you gamble the entire time you are “Doing A.C,” then you will surely lose your money, maybe even your home. But, if you opt to shop in 99 Cent Everything 99 Cent, you may only spend a measly $8.74 cents like I did, AND wind up going home with all the luxury items below.

As George Carlin once so eloquently stated, “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” Stuff is certainly what I don’t need more of. Unless it’s 1985’s “The Stuff,” that I’ll watch all the time. So, I made it a point to be more organized in 2014. I really shit the bed. Here it goes…

10. MY MR. MIDDLE FINGER

everything99a

If you know me, you know that it was only a matter of time before I actually owned this beautifully sculpted statue. It’s been a fascination of mine ever since the first time I stepped foot on the boardwalk with Miss Sexy Armpit. For only a dollar, the value was tremendous considering it’s made of pure ivory. In comparison to the classics, I put “My Mr. Middle Finger” (I just named him that) on par with The Thinker or Venus DeMilo. It’s hard to put into words, but this piece of fine art perfectly epitomizes what Jersey is all about.

Next time you have your boss and his wife over for drinks, make sure you keep this displayed as prominent in your home as Darrin McGavin did with his leg lamp. Mark my words, no item you find in Homegoods will ever evoke more style, class, and refined beauty as “My Mr. Middle Finger.” TM yo.

I can’t speak for other boardwalks or shore communities, but if you visit the Atlantic City boardwalk and you feel like buying someone an authentic souvenir and you feel a little bit more generous then picking them up some salt water taffy, this might be THE perfect thing. It’s been a staple of these dollar stores for probably 15 years or more. That makes it not quite as old as the Renaissance period, but it does trace back way longer than the dumb t-shirts you see in those stores that spell out Jersey Shore like this:

JER
SEY
SHO
RE

If there’s a true generation gap, please submit that as prime anecdotal evidence.

9. DENNIS THE MENACE PINBALL GAME

everything99e

Dennis the Menace. Damn him and his posssibly mid to late ’80s pinball…and his A.D.D. Fitting that he’s the spokesperson for a pinball machine that makes your head spin cause that little bastard used to make Mr. Wilson’s head spin for sure. You may have never heard about it, but the poor old man died of a massive heart attack. Autopsy report confirmed that his arteries weren’t clogged and he seemed to be in perfect health. You know what that means, right? Dennis killed Mr. Wilson. He literally annoyed the living shit out of him. I suppose that if it keeps him occupied for more than a few minutes, this cheap ass pinball game is worth it. More of a selling point for me is the packaging. If this mint-on-card pinball game ever manned up and f*cked a mid-20s Hot Topic employee, their spawn would be this exquisitely trashy and gorgeous packaging. I think Brutus Beefcake wore the same spandex pant print before he became “The Barber.”

8. BON JOVI CASSETTE SINGLE

everything99c 

I couldn’t walk the boardwalk and not pick up something for Miss Sexy Armpit. In fact, you get an exclusive, she doesn’t even know about this yet. Since she loves Bon Jovi, I picked her up a cassette single from Bon Jovi. “This Ain’t a Love Song” is a song about his love affair with himself from the discarded album titled “Portrait of a Megalomaniac.” I know, real scathing. Do you really care though? Didn’t think so. I know you want to hear about the Blood Ball key chain. Patience young Padawan!

This cassette single was originally on the shelves of The Wiz – an electronic store which was big in the NJ/NY area. Word at the time was that Nobody could actually beat The Wiz, but they eventually gave up and filed for bankruptcy in 1998. *PC Richards runs a sub-site using The Wiz’ name and logo.

7. TOTALLY ADORABLE DINOSAUR TATTOOS

everything99i 

MORE TATTOOS! Possibly the most adorable dinos I’ve ever seen. It includes the cutest, most ass backwards Stegosaurus ever and the little scamp at the bottom right. Matt tells me his name might be the good old galactic squidhead “Tailosaurus,” but that really hasn’t been scientifically proven. Either way, I’m through gushing.

6. WOW, ATLANTIC CITY POSTCARD

everything99h
This poor guy. 

