PURPLE STUFF PODCAST EP.37: SNOW DAYS!

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Let us help you banish the winter blues away with a NEW episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast!

In the latest installment, Matt and I get a snow day. As kids, snow days would entail getting bundled up, playing in the snow, throwing snowballs, making snow angels, building forts and coming in freezing with wet socks. Then after all that nonsense, it was time for hot chocolate and movies or cartoons. Those were the best kinds of days. Then you’d spend the rest of the night with your fingers crossed that a call would come in that you didn’t have school the next day. Hearing that news was the ultimate victory because that meant you could stay up late and plan an unexpectedly awesome evening for yourself. The world was your oyster.

Adult snow days aren’t as fun. Shoveling, risking car accidents, and having to work from home are just some of the pitfalls of an adult snow day. But it doesn’t have to go down like that!

Join us for the Purple Stuff Episode 37 where we recall our snowy memories. It’s a wintry mix incorporating anecdotes, songs, and toys. Hope you enjoy it and if you feel like leaving some comments about your own snowy memories or favorite wintry things that would be awesome.

Thanks for reading and listening!

 

If Things Never Got Cold

The summer is approaching and the weather is heating up. Man, I can’t describe how much I take my central air for granted as I sit in an 83 degree condo. We already know what happens when it gets hot since we’ve heard it in a ton of songs. Gonna Make You Sweat, Hot in Herre, Hotter Than Hell, Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot. Even the poor misunderstood Paris said “That’s hot.” But what happens if things didn’t ever get cold? Those iconic songs and quotes will seem like a Nostradamus prophecy.

For Van Winkle’s sake we wouldn’t have Ice Ice Baby
And the nipples wouldn’t get hard on your lady
There would be no cubes to drop in her drink
After you slip those roofies to get to into her pink
How would hockey players skate in the rink?
Want to go see the rollerblade capades? It’s fun, I swear!
Kids wouldn’t get to savor snow days, it wouldn’t be fair!
Freeky Freezies would be well…um…just plain freaky
But I’d still have the hots for Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jack Torrance wouldn’t have been frozen in the maze
Too Cold, Too Cold…it’s the phrase that pays
and that badass will lose his ice cold gaze
Say hello to your new chief of staff Johnny Blaze
It’s a cream truck now since it lost it’s “Ice”
it’s the worst occurrence since Bo B… (oops! no “ice”)
You’ll never have to break the ice or pretend to be nice
You wouldn’t be “iced out” so there’d be no name for jewelry in hip hop
although shorts would still be acceptable on that hot cop
Think about it…Icee’s would turn into Meltees
and you’d have no use for cold eeze.
IMDB wouldn’t acknowledge Arnold’s turn as Mr. Freeze
Unfortunately not much would change with Ree-Yees
What would I do in suburbia without iced tea?
Could we still play We Ski for the Wii?
No icebergs, so the Titanic wouldn’t sink
it’s a scorcher out there, so have yourself a warm drink
Fughetabout Fla-vor-ice you freaks
And NO ICE in 9 1/2 weeks 🙁
Hey look what’s not freezing…the stream of piss as you’re taking a leak. Goodbye to that Hoth planet. Take more clothes off! Dammit Janet! Freeze tag reverts back to the plain old tag, and you’ll never need de-icer on the windshield of your brand new jag. David Blaine ain’t living in a block of ice in New York, and the Yeti has gone into hiding and feels like a total dork. Your pillow is never cold when you lay down your head and the toilet seat is never cold when you sit your ass on the head. To think i can’t even call Lacie Heart HOT anymore but at least we’ll still have our memories of the cold war. Cool ice sculptures would become no more than a spill on the floor.

In the middle of the 3rd period there was a big hit on center puddle and on the football field you won’t see the players breath in the huddle. If you’re desperately wishing for a blizzard, you’ll have to go see the wizard. He’ll also give you a melting klondike bar, figure out what you want to do with it. Maybe you’ll eat it with Iceman Tom Kazansky, you know he can chomp down on that shit. From Chily Willy to Frosty the Snowman and Cookie Puss to Fudgie the Whale it’s all over for them, hammer their coffin with a nail. Icy Hot is still in business no surprise. What the heck are Eskimo pies? Freezing over? What’s with all those lies?
Tourism to Hell is on the rise. Global Warming can suck my d–k, how about 2 nice big snow balls to lick?

