January 2011 - Sludge Central

Scarfin’ It With The Armpit 3: “Authentic” Jersey Cuisine

Posted on January 29, 2011 by sexyarmpit

Eating in a Thai restaurant with nondescript decor and being served by a teen aged white kid with those huge black circular gauged earrings stretching his earlobes doesn’t make for an authentic Thai experience. Even restaurants in the world showcase in Epcot center employee waiters and chefs from the countries that they recreate. But what makes food authentic? Is it the way the food is prepared, where you eat it, who it’s served by, or all of the above?

Today I’m going to give you directions on how to make authentic Jersey grub. First, grow a five o’clock shadow, grab a cigarette, gain about 30 lbs and begin sweating. As the stereotypes dictate, this is a cook at a Jersey diner. If the stereotypes continue, he only knows how to cook up a pork roll egg and cheese sandwich, or anything greasy that has peppers and onions slathered on top. Despite what many “foodies” (I’m sorry to all my foodie friends but I hate that term) will lead you to believe, Jersey doesn’t really have it’s own cuisine since we are lucky to have a huge mish mosh of everything there is to offer. Sure we have about a half a million diners in our state, but the majority of our signature meals are very basic and nothing to describe as “mouthwatering” or “savory.” That’s not to say that meals at our restaurants can’t be described that way, it’s just that many of them don’t actually serve the type of “Jersey Grub” that THE JERSEY GRUB TRUCK offers.

Started by a Jersey guy who moved to the west coast, The Jersey Grub Truck can be seen all around Los Angeles. We are known for our blueberries and cranberries, but the Jersey Grub Truck serves mostly fat sandwiches. For instance, an L.A Weekly post highlighted that one of the menu items is The Fat Jerz Sandwich, which is hamburger, egg, pork roll, and BBQ sauce. Is it the pork roll that makes it Jersey? Can you incorporate salt water taffy or pork roll into any meal to give it that Jersey zest? Wow, that’s a stretch. The Sexy Armpit has already glossed over New Brunswick’s fat sandwiches featured on Man vs. Food, and that is essentially what the Jersey Grub Truck serves. The Jersey Grub Truck stole the idea of The Grease Trucks and brought it to Hollywood. If there’s one thing that Jersey is NOT, it’s Hollywood, and if you have not left Jersey that is precisely the reason why. Not only are we on opposite sides of the country, but we lead extremely different lifestyles. Regardless of our differences, I’m glad there’s a little more of Jersey being spread around L.A!

To get “real” Jersey grub, you don’t need to sing “Born To Run,” while cooking or stop at a catering truck. For tips on the best Jersey cuisine check out Jersey Bites and also read Pete Genovese’s book, Food Lovers Guide to New Jersey. But the best way to find authentic Jersey cuisine is to discover it for yourself. Your best bet is heading down to that family owned neighborhood dive, it will surprise you.

You can friend The Jersey Grub Truck on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter.

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Lock Up Your Daughters, Fairfield Is Here!

Posted on January 27, 2011 by sexyarmpit

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL5J91OkZWU?rel=0]
When a band’s lead singer looks like Zac Efron with more testosterone, it’s only a matter of time before your daughter and/or wife falls in love them. And while having a lead singer who looks like an alum from High School Musical isn’t necessarily the key to success in the music world, not looking like McLovin does help enormously. Last weekend at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ, The Sexy Armpit checked out Jersey Shows Battle of the Bands finals. I made it there just in time to catch Jersey pop-rockers Fairfield take the stage.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2Z2ZngYCxM?rel=0]
The band started out with a short cover of “Lose Yourself,” which was cool even though I’m not an Eminem fan. After introducing themselves, Fairfield launched into a fun, fast paced set of tunes, some of which sound like they are step away from being heard on a preview for the next tween blockbuster or an MTV show. Singer Anthony Tortorello’s undeniable charisma on stage made it seem like he’s been wooing audiences his entire life. It was as if we were in a video game and little red 8-bit hearts of all the girls in the crowd simultaneously floated out of their chests and over to Anthony. For an up and coming band, a solid lead singer is only half the battle. Without the band backing him up, Anthony would need to incorporate some magic tricks or some really lewd jokes into the set.