Who really needs the whole “DO AC” campaign when there’s an entire branding bonanza on the front of this WOW! ATLANTIC CITY postcard? In all the years I spent roaming around the boardwalk in A.C, this is one that passed me right by. I guess I was never an avid “rotating postcard display rotater.” When I saw this one, confusion hit me instantly. Was this a modern post card meant to be ironic? Or was this just a really weird and f*cked up serious post card from an era when every damn thing in the world had its own postcard? When the process of buying and sending a postcard was still an activity people actually involved themselves in. More importantly WHO IS THIS GUY? AND WHY WOW? Even though I missed out on this joke when it first started popping up in stores along the boardwalk, I can still appreciate it. Wow.

5. CLICKER STICKER HALLOWEEN CANDY AND WHISTLE

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMCl73nh1-4?rel=0]

Super awesome looking skeleton bashing himself in his skull incessantly AND it’s joyously annoying as hell! At one time in the distant past, this was a blue raspberry candy, now it is completely green and really disgusting looking. How the hell do they actually get away with selling this stuff? The whistle doesn’t work. Oh no, wait, that’s not it. I don’t want to put my mouth on this thing that’s been sitting in a dollar store for 12 years.

4. SHITTY ASS DVDS

everything99f 

Moon Stalker and Time Chasers DVDs. Low budget late 90s horror and sci-fi. Avid dollar store goers might already know these films, but they are completely new to me. I am familiar with the sub-par DVDs sold cheaply without a plastic snap case, but I’m not familiar with these two who were so sub par that they were produced somewhere deep within the mantle of the earth and outfitted with fancy cardboard sleeves. I can foresee this getting a special enhanced Blu-Ray edition within the next 6-8 months. Who’s bringing the multi-colored popcorn? Even though both of these are most likely to blow chunks, Moon Stalker looks more appealing to me, mainly because of the subtle power of the movie’s log line, “Campfire Stories can be Deadly.” F*CK YEAH THEY CAN!

As I’ve made clear in this post, I often like to come home with, fine, museum quality pieces at bargain basement prices…

3. NUDE FEMALE TORSO SHAKER 

everything99b 

The beauty of this nude female porcelain torso isn’t the virtuoso sculptor behind this piece, it’s the versatility. You can shake salt OR pepper out of it, or why not combine both into one to save time and cop a feel AT THE SAME TIME! I’m thinking about buying some Red Robin seasoning to fill it up with, then I can instruct house guests to shake my boobs onto their burger if they want. Ah hell, who am I kidding? It would only be a bun.

What’s not really sinking into my mind is the fact that I actually bought this. When I first saw it out of the corner of my eye, I literally thought to myself “WHO THE F*CK WOULD BUY THIS?” Then, of course, I buy the damn thing. But, that’s not even the worst part. People MUST buy this. A lot of people MUST buy this fairly frequently. You can’t buy a nude female torso salt and pepper shaker made of high quality porcelain WITH a bonus stamp indicating that this is authentic from ATLANTIC CITY at just any local store.

Do YOU own one of these? I can’t wrap my head around it. If you are one of “these” people, I need to know who you are. I need to talk to you. Seriously. We need to converse, possibly discussing what size baseball bat you were hit in the head with when you were a kid and you need to give me a very detailed verbal tour of your home.

2. McDONALD’S ERASABLE WHITE BOARD (for the anal retentive Happy Meal kid)

everything99j 

Getting organized is high on my list of new years resolutions. In fact, it’s on there every year and I never seem to fully succeed at it. I really need to stop buying more stuff, but there is hope. Without a doubt, this McDonald’s dry-erase To-Do list is my only hope. I’m looking for it to be the spiritual shove in the right direction, that performance enhancing drug, that surge of adrenaline that’s gonna catapult my organizational dreams. It even has a spot for a check mark for each day of the week. I don’t really understand how to use this, but I feel it’s an efficiency booster nonetheless.

The fact that the week starts on Sunday makes me want to tear my eyelids off and stomp them. I know technically Sunday is the first day of the week, but Monday is the start of the work week, and this calendar is made to look like the weekend is only one day. Screw that. And screw McDonalds.

1. BLOOD BALL KEYCHAIN

Ohh yes. I say that in the closest I can sound like Paul Bearer as possible. The blood ball is a severed fingertip inside a ball of goo. On a key chain. That is all.

everything99d 

Now be sure to read about the amazing crap that Dinosaur Dracula put in his treasure basket! From Garfield to Ghostbusters 2, he ran into some serious finds!