We’d experience hot season never “cold season.” Your assets would never get frozen. You’re girl would never complain that it was too cold to take her clothes off. Not only during the holidays would our hearts be warm. Paula Abdul would be missing a hit “Cold Hearted Snake.” And kids wouldn’t fall through a half frozen lake. Never again would a Wendy’s frosty touch your lips, or a 7-11 Slurpee tingle your tongue.

The cliché a cold day in hell would become obsolete. The cryogenic chamber scene in Austin Powers would be edited out of the film. Erased from existence…much like Marty might have been. “What is it hot?“ no cold…damn cold. Not anymore. Leftovers such as Meatloaf would spoil, even if it’s in a deep freeze and riding a motorcycle. You’d now have more of a reason to cover up the fact that Snow Job was your favorite G.I Joe character. Al Snow..well…you can call him “Al”…you must. Skiing and snowboarding would be pretty asinine. The popular pastime of Snowballing…well that would still happen since temperature isn’t really involved. But I would imagine it’s fairly warm.

Tone Loc still can’t remember how her made his medina cold. Wanna kill someone? Damn sure it won’t be in cold blood. Everyone would want to perform in front of large crowds cause they’ll never get cold feet. The band Hot Hot Heat record an updated version of the national anthem. The people of Alaska and and the Arctic polar bears would have year long yub-yub type celebrations. This just in: Steve Austin brings back “Stunning” moniker. Bruce Springsteen will get hit with a 10th avenue melt out. Oh, and about that new horror film that came out this week…if it was a few years ago…critics would’ve hailed it as “Chilling.” You’d always be able to find shit that people have hidden on you. Guess where your birthday gift is? You’re warm…you’re geting hot…you’re burning up…you’re on frickin’ fire! Wow, this is easy! Maybe sitting in this 83 degree condo isn’t so bad after all.

Hey, which lips are we talking about here?

It’s a brand new year and that means more chances for me to rip on new bands that think they are hot shit. Now I know how everyone, especially girls, love Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel.” I really am not against the song but I do have one gripe with the video.

In it, the lead singer of the band looks like he just got finished doing business in the bedroom with his present girlfriend, who is decently hot by the way. He then makes his way into another room and daydreams of Emmanuelle Chriqui. There’s nothing wrong with that because any hot blooded male would do the same because she’s cute. He talks to his fantasy Chriqui woman on the phone and tells her that she has lips of an angel. They frolic on the beach and they kiss and do all the stuff people do when they are smitten with each other. What I find ridiculous is the fact that his present girlfriend, the one he left as she was moisturizing her legs in bed, is not someone who I would consider deserting even for an Emmanuelle Chriqui type girl. When you have a good thing already, why be greedy? They didn’t really go into any history of their relationship so I’m left wondering why he would ditch this girl. Was she a bitch? Did she have six toes on one foot? Maybe she had a husky voice that left him feeling less than manly. Who knows maybe her lips really weren’t angelic enough for him.

My point is that they should’ve at least got some girl who was morbidly obese and really horribly ugly to play the girl that he’s ignoring and then the video would make more sense. The following scenario is completely probable and way more believable: Let’s take some monogoloid guy who wore Iron Maiden shirts to high school; for all intents and purposes we’ll call him Austin Winkler. When he was young he dreampt of becoming lead singer of a rock band. Austin kept at it and eventually wound up actually living his dream and becoming famous. The one problem with this picture is that he’s still with his morbidly obese, hideously ugly girlfriend who he was with before he got famous. Autin Winkler is now faced with the challenge of breaking up with his high school sweetheart. This is the girl (we’ll call her “Morbidly Obese, and Hideously Ugly Smith”) who stuck by him because she knew he would become famous, and he stuck by her because no one else would even bang him with a fleshlight faux vagina.

In this situation he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place and he finds himself fantasizing about his old crush from Snow Day. There’s the new plotline for the video. When you see this pompous rich rock star being greedy and leaving this hot blonde who loves moisturizing her legs just to go with an equally hot girl from Snow Day, you kind of wonder why. Maybe he’s just bored with his girl. But then he’s gonna want her back after he realizes that Emmanuelle Chriqui has herpes. It’s obvious the lead singer Austin Winkler is kind of a rock n’ roll ogre and he has a hard on for that girl he saw in Snow Day back when he was younger. His management landed Chiriqui and now he gets to make out with her on the beach in his video. Next thing you know there’s a porno out of their romp at a hotel called “P—y Lips of an Angel” But that’s neither here nor there.