Here’s my report on eXXXotica 2010. Watch with the volume up and in high definition!
Porn mirrors pop culture. Porn doesn’t just provide a diversion for legions of horny people, and dictates what home video format we’ll be purchasing for the next 10 years, but also grabs its influences from what’s hot on TV and in the movies. Joining the ranks of porn parodies like Casabangca, Edward Penishands, and Muffy the Vampire Layer, is Jersey Shore XXX starring Jersey born adult film actress Taryn Thomas.
Taryn Thomas, the dirtiest girl in porn, will be playing Snooki in the upcoming adult version of MTV’s New Jersey based reality show. Even though it may be a departure from her role in Evil Angels Vault of Whores and The Cream Team 2, Taryn’s bountiful skills will easily make any guy she’s in a scene with rise to the occasion.
Seeking to have more creative control over her projects, Taryn grabbed the shaft by the balls and started her own production company called Taryn It Up Entertainment. I admire her gusto and of course…her busto. Rimshot! In addition to her extensive work in the adult film industry, Taryn has studied cosmetology, has a pharmacy technician license, and even went to real estate school! That is what I call versatile. After she bangs you six ways from Sunday she’ll do your guyliner, prescribe you some allergy meds, and then bring you to a snazzy open house. What a girl!
If you’re like Paul Rudd’s character, David, in 40 Year Old Virgin, and you have a compilation like Boner Jamz ’03, adding Jersey Shore XXX to Boner Jamz 2010 is a must! Check out the trailer:
In case you weren’t able to be at Exxxotica this year I’ve captured my experience and edited it into a montage for you. Much of the footage was taken hours before the place became mobbed.
The 2nd annual Exxxotica convention took place on Friday September 25th and The Sexy Armpit was lucky enough to be there sandwiched between all the vibrators, ceramic dongs, and of course tons of adult film stars! It was my first Exxxotica convention and I was honestly impressed with the reverence it paid to an industry constantly faced with adversity. Censorship in the United States relegates anything, even semi explicit material, into the taboo category. You could imagaine the crusade that it took the organizers of the Exxxotica convention to actually bring it to the public. After getting ousted from Secaucus, New Jersey, whether they liked it or not, Edison, New Jersey became home to Exxxotica 2009. Now for my blow by blow account.
Whether you’re into Comic Books, Star Wars, Buffy, or even Twilight, there’s an expo hall somewhere in the country hosting a convention for your pastime. If your pastime is sex and adult films, don’t you feel left out? It’s not so bad if you live on the west coast, especially Los Angeles and Vegas since running into a porn star is way more likely there. Exxxotica also brings their show to Miami so it’s only logical to hold another leg of the convention only miles away from New York City. It’s about damn time that a sexpo not just for industry folk came to the Northeast. The opportunity to rub implants or elbows with girls (or guys) you’ve only fantasized about on the computer or in magazines is pretty special regardless your views on sex. If people can dress up as a Klingon, go to a Trek convention, and stand on line for Nimoys autograph, then why the hell not have a sex convention where you meet tons of your favorite porn stars and have the chance to preview and purchase the latest sex products?
You don’t have to be a sex addict to enjoy this convention. The NJ Expo Hall transformed into a pink playground of sexual fantasies. The eye candy sent me into overload. Girls dressed in sexy pink and black lingerie roamed the floor posing for pictures and flirting with the attendees. It was no different than taking pictures with a guy in a Captain America costume at the Marvel comics kiosk at the NY Comic Con. When I wasn’t distracted by all the hot ass, I was scoping out the scene for my favorite porn stars. From Jenna Haze to the girls from Burning Angel, everyone was at Exxxotica.
Next year make sure you get 2 tickets, and bring your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s the best time you’ll ever have in Edison, New Jersey.
Male Sexy Armpit readers will most likely cast their vote for BIKINIS, but don’t count Wife Beaters out so quickly in this match up. Sure it’s a nice visual to think about a blazing hot day at the Jersey shore watching a smoking hot Jersey girl make her way out of the crystal blue water, OK maybe not so much crystal blue as it is murky green, but you catch my drift. Of course it’s not like watching Ursula Andress slither out of the water in Dr. No, but it’s the closest we come to that kind of sex appeal here in a state blanketed with toxic waste. It’s a miracle all the girls at the shore aren’t popping out of the water looking like mutated 3-eyed zombies. Perhaps it’s the fact that we have some decent women in this state that they’re all so proud of themselves that they’re “Jersey girls?” Instead of bragging about being Jersey girls why don’t they just say “Yay! we’re not mutants!” that’s what the t-shirts should be saying.
This week, the fine T-shirts pictured above are available through BurnTees.com where they offer all kinds of funny and sarcastic New Jersey themed shirts in addition to a host of others. Check them out!
I had no idea that Wonder Woman was such a filthy, whorish, slutbag. Sitting comically on a shelf at the nearest Five Below, Wonder Woman takes the form of some sort of bath foam. For that extra shot of perversity, Wonder Woman squirts, spurts, and regurgitates “crazy foam” in a completely blatant display of nerdcore porn. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen foamy soaps done superhero style, but in this case, we can place Wonder Woman “Crazy Foam” at the top of the peak of all children’s bath foam canisters. In a glaring contrast, I’m pulling for the KISS camp to license a Gene Simmons can that spews red shave gel. It may actually make me look forward to shaving and unlike this Wonder Woman can, it would be highly appropriate.
Don’t you wonder who over at DC Comics was responsible for the Wonder Woman Crazy Foam Canister getting a huge green AUTHORIZED stamp? While drunk at the DC licensing party, I wonder if some of the hornier employees approved the proposal for a Fleshlight “Wonder Woman’s Mouth” special edition. Some lonely guys out there would probably kill for one. Picture Princess Diana’s head on this canister about 10 times the size and I think you’ll be in business. Notice she has a big hole shot through the back of her head?
Here’s the trailer for DC Comic’s upcoming Wonder Woman Animated movie: