“Jay Spanking a Jersey Girl” by Bubba Shelby

Bubba Shelby made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. He proposed a trade, I accepted. He got a few action figures, and I got THIS:

Jay Spanking The Jersey Girl

For those who enjoy critiquing art, this brilliant piece depicts me spanking a cute little Jersey girl (and we know that thanks to her panties) with a New Jersey shaped paddle. Having a custom piece of art created for me is infinitely cooler than owning a few action figures that would probably have collected dust otherwise. Eric Stettmeier aka Bubba Shelby used the idea that I had and completely took it to the next level of hilarity. If I had a mantle I would hang it above it and look at it fondly. Since I am unfortunately sans mantle, it’ll find its way into a frame and onto one of my walls where it will be appreciated by all who pass. Take a look at more of Bubba Shelby’s art here at his website, and don’t hesitate to contact him if you need to commission a piece like this for YOUR site!

For those of you who are unaware, Eric also runs one of the most awesome toy blogs: Toyriffic. It’s been a daily click for me for a couple of years now, so head over there for posts about action figures, Hot Wheels, Legos, and more.

atom-bomb Bikini, the lurid art of Robert Ullman

Photobucket

Sure, reading is fundamental, but it makes me doze off, so finishing an entire book is usually a challenge, unless it’s a book of full color art by Robert Ullman. Atom-Bomb Bikini, The Lurid Art of Robert Ullman compiles Ullman’s fun, retro styled eye candy into a nice, compact hardcover that may as well be a Little Golden Book for the adult admirer of humorous, and occasionally perverse “cute girl” art.

Photobucket
Ullman, who’s been reviewed on BoingBoing.com, maintains a blog here on Blogger. I discovered Ullman’s art through a Google search about 2 years ago. I felt I hit the jackpot when I clicked over to his blog since his art style is right up my alley. His site showcases his art as well as personal appearances and other exploits.

Robert Ullman
If any of the following appeals to you, then you’ll appreciate Ullman’s work: comic book style pinup girls, superhero chicks, girls in sports jerseys, boobies, and of course…BIKINIS!!! If you’re against nudity for some reason, don’t worry, it’s done so tastefully that it’s hard not to love it.

Robert Ullman
Ullman has an extensive body of work, much of which is collected in book form and for sale in his online store. I chose this book as the first to add to my collection because of it’s high quality. It’s hard cover and glossy pages make this book well worth the money, not to mention the content inside. Throughout the book, you’ll find everything from Star Wars characters to Batman and Robin, sandwiched in between tons of cute girls not wearing much at all. There are a few black and white pages but they’re still quite amusing so it’s not a big deal. If you can make it to the back of the book without drooling too much, you’ll be treated to several pages of truly phenomenal and sexy sketches. I was never a huge fan of sketches because I always felt, why look at a sketch if you can look at the finished product, but Ullman’s sketches obliterated that idea.
For more on Robert Ullman and to buy his books go to http://rkullman.blogspot.com/

Photobucket
I figured this one was highly appropriate for The Sexy Armpit

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 12: SLUTS!!!

NJ Sluts Slogan Jerkass Clothing

Don’t buy into all that mumbo jumbo Tom Waits was talking about in his song “Jersey Girl.” Jerkass Clothing seems to have a pretty definitive grasp on their true nature. As the stereotype goes, Jersey girls have attitudes, fake tans, tight stone washed jeans, use gallons of aqua net on their huge hair, and they always talk about “goin’ out faw cawfee.” In defense of the Jersey girl, the New York accent has somehow spread like a disease across the river. There’s actually only some Jersey girls that sound like Fran Drescher. Jerkass has fearlessly produced a t-shirt that celebrates a characteristic that all Jersey girls may or may not have in common. Either way, I’m pleading the fifth on this one.

NJ Sluts T-Shirt Jerkass
This whimsical ladies t-shirt is also available in men’s.

You can visit Jerkass Clothing at this link.