Fairfield isn’t just about their frontman. This new alternative pop rock band comprises a bunch of best friends who hail from central New Jersey. On their Myspace page they cite Armor For Sleep, Taking Back Sunday, Cartel, and Paramore as their influences. On guitar there’s Francisco Ortiz Gomez and Kyle Gordon, Kevin Yanes on Bass, and Mickey Ladines on drums. I had the chance to meet Kevin and Francisco after the show and they were equally as enthusiastic to meet The Sexy Armpit. Their EP is available at their merch table after the show. Until then you can listen to their tunes at Myspace or LIKE them on Facebook!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.51: The Other Guys

Posted on January 19, 2011 by sexyarmpit

While gathering evidence to crack a case, NYPD cops Terry and Allen (Wahlberg and Ferrell) must cross the river over to New Jersey to pay a visit to the Gretchel and Dawson accounting firm in Fair Lawn, NJ. This scene in 2010’s The Other Guys was actually not filmed in Jersey but Wahlberg’s character did reference Jersey:

TERRY: “It looks like we’re going to Jersey to visit an accounting firm, that’s a shitty day.”

Just because you’re reading a guy’s blog about Jersey nonsense doesn’t automatically mean he has a hard on for Kevin Smith movies. OK, it does mean exactly that, but so what? You can mouse on over to the back arrow on your browser and take a lightning fast trip (depending on your ISP of course) back to wherever you came from if you don’t like it. And NO, this post isn’t about Brody Bruce, Silent Bob, Randal, Trish the Dish, Holden McNeil or any of Smith’s host of signature characters. It’s about a cop film that Kevin Smith was supposed to direct if the studio’s original plan came to fruition. Needless to say, it didn’t, and Smith went on to direct a very similar, non-Kevin Smith film called Cop Out, which I found to be way more entertaining than it’s sub-par doppelganger, The Other Guys.

Adam Mckay directed The Other Guys with a mega budget while Smith directed Cop Out on an insanely meager budget in comparison. Merely teaming cinema favorites Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg together did not guarantee success considering the big ongoing joke of the movie is a reference to the female R and B group TLC. That was the best material writers Adam McKay and Chris Henchy could come up with? Do Hollywood writers just get together and type up whatever they were making jokes about the night before while getting stoned? “…Heyyyy…duuuude…you remember TLC?” “Yeeeahhhh maaan they were some hot ladies.”

In Cop Out, a film that beat The Other Guys to theaters, Bruce Willis’ finesse and Tracy Morgan’s intrinsic comedic timing win this battle by a landslide. In The Other Guys, Wahlberg’s character Terry was kind of odd and by no means should he be doing comedy unless he’s reprimanding Andy Samberg on SNL for doing impressions of him. As always, Ferrell is funny during his random outbursts back into “The Gator,” a nickname from his days as a pimp.

In Hollywood’s continued pursuit of being completely unoriginal, they decided to rehash ’80s cop movies like Lethal Weapon and 48 Hours. Even with terrible material to work with Ferrell was amusing as a geeky cop who also designs phone apps in his spare time yet scores ridiculously hot chicks. The odd couple relationship between Terry and Allen is more often annoyingly realistic than funny. I must admit that there are some people who make me want to smash my computer into the ground like Terry did, but the effect came off the same as the relief of a squishy stress ball rather than providing over the top laughter.

The Other Guys’ NYPD Captain Gene Mauch is also a part time manager at Bed Bath and Beyond. Fortunately for us, he is played by Michael Keaton. I was glad to see Keaton doing comedy once again, since that’s where he thrives. And yes, I got it, he’s totally unaware of the existence of the group TLC.

