My friend Steve alerted me to this awesome site called Betamaxmas. As you can see from the screenshot, it’s a late ’70s or early ’80s living room fully equipped with a Christmas tree decorated with BIG BULBS, a TV set with rabbit ears and a remote control, and a Betamax player. On the TV set you can watch all different vintage holiday specials. If they come in a little fuzzy…just click the rabbit ears to adjust the reception! It’s amazing how fast technology has been “museumified.” A bonus is the classic TV guide listing on the top right.
The Sexy Armpit Turns 4!
At the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month (there’s that number again!) World War 1 came to an end. 11/11 is now celebrated as Veterans Day, and in a completely unrelated coincidence…The Sexy Armpit’s birthday! Woooo-hoooo! The Big 0-4! I’ve taken the liberty to have Chef Allen of the Royal Palace whip up a special treat for all of us to enjoy. I figured it would help us celebrate such a momentous occasion!
Jay: Yo, Chef Allen! Why don’t you have your guys roll that big mofo out here…
King Randor: Um, Jay?
Jay: Yes, King Randor?
King Randor: Don’t you think this ridiculously sized cake is a little much for only a 4 year anniversary?
Jay: Awww yeah! That’s the way we do it sucka! Hey Adora…are you impressed by it’s size? They say the size of a man’s cake is an indication of…
Jay: WTF?
(all of a sudden there’s a blinding flash of light and a cool beaming sound effect)
Holy Shit! What the hell was that? Damn, I was just trying to enjoy The Sexy Armpit’s 4-year anniversary and you had to make it an exploding cake didn’t you Chef Allen? You mutha-
Jay: DID SKELETOR AND HORDAK JUST JUMP OUT OF MY CAKE? Oh man, I can’t think of a better present, thank you all so much! They were my favorites growing up. Hey guys…when’s your little strip dance? You are here for that aren’t you? That’s usually what happens when people pop out of a cake, especially gigantic pink frilly ones! Now I think you’re obligated, you owe it to these fine people. You can’t let them down now! At least Kobra Khan cause he’s probably got some trouser snake…umm, OK…I guess I’ll shut up now…
…gulp…
Gross Observations #2: Holiday Edition ’07
Why is it that only kids from 1 to 92 get the simple phrase ? What about the rest of them? Do they get a more complex phrase?
What’s all this talk of lighting up trees?
I’m awarding the late, great Karen Carpenter with a Golden Armpit Award for coining the word “Christmasing” in The Carpenter’s Merry Christmas Darling. Heck, even if she didn’t coin it, she still won for best use of the word.
Why is it that Christmas cards are so important? They could make you or break you! If you don’t buy a certain person in your family a nice enough card they’ll totally trash you.
The best part of the cold weather is going outside and getting that first whiff of neighbors using their fireplace. It’s such a great smell.
I wonder how the gay community feels this time of year about the fact that we’re donning all their apparel?
In North Carolina, do they let Heaven and Nature Boy sing? Whoooo!
For some reason I have a fear that one of these days some “genius” Hollywood producer is going to greenlight a remake of Home Alone. Not a sequel…a remake. This will be an abominable mistake. The original is a classic and I still get a kick out of it ’til this day. Much like A Christmas Story it conjures up all those excellent feelings you got during the holidays when you’re a kid.
Why do we write “Xmas” with an X? Wouldn’t that be Crossmas? Maybe even “Multiplied By-mas” It has nothing to do with the number 10 and it’s definitely not “Mark the Spotmas” Who came up with that one?
Wasn’t Last Christmas a much different song when you heard it for the first time AFTER you found out that George Michael was gay? And who is the moron who let Ashley Tisdale murder that song? Holy Crap! William Hung would’ve done a better job!
Forgive me if it sounds perverse but 8 maids a milking actually sounds kinda hot. How that gift was not opened earlier than the 8th day is beyond me. I’m hoping that on the 9th day I get a digi-cam to record that shit. You Tube here I come!
One year I saw mommy kissing Tiny Tim. It wasn’t the ill Cratchit boy though, it was actually Tiny Tim the ’60s ukelele sensation. I’ll never forget that Christmas.
