Every day in Hoboken is a big drunkfest, so I bet Hoboken will transform into one big geyser of puke on St. Patrick’s Day. It was that exact reason why I did not attend The St. Patrick’s Parade in Hoboken on March 6th. There’s too many people acting like idiots and I have a feeling I would have wound up getting angry and turning green like The Incredible Hulk. Where do you think we are, Cancun? Join me as I suck the life out of St.Patrick’s Day.
The St. Patty’s day parade in Hoboken and St.Patrick’s Day in general is another excuse to drink heavily and wear my least favorite color. I don’t care if I sound like a party pooper, but the holiday never appealed to me. When I was a kid I was fond of the Main Street Electrical Parade in Disneyland, but, for the most part, I’m not really a fan of parades unless they involve The Joker and free money. Maybe if Lucky the Leprechaun personally knocked on my door with a few of his green string bikini clad leperhoe’s bearing gifts such as a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms awaiting me in an 18 wheeler outside then perhaps I would have more of an affinity towards the 17th of March. By the way, did I mention that a 16 oz. Shamrock Shake at McDonald’s contains 550 calories and 50 milligrams of cholesterol? When they concoct a healthier version maybe I’ll get excited for the perennial frozen treat.
It seems that the St. Patty’s parade in Hoboken is held just so the city can collect money. It’s another occasion for buzzkillers, err, I mean cops to hand out tons of tickets. An NJ.com article, 555 ticketed in Hoboken, 25 arrested St.Pat’s Day, was published a week after the parade took place and details the huge monetary loss from hosting the event. According to the story written by Mark G.Maurer, the cost of the parade “exceeded $125,000.”
Sure, public safety is paramount, but recouping at least a percentage of the wads of cash was also high on the city’s priority list. The entire police force was on duty as they awarded 476 summonses, some for open containers, jaywalking, disorderly house parties, and 41 of the instances were for public urination! Why do I even want to go to a parade where the streets are filled with walking disasters who are puking and pissing all over the streets? No wonder New Jersey gets made fun of all the time.
Are you in the mood to hear unbelievable story? I thought so. Who cares if it’s 8 in the morning, or 8 at night even?
OK, OK…so let me tell about this kid I knew. One time he got so excited and jerked off on some old fat lady who wore a red and white striped shirt, you remember her…the one who was actually a man with a dark, rough beard…but her smooth legs were amazing! After she…uhh..I mean he….or no…I was right the first time – she was naked, drunk and wearing nothing but the grease and bones from the HOT wings she got from Cluck-U. Then I ran down the steps to see her and we sped off for our date at the otologist. We laughed and laughed because they told us “we’re both so deaf.” She/he replied to the doctor: “you really think I’m mos def?” I laughed at her to make her/it feel better and told her “that’s what I thought the doctor said too honey.”
As soon as we got back I went to get a drink of drink and then I found her in my den talking to my father who was reading the want ads looking for some more antelopes. He wasn’t paying much attention. He doesn’t really pay well as a matter of fact, that’s why I didn’t take the job. Except that tree’s very similar to Glimmer from She-Ra. “Those are really big boobs” my father said. She…HE….said “You really like them” in a grotesquely husky damp voice as he/she was checking the firmness of his/her’s ridiculously round for a fat person breast implants. Plus they were hairy like flagella. He said “No, I was watching the TV,” blunt…monotone, my dad wasn’t the best at small talk. Her/his eyes rolled up to the ceiling why he/she began to twirl a curl of its newly permed hair. Bwallfff. That’s my throw up sound. Bwallffff. Haha. She went to sit down on the couch next to him and with the fireplace projecting little solid gold dancers all over his/her fair pimply skin I almost envisioned us prancing through the forest naked together but then as I had one of those epiphany type moments, you know the ones, like when you realize you figured the mystery of life out and it’s totally about how many licks does it take to bite into the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie pop.
So as I gazed at her cold, white, slimy bumpy, arm I noticed her Warhammer baby tee. I couldn’t help myself to keep looking as my head slowly followed her preposterous appearance downward. As I completed looking at the entire shirt and then I realized she/he was wearing no pants or it took them off at some point at which I couldn’t possibly have been paying attention since Mary Hart was going to commercials on Entertainment Tonight and I got distracted by the preview for this week’s brand new episode of Dallas. Pour the Tomato sauce onto the spaghetti or I’ll hit you… with a rendition of “Youth Gone Wild” by Skid Row. Fuck yeah.
The enormous white mound came over to congratulate his lover after he won the Sweepstakes Olympics. It’s a breathtaking moment when Ed McMahon presents you with the Gold medal for that event. Tupperware opens and inside the people begin to climb out. First it was Brooke Langton, then I really couldn’t believe this one…it was Vincent Shiavelli. It wouldn’t surprise me if the steak was made out of shitmeat, because that’s what it tasted like. The day they invented lasers became the same day millions of regular guns all gathered together for a mass suicide. How can they shoot themselves? Big ups to Al Harrington. How many pull ups can you do?