Sandra Dee is June’s Garden State Playmate

Photobucket

We’re officially in the midst of summer so I’ve chosen a girl who exudes the qualities of the season. This month, I’ve named the original Gidget, Sandra Dee, as June’s GSP! I guess I never told you the little loophole I have in the Garden State Playmate stipulations: I never said they had to be living!!!

Photobucket

Before she became a pop culture icon, Sandra Dee was born Alexandra Cymboliak Zuck in Bayonne NJ. As a child, Dee began modeling and appearing in commercials, and in the late ’50s she became a household name thanks to starring in movies like Gidget, A Summer Place, and Imitation of Life.

Dee was married to singer/actor Bobby Darin from 1960 – 1967. They wed in a spur of the moment ceremony at the home of music mogul Don Kirshner in Elizabeth NJ. In Beyond the Sea, Kevin Spacey’s 2004 biographical film about Bobby Darin, Dee is portrayed by Kate Bosworth.

Photobucket

To many younger folks, Dee’s perhaps best known for the song named after her in the stage production and film Grease. In the film, Betty Rizzo (Stockard Channing) choreographs a whole performance of “Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee,” for her friends at a slumber party, only to have the unassuming Sandy (Olivia Newton John) walk in to see them making fun of her prude behavior.

In a very different role, Dee starred in The Dunwich Horror based on an H.P Lovecraft story. For more, there’s a phenomenal write up on the film at Teleport City!

Photobucket

Zoe Saldana is May’s Garden State Playmate!

Photobucket
Photobucket
I admit it, I first came across New Jersey born actress Zoe Saldana in the Britney Spears movie Crossroads. I have no reason to lie to you, I didn’t think it was that bad! The film wasn’t as predictable as I thought it would be, in fact, it was pretty shlocky and had a few unexpected twists. They were almost as unexpected as reading that Zoe likes to wear men’s clothing occasionally. Who doesn’t dig a girl in a man’s business shirt wearing nothing else? That’s always a WIN if you ask me, since she’ll probably feel obligated to take it to get dry cleaned afterwards. You know how girls are, always concerned about returning your clothes in a fragrantly clean condition. For a second there it made me think “Damn, Zoe must smell really good…” then I remembered that’s an impossibility, because she’s from New Jersey!

Photobucket
In 2003, Zoe scored a pretty sizeable role as Anamaria in one of my favorite movies of all time, Pirates of the Caribbean. Out of the 8 times I saw it in the theater, I was, without a doubt, the ONLY person male or female to announce fairly loudly “HEY, THAT’S THE GIRL FROM CROSSROADS!” I then continued to ogle her and sip my cold, refreshing, $5 dollar cherry ICEE.

Photobucket
Uhura’s hotness quotient has risen, among other things. Casting Zoe in the new Trek film was a power move since it made watching the film a lot easier for those who weren’t previously fans of Star Trek. Hey now! That’s one Sexy Armpit! Something just beamed up in my trousers! Coming soon, look out for Zoe starring in James Cameron’s Avatar!

Ali Larter is April’s Garden State Playmate!

Photobucket

Photobucket

Don’t read this post and start thinking that ALL Jersey girls look like Ali Larter, because unfortunately that just isn’t true. What IS true is that many of the characters she plays possess traits of a Jersey girl. For Larter, a native of Cherry Hill, NJ, acting like a badass seems to come naturally.

