It’s finally here! THE SEXY ARMPIT HALLOWEEN SPECIAL 2016 is now LIVE and available for viewing at www.YouTube.com/TheSexyArmpit
I hope you enjoy the 5th installment of our horror/comedy. It’s an eerie and insane delight that will enhance your Halloween season. You’ll see the Sexy Armpit crew as well as plenty of guest stars and favorites. If you haven’t watched the previous installments, I suggest you do so! It’s way more fun to see the often bizarre evolution of these specials. As always, I truly thank everyone who watches these specials because it means a lot! If you enjoy it, please share it on social media or you can even tell a friend in real life, if you’re into that sort of thing! Happy Halloween from The Sexy Armpit! Mwahahahahaaaaa!
So, this is it. We are here. It’s October!
I’m sitting at my desk with the window cracked open. I’m literally being blasted with cool fall wind and it feels awesome. There’s apparently a hurricane developing, so that’s added to the ambience of the last few days. I also cleaned my disaster of a desk to get me prepped for the season. A pumpkin candle is blazing and I just ate a bag of Japanese Frito-Lay Halloween Pack bat-shaped thingies and I’m now primed to provide you with an official Sexy Armpit Halloween Special update: You can join us if you tune in at 8pm ET on October 7th, 2016!
Tell us about The Sexy Armpit Halloween Special this year.
As many of you know, each year I produce a Halloween special for our YouTube page. This year, I’m proud to tell you that this will be our 5th installment. I pour pretty much every bit of life I have into these annual videos. During production, everything and everyone in my life gets pretty much ignored from start to finish usually. My bills stack up. I neglect the gym. All I think about is the special. Ultimately, my main inspiration, aside from the desire to make it the best special it can be, is Halloween.
Halloween is everything. There are memes that always say Halloween is year round, and obviously Ministry sang about it being everyday, but realistically, the season happens once a year. It’s fleeting. Capturing the essence is vital to appreciating it in the moment. Once it’s November, it seems like the non-Hallo-freaks have moved on. If you breezed through the season, without truly memorializing it, all you can do at that point is be bummed and pissed at yourself for not soaking up as much horror and pumpkin guts as you could. Of course, I watch Horror all year long, and am obsessed with Halloween throughout the year, but that’s what makes this time of year special. All the stuff I love is magnified x1000. That’s why I tried my damnedest to get the special done fairly early this year.
Would it be possible for me to actually enjoy the season without killing myself making a short film AND trying to put together Halloween costume? I figured if I got a little bit of a jump on things, I wouldn’t have to be feverishly editing until the witching hour. While I’m still putting the finishing touches on it currently, it’s nearly ready for public consumption. The head start actually granted me some extra time to put a teaser trailer together too, something I didn’t have the time to do previously for any of my videos. You can watch the teaser above if you haven’t already!
This year, the Halloween Special is quite different than anything you’ve seen from us before.
As I rewind several months, I recall a hot June afternoon in downtown New York City. I had set up a meeting with Louie Cortes, a New York filmmaker (his company is New Needle Productions), and a fellow Halloween and horror freak. Louie and I had been following each other on social media for a long time and not only did we have a lot of friends in common, but we’ve traveled in the same circles, attended the same conventions, and plain and simple, share a ton of the same obsessions.
There was a two-fold reason for me reaching out to Louie. First, I just couldn’t keep looking at his Instagram and watching his short films on his YouTube without finally shooting the shit with him over a beer. Secondly, I wanted to pick his brain about his filmmaking process. In my constant pursuit of trying to improve my output, I figured I could probe Louie’s brain to see if he could shed some light on a few questions I had regarding how the pros do things.
Aside from some advice, and a few laughs, I honestly didn’t expect much to come of our meeting. When it comes to my own creative endeavors, I like to do things my way. That’s pretty common amongst creative people from what I’ve seen, but I’d never really thought of the possibility of collaborating before. Sure, I have friends who help with the show in many ways, but ultimately, it’s always my baby. I like to see it through. I’d never entertained the idea of a collaboration because I hadn’t spoken to anyone who wound up being serious or followed through on their claims. I’ve been asked many times by people if they could appear in or help out with the show, but often, they wind up flaking out when they find out how much work is involved. Fortunately, a legit collaboration was actually on the horizon.
