New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.10: What NOT to Watch This Halloween: Dark Ride

I should’ve known that any movie the Sci-Fi Channel airs that’s not an established classic usually sucks ass. I wish I would’ve watched their presentation of After Dark Films 8 Films to Die For: Dark Ride (2006) before I unwittingly purchased the DVD.
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I admit I was enticed by hearing that there was finally a horror movie about a Dark Ride. Who doesn’t love Dark Rides? If it was up to me, when you walk into my condo you’re automatically invited onto a boat and take a dark ride through the place. The only catch is that the only way to get around the condo is to take the dark ride. I’d wake up in the morning with my pajamas on and my eyes half shut and take the boat over to the bathroom. I’d do my thing, wash my face, and then hop on again over to the kitchen for breakfast as I narrowly escape some robotic monsters trying to kill me. What? It’s time to go to work? This boat is damn slow and we aren’t even passed the walking corpses and the Pinhead animatronic display! I hope I make it to the front door in time! I know, I know…keep my feet and hands in the ride at all times. Forget that, we can do it cartoon style and I wouldn’t even have to take a real shower anymore. I’d hop on the boat and have water jets and soap spray me down after I go through the Dr. Satan exhibit. Shit, I may as well make the upstairs into a fountain of youth ride. Anything’s possible in dark rides, except for making a good movie about them.

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Now that’s acting!


Jamie Lynn Sigler was the real grabber for me in this one. I think her performance would’ve resonated more if she video conferenced all her scenes in from her bedroom at home. Her work on The Sopranos is masterful and glorious compared to the hack job she turned in on this film. What a mess! I’m usually a fan of really bad movies like this one, especially of the horror genre, but so much of this movie let me down. It seems like the casting folks on this film tried to get Sigler because of her eternal connection to her starring role as the daughter of a mob boss from New Jersey.

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Now that’s acting!

Being a lifelong native of New Jersey, I was excited to see that the movie was based in Asbury Park. The dark ride itself was in a haunted house on the boardwalk. One dark and spooky night a bunch of “meddling kids” broke into the attraction to pull a prank on Jamie Lynn Sigler’s cheating boyfriend. But as it turns out, there’s a killer on the loose that lives inside the Dark Ride! How much more dull can we be here? The male stars are actually the better actors in the film and that isn’t saying much.

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Now that’s acting!

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Now that’s acting!

Oh, and if you thought I was too harsh on Sigler’s performance, you have no clue what you’re in for with David Clayton Rogers performance. Here’s another idiot that thinks he’ll get further in his career if he has 2 first names. This kid redefines that old addage “don’t quit your day job.” Before he decided to become an actor I heard he would sneak into public ladies rooms and steal the money out of tampon machines. What a dick! That money benefits autistic children, doesn’t he know that? Despitef his previous career as a complete loser, someone actually let him be an actor. The fact that Hollywood is still letting him practice this craft is completely beyond me. I hope and pray to the Gods of Film that I never have to witness an atrocity such as David Clayton Rogers ever again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to him, I just wish that he would realize he sucks and try his luck at another career. Isn’t there a Jack in the Box or a Carl’s Jr. you can work at?

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OK, I feel like I’m being too harsh. Dark Ride does have some redeemable qualities but what stunk most about this film is that it could’ve been so much more. Being from Jersey, I was blessed with some of the best haunted houses and dark rides ever. Take Castle Dracula in Wildwood or the haunted castle at Six Flags Great Adventure for instance would make great stories. Because of lame producers, filmmakers are constantly dumbing things down. This movie is not one that a fanboy, or an X-E fan would enjoy.

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After feeling guilty that they didn’t film in Jersey,
they flew their film crew to quickly take some footage of Asbury Park and The Stone Pony
Why didn’t the producers hire Weird NJ to hop on as consultants? Let’s talk urban legends, local myths, etc. Any film about the Jersey Devil has sucked and now they’re sucking any coolness out of dark rides from Jersey as well! C’mon…The Jersey Shore used to be famous for it’s haunted houses! It’s interesting to note that the majority of this movie wasn’t even filmed in New Jersey, but in Los Angeles and at the Santa Monica Pier. That’s most likely because it’s so damn expensive to film in Jersey.