Photobucket

Her resume has caused many a geek to cream their pants. Back around ’99, those same geeks might have also asked their girlfriends to wear whip cream underwear. If you weren’t aware of the spray on bra and panties that Larter redi-whipped onto herself in Varsity Blues, then you must’ve been buried under falling rocks in the Batcave during a cataclysmic earthquake. You’re forgiven if you have that clause in your movie watching contract that prohibits your eyelids from opening if there’s a movie or TV show with James Van Der Beek on. I don’t expect anyone to cop to knowing that the name of her Dawson’s Creek character was Kristy Livingstone, but I bet all the loose change in my BK ROTJ glass that you know Niki Sanders, her split personality psycho bitch from Heroes. If you missed her other roles that have made fanboys’ dreams come true all over the world, here’s some of the other films she’s starred in: Final Destination 1 and 2, Resident Evil: Vegas Vacation (Extinction), and my personal favorite Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Photobucket

It’s a good sign that Larter is already into her 30s and still looking sexy. Hollywood usually kicks you out of town when you hit 27. Is hotness enough to help Larter’s career continue to thrive? Recently, Larter starred in Obsessed, a film in the vein of Fatal Attraction. For an indication on how good this movie is, just try to comprehend that even Peter Travers of Rolling Stone gave the film a zero. I’m sure the reviews aren’t any worse than those for her magnum opus National Lampoon’s The Stoned Age a.k.a Homo Erectus.

Photobucket

No bad reviews for Ali Larter here at The Sexy Armpit, only adulation. Not only does she freely admit she’s from New Jersey, but Larter is also quoted on her profile on IMDB as saying, “I hate pretty-looking boys. I’d rather have a guy with a potbelly than one who’s in the gym all the time and watches what he eats.” Who cares if she’s made some stinkers, her stock just skyrocketed!

Tammy Lynn Sytch “Sunny” is March’s Garden State Playmate!

Photobucket

Photobucket

Boy, was I a horny little kid! Both sides of an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper isn’t nearly enough space to list all the crushes I had on famous women back when my age was in the single digits. Let me see, there was Yvonne Craig aka Batgirl, She-Ra, Marcia Brady, Nicole Eggert, Alyssa Milano Stephanie Zinone (Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2), Victoria Principal, Madonna, The Sagal twins, Miss Elizabeth…the list would literally take up 5-7 extremely long blog posts.

Eventually Playboy models would replace the aforementioned bevy of women and fictional characters on my list. Having an affinity for a pre-boob job Pamela Anderson and a fresh faced Jenny McCarthy helped create a new, more mature me. I felt that it was time to graduate from She-Ra to women who were more tangible with a greater ability to “satisfy me” in a roundabout sort of way. During the time I discovered those fine ladies, most of my friends were unaware of the beautiful women that lived within the pages of Playboy Magazine. Even though it was only a short time that I was able to brag to my circle of friends about “discovering” these sexy women, I still felt distinguished. In my mind I was sleeking around in a smoking jacket toking on a pipe like Hef.

My cavalcade of hot crushes were in their own exclusive world. Never for a minute could I imagine they would converge into my own little far off planet of comic books, music, and pro-wrestling. To my supreme excitement, it actually happened when Pamela Anderson walked Big Daddy Cool Diesel down to the ring while Jenny McCarthy escorted The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 11. It was a surreal moment considering it made me feel like my passion for these girls willed it to happen. It was that, or the fact that Vince McMahon has been wire tapping my phone since I was 6 years old. (The CIA refuses to entertain my suspicions despite my constant complaints.) Regardless of how it happened, these ladies weren’t marks for the business. I knew they were only appearing at Wrestlemania because of the big pay day. This large check gave them the option to enlarge or deflate their breasts at their every whim.

So…yeah…Playboy models are great but they’re so one dimensional, aren’t they? In 1995, a woman was about to enter my radar and totally obliterate all other sexy blips on it like she was the laser cannon in Space Invaders. The only difference? She wasn’t just made up of pixels, she was for real, she was from New Jersey, and she didn’t take anyone’s shit.