Louie and I met at this punk bar downtown and had a few drinks. It was one of those meetings that, if we ever did hit it big and became famous one day in some kind of insane fantasy world, this is the type of story that we’d be able to share when being interviewed. It’s like those legendary stories you hear about how Madonna gave her demo tape to a DJ at a club in NYC. It was just a simple meeting that has already kicked into high gear. When we met up that day I seriously had no clue that by the end of the summer we’d be much closer friends and have basically all the footage for my Halloween special filmed. Needless to say, I’m glad we met up! Louie is on point with his work and also an exceptional dude. We’ve already discussed more possible projects on the horizon, but for now, I’ll concentrate on the present.
So, what exactly makes this year’s Halloween Special so different than previous years?
First and foremost, Louie’s production company New Needle Productions handled the filming of the majority of the special. The shot composition, lighting, and high quality of the video stemmed from Louie’s expertise and all added a completely fresh take on what The Sexy Armpit Show really is all about. It looks so damn good! Louie did a kick ass job and he’s a total pro. A huge thanks goes out to him.
The vastly improved visual aspect helps bring the horror/thriller storyline to life. Of course, it’s still complete nonsense and an all out horror-comedy, but there’s a pretty intriguing story in there…one that hasn’t yet been explored in our videos. In fact, not to spoil anything, but in this one you’ll witness a major shakeup at Sexy Armpit HQ that could have repercussions on the future of the show!
What I’m most proud of is the fact that we keep improving each year. To me, there’s no point in doing the same thing every year because that’s boring. This time around, the special is pretty batshit and just the right kind of whacked out that you need to enhance your Halloween season. You’ll see some awesome cameos and familiar faces as you’ve seen in previous installments, but, trust me, this is a whole different ball game. With all that said, I don’t want to give up any spoilers, so you can watch for yourself on 10/7!
As always, I want to send out another giant thank you to the cast Miss Sexy Armpit @MissSexyArmpit, Mike Wirth a.k.a @IdiotAtPlay, Holly Knapp @Frankenholly, Jeff Somogyi @Sommerjam, Dari Mehl, Frank Campisi, and Lauren Wirth @TheNerdyPumpkin. Everyone did a bang up job again this year and each cast member brings so much to the table. By understanding my bizarre mind, they make it easy for me to bring the stories to life. It might sound like I’m making these specials sound more monumental than they actually are, but that’s how important they are to me.
Make The Sexy Armpit Halloween Specials a part of your Halloween Viewing!
Even though I make these videos, I still have fun watching them too. They become these warped video yearbooks to look back on. Each year, I usually suggest trying to incorporate a viewing of any or all of The Sexy Armpit Halloween Specials into your seasonal viewing. For example, if you plan on watching Poltergeist or Halloween, use our Hallowen special as a funny lead-in. Maybe throw in a Halloween cartoon as well! I know you all can pull YouTube up on your TVs and the best way to enjoy these videos is on your big TV with all your Halloween lights and decorations in full effect. Get some candy corn and pumpkin beer and really feel the season. If you do this, take a pic and post it somewhere on social media, that will help us get the word out! If you want to thank us or support us in any way, the best way is to get more eyes on it and for that we thank you!
I’m proud of what my crew and New Needle accomplished together. These Hallowen Specials are truly comprised of passion and hard work. The only compensation we receive from these videos is you, our friends, fans, readers, viewers and social media companions, getting a kick out of watching them. Sure, it would be nice to be funded one day, but there’s nothing that satisfies me more knowing that a good portion of you were able to sit back and have some laughs for a brief spell during your Halloween celebrations. That is what makes me want to continue, otherwise, I’d be laying around like a lump watching mediocre horror movies on Amazon Prime.