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Horror Freak from Oregon on IMDB claims that he didn’t see the twist at the end coming at all. I think he may just be completely out of his mind. This was the most predictable movie, possibly as predictable as a Full House episode. I hate this movie so much, if I keep writing about it, I don’t think I’m ever going to want to blog again. So in an attempt to save my hobby from the clutches of the evil movie Dark Ride, my little boat ride stops here.

For the Love of Lori Loughlin a.k.a Jesse’s Girl

In 1988 I would’ve dove off the roof of a skyscraper and landed into a 2,000 ton pile of rhinoceros crap just to have had a few naughty moments with Lori Loughlin. She definitely deserves some spankings for not being more available for dates with me back then. I’m pretty sure it was just because she was unfamiliar with the level of ecstasy that I could have made her feel. Don’t let her sweet, goody two shoes facade fool you…she likes it rough.

ain’t that the way love’s supposed to be…?

(:20 second guitar breakdown…)

Aside from her animalistic sexual appetite which she cruelly taunted me with, Lori Loughlin does deserve some accolades. She was always one of the actresses from the’80s that never got her due. It’s possible that more people know her as Becky “the girl who played Uncle Jesse’s wife” from Full House. Their relationship used to make me ill. You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. Her character Rebecca was uptight and pretty annoying. This was the complete opposite of Jesse who was still living like a 20 something rock and roller. Perhaps I wasn’t as cool as him and I didn’t have a rad tag line like he did, but I was loyal and a good listener. And I’m lookin‘ in the mirror all the time,Wondering what she don’t see in me. Even though Lori pretty much ignored me throughout the filming of Full House, I didn’t really care because in my own little way I still carry on a special little relationship of my own with her. She was a lousy, rotten minx who drained me of every ounce of devotion I had without ever giving anything back. Not even so much as a package handling. My only other option was Kimmy Gibbler and forget about her…i didn’t want any STD‘s.
At the time I was still a young kid and i wound up running with the wrong crowd and falling for the wrong girls. I used to sneak into the catering room on the Full House set and start flirting with the Olsen twins. I felt good stealing what little time I could with them just as long as I knew it would make Lori jealous. One time Lori walked by all aloof when at that very second I deliberately dared Mary Kate to do a round of Coca-Cola shots with me at the mini refreshment bar they had set up. She would always rise to the occasion with a resounding “You got it dude.” I think she thought I really liked her, but the fact of the matter is that I was using her to drive Lori back into my loving arms late at night.
Tell Me Where Can I find a woman like that? In my DVD collection of course. And after going through my DVD collection recently, I came to the conclusion that my pathetic obsession with Lori Loughlin has to come to an end. I’m not embarrassed to say that I might actually be a fan of her work, but it does take a lot to admit that she is the reason that I’m going to special therapy sessions. Living with the thought that she would one day give me a chance has always granted me that mysterious psychotic flair: “Why is Jay so hung up on that actress?” “He’s never gonna get her because she’s with Jesse.” It shows that I’m not just your normal average everyday psychotic stalker. Owning a vast majority of Loughlin’s work provides me with the chance to watch her on a constant loop basis. Do you watch the news when you wake up and drink your coffee? I don’t. I watch Rad, and Back to the Beach. Most people see my collection of her films and honestly and candidly tell me that Lori and I are destined to be together.
Even though I never get to speak with her personally because she won’t accept any of my calls, I never got a moment to express to her my true feelings. I’m taking this chance, to pour my heart out to Lori and describe to her my unbridled love and devotion for her. Lori will always be underrated and may never get her shot at being truly “big time.” In my heart, and in my pants…she is BIG TIME! If you catch my drift. Being a native Schlong Islander she was a shoe in for her role in Amityville 3-D. Why that movie didn’t grab, at the very least, a few People’s Choice awards truly baffles me. I did sent Lori fan mail once asking her to film Analville 3-D with me, but I never heard back. What’s up with that? It was a legitimate acting role! It was innovative at the time.