Thank you for reading, the soundtrack to this post has been:
“Ooh Heaven is a Place on Earth” by Belinda Carlisle

Steel Panther’s Stix Zadinia, A Jersey Drummer!

Photobucket
Steel Panther are the Viagra addicted, horny hair metal sons of Spinal Tap. The band has been on a tear since 2003’s Hole Patrol, and 2009’s Feel The Steel. Just a  few weeks ago Steel Panther released their latest album BALLS OUT available through iTunes, Amazon or wherever you BUY music. Don’t illegally download this album because these m’fers need the money. Especially Stix cause he’s obviously been in therapy ever since missing out on the chance of drumming for Bon Jovi. Read all about the Jersey drummer in his bio pictured above that appeared in  Feel The Steel‘s CD booklet.

Jon Bon Jovi Does Not Work For Me

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gFlfuqcsF0?rel=0]
Surprisingly “Work For The Working Man” sucks only a little bit less than the rest of the tracks on Bon Jovi’s latest effort The Circle. The second I heard this blah medium paced rocker previous to it’s release in late 2009, it’s lyrics struck me as ironic coming from an obscenely wealthy music icon. I’m a working man and Jon Bon Jovi sure as hell doesn’t work for me, otherwise he’d still be recording songs that make me jump out of my chair and play air guitar in front of my mirror.
Jon Bon Jovi’s limp songwriting as of late is partly because in the past several years he’s been too concerned with being an entrepreneur and hosting political galas to be a real rock star. Why concentrate on writing kickass songs when there’s hobnobbing to do, hands to shake, pockets to fill, and horned up wives to flirt with? Rock stars always boast that there’s no better job in the world than to play their music in front of crowds on a nightly basis. Sure, being a successful musician or rock star is lucrative, and as you know, offers a lot of tremendous fringe benefits. So why is this guy singing about losing his pension and having to work 2 jobs just to get by?
Jon Bon Jovi’s net worth is estimated to be in the same range of the number of records his band has sold: 100 million. Listening to Jon sing lyrics that question “Who’s gonna work for the working man?” is ridiculous. Jon brazenly announces that he’s “here trying to make a living” in the first line of the song. It’s a warm and fuzzy sentiment, but really just a futile attempt at appealing to the hard working average middle class citizen – the very group of people responsible for igniting the band to fame in early ’80s New Jersey. Most of them aren’t rock stars, but some did take a crack at it after seeing him make it big. Where are they now? Probably looking to be interviewed by The Sexy Armpit.
Jon Bon Jovi may have grown up in middle class suburban Sayreville, New Jersey, but it wasn’t very long before Bon Jovi’s hit records started making them millions. Oh, the woes of having a family and trying to make ends meet on a one hundred million dollar budget! I know Jon, it must be a real challenge to get those utility bills paid at the end of the month when dealing with such a meager salary. I hear the Bon Jovi clan may even have to skip Christmas this year. You know, sometimes I have $9 dollars left in my account when I’m done paying bills? Look out, airing on E! Network soon, Jay’s True New Jersey Story
Talk about Captain Crash, more like Captain Obvious! Themes such as the economy, unemployment lines, and government involvement are as easily detectable in the song as the moments in concert when Jon’s about to twinkle his spirit fingers. You can see them coming from 7800 miles away. The song’s clunky title, awkward chorus, and political theme fail to unite with the run of the mill Jovi musical background. Which reminds me about an old story. Once upon a time…not so long ago, Bon Jovi sang a song about a working class couple. Although “Work” shares a similar chugging musical intro that recalls their signature song “Livin’ On A Prayer,” their hopes to evoke the same emotions as “Prayer” has for the last 25 years were squashed.
John F. Kennedy’s Inaugrual Address in 1961 included his famous call to action “…ask what you can do for your country.” Essentially, Jon lyrics stand behind Americans who work their asses off every day and are still getting screwed. Now it’s the governments turn to help the people out a little bit, and no matter your political beliefs, that’s not a bad idea that Jon has. The bigger issue here is why he and his guitar slinger Richie Sambora couldn’t turn these passionate sentiments into a huge walloping rock song with an indelible chorus that doesn’t merely ask a question, but instead commands results. Rock music needs to resist and challenge the status quo, but unfortunately Bon Jovi’s “Work” output is too sluggish to be taken seriously.

