I never thought the God of Thunder himself would grace Old Bridge, NJ with his presence. KISS sings about losing their minds in Detroit Rock City, and meeting girls in the Ladies Room, but apart from concerts, the hottest band in the world have not yet had an intimate encounter with the toxic waste capital of the world, until now.
The Sexy Armpit will now take you back to April 14th, 1990 courtesy of RustyBlade69, the awesome person who posted this super rare KISS footage on YouTube. These 2 performances are from the Hot in the Shade Tour which made its second stop at the Stone Pony in Asbury Park, NJ! At this show, KISS performed “Betrayed,” a track written by Gene and Tommy that has rarely (if ever) been performed since. The audience at The Pony that night were treated to an intimate KISS show full of classic KISS songs, and unknowingly Eric Carr’s last tour. Eric Carr will always be my favorite drummer and one of the best of all time. I’m thankful that concert footage like this will always be available so I can experience his thunderous drumming at my whim.
Darius Whiteplume from one of my favorite blogs, Adventures in Nerdliness gave me the hot tag on this one. The Dino Lounge started the meme and Retrospace aided and abetted. I’m supposed to tag some other bloggers now:
I went totally overboard. According to the title of this borderline fruitily titled meme, it’s intended to be limited to 20 men I admire, but once I started thinking about who I’d like to put on the list I wound up coming up with so many more. They aren’t listed in any specific order.
1) My Dad – He put up with all my bullshit for so many years. He’s taken me to countless wrestling events, KISS concerts, and cheesy movies. He’s supported me, shared in my enthisaism about stuff he probably really doesn’t care about, and always makes sure I have enough food in my fridge. When I was a kid the stuff he did seperated him from my friends dads and other father’s I came in contact with because he would go the extra mile. Every Friday night he’d bring me home a Super hero toy or an LJN wrestling figure and after dinner he’d spend the rest of the night playing action figures with me. On Saturday mornings he would even go so far as to be skeletor with the evil side of the power sword to my He-Man. The best times I shared with my dad were the times when we’d go on a trek to the comic book store, and then I’d help him pick up some groceries. It was simple but we’d talk about everything from The Beatles to the art of pool chlorination and filtration. My Dad is the man. Like Will Ferrel says at his wedding in Old School “…I love you Dad!”
2) Hugh Hefner – Sure it’s nice to have sex with thousands of the most beautiful women on earth at your whim, but there’s another aspect of Hugh that I respect even more and that’s his career. He completed his mission…OK well YES, he did complete his “mission” several thousand times but as far as journalism goes, Hugh is a legend. He transformed a periodical that was deemed pornographic and lewd into not only a worldwide multimillion dollar company, but what people forget is that Playboy is a serious magazine. It’s the pinnacle. I don’t write that to be tongue in cheek, I mean it in the way that Edgar Frog told Sam in The Lost Boys that Batman #14 “…is a serious book man.” Any aspiring journalist would shave their eyebrows and punch themselves in their ball sack for a chance to have even a minor blurb published in Playboy. Tons of men and women read the magazine. It features original fiction, serious news articles, and the BEST interviews you will read ANYWHERE on the planet; they’re better than any interview you’ll see on television or radio. Hugh has lived the life every man has dreamed of, and he’s lived the life every aspiring journalist has dreamed of to infinity.
3) Butch Walker – Butch had his 15 minutes of fame, or should I say 45 minutes of fame in the bands Southgang, Marvelous 3, and The Floyd’s. After going solo several years later he created his own independent label to release his music so he doesn’t have to deal with typical record label bullshit. Butch’s music has never received the accolades it deserves but he keeps doing what he’s the best at. He can write hit songs, play multiple instruments, and perfectly produce music. He’s in control of his own music which means his brilliant music can now be released from his brain to Pro Tools straight to his fans. Butch is also an highly sought after producer and has worked on albums with Avril Lavigne, Pink, The Donnas, All American Rejects ugh…Fall Out Boy, and literally a slew of others.