Photobucket
She is Tammy Lynn Sytch, aka Sunny: the first true WWE Diva. After working for Smoky Mountain Wrestling, Sunny entered the WWF as an on-air anchor promoting house shows. She eventually grabbed the attention of all the WWF fans as manager of the Bodydonnas. From then on, Vince and the WWF became bent on creating female superstars referring to them as “Divas.” Unfortunately for Divas past and present, none of them can or will ever hold a candle to Sunny.
Truly “making it” in pro wrestling takes guts, personality, and some severe delusions. Sunny had a perfect melange of all these ingredients. She was unabashed on the mic, a natural at generating heat with the crowd, and simply a born entertainer. Just like Sensational Sherri before her, Sunny wouldn’t think twice about interfering in a bout, distracting the ref, or getting caught up in a melee, as long as her men won the match. The fact that she was so good at being a “WWF Superstar” made her even more sexy in my eyes as well as in the minds of the millions of other wrestling fans who relentlessly downloaded her swimsuit pics on America Online. (Keep in mind, back then it took 5 minutes to download one low quality .jpg!)

To all the negative, idiotic, and obsessive freaks out there on the Internet who give wrestling fans a bad name: Sunny paved the way for all the Divas who came after her. You know the ones – the ones with non existent mic skills, the ones who can’t deliver their lines let alone remember them, the ones who look awkward in the ring, the ones who are in it not for the love of wrestling, but because they won a friggin’ contest. Sunny “brought it” all the time with that special factor that only few had. If Sable didn’t have gigantic fake boobs and never posed for Playboy, she would scarcely be remembered at this point. Unlike Sable, Sunny wasn’t just a pretty face, she knew the business. She can take her spot right next to the Bobby Heenans, Mr. Fujis, Jim Cornettes, and all the rest of them. There’s no doubt that Miss Elizabeth will always hold a special place in my heart, but she wasn’t much more than a valet and eye candy, while Sunny served both those purposes and more. Sunny owned her star quality which catapulted her to the forefront of storylines. She single handedly made the tag team scene in the WWF infinitely more interesting.

Sunny, was a sex symbol with actual talent for the business, a rare discovery. Sunny was the girl I didn’t think existed. A hot girl with a killer bod who was also into pro wrestling at a time when it had somehow become reserved exclusively for geeks. Was she for real, or did I create her in the garage with power tools? I began to move on from the Pams and Jennys as I realized that there would soon be an epic crossover as hot women surged into pro wrestling. Thank you Sunny for uniting these two worlds, and making us feel less geeky for being pro wrestling fans.

Photobucket
For other wrestling related articles check out the Classic WWE/WWF Event Cards from NJ !!!

Christina Milian is February’s Garden State Playmate!

Photobucket
Photobucket

Although she moved out to Los Angeles when she was 13, Christina Milian’s still a Jersey girl at heart. Born in Jersey City, NJ, Milian has enjoyed success as a multi-faceted entertainer. 

Photobucket

Milian skyrocketed from Wendy’s and Honeycomb commercials to movie credits that include American PieTorqueLove Don’t Cost a Thing, and Pulse with Kristen Bell. If you haven’t seen the remake of Pulse give it a shot, it’s pretty damn creepy. My personal favorite role of hers is 2005’s follow up to Get Shorty, Be Cool, where she plays singer Linda Moon. Also in the film, you’ll get to see Vince Vaughn’s superb role as a pimp (which he also did on Pimp Chat on SNL) and Dwayne Johnson (I still call him merely “The Rock”) as his gay bodyguard. Look out for Aerosmith, Gene Simmons, and Danny Devito along with a host of other cameos in the film! Milian has also starred in the video game Need for Speed: Undercover.

Photobucket

Milian first love is making music. “Dip it Low,” and “AM to PM” are a couple of her successful singles. She’s also co-written for J-Lo, and supplied the theme song for Disney’s Kim Possible, “Call Me, Beep Me!” Milian recently signed with Myspace records and her upcoming 4th album, Dream in Color, which will be released in April of ’09. The album is said to feature Milian’s collaboration with Kanye West. “Us Against the World” is the first single from the album and in the video you can see why she was chosen to be February’s Garden State Playmate!:

Ashley Tisdale is January’s Garden State Playmate!