Slippery When Wet’s 25th Anniversary

PhotobucketMany readers of The Sexy Armpit who don’t know me in real life think I’m always bashing Bon Jovi…and I am. The thing is, I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan at the same time. You see, Bon Jovi is not the same band as they were when I was growing up. The cool rock stars from a few miles down the road who lived and breathed rock and roll are long gone. I guess sitting on billions of dollars sucked all the coolness and rock and roll out of them too. The guys hungry for stardom who worked with famed songwriter Desmond Child in Richie Sambora’s basement once upon a time creating what would become one of the most iconic rock albums of all time have taken a wrong turn on the road to rock.

I want none of this “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” crap or this “(You Want to) Make a Memory” bullshit. The modern Bon Jovi completely ignores the hard edged pop rock they once produced because they believe it isn’t lucrative anymore. Let’s be honest – I think Bon Jovi would become even more popular than they ever were if they released a really kickass hard rock song with a catchy chorus like they used to do back in the ’80s. People worship those songs. Do you really think people hanging out in bars 20 years from now are going to be sliding dollar bills into a space age jukebox to hear “When We Were Beautiful?” F-ck no. They want to hear the good stuff!

It’s simple, if you want to relive some of Bon Jovi’s greatest musical achievements then go into your iTunes and listen to their 1986 album Slippery When Wet in it’s entirety. It’s one of the greatest rock albums of all time and it’s sold 28 million copies worldwide. Even if you’re not a Bon Jovi fan, respect must be given to this album for it’s prominence in pop culture. Go to a wedding, a beach bar, a barbecue, or sporting event and chances are you will hear a song from Slippery When Wet. You know them whether you like to admit it or not, here we go: “Wanted Dead or Alive,” “You Give Love a Bad Name,” “Never Say Goodbye,” and of course the song that’s almost as popular with drunk women as Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” – “Livin’ On a Prayer.” Oh and I can’t forget one of my personal favorites, a song I share fondness for with Barf from Spaceballs, “Raise Your Hands.”

And now, easily one of Bon Jovi’s greatest tracks:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRvCvsRp5ho?rel=0]

Cracked.com’s New Jersey

cracked,new jersey

Cracked.com is a consistently amusing stop on my widespread Internet travels. A while back I noticed they featured a post about New Jersey which I found to be hysterical, for example this line: “A healthy Guido has a skin tone somewhere between “orange” and “magma.” And of course the above chart is superbly asinine. If anyone is wondering where The Sexy Armpit headquarters is, it’s somewhere in the red part – apparently where “The actual Mafia” exists! I can’t really elaborate on that right now though.

Guido jokes aside, I did have a few problems with the post. First, the writer claims to have lived in Jersey for 18 years, but Cracked failed to publish the author’s name on the article. Authors usually like to be cited for their work, in his/her case maybe they thought they’d get the cement shoes for writing jokes about Jersey? If I was the author I wouldn’t have remained anonymous. Jersey jokes are funny, plain and simple, so be proud if you have a few good ones. The article has the requisite mentions of guidos, Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Bon Jovi. It was all fun and games until they dissed My Chemical Romance at the end of the article. BOOO! The author should’ve wrapped it up after burying The Jonas Brothers.

New Jersey Day is TODAY!!!

Photobucket

Today is New Jersey Day. On this day 223 years ago, New Jersey officially became the 3rd state of the United States. A lot of people have been asking me, Jay, how does one celebrate New Jersey Day? Here’s a few things you can do…

1) Start your day off right, with a greasy sandwich: pork roll egg and cheese on a roll!

2) Fill up your gas tank! Breathe in the fumes and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to lift a finger to pump your gas.

3) Have for some good ‘ol fashioned road rage. Stick your middle finger up proudly. Throw your head out the car window and shout “F*ck You Motherf*cker!” Followed by a barrage of annoying HONKING. Be thankful for living in Jersey because we don’t get fined or ticketed for honking our horns like in New York City.

4) Get in front of a mirror and continue to practice your impression of Silvio Dante (Little Steven) from in The Sopranos.