As I was saying at the start, it’s October. It’s officially here! It’s time to start working on your costume, decorating, and planning your Halloween viewing for the month and hopefully The Sexy Armpit Halloween Special can be a part of it!
The Purple Stuff Podcast returns with more audible Halloween goodness!
In this episode, we continue with a theme that we had fun with on a previous episode, Not Your Average Scares! These are things that might freak you out, but it’s not necessarily something blatantly or traditionally scary. This is not us stating “Michael Myers scared us a kids,” no way, these are the types of things that you may not even remember creeping you out, but at one point they did, and they may even still creep you out today.
We came up with a whole new set of these offbeat scares and you’ll probably be able to relate to a good amount of them. Included in this episode: scary drug PSAs, a whacked out music video, a creepy ass doll, and a scary Snow White book. All that and we also taste test the Garlic Doritos from Japan! Please join us and feel free to drop any of your offbeat scares in the comments!
Thank you for listening and sharing the podcast, it’s very much appreciated!
For double the Purple Stuff, scroll down to the bottom of the post for info on our exclusive bonus show!
Let me take a second to measure the Halloween vibe. There’s pumpkin products a plenty at the grocery store. We’ve got the new Blair Witch movie on the way. Unfortunately, it’s still hitting 90 degrees around here, so we here in the tri-state area have a little bit longer to wait for the true Autumn feel to come over us. Meanwhile, as the Halloween season starts to take shape, Matt and I are back with a NEW episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast for you!
In this episode, we bring you another set of Spooky Songs! This is a subject we adore as indicated by the fact that this is already the 3rd volume of songs that we’ve compiled! Next thing you know you’ll be able to pick one of our CD compilations up at the checkout counter at the nearest Hallmark store! You can have this one without even venturing outside though. Join us as we discuss the finer points of songs from The Lost Boys soundtrack and the Nightmare on Elm Street Franchise, among many others! As usual, you can get the show on iTunes, Stitcher, and Podbean. Please subscribe and if you enjoy the show, leave us some good feedback! Thanks for listening and reading!
BONUS PURPLE STUFF!
And if you are still craving more of The Purple Stuff Podcast, we’ve got something very cool for you. Recently, you might remember that we fielded your questions on social media for possible future usage. With these questions, Matt and I recorded a super special bonus Q&A episode of the show! This episode contains randomly chosen questions that you sent us and we talk about everything from toys and cartoons to movies and monster cereals. We’ve been asked so many times about how friends and listeners can help support the show and this is an awesome way of doing it because you get an actual exclusive episode in return! This is our first bonus episode and it’s $3.99 and can be paid through Paypal. Once your payment processes, you’ll receive the password protected link so you can listen to the show anytime you want. Click below and you’ll be directed to payment link on Dinosaur Dracula with further info! Thanks for your support of The Purple Stuff!
After a brief break, The Purple Stuff Podcast is back! We’re ushering in our specialty, our absolute favorite time of the year, the Halloween Season! If you are just getting into the show, you can subscribe to us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Podbean among others! We appreciate your support. Spread the word if you enjoy listening! Now, let me tell you what we have in store for you in Episode 32.
Horrific and disturbing scenes from movies is the topic in our latest show. To kickoff the season for the PSP, we delve into those unsettling parts in movies that stuck with us and even made us creeped out enough to want to talk about them. Consider it a therapy session. Matt and I bring you our take on scenes ranging from Halloween to Robocop 2…seriously. It was a blast as always and we hope you have fun listening.
We cannot wait to get deeper into the season and bring you along for the ride. This is only the beginning! Thanks again for subscribing and leaving us all those awesome reviews, you guys kick ass!
On the new Purple Stuff Podcast, Matt and I go back to 1988!
In our latest installment of our ongoing series of “year flashbacks,” we’ve determine that ’88 is a totally underrated year!