Even though it feels as if it just rolled off the assembly line, The Other Guys is worth a rental because it does have a few strong points. Two creatively directed scenes look as if they are straight out of a music video. The first is a still life scene where Terry and Allen are in a bar getting shitfaced and everyone in the bar looks like they are made of mannequins or wax statues. The other is an action scene toward the end where Terry and Allen barge in on a meeting and it turns into a shootout. You might also appreciate that it’s a very New York movie. Look for several breathtaking shots of the Manhattan skyline.

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 71: Jug…handles

Posted on January 19, 2011 by sexyarmpit

NJ Nice Jughandles T-Shirt available at Great To Be Here.com

Just when you thought there was way too many, they decide to create more: Jughandles! They are the opposite of breasts, a natural resource that we can never have enough of. The world can always use more boobies, but when it comes to jughandles, New Jersey has way too many. It’s almost as if the highway designers just want to f*ck with us. It feels as if there’s another jughandle every 50 feet. You know what? I speak to many people who don’t even know what a jughandle is! Read Wikipedia’s entry on them here if you have no idea what they are. Usually people unfamiliar with jughandles are from out of state, and they aren’t completely bombarded by convoluted u-turns and asinine roadways. Today’s tee comes from Great To Be Here, an online store specializing in funny t-shirts for people who are “Passionate about Places.”

Bathroom Reader Flushes Out the Facts

Posted on January 17, 2011 by sexyarmpit

As far as trips to the bathroom go, if you are the in and out type you probably don’t have time to do any extensive reading while on the can. And if that’s the case, you are definitely not aware of the cutthroat business of publishing Bathroom Readers. A bathroom reader is a book which is often made up of random facts and information that provides a temporary diversion to help you relax while you’re on the john. There’s many to choose from, but one of my great Christmas gifts this year was a bathroom reader printed in New Jersey: The Bathroom Trivia Digest: Fascinating Facts for People on the Go by Russ Edwards and Jack Kriesmer. If you’re unloading for less than a few minutes, let’s face it, that’s probably not enough time to memorize the periodic table of elements or the Magna Carta, but just like that little penny holder at the checkout counter, you can take a few nuggets while you leave a few nuggets.

While there may be plenty of other things one can do to help evacuate his or her bowels, such as push, moan, groan, meditate, or pray for a miracle, a bathroom reader is most effective for the type of person who would be easily amused by reading that “Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.” That info may not seem too pertinent to you, but I’m sure it weighs heavily on the minds of people from Kentucky. And, in case you are ever take a DeLorean back to old timey days, “In New York it is illegal to shoot at a rabbit from a moving trolley car,” I hear the fines for that one are astronomical! While all these tidbits are titillating, no book printed in Saddle River, NJ and intended to be read while dumping is worth a damn unless it has at least a few mentions of our own beloved dump, The Garden State.

My Green Hornet Toys from Carl’s Jr.!

Posted on January 12, 2011 by sexyarmpit

Green Hornet toys at a burger joint? What? Was I reading that correctly? I first heard the news of The Green Hornet toys at Carl’s Jr. via their Twitter account. I immediately tweeted back to them that there are no Carl’s Jr. restaurants in my vicinity for thousands of miles, (which isn’t an exaggeration) but I desperately wanted to get my hands on these toys. I’ve been a Green Hornet fan since my father introduced me to the classic radio shows on his old Philco radio when I was a kid, then by the time I saw the Batman TV series, I was already familiar with the character. Even though there have been a few toys associated with The Green Hornet, there’s just something memorable about collecting movie/fast food tie in toys.

Carl’s Jr. Green Hornet and Kato Action Figures

The Carl’s Jr. Twitter account told me to follow them and they would try to work something out. I waited a few days and heard nothing back, so I immediately wrote them off as a second rate fast food craphole that for some asinine reason only exists out west. Sorry if you swear by their food, but it must be the same type of feeling if you live in state that doesn’t have a White Castle…you poor thing! I feel for you because that truly sucks.