5) Flick through the channels to see what’s on TV. Forget 57 channels and there’s nothing on…more like 857 channels and nothing on!

6) Marvel at the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has horned his way into the White House.

7) Go back into the Sexy Armpit archives and pick an old post that haven’t read. I will write you and I.O.U. Or, take a look at one of the many entries of NJ T-Shirt Tuesday and buy a tee to wear NEXT year on NJ Day!

8) Take a trip down to Atlantic City and gaze at tons and tons of people pissing their money away. Don’t believe the stories for a second that nobody is going to A.C. Where there’s a vice there’s people and New Jersey has an overabundance of both.

9) Go to the mall, our sales tax is a little bit cheaper, but our people are still a-holes. As you drive there you’ll have a lot of time to reflect on life because, chances are, on any one of our fabulous roads or highways you’ll probably be sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic.  Once in the parking lot, you will get into a fight for a spot. Then, inside the mall, people will walk into you because they don’t pay attention. Don’t even mention those annoying kiosk people. No, I don’t want you to slather your exotic facial cream culled from the dead sea onto my face in the middle of the mall. Get out of my face!

10) Pretend you’re DJ Pauly D and crank up your iPod! We have plenty of offerings for today. From Old Blue Eyes to Bon Jovi, and The Four Seasons to The Fugees and Springsteen to The Smithereens there’s an endless array of artists who have spawned from The Garden State.

Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 67

Photobucket

It struck me as odd to see a Bon Jovi Halloween T-shirt being advertised at their official web store. A band like KISS can never be questioned for having a Halloween shirt because their whole persona is built on their macabre costumes, especially Gene Simmons. You won’t go to a Halloween party this year without seeing at least one person or an entire group dressed as KISS. Yet, even if you see a group of guys dressed up as Bon Jovi, they will easily be mistaken for “any ’80s hairband,” unless they’re the minority who decide on the “early ’90s Bon Jovi, after they all cut their hair.”

Photobucket

All of this leads me to wonder about this bizarre Bon Jovi/Halloween correlation they are touting on this cool Jack-O-Lantern T-Shirt which goes for an astounding $29.99! While you’re scrounging up the cash to pay for it, take a look at the Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi:

5. Sure he’s a talented songwriter but David Bryan’s hair is insanely ludicrous. Listen buddy, it’s time to go to whatever store in France that Bret Michaels did. Shit, even Gene Simmons hair, which looks like licorice flavored cotton candy, is better than that preposterous crown of curls. Dear Dave: this isn’t 18th century Europe!

4. Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. Those are some humongous white chompers! His childhood dream of becoming the next Dr.Teeth and the Eletric Mayhem band is one step closer to realization, except for the good rocking music of course.

Photobucket

3. Jon Bon Jovi’s acting. If you ever need to kill any vampires, call Jon Bon Jovi: Freelance Vampire Slayer. He eradicates vampires with the power of his jazz hands.

2. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are Italians from Jersey. (Just in case you were wondering what happened to Alec John Such.)

1. What’s truly the scariest thing about Bon Jovi is that somehow people are buying their newer music. Every time I’m finished doing my business on the toilet, I look down at the water flushing into the black hole, and all I think of is “The Circle,” Bon Jovi’s latest atrocious album. If you happen to be rich and really cool and you decide to give out those ancient relics known as CD’s instead of candy for Halloween this year – don’t bother giving out any copies of Bon Jovi’s “The Circle.” Kids might throw it back at you.

Shark Frenzy and Sambora

Photobucket

Before he was well fed, getting a street named after him, and sitting on mountains of moolah, Richie Sambora was as hungry for rock stardom as Jaws was for some silly human flesh. You read it right, Woodbridge, New Jersey’s Richie Sambora or “Sambo” wasn’t always the superstar guitarist of Bon Jovi. Like most rockers destined for greatness, when Richie was through with local sports, he paid his dues playing in several bands. In addition to auditioning for KISS and Poison (who, at the time, was known as Paris), and playing guitar for Joe Cocker, Sambora was part of a band of Jersey guys called Shark Frenzy.