In 1988 I was completely enthralled by Miss Elizabeth’s diversion in the main event at Summerslam, I was obsessed with License to Drive, and going to the comic book store every weekend. On top of all that, at my house we were always blasting Bon Jovi’s New Jersey album (obvs) and Poison’s Open Up and Say…Ahh! You might think ’88 is easily overlooked, but as we point out in this Purple Stuff episode, it’s a surprisingly fun year filled with so much awesome nostalgia that you may have forgotten about.
There’s something for everyone in this week’s episode. Topics include movies like Elvira Mistress of the Dark and Scrooged as well as old cereal, a certain coveted lunch snack, and a couple of lines of action figures. It’s another fun episode not to be missed!
Do you have any specific things that stick out in your mind from 1988? Let us know in the comments!
As always, thank you for listening to the show and if you haven’t subscribed yet, please do so! Look for us wherever you listen to your podcasts. The best ways to keep our showing going are to spread the word on social media as well as leaving reviews on iTunes! Every little bit helps! We appreciate all of your help and support.
I refuse to apologize for relishing in this full-on Ghostbusters renaissance we’re living in. When you’re chugging 2 cans of Ecto Cooler like they’re Steveweisers, kneeling before a towering homemade altar of symmetrically stacked Twinkie boxes, and floating on bags upon bags of fluffy, heavenly Ghostbusters Marshmallows, this type of euphoria demands that you get a sample of it like Venkman got that mucus. We’ve got new action figures, new Hot Wheels, a new Tobin’s Spirit Guide, new Ectoplazm, and who the hell knows what else is on the horizon! Regardless of what you think of the new Ghostbusters movie, this is a magical time and shame on you if you’re letting it speed passed you like the subway ghost. In the world of The Sexy Armpit, I’m soaking it all up and appreciating every aspect. The premiere of GB2016 is upon us, and in honor of it, I’m going to show you how I’ve been savoring even more Ghostbusters shenanigans.
MADAME TUSSAUD’S GHOSTBUSTERS EXPERIENCE
There’s no better place in the world to celebrate Ghostbusters than its birthplace, New York City. Fortunately, there are a slew of Ghostbusters themed things to do in the city that are guaranteed to elevate this tremendous moment in time for you. Perhaps you want to do a self-guided tour of the filming locations from the original two Ghostbusters films? Or maybe you feel like waxin’ nostalgic, literally?
We had tickets to Madame Tussaud’s Ghostbusters Experience and man was I pumped for it! By rights, a wax museum should technically be a pretty spooky place, although Madame’s is a family attraction in Times Square, so I knew I wasn’t going to have my Batman boxers scared off me. Posing with a bunch of wax statues of Ghostbusters characters did sound like a blast, but it was how they sweetened the deal that hooked me…BIG TIME. I bought all the tickets way in advance, mainly because of how seduced I was by Ghostbuters Dimension: A Hyper Reality Experience. This is an interactive virtual reality game where I would actually become a Ghostbuster, obviously the true selling point of this whole affair, let’s be real.
It was a hot, humid day in midtown Manhattan. The sky was gray and, no joke, there was a tornado watch for the NY/NJ area. I had just started a long holiday weekend. The stage was set for a great day full of Ghostbusters fun. We just had to make it to Madame Tussaud’s in time for the 1pm tickets we had. Traffic in New York City that day was completely crazy. We got there with a few minutes to spare to shovel some fast food down our throats and then head inside.
Once we made our way into the venue. I was snapping dopey selfies with J-Lo as if she wasn’t meticulously carved out of wax. A couple more mandatory selfies with Frankenstein and The Mummy for good measure, then it was onto the Ghostbusters display!
Backdrops and motifs from the new movie were replicated and designed for photo ops. The coolest display featured Holtzmann (Kate McKinnon) in a lab fixing up one of her proton packs. It was a no-brainer, a real Kodak moment:
Next up we saw the statues of Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy. They were all extremely lifelike, yet I felt like there could have been a bit more to the wax display area. A giant wax VIGO perhaps? Or staying in line with the new movie, what about Rowan? Then, that ugly little spud, Slimer, was roaming around projecting himself in fog machine clouds. It was awesome to see a walk through like this even though it wasn’t too extensive.