4) Kevin Smith The goal I had since I was about 8 years old was to become a film director. Once I got past filming a feature about a teen with alcohol addiction, and several years of backyard wrestling events, I moved on to making actual no-budget films. The majority of the shorts and features were comedic but I also made a thriller. During this time, Jersey guy Kevin Smith was hitting big with Clerks, and Mallrats and he reinforced my crazy idea. I thought maybe my aspirations weren’t as ridiculous as they sounded. Smith worked with a low budget on most of his films, put his friends in his films, and created his own View Askewniverse. My friends and family began to think I had more of a shot. Almost 15 years since Clerks, Kevin Smith is only getting better. If you haven’t seen Zack & Miri Make a Porno then GET IT! It’s hysterical! It hits stores on 2/3/09.
5) Johnny Depp – the best person to exist in the universe. I appreciate all of his performances: Jack Sparrow, Ichabod Crane, Cry-Baby, Glen Lantz, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka…etc.
6) Rob Zombie underneath his badass rock star disguise, he’s really a geeky horror movie lover. I’m anxiously awaiting his films Tyrannosaurus Rex and Halloween 2 and the White Zombie box set.
7) Slash – A couple of years after I stopped pretending I was Alex P. Keaton and Marty McFly, I began to go into “Saul Hudson” mode. I would put my GNR t-shirt on, (which I still have) and throw a black t-shirt over my head and pretended it was his hair. I didn’t have a top hat, but cut me some slack…I was 7. While everyone loved Axl and wanted to slink around like he did, I wanted to be the “guitarist with mystique” = Slash. You should definitely read his book if you are at all interested in hard rock from the ’80s.
8) Andy Samberg – Any sketch or digital short or musical piece he’s involved with usually amuses me to no end. Samberg’s Hot Rod gets frequent airtime on my iPod Classic.
9) James Franco – To say James Franco is talented and versatile is an understatement. He is a star. He’s the type of person that I admire because he’s just a laid back kind of guy. He’s hysterical in Pineapple Express, on SNL, and his skits on Funny or Die yet he can be very serious in films like Milk, James Dean, and the Spider Man series.
10) Sebastian Bach – When promoting his starring role in Broadway’s Jekyll and Hyde Sebastian always said he went “from Skid Row to Saville Row.” After Skid Row kicked him out or they broke up, Bach went out on his own. I consider his latest CD Angel Down one of the best hard rock/metal records in the past several years. I saw his performance in Jekyll and Hyde 3 times and it was literally enthralling. If you felt that Heath Ledger embodied the Joker in The Dark Knight, then you would definitely agree that Bach lost himself in the dual role. Bach even won CMT’s Country music competition “Gone Country.” Bach has a big enough name and such a superior voice that he calls the shots in his career. He doesn’t need Skid Row at all. I could care less if he acts like a big dork, he’s a real guy, a major fanboy, and he also lives in Jersey!
11) Seth Mcfarlane – a master of two of my favorite things: animation and voice acting.
12) Barack Obama – no matter your ethnicity or political party, Barack exhibits a natural demeanor, intelligence, and superior speaking skills that may help him go down in history as one of our great presidents.
13) Danny Devito – He’s f’n hysterical whether I’m watching Taxi or Always Sunny. Maybe not so much Tim Burton’s Penguin but I’ll forgive him on that one. Devito is from Neptune, New Jersey.
14) Jon Stewart – All news broadcasts should be cancelled and every channel should simulcast the daily show. It”s like Mary Poppins, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Stewarts humor and cool attitude make news more palatable. You can learn about the serious issues in the world while laughing your ass off.
15) Bobby Ewing – I’m not sure if fictional characters are allowed in this list but who cares?Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy) from Dallas was the classic good guy. He was smart, physically fit, and fiercely loving to his family. As perfect as he seemed, I always appreciated that his character was never without flaws. Bobby was a loose canon and would knock a guy out if he looked at him the wrong way. Most of all, he scored Pam who was super sexy fine.