Loughlin transitioned from a horror classic like Amityville 3-D full speed ahead into her role as Abby in The New Kids. The New Kids was an entertaining but barely remembered ’80s classic where she’s preyed on by James Spader the king of the creeps. Her apparent fling with that slimeball on the set really made my blood boil. And she’s lovin‘ him with that body I just know it. Lori’s versatility also shined through when she made a huge career decision by taking on such a crucial and controversial role like playing Christian in the BMX tour de force, RAD.
It pains me to make this confession but I was so emotionally hurt by Lori’s failure to commit to me that I had to get back at her by sleeping with her co-star of Secret Admirer, Kelly Preston. I figured it would be a perfect revenge move because unlike Lori who was lacking in the hooter department, Kelly Preston was a curvy, voluptuous FOX. My stunt didn’t work at all because I felt dirty and scummy after sleeping with such a promiscuous tramp. Preston didn’t have the wholesome appeal that Lori had. I still have my reasons for believing that Lori played me out by shacking up in Soul Man C. Thomas Howell’s trailer during filming.
I once gave Lori a valuable piece of advice when I was totally uncreepily waiting in the lobby of the hotel that she was staying in. As she came out of the elevator and made her way to check out, I snapped a slew of pictures while explaining that she needed to “get in with the geeks”if she wanted to be successful. I told her that she needed to solidify her legacy with fanboys everywhere. It’s obvious that she took my word for it after Lori did a voice on the Justice League animated series and also played Black Canary on the short lived WB show Birds of Prey. (Say what you will but it was a crime that it took so long to get to DVD.)
Perhaps her be all end all role for me was Sandi in Back to the Beach. I idolized Zed and still do, but I truly related to Michael because I wanted to be sneaking around with Sandi hanging out on the beach all day. That’s still what I want to be doing. Honestly, how much of a threat was having a former ‘50s pop idol as a dad and a Mouseketeer as a mom? They didn’t have to sneak around with each other or jump out of windows into the ocean! What were Sandi’s parents going to do to him? Croon him to death? Shoot fake smiles at him till he passes out?
The height of Lori’s hotness was without a doubt in The Night Before with Keanu Reeves. Around the same time I created a voodoo doll of Lori and cast a spell on her that was supposed to sabotage her career. The curse I created must’ve had a delayed reaction because it didn’t actually take it’s effect until 17 years later when the WB’s Summerland got the axe. When the news started to break it sent shockwaves throughout the U.S. I had a bit of party with my action figures and some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (next time I’ll have the chunky). It sort of felt like the fall of communism. All of her sleeping around with other men throughout the years took its toll on my heart and my mind. It was a definite victory for me seeing as it was her darkest day. She had nowhere to turn. The WB didn’t want her piece of crap melodrama, but I knew this was my time to take advantage of the situation.
I put on a mini concert in a hotel room for her with my karaoke machine and naturally, I sang my own tuned up version of “Jessie’s Girl” called “Uncle Jessie’s Girl.” She really wasn’t digging it. But really, how much could one enjoy a karaoke performance (especially from me) when they are cuffed to the bed with their mouth duct taped shut…and the fact that she was passed out. I’ll cut her a little slack, I’ll admit, I was a bit pitchy. After I rocked out, things got so HOT between the two of us in that hotel room the sprinklers went off. I knew I did everything I could to impress her the point was probably moot. Hell, I was even cool with the lines. She came to and started crying and moaning that she wanted to go back to her husband Mossimo and that I should let her go. I gave her one last passionate kiss and then I let her go, out of the hotel room and out of my life forever. That is until I pick just the right time to release the video I filmed that night which may prove to be the highlight of her career: Lori in all her Glory. Available wherever finer DVD’s are sold.