We finally wound up at the queue for the virtual reality experience. We showed our tickets and hopped on line. Immediately, we started to overhear several people in front of us complaining about how long they were waiting, which didn’t bode well. We were there pretty early in the day and there had already been a host of problems. Minutes later, one of the Tussad’s employees came over and started to run interference by making small talk with all of us waiting on line. She started to explain that there was some technical difficulties that they were trying to figure out.
We experienced the small talk distraction several times throughout the rest of our excruciatingly long wait. I guess it’s comparable to waiting for a ride at a theme park, almost being the next one to hop on the ride, but then the ride breaks down. The thing is, we didn’t expect a virtual reality game to have this kind of time consuming maintenance. We tried to give it a pass since it was the first day, but apparently it had worked well for the recent press preview.
In the end, we waited about 3 hours to finally catch some ghosts. I wanted to refrain from continuing to describe how hot and annoying it was to wait on this line for so long, and how just as we thought things were looking up, our anticipation was squashed once again. You can imagine how sucky it is to assume you had tickets for 1pm and then having to either A) accept them turning you away with a refund B) rescheduling you for another day or C) or toughing it out and waiting 3 hours. We chose the latter. We came, we saw, we kicked its ass…eventually.
Suiting up was a weird, confusing process. We went through the whole production of putting on the helmet, headset, vest and proton pack, and after being sent to the area where we’re about to begin, we were asked to go back to the suit-up area and take everything off and get into a whole other set of the same equipment. Were they f’n serious with this? This was getting ridiculous. Considering all the crap we waited through to get to that point, they really should’ve had their shit together.
After our second suit-up, we were ready to go! This time, it was for real. A VR viewer in the helmet dropped down over our eyes and made everything appear to each of us as if we were literally in a VR Ghostbusters world. It was incredible. I looked over at Miss Sexy Armpit and she looked like Winston Zeddemore, which is even more comical because she has no idea who that is. The light went on and we were able to head inside to start the game. We walked through a few different rooms where we had to blast a bunch of ghosts which felt just about as real as it will ever get.
The ghosts were so vivid. There was a moment where we were in a small elevator and a little Samara-looking girl phased her way into the elevator with us. Our proton packs were locked at that point for safety, because we’d probably wind up blasting the shit out of each other. Then, we headed into a library and that’s where business really picked up. You know what I’m talking about! Ultimately, we found ourselves out on the ledge of a high rise in New York City. The skies looked like they did back at the end of the original film, before Gozer graced us with her presence. The ledge was literally shaking and we had to blast an onslaught of ghosts while maintaining our balance. Moments later, we took part in the biggest finale that you could possibly imagine. Let’s just say we had to take down a big sailor. It was incredible. The strong scent of marshmallows wafted up our noses as we celebrated our triumph over these elusive entities.
I’d love to do it all again when they work out the kinks. I’d happily pay even more if they made it more like an interactive RPG where there’s more of a story and it goes for about 25 minutes. That would absolutely be worth a 3 hour wait.
If you’ve ever wanted to live out the ghost catching process that you see in the Ghostbusters films and cartoons, as it stands, this is the only way to do it. It was so much fun! Some people go to therapy sessions to work out their problems, others go to masseuses to ease their stress and pain, but I’m telling you, if I could do Ghostbusters virtual reality every Friday night, I might be the happiest son of a B there ever was. I’d march right over to Lincoln Center and twirl around like a silly goofball.
DAVE AND BUSTER’S GHOSTBUSTERS COCKTAILS
The Ghostly fun wasn’t done. Not by a long shot. I wasn’t going to give up now. Ever since I saw all the hoopla about the fancy Ghostbusters drinks and games at Dave and Buster’s, I needed to experience it for myself. Unfortunately, there’s no D&B in New Jersey, which is unfathomable since we literally have everything else in this state. As we walked outside we realized, DUH, D&B is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to Madame Tussaud’s! It couldn’t have worked out better. It’s Miller Time!