16) Peter Billingsley – He went from shooting his eye out and wearing a pink bunny suit to producing, directing, and acting in a bunch of big hit movies. You’ll probably be watching him for 24 hours every year on Christmas for the rest of your life.
17) Lorne Michaels – Genius producer and former writer of SNL, (among other movies and television shows).
18) Brian De Palma – In a way, I consider Jersey guy De Palma a revivalist filmmaker. I appreciate his suspenseful tension build ups and how he creates an eerie atmosphere in some of his films. Rather than turn his back on us, he embraces his Jersey roots unlike so many others who “went Hollywood.”
19) Nikki Sixx – The epitome of rock star. He did so many drugs that he died for several seconds, came back, and rocked even harder. He wrote his own book and started several side projects such as Sixx A.M. Sixx has his own clothing line and has scored hot chicks like Donna D’errico and presently Kat Von D.
20) Ted McGinley – The most underrated actor ever. I wish Ted McGinley started to get leading roles in major motion pictures. Just like Tarantino revived Travolta’s career, I plan on morphing Ted into a phoenix.
21) Walt Disney – Disregarding the cash machine that Disney films and theme parks have become, Walt’s original vision was that of childlike wonder. A personal touch was always given by Walt when he used to introduce his own TV shows. He made you feel like you knew him personally. It’s truly amazing how his dream is still being carried out today. I doubt Disney will ever be the company it once was, but Walt’s genius and creativity will resonate forever.
22) Quentin Tarantino – I can’t say I live and die by his films, and I wouldn’t consider him an idol or anything, but I admire Tarantino for his “this is my film and I’m going to make it exactly the way I want it” attitude. Regardless of the fact that he makes films that may not be box office hits, he makes the movies HE WANTS TO SEE. That’s every filmmakers dream. His style and trademarks are borrowed from other eras but when you’re watching one of his films you know it’s Tarantino.
23) Jeff Hardy – It seems to be the time for hardcore fans to finally get their shot at the real deal. Jeff and his brother Matt grew up as hardcore wrestling fans. They wrestled non stop in their yard, cut promos, and filmed themselves. Once they made it to the big time it took several years for them to finally gain the respect they deserve. Jeff is presently the WWE champ and his brother is the ECW champ. From fans to backyard wrestlers to jobbers to WWE champs. It’s the new kind of “Do it yourself” fame. Hard work and dedication actually do pay off.
24) Dane Cook – Same goes for Dane Cook. I got to see him several years before anyone knew his name. Myspace didn’t even exist at the time. He promoted himself and he was in touch with his fans. He gave Hollywood and the media no option but to take notice of him. Through relentlessly touring comedy clubs all over the country and furiously gaining friends on Myspace, Dane carved his own place in comedy history.
25) David Robinson – One of my first real life heroes. David Robinson was a different type of player. He spoke eloquently, he was extremely intelligent, humble, and a standout center for the San Antonio Spurs. He wasn’t a cocky jerk on the court and he was very passionate about his family and religion. It seemed like David could’ve succeeded at anything. He’s retired now, but for many years he was a major role model of mine and even though I shot hoops every day of my life, I would never be a quarter as good as the admiral.
26) Howard Stern – The most influential personality in my entire life. When I was a kid, I would stay up late to watch the channel 9 show and used to record the radio broadcast when I was at school. He was a true inspiration for a radio geek like me.
27) Vince McMahon – The mad genius of the wrestling business. Think what you want about him, but know that the majority of people in the country would have no idea what WWF was if it wasn’t for Vince, his father’s vision, and his partnership with Terry Bollea in the early ’80s.
28) Gene Simmons – I know it’s the most unpopular answer since everyone thinks he’s such a heel but if you think about it, he’s pretty much one of the coolest guys on the planet. His character of the Demon has permeated every facet of pop culture. Should we really fault a guy for his maniacal business savvy? If people keep buying, he’ll keep selling. Don’t you think we’re the culprits?
29) William Zabka – You know him to show “No Mercy.” He’s been called Johnny Lawrence, Greg Tolan, Chas, and Jack from European Vacation. Zabka’s one of the most notorious jerk in all of movies, perhaps only 2nd to Spader.
