New York and New Jersey definitely have separate personalities but they’re still joined at the hip. We can compare these two states to say…hmm…a really bad Farrelly Brothers movie called Stuck on You? A news story I read on Google explained that Republicans are apprehensive about setting up shop in the very state they claimed they would win: New York! You’re reading this right, John McCain has set up a campaign headquarters in my hometown of Woodbridge, New Jersey. So what’s this, when you wimp out attempting to conquer NY you always have New Jersey to fall back on? Whoa…no way…as the Dude, this aggression will not stand, man! Perhaps Republicans think it’s more pleasant and inviting here? Maybe they haven’t breathed in the fumes or gazed over the bay at the lovely fuel refineries and beautiful landfills we offer? They should think again since I’m sure they haven’t seen me on the road wreaking havoc yet. But since the Republicans wimped out of staking claim in an office in what is only the greatest city in the world, they “settled” on us in NJ. Let’s face the music here folks, NJ never had a cool tag line like “I Love New York.” They don’t love us, we have and always been getting New York’s sloppy seconds!
I’m not at peace with this. The only person who’s going to publicly desecrate this state is ME, not Johnny Boy McCain! Big deal that everyone calls N.J the ARMPIT of the universe, that doesn’t mean I want even higher level underhanded politicians desecrating our already corrupt and debauched state! Give us a break! Don’t you think we had enough with the McGreevy scandal? The guy used to work out at the same gym as me and I had no clue he was gay, I swear! He did kind of walk funny when he was on the treadmill though, perhaps that should’ve tipped me off. If I wasn’t so bent on bulking up for our backyard wrestling events back then, I may have realized it.
The McCain campaign is basically reaping the fine benefits of this town and it’s proximity to New York without giving anything back. The least McCain could do is lower our cable bills for a month or two, make highway tolls free for a week, buy us some free porn, drop our car insurance rates for a couple of months, or take us out for a few anticipatory celebratory drinks. The latter sounds more preposterous but it would be more cost effective for his campaign. So there you go McCain, if you’re shacking up in Woodbridge then you may as well take us over to the local Gin Mill and buy us a freakin’ round! Word has it that there’s Amstel Light specials Thursday nights. hint, hint you cheap bastard! Why don’t you make like Nicholson’s Joker and throw money all over the streets while blasting Prince? That would surely get you votes. “Vote for McCain, he gives away free money and beer!” That’s a solid way to gain a huge amount of votes from guys all over town!
I suppose both candidates will give enough back just by replacing our dim witted President George W. Bush. I was on Google this morning and I found a website that lists all the donations to Barack Obama’s campaign in my town. It was surprising to discover that around $50,000 has been donated to Barack’s campaign just in my town alone! I don’t think I’d ever donate my hard earned cash to any politician’s campaign while there’s a Real Ghostbusters complete series DVD set that I need to buy. Gee, let me think for a second…The Dark Knight Double disc Special Deluxe Edition or donate to a political campaign? That’s a no brainer! Who’s got money to blow like that when I’m saving for Disney Hopper passes? Shit.
Being able to see all the donation info is pretty creepy. To know that all the people who donated are listed by first and last name, how much they donated, their occupation, and place of business is pretty disturbing. I realize you can dig up that kind of information anywhere but to have it so readily available to anyone at anytime seems to be excessive. What’s the most troubling part of it is that it lists what candidate you donated to. This could provide enough fuel for some crazy person who has it in for you. Just think, that little donation to Barack of $46.00 could actually cost you your life after that psycho McCainiac goes on his rampage against people in all the blue states who’ve donated to the Democrats. It’s a risky business, one that can be easily taken control of by one of our world renowned organized crime families. Tony Soprano for President ’08!
and if you have about a free month or two you can read Phase II