There’s no way I can’t use this: Dave and Buster’s was a BUST. We asked the bartenders about the GB cocktails and slushie and they started in on a long tangent about how they barely have any of the ingredients. At this point, they had only been available for a couple of weeks at most. “We’re out of the gummy worms, so we’d have to substitute them with gummy bears, and there’s no glowing ice cubes,” so this roughly translates to “we can make you a drink, but it won’t be Ghostbusters themed in any way nor resemble the picture on the bar.” After that debacle, I asked about the slushie and they didn’t even have the slushies at all so things were looking bleak.
The last stand would be the new 2-player seated Ghostbusters arcade game. There was a bunch of kids hoarding the game and who am I to rob them of some good old fashioned Ghostbusters fun? I was just happy to see kids so into a Ghostbusters game, so we called it a day.
It was a frustrating day yet the VR game really saved it for me. Then, to top it off, we hopped on the wrong train home, but luckily realized it before it was too late. When we finally got on the right one, we both conked out until we reached home.
ECTO COOLER/CUT GRASS COCKTAIL (BARF!)
As I mentioned, the long weekend was in its early stages. Next up, our Ghostbusters itinerary took us to Atlantic City and then Wildwood.
A bunch of us including Matt from Dino Drac, Will from Casserole of Disaster, and Juggernauts Cave were all hanging out in our hotel room in A.C with the ladies. Juggernaut asks us if we want to try this vodka that supposedly smells and tastes like freshly cut grass. The answer my inner monologue replied with was “why the f*ck would we want to do that?” Matt seemed a lot more intrigued by it, whereas I felt that the idea of it was completely awful.
In the end, the freshly cut grass vodka won out because we rationalized it. We had a ton of Ecto Cooler in the room, a beverage that is green, and grass is green so why the hell wouldn’t we mix the two? Juggernaut poured us all up some of the bizarre concoction and it was every bit as disgusting as you could imagine. But it did allow us to shoehorn in another interesting moment from our long list of Ghostbusters memories from 2016, but it didn’t make up for missing out on the Dave and Buster’s dranks.
STAY PUFT PLUSH AND GHOSTBUSTER ARCADE GAME
Living in Jersey, no summer is complete without multiple trips to the boardwalk. Even though it’s a prerequisite, it’s still a pain in the ass sometimes. Heading down to Wildwood on the freaking 4th of July may have been another one of my dumber ideas, but I have to say, we pulled it off.
This was a memorable day. It was sweltering and Wildwood was insanely mobbed with people. There was traffic and parking fees ranged from $60 dollars to over $100! If you didn’t mind walking a bit, and coincidentally had a ton of quarters, you could grab street parking for a couple of hours. Thanks to Will for making sure the meter didn’t run out! We had a few drinks, missed out on catching up with The Sewer Den, and we ate ‘roided up Mozzarella sticks! These babies were literally 3 times the size of your average mozzarella stick, much tastier, and not soggy whatsoever. Basically, if I were ever to create one of those Atkins Diet plans, it would be the Armpit diet and it would only include giant-sized fried cheese sticks with marinara sauce.
Miraculously, even more Ghostbusters memories were created. I hope you didn’t think you had to read 35,000 words and not get a mention of those rigged Wildwood boardwalk crane machines. I don’t gamble, but I do enjoy the crane machines. I blame Dinosaur Dracula for this. I always felt they were way too frustrating and I used to pump way too much money into them, but I’ve come to embrace how much fun they really are.
We found a couple of Ghostbusters crane machines and I did the $5 dollar option. On my last attempt, I grabbed a Stay Puft plush with the claw and dropped him right into the hole. That was a big win for me since I’m never successful on those. Winning a GB plush during this summer filled with Ghostbusters nostalgia couldn’t be any cooler. Well, it actually got slightly cooler. As I glanced further into the arcade we were in, I noticed the new Ghostbusters game that I missed out on at Dave and Buster’s! It was fate. That game was basically the same thing as Pokemon Go, except you blast ping pong balls at the ghosts. You use this steering wheel to lock onto your ghosts and blast them, and then a ping pong ball pops out and hit them. It’s weirdly awesome. The graphics were excellent, but the game is over super fast. Play this for the novelty factor and to add another fun activity to the gobs of Ghostbusters we’re able to partake in this summer.