Others that would’ve made the list if I the title was 50 Men I Admire: Will Ferrel, Michael J Fox, Frank Lloyd Wright, George Carlin, Judd Apatow, Michael Keaton, Mickey Rourke,Bruce Springsteen, Sylvester Stallone, Stanley Kubrick, Bruce Willis
Mining through my parents vinyl LP collection was something I did often as a kid. On a summer weekday morning when my parents were working and my sister was yapping on the phone in her room, I’d be gazing in wonderment as I opened a colorful gatefold record sleeve.
A few of my favorite albums to look at were The Beatles’ Greatest Hits The Red Album 1962-1966, The Blue Album 1967-1970, and the Bee Gee’s Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack, simply because I thought they looked ridiculous (this coming from a kid who at the time thought Brutus Beefcake and Jesse “The Body” Ventura were the epitome of cool.) I was also mesmerized by every other album in their vast collection ranging from Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw to Sinatra and Streisand. I’d also feel remiss if I left out the free Christmas albums they got from the gas stations.
Discovering music in this paleontological way was risky. What if I scratched one of their records? I’d feel terrible and they’d immediately know it was me since I was the only “hi-fi curious” one in the household. In subsequent visits to my parents record collection, which resided in a shelf under the stereo components, I made sure I was extra careful. Once I got the courage to actually put a record on the turntable, I placed the needle ever so gingerly onto the groove of the record. I may have had my first heart attack at that tender young age when I heard the record playing on the wrong speed. After my ears nearly bled, and I almost soiled myself, I was convinced that I ruined their pristine records. Seconds later, I figured out what the problem was.
The album was released in 1968…so what? I was a little kid and the music sounded fresh and rocking to me. All their big ones were on here, including “Good Lovin’,” “How Can I Be Sure,” “It’s Wonderful,” “Groovin’,” “I’ve Been Lonley Too Long,” “Mustang Sally,” and “You Better Run.” What made listening to the album a complete sensory experience was that I could hold the album and stare at the comic strip style cover art that featured each member of the band. I remember wondering to myself “which one of them is singing?” during each song I listened to. It was almost 20 years later and The Rascal’s music sounded upbeat and made me feel like jumping around. What made them even cooler was that I remembered that my mother told me how a couple of members of The Rascals went to her high school and hung out in town before they were famous. (Eddie Brigati and Dino Danelli are both from Jersey.) In Bruce Eder’s All Music.com review of Time Peace, he writes “Arguably the greatest greatest hits album of the ’60s. A White-Soul classic.”
I had no idea that Wonder Woman was such a filthy, whorish, slutbag. Sitting comically on a shelf at the nearest Five Below, Wonder Woman takes the form of some sort of bath foam. For that extra shot of perversity, Wonder Woman squirts, spurts, and regurgitates “crazy foam” in a completely blatant display of nerdcore porn. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen foamy soaps done superhero style, but in this case, we can place Wonder Woman “Crazy Foam” at the top of the peak of all children’s bath foam canisters. In a glaring contrast, I’m pulling for the KISS camp to license a Gene Simmons can that spews red shave gel. It may actually make me look forward to shaving and unlike this Wonder Woman can, it would be highly appropriate.
Don’t you wonder who over at DC Comics was responsible for the Wonder Woman Crazy Foam Canister getting a huge green AUTHORIZED stamp? While drunk at the DC licensing party, I wonder if some of the hornier employees approved the proposal for a Fleshlight “Wonder Woman’s Mouth” special edition. Some lonely guys out there would probably kill for one. Picture Princess Diana’s head on this canister about 10 times the size and I think you’ll be in business. Notice she has a big hole shot through the back of her head?
Here’s the trailer for DC Comic’s upcoming Wonder Woman Animated movie:
How many times have you heard the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce? I for one have heard it so many times that it makes me wonder why people get married in the first place. I take Gene Simmons stance on the subject, he remains “happily unmarried.” One of the most prominent reasons for rampant divorce is infidelity. Even the model husband is still not exempt from having his will power melted by some hot lingerie clad minx who’s bent on bedding him down.