Shark Frenzy’s classic rock sound has been compared to ’70s rock bands like Aerosmith and Meatloaf, but I also hear similarities to several other bands such as Free, and Boston. Their music wasn’t officially released until over 20 years later, when founder of the band and grammy nominee, Bruce Foster, had the previously damaged tapes remastered and put out by Sanctuary Records. There was enough Shark Frenzy material for 2 full albums and the CD’s are available at many online shops (even Walmart!) and possibly the few record stores left. Both volumes are available on iTunes for $9.99 each.

On his official website, Bruce Foster reveals more about how he salvaged the music to finally get it released: “This album features Richie’s first time playing and singing in a recording studio. The master tapes of these priceless recordings were erased by the recording studio. I had the mixes on tape which went under 2 feet of salt water and river silt in the flood. Now, over 20 years later, through months of careful restoration, these recordings equal and in some cases exceed their original sonic spectrum.”

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 51: Bon Jovi Hard Rock Signature Series

hard rock,bon jovi,t-shirt,new jersey,atlantic city

It’s fitting that after Bruce Springsteen and The E-Street Band closed Giants Stadium, tomorrow night Bon Jovi will open up The New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. Throughout the shiny new facility I’m sure there will be vendors galore selling swag, thongs, cds, hats, bumper stickers, and whatever else they can slap a Bon Jovi logo on, especially T-Shirts.

Recently on a trip down to Atlantic City, I stopped into the Hard Rock Cafe because I read about the exclusive Bon Jovi t-shirt only available at Hard Rock Shops. It’s the 26th edition in a line of Signature tees that Hard Rock began in 1990. The girl behind the counter showed my girlfriend and I the shirt, but it wasn’t impressive.

Since the Have a Nice Day Tour, Bon Jovi shirts have been extremely lame. During the bands heyday their shirts were just as cool as other hairbands of the era. Now all you see on the front of their tees are crosses, flowers, smiley faces, hearts, and yes…GRAPES! This is not a joke, that is what makes up any Bon Jovi t-shirt you see for sale, unless it’s vintage from eBay. The band opted to veer away from skulls and gangsters in favor of more women and children friendly designs which are frankly, WEAK. All of the characteristics of a typical Bon Jovi shirt are here, mainly the one that screams “If you’re a dude you should NEVER be wearing this shirt!” To add that extra special something that your wardrobe of other Jovi shirts may not have, there’s a silkscreen of Jon’s autograph on the bottom right of the logo!

Out of the $26.00 dollars you’re asked to shell out for this tee, 15% of the profits will go to the Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation, which will help create “affordable housing to those in need.” The Soul Foundation concentrates on serving the greater Philadelphia area rather than New Jersey, the state that provided the title for the band’s 4th album. There are still plenty of run down, low income parts of New Jersey, but no that’s fine Jon, go help the people in Philadelphia, the city that you didn’t grow up in.

www.jonbonjovisoulfoundation.org

Other Bon Jovi T-Shirt Tuesday Installments:
NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 13
NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 48

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 48: Bon Jovi “They’re Back!”

bon jovi,t-shirt
Vintage Bon Jovi “New Jersey” T-Shirt from 1988

What a coincidence! This vintage Bon Jovi New Jersey T-shirt from 1988 is going for a whopping $150 bucks on eBay and an average ticket for Bon Jovi’s string of upcoming shows at the New Meadowlands Arena in May just so happens to be the same price! What a RIP! Of course, that’s not as bad as some of the other Jovi shirts I have seen on various sites which are going for upwards of $300 dollars! You are f-cking out of your mind if you pay that kind of money for a ratty, old t-shirt that’s more than 20 years old! I’d rather go experience an overpriced concert while simultaneously bypassing the $35 dollar beer/hot dog combo meal than buy a ridiculously priced, USED t-shirt.

Photobucket

On the front of this shirt the band continues the Italian “mobster” stereotype that’s associated with New Jersey. Although, the guy on this shirt looks a lot like Lips Manlis from Dick Tracy.
bon jovi,t-shirt

And what’s with the back of this shirt? Who the hell did Jovi think they were back then, DOKKEN? This “They’re Back!” business belongs on the back of an Alice Cooper or W.A.S.P t-shirt, NOT family friendly heartthrobs Bon Jovi! I’m getting scared just reading the back of this shirt, it’s scarier than David Bryan’s horrific hair.