Photobucket
No these ladies haven’t been featured in Playboy, but if they are a) hot, and b) from New Jersey, live in the state, or have lived in the state at one time, then they’ll be featured in this new column here at The Armpit called “Garden State Playmates.” GSP spotlights well known female personalities including actresses, musicians, models, porn stars, and whoever else I deem deserving of this exalted honor. 

Photobucket

Congratulations to the first ever GSP, Ashley Tisdale! Considering the fact that many of my readers have children who like Ashley Tisdale, let’s not make this weird O.K? Here’s some facts about Ashley thanks to the assist from Wikipedia:
– Ashley was born in Monmouth County, NJ and grew up in a ritzy part of Ocean Township.
– Her Grandfather created Ginsu knives and she’s also related to “Set it, and forget it!” Ron Popeil. That’s most likely where they had the money to live in Ocean Township.
– She appeared in over 100 commercials as a child. Can you say “showbiz mom” ???

Photobucket
– In the High School Musical series, the name of Tisdale’s character is Sharpay Evans. I don’t know about you but that name makes me want to puke.
– Had a small role in Richard Kelly’s awesome film, Donnie Darko.
– She is the face of Degree Girl deodorant, and hopefully she uses it liberally. She’s got to keep those armpits sexy if she wants to keep her title of GSP.
– Has her own “Ashley Doll” made by Huckleberry Toys:

Photobucket
– Claimed that her nose job was a necessary health precaution due to a deviated septum that was interfering with her breathing. Ashley told People magazine that she wanted to be honest with her fans. If she really was being honest she could’ve said that she hated her nose and she would be more successful if she had her nose fixed.
– In ’08, Tisdale ranked #6 on Forbes list of the “10 Top Paid Tweens” with $5.5 million earned. She also ranked #17 on Forbes list of “Highest Earners under 30” which is a list that, shockingly, I was left off of.
– As far as I know, Tisdale has not followed in the footsteps of her High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens, who snapped naked photos of herself in a cheap stunt to boost her career. Perhaps a strategic career move like that would benefit her? What do you think? Would dirty pics of Ashley Tisdale sink Vanessa Hudgens battleship? Does anyone even care about Vanessa Hudgens?

MINDGAME: “A Comic Psycho Thriller” Review 12/3/08

On Wednesday December 3rd, 2008 I drove into lower Manhattan, to review Mindgame, a play billed as a “comic psycho thriller” at the Soho Playhouse. When I see a play or movie I try to refrain from doing too much research prior to my experience in order to go into it without any preconceived notions. I won’t spoil too much and if by the end of reading this you decide to check out the play for yourself, I suggest going in with an open mind.

Mindgame is no mere mortal of a play, and while immersing yourself in it you’ll feel like you’re stomping up and down the stairs of MC Escher’s painting Relativity, never really reaching a destination. Although, those who persevere through this rich Mindgame will feel rewarded. You’ll be left with a lingering fallout of thoughts, possible conclusions, and a multitude of unanswered questions. If you don’t consider that a reward, then you should think of going to see Shrek the Musical instead.

In the lore of the play, best selling writer Mark Styler has come to a mental hospital in hopes of interviewing Eastman, a serial killer. Styler’s book Bloodbath chronicled the exploits of 9 notorious serial killers, but an interview with Eastman eluded him. Styler first has to meet with Dr. Farquhar, the head of the hospital, in order to get clearance to meet with Eastman. The enigmatic and seemingly dignified Farquhar is not aware of who Styler is, nor is he familiar with his apparent written request to interview one of his patients. The play’s comic tone grows eerie as the quest to figure out exactly what the hell is going on begins. Farquhar calls for his assistant, Nurse Plimpton, a couple of times until she finally arrives. In what seems like an outlandish ornament to the play in her pink wig, white vinyl nurses costume, fishnet stockings, and silver hooker boots, the sexy nurse isn’t just eye candy as you’ll find out. The nurse is noticeably uneasy judging by her uncomfortable chuckles that follow her dialogue.