Take the sexily milfish Joan (Ann Jillian) from Mr. Mom for instance. Her character was a divorcee whose main excitement consisted of grocery shopping, male revues, playing poker for coupons, and gossipping about daytime soaps. She didn’t fly into fiery jealous fits of rage and she never tried to make Jack’s wife Caroline’s life a living hell. She was slick and subtly made herself an accessible part of Jack’s life. Caroline wasn’t present that often in the household while she was pursuing her career, so Joan took advantage of a perfect opportunity to steal Jack’s affections away from her. She planned to be everything Caroline wasn’t. Unlike Caroline, Joan was enticed by Jack for who he was. She liked his beard, his old flannel shirt, and the fact that he gained a little bit of weight: “I like a man with a little meat on his bones.”
It wasn’t long before Jack had a dream involving Joan seducing him. We all know that’s the first step in realizing you want to bang someone. Let’s face it though, considering how thick she laid on the seduction sauce, it would’ve been pretty damn easy for Jack to fall into her clam trap. Alas, in the film Jack wakes up and the viewers can rest assured that it was only a dream. Don’t worry, our male-mom hero hasn’t cheated on his loyal wife. But has he?
The FBI agents here at The Sexy Armpit took a trip to the archives to view footage from the cutting room floor of Mr. Mom, and we found some interesting evidence. Actually, what we came across was more of a sex tape. Believe it or not folks, long before the days of Pam and Tommy, and Paris and Rick, Jack and Joan made a sex tape. Unfortunately, I do not have lawful clearance to show the footage to you, but I can clue those in who have an insatiable lust for the juicy tidbits: There was tons of anal.
Would you have been able to resist Ann Jillian knocking at your door, then opening her trench coat to reveal some sexy lingerie? Are you sure? She was ready to tend to Jack’s every want and need. I’m sure whatever fantasy he conjured up in his head she would’ve made it happen, after all, she was the original desperate housewife.
It wasn’t until recently when I made the connection and started gathering evidence to make my case. I realized that a few years later, in the 1989 film The ‘Burbs we have living, breathing proof of the Jack and Joan liaison in the headbanging neighbor, Ricky Butler. Ricky lived in Mayfield Place and relished in watching the hijinks his neighbors got themselves into. Just by his physical appearance I noticed the similarities Ricky had to Jack and Joan.
I’m back from Disney World and I’ll definitely fill you in on the details of the trip within the next few days or so! I hope everyone enjoyed their Halloween extravaganzas! I must say, I had a lot of fun this year doing the countdown and getting my costume together. Thanks to everyone who stopped by and to all the awesome bloggers out there who put up killer posts throughout the entire month!
I’ve dressed up as Gene Simmons from KISS many times in the past, but this year I decided to get the group together and do a Dressed to Kill album cover theme. It’s always fun to dress up as The Demon because the women LOVE it and it’s pretty bad ass. Most of all, it’s fun because people are in awe and even a bit scared at the same time. If you aren’t familiar with KISS then the makeup is pretty menacing. The group went to terrorize The Breakfast Club in Old Bridge, NJ. Here are some pics taken on Halloween night:
Eating this Russell Stover milk chocolate orange marshmallow pumpkin was a strange moment in my life.
A close friend of mine codename: Ace Johnson recently posted a comment on my MySpace page that said “Jay loves pumpkin orgasms in his mouth.” I can’t deny it. I’m in a marshmallow pumpkin state of mind. This marshmallow happens to have used spray on tan. So what?
Occasionally a certain food or drink does something in your mouth that’s unexpected. Unless you try new food and beverages every day, it’s nearly impossible to be surprised by foods or feel like your presence has been altered by them in some way. A cheeseburger tastes like a cheesburger every time you enjoy one. Each time you eat a burger you know what to expect unless it’s on a different type of roll, has fruit roll-ups on it instead of lettuce, or it’s slathered in some special sauce that you have never tasted. The experience is usually pretty similar to the previous.