How come no one has harped on the fact that there’s a song that exists called “Back Door Santa“??
I realized the other day as I was completing a holiday purchase at a department store that I left the counter and said Merry Christmas! I don’t give a fuck. Christmas seems to have become a non denominational holiday. So all of that PC crap we’ve been hearing about the past few years, like how you can’t say Merry Christmas – that’s all gone to shit. You can say it to anyone now. That’s the rule…I just made it! Merry F–king Christmas!
Jay’s Christmas Playlist 2007
In 2005, I decided to print a list of random songs I loved from my iTunes Christmas playlist. Though for some reason, last Christmas I didn’t publish one. This year, I vow to go further into my vast iPod Christmas playlist. I realize that a ton of blogs actually feature their playlists with downloadable songs. Unfortunately, I won’t do that for 2 reasons: 1) I’d rather not get my ass sued 2) I’m not that technically savvy. Christmas music brings me back in time and I love adding new tunes all year long. I love when I tell a person about a Christmas song that they didn’t even know existed. So here’s just another peek into what I’m listening to this holiday season. The 2005 Playlist is linked HERE. If there’s any you’d like to add, feel free to leave a comment!
Christmastime is Here – Stone Temple Pilots
Oh Come All Ye Faithful – Twisted Sister
Happy Holidays – Andy Williams
Jingle Bell Rock .38 Special
Jingle Bell Rock – Tuff
Jingle Bell Rock – Nelson
Best Part of Christmas – American Angel
The Christmas Song – Johnny Mathis
12 Days of Christmas – Relient K
Christmas is the Time to say I love you – SR-71
Little Drummer Boy – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
If it Doesn’t Snow For Christmas – Joe Pesci
Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Handsome Devil
Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Dokken!
Merry Frickin’ Christmas – Frickin’ A
White Christmas – The Drifters
I’ll Be Stone For Christmas – Bob Rivers
Merry Christmas Baby – Pepe, from the Muppets
My Girlfriend (Forgot Me This Christmas) – The Click Five
We Need a Little Christmas – The New Christy Minstrels
Do You Hear What I Hear? – Carrie Underwood
Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters
Last Christmas- Butch Walker
Please Come Home For Christmas – Bon Jovi
Christmas Celebration – Weezer
Ave Maria – Chris Cornell
Black Friday Parking Lot Brawl
Black Friday was completely insane. If you never gone out to shop on Black Friday, everything you’ve ever heard about the shopping blitz is true. There’s the sales, the lines forming at 2am, and the crowds rushing into the stores at 5am, but you rarely hear about the battles for parking spaces. I walked over to Woodbridge Center just for shits and giggles and I made my way through the parking lot of Dick’s Sporting Goods. As I weaved through the cars, I overheard what could have become an all out parking lot brawl just a few feet to my left.
GUY #1: “I can’t believe you just cut right in front of me!”
GUY #2: “Oh go fuck yourself!”
No joke, I started to laugh at these two guys because of the preposterous situation that they were in. The Woodbridge Center Mall has about 3,500 EXTRA parking spaces that never get used unless it’s Black Friday. Any other day these two guys would have had their choice but because everyone decides to rush out all at once so they could get their hands on a heavily discounted cutlery set at Macy’s they get into a fight because of a parking spot. This is so lame. I am the first guy to admit that I have a short fuse but America has to check itself into this new 12-step program called CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Really, I attribute my short temper to the fact that we all need one as a defense mechanism nowadays. You never know when someone around you will snap and go ballistic. These two guys need to take a deep breath, step out of the situation and realize that they’ll probably be in the ground in no time if they keep getting so up in arms about stupid shit like shopping. But nothing ever changes during the Holidays, which is the exact time of year that people are supposed to be nice to one another. Isn’t that ironic? I’m going to make it a point to start calming down so I don’t contribute to the ticking time bomb that is our country. It is interesting to note that they both were in their cars. The way I see it, cars and driving give this world a lot of unnecessary stress.
On the stress free side of this Thanksgiving weekend, I managed to make a couple of purchases that were worth noting. More on that next time…