If there’s ever a time I spontaneously combust inside a bubble that was made by a chicklit please let it be the same day I vomit inside of the gum’s bubble that way the person chewing it will actually be chewing bubble gum that I vomited in. fuck yeah, titty bitch. Chick lit. Chick lit is the horrendousest.
Whoo hoo, you know the song from Blur. Yoo hoo, flavor nicey smooth, Choo Choo come on ride that train and ride it. Marshmallows and Mallory that’s all there is. Tom Kazanski was only popular because he was a big dork who bleached his hair and only became cool and confident when he decided to get into flying. He was really nothing before that. He only had a few Sega Genesis games and the one he used to play all the time was Echo the Dolphin. ? He had no direction, or self identity and he was pretty lame with the women. I remember one time he gave this girl a flower he picked up as they were walking down the sidewalk a few feet in front of me. He picked up this flimsy weak yellow flower that might as well have been a limp penis and then he pressed it to his lips and gave it a kiss before he gave it to her. What a freaking homosexual. C’mon there’s no sense in dishonoring the entire population of males on the entire planet just to try and get into one girls pants who was mediocre at best.
Going ape shit on a really enormous bed is awesome. It’s not awesome when you have to leave. Not to mention the 18 bucks I got back from income tax. If it comes up, it comes up. I know! I don’t want her saying anything to me because she’s always stolen all of my girlfriends so it serves her right! Who cares for lips that have implants? Hampton hurled hippos over the house of horny hogs he then yelled heave ho as he hobbled away hurriedly listening to Halford. What the fuck? I told her…no. I said “I’m just a little boy!”….no I mean the kid I used to know said that to him…uhh…I mean her. Don’t try to figure this out because Drago says… “you will lose.”
Nod if you’ve ever experienced Malt-Mouth which is the burning sensation you get inside your mouth after sucking on balls…not just any balls though…Malted Milk Balls. It’s a rare occasion that I actually partake in any malted milk balls, but when I do it’s usually the most popular brand, Whoppers.
If you’re going for it you may as well enjoy the best in it’s class. Think about it, what other malted milk ball comes in a carton? Anything that isn’t milk that comes in a milk carton must be awesome. A candy needs to have a very positive self image and cannot be self conscious in any way in order to display itself on store shelves in a carton. People won’t know what the hell it is. Is it a liquid candy? No silly it’s a carton full of brown balls that you can suck on!
The candy world has been on a rampage lately with debuting new varieties of classic candies. I always think this is a mistake because the new varieties are never as good. Let’s face it peanut butter M&M’s are pretty bad and why do we need them when we can have the original Reese’s pieces? They were good enough for E.T, right?
Whopper Strawberry Milkshake balls came out a few months back. Unfortunately these are light pink and sickeningly sweet. The flavor is pretty accurate but not only did I find that they had an aftertaste, but there were also too many “dud” balls. I’m not talking milk duds here…I’m talking about those bastard balls that weren’t fully processed and taste like burnt corn syrup. If you attempt to bite into these hard, lame balls you’ll see how gross they look. The original Whoppers beat this strawberry variety any day.
Coming up a close second are these new Reese’s Peanut Butter Whoppers. The package enticed me while I was at the checkout counter. I’m so easily sold. The peanut butter variety has the same type of gimmick as the strawberry, only with a flavor more conducive to a malt ball. To make a candy that has been notoriously paired with chocolate forever into strawberry milkshake was a mistake. I was more impressed with the peanut butter but the original remains the best of the bunch. The peanut butter version has a creamy and accurate peanut butter flavor, but like the strawberry version, it’s hard to eat a lot of them because they can easily make you want to vomit.
It’s been one month since I posed “the question” to readers of this blog: “Should I change the name of the site?” Over 75% of those who voted said that I shouldn’t change the name of the site. I greatly appreciate all of you who voted. An enormous thank you to the people that come to this site on a frequent basis to see what kind of machinations are going on. You guys rock!
Before this post, I was toying with the idea of squashing The Sexy Armpit altogether and starting fresh, but it’s kind of like if I had a mole on my forehead that I wanted to get removed, then I finally get it removed and it winds up growing back. That’s how The Sexy Armpit is to me. I can’t get away from it. I’ve been at this website thing for years. In some form or another I’ve been trying to get it right for about 7 years now! Instead of horribly designed sites, some of which are still actually viewable on the wayback machine, I am finally proud of what blogging did for my urge to create something on the internet. I don’t care if “credible” blog folks dislike Blogger, it’s definitely the content that’s important.
While I have no idea how to manipulate HTML, I do know how to create an entertaining post and that’s what I’ll continue to do! For now, it would be awesome if you took part in my new poll on the right side of the site. Now for what people really want to know: Do you think it’s gay for guys to own stuffed animals or plush toys?