If you can say that your mouth has engaged in a sexual experience with a marshmallow pumpkin on more than one occasion, then that’s definitely something you’d want to Twitter.
I’m sure you hear about a lot of new products hitting the shelves. There’s new sodas that have lime infusions, or vanilla flavoring. There’s even new potato chips that taste like baby back ribs, while others have guacamole flavoring. In my time on earth I don’t recall ever hearing about a chocolate covered pumpkin that featured orange flavored marshmallow filling. Someone on LSD must’ve thought this combo up. It makes sense though…a pumpkin is orange, hence the marshmallow inside the choclate pumpkin should taste…ORANGEY! I found my previous interaction with a chocolate marshmallow pumpkin to be quite enjoyable regardless of the fact that the actual pumpkin looked more like a shit dumpling than a pumpkin. Rest assured, Russell Stover has presented a more accurate choco-pumpkin than the non-orange Hershey’s counterpart. They should be proud!
I sliced into the well formed choco-pumpkin with a semi sharp knife, as not to bruise the dainty treat. BEHOLD! Inside lies the most ooey-gooey bright orange marshmallow filling EVER!
It was time to do what I always do when I come in close contact with a chocolate pumpkin that has orange marshmallow filling, why that would be lick it up and down to make sure I can capture the flavor properly…of course!
I follow that up with a circular motion and then I do some fancy moves that Gene Simmons taught me. The pumpkin was so into it. I said to my little orange pumpkin “I know you like that you’re a little nasty choco pumpkin aren’t you? Naturally, it was delighted and begged and pleaded for me to insert itself further into my mouth.
Sinking my teeth into the soft, wet, mushy, orange center was a delight. Having the chocolate crumble into and mash together with the fluffy orangeshmallow while it was being chomped about felt like a flavor mushroom cloud exploding right inside my mouth.
It was a strange moment in my life.
And I didn’t fake it.
For me, one of the appealing nuances of Scooby Doo was how the show incorporated reality by featuring real life guest celebrities. The Scooby Doo movies captured that idea superbly featuring everyone from the Monkees’ Davy Jones to Sonny & Cher. More recently, the episode of What‘s New Scooby New, “A Scooby Doo Halloween” features KISS’ Paul Stanley lending his voice to an animated version of himself. The gang is on another adventure in the Mystery Machine when Shaggy explains how excited he can’t wait to be “Rockin’ with KISS.”
Here KISS is playing a masquerade ball in honor of Banning Junction’s 100th anniversary. The animated KISS performs “Shout It Out Loud” which naturally gets interrupted by a wacky ghost chase.
ACE: What should we do?
PAUL: What we always do, keep playin ’til the cops come!
Shaggy: Im going to ask Paul Stanley to sign my forehad!
Scooby: Me too!
The gang also has a run in with some rabid robotic pumpkin headed scarecrows who shoot flames from their eyeholes and wield sickles!
Scooby certainly has other quasi-KISS ties. While “the phantom” in the episode of The Scooby Doo Show entitled “The Diabolical Disc Demon” isn’t referred to as Gene Simmons, his appearance is blatantly similar. Think of him as Gene Simmons with flaming hair and an Evel Knievel costume.
The gang goes to watch their friend Jimmy Lewis record in the studio at Decade records. They find out that songwriter Tony Signs has disappeared. He mysteriously left a song behind that he wrote.
FRED: What’s this about a phantom Jimmy?
JIMMY: It’s just a legend Fred. Something about a ghostly musician who wanders these
corridors seeking vengeance against those who ruined his career.
Even though he’s simply referred to as “The Phantom,” I can’t help but think about how KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK was also produced by Hanna Barbera. Did they have a hard on for KISS or what? How much ass would a Hanna Barbera KISS cartoon kick? I know I sure as hell wouldn’t mind watching one right now.
Here “The Phantom” looks like he’s doing the Ickey Shuffle until he’s found out to be washed up glam rocker Ace Decade. As for Scooby, a paper airplane made from sheet music saved his ass this time.