In the events that follow, a scalpel, a vintage 1966 bottle of wine, a shopping bag from Marks and Spencer, and a straight jacket all come into play. You may have to call upon your days as household champion of Clue to sift through the conundrums that makeup Mindgame. In this case though, you can’t be sure Colonel Mustard is actually Colonel Mustard and you most definitely will not be able to rely on the old standby and blame the butler “Didit.” When we reach what seems to be a turning point in the play, there’s a revelation about one of the characters. At that moment it occurred to me that I may not have been mentally raising the right questions. I had to fine tune my thinking. After more revelations occur, it’s not obvious which one we’re supposed to believe. The play’s finale is left open to interpretation, and for that reason Mindgame is the epitome of clever and thought provoking.

Coming from a former English major, I’d say Mindgame is quite a juicy subject from a literary standpoint. I did not read the novel by Anthony Horowitz, but solely based on what I saw in the play, there’s a profuse amount of themes imbedded in it’s layers. So exactly how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of mind game? Chances are, the center will probably turn hard as a rock before you can even crack the candy coating. Don’t bite it and walk away or you’ll miss out on fully enjoying and appreciating the finer details. Here are just some of the themes of Mindgame: influence, identity, insanity, perversions, murder, contradictions, incest, homosexuality, liberation, psychoanalytic methods, cannibalism, BDSM, role reversal, deformity, self perception/public image, mind over matter, and the arousing nature and glorification of murderers like Jack the Ripper. Or it could be about none of those things. Confused?

Photobucket

It’s hard to believe that only 3 actors created Mindgame onstage. Keith Carradine (Will Rogers Follies, TV’s Deadwood and Dexter) seamlessly stepped into the shoes of the doctor of the mental hospital, Farquhar while Lee Godart (Skylight, Copenhagen, and TV’s All My Children) vivified Mark Styler, the writer. The pair exchanged lines with artful elegance. Both actors utilized their superb comic timing while occasionally the play’s unpredictable nature forced them to erupt into skillfully executed volatile rages. Upon her entrance, Nurse Plimpton was a welcome addition to the stage, and my nether region. The nuances of her performance are to be savored. Kathleeen McNenny has starred in Richard III for the NJ Shakespeare Festival, TV’s Law and Order, and the film School of Rock, as well as numerous other TV and stage productions. Without this incredibly adept cast, Mindgame wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable.

Ken Russell directs the fine cast through the taught script of Mind game. Russell states in the director’s note in the playbill: “By the end of Act I on my first reading of Mindgame, I was ready for a small scotch. By the time I reached the grand finale, I was in need of a large one.” No matter how bemused by the script, Russell’s inspiration shines through in this well conceived production. Helping the translation from script to stage was Beowulf Boritt who has designed yet another exceptional set. The stage was set as Farquhar’s office and it contains several props and decoys of varying importance. Be perceptive and especially take a glance over at that morphing painting on the wall!

You’ll find Mindgame to be funny and suspenseful, yet mind boggling. It’s not as simple as it first seems. The play relies on atmosphere and dialogue so don’t expect big huge ensemble dance numbers. If you’re not down with perverse subject matter, or some scalpel slashing then you may want to sit this one out. The material is a bit challenging for someone who’s not a theater goer, it can be repetitive at times. The methodical nature of the script may just get you frustrated. But if you’re “all in” then pay attention to the subtle details, you may or may not need them! Is this not making sense to you? Good, that’s the point! It’s refreshing to know that much passion went into the production of Mindgame and it’s not just some slapped together stage show starring some already forgotten American idol reject. Even though it’s more to digest than recycled clichéd fare, it’s an experience you’ll be talking about for a long time so allow yourself to be engaged in the Mindgame! Back to The age old question What does it all mean? Carpet. Envelope. Wallpaper. Cigarette. Jelly. Yeah…that’s it! Intrigued?

MINDGAME
Soho Playhouse
15 Vandam Street
BTW 6th Ave & Varick