About to spring into action wearing Carl’s Jrs.’ Green Hornet Toy Mask

Scouring ebay for these toys at a ridiculous price would probably be my destiny, although I did have an alternate plan up my sleeve. I started to think of people I knew in states that had Carl’s Jr. restaurants to see if maybe they could hook a brother up. Meanwhile, my stealthy girlfriend, who can’t tell the difference between The Green Hornet and The Green Lantern, had a little covert operation of her own going on. She asked her cousin out in California to get me the toys and send them to Jersey. What a girl! So f*ck Carl’s Jr. for not getting back to me and not having a location in Jersey! BOO to them. And thank you to Miss Sexy Armpit and her cousin for confidentially procuring the Green Hornet toys for me!

Click HERE to read more of The Sexy Armpit’s Green Hornet related posts

The Creepy Karate Kid Coincidence

Posted on January 6, 2011 by sexyarmpit

“Yeah, but 3 was awesome because it had the twist that Daniel was getting trained by Terry Silver in the Cobra Kai dojo,” said my friend Frank as he defended 1989’s 3rd installment of The Karate Kid saga. Yes, the actual Karate Kid, with Ralph Macchio, not Will Smith’s son and especially not Hilary Swank. “OK, but 2 had the typhoon which was intense,” boasted Dave who was more passionate about watching Danielsan’s trip to Okinawa than his adventurous attempts at uprooting an innocent bonsai tree. “In 3 I like how they tied in the detail that John Kreese was in the war, it worked nicely.” Meanwhile my mind was regurgitating all the awful, scarring memories of when Elisabeth Shue abandoned me. After all, I was one of her loyal prepubescent admirers and then as if she learned some secret ninja shit, she vanished and was nowhere to be found in the sequels.

As usual, I was the one who incited this debate. So, over a few beers, I decided to gauge some of my best friends’ opinions on the Karate Kid films. I was even nice enough to preface my upcoming topic to my cohorts with a very brief overview of how Empire Strikes Back is largely regarded amongst Star Wars fans and movie goers as the best of the Star Wars films. The same usually goes for The Godfather Part 2 and several other movies as well, it’s just that no one ever paid either of the Karate Kid sequels the respect they deserve by officially burying one of them.

“Since the original Karate Kid is the far superior film in the saga, which of sequels is the best?” I asked them. On this particular night I was in a very “3” mood and was basically in agreement with Frank if it weren’t for the fact that the venerable William Zabka did not appear in it. Other times, such as right after I saw Karate Kid Part 2 in the summer of 1986, (at the now defunct and dilapidated Amboy Multiplex Cinema in Sayreville) I was riding it’s excitement and naturally a huge proponent of The Karate Kid Part 2. But as Batman said in another less lauded film sequel, Batman Returns, “…Things change.”

As we continued to mull over the high and lows of the saga, we examined each film’s minute details which were otherwise ignored, traded barbs, and also inadvertently made jokes to the point where I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. That’s when something happened that halted The All Valley Giggle Fest 2011.

…DING!

At that very second, a loud bell broke the laughter. It was my iPhone notifying me of a new text message. I leaned over to the coffee table and I was momentarily stunned after I read it’s eerily timed message. I showed my friends, and as we stood there dumbfounded with our mouths hanging open, we all simultaneously turned into “Ted” Theodore Logan and gave a collective “WHOA!”

It’s not unlike Sexy Armpit writer Nick “N.J” Holden to text me famous movie quotes at random times, but this one made me feel like he should be Pete Venkman’s next guest on World of The Psychic! I wasn’t sure if it was just a one off movie line or whoever was possessing Nick wanted to continue going back and forth. For a few seconds I felt that if we came back with the wrong line some death machine like in a SAW movie would come out and torture us. Nah, it was just Nick…or was it? Is his cell phone equipped with GPS and ESP? We continued sending back the follow up lines as if we were defending our honor in a karate tournament.

Month: January 2011