RAY PARKER JR. ON ABC’S GREATEST HITS
It’s not too late, you still have a time left to dive into your own Ghostbusters activities, especially considering that the GB love-fest will likely continue all the way through Halloween. But for now, really let this summer sink in. We live in a world where Ray Parker Jr. arrived in an Ecto-1 surrounded by a troupe of female Ghostbuster dancers and performed the Ghostbusters theme song on a show called Greatest Hits on ABC. IS THIS REAL LIFE? He sounded frigging amazing as if it was 1984 all over again. I’ve watched it 8 times (click the pic above for the link). This summer of Ghostbusters is like a magnificent feast of Chinese food…make sure you slow down and savor it!
Adults traversing their entire state chasing down juice boxes is normal right? Who knew we’d be grown ass adults searching feverishly for a tiny box of green juice that we used to bring in our lunch boxes as kids. It makes sense though, it’s sort of similar to finding the fountain of youth. Ecto Cooler hasn’t been on store shelves in so long that having the opportunity to suck that ectoplazmic green elixir out of that beautifully retro Hi-C container is worth going to the ends of the earth for, or in my case, New Jersey. And I pretty much did just that. Those color changing Ecto Cooler cans were procured on a wild goose chase that you can hear on a recent Purple Stuff Podcast, but the elusive juice boxes were still, well…eluding me. By the time you read this, you’ll probably have gulped down 3-4 cases of juice boxes already, but let me tell you about the night that I finally found them.
Ever since I was in my teens I had a season pass to Six Flags Great Adventure. I can’t say that every friend of mine was as hell bent on constantly spending their summer days incessantly riding some batshit crazy roller coaster of fury, but there always seemed to be a select few who were brave enough. Brave enough not only for the thrill rides, but also to voluntarily take the trip with me. Some of my friends still tell stories about our trips there ’til this day.
Maybe they reminisce about those crazy times because life was pretty simple then. Aside from the shore and malls, there wasn’t a ton of stuff to do in suburbia. We went swimming in our pools, hung out playing board games, went to the movies, all the standard fare. Compared to that stuff, not living too far away from Great Adventure was like holding a key to an action packed alternate dimension. I’ve written about Great Adventure plenty of times here at The Sexy Armpit, and if you’re from the Tri-State area, you know all about its allure, especially when you’re a teenager. Even if you had to get a little crew of friends together and get dropped off by someone’s parents, the whole experience still made me feel like a wild, reckless adult. A trip with me to Six Flags never lacked controversy, that’s for sure.
A season pass to G.A was like having a VIP laminate to a concert. Once I got my license, that season pass got used anywhere from 10-15 times in a season. That was back when having fun and filling up my summer days with cool shit was basically my job. With the ability to drive my friends and I down there came the opportunity to elevate these excursions to Ferris Bueller levels. I blasted music in the car, exceeded the speed limit by at least…9 miles per hour, and maybe we didn’t eat pancreas, but we inhaled Quick Check subs and chugged Mountain Dew in the parking lot (right before nausea inducing rolling coasters.) It was a tradition for me to get us into a few scrapes on the way down there, and there was usually the inevitable “disagreement” with a line cutter or some other miscreant.
Some people reminisce about high school. Me? I’ve been reflecting on all the years I’ve been going to G.A. and it’s incredible how many memories I have at this place. Comparatively, I’m proud of what I accomplished in high school, but I wasn’t a fan of it at all. I always wanted to be somewhere else. I knew I was going through the motions. A testament to that is the fact that I met most of my closest friends that I still talk to way before high school. A ton of people go to high school reunions, some gossip about people they graduated with, and some never really let go of that period of their lives. To me, those 4 years can’t hold even the tiniest birthday candle to the immense amount of time I spent through the years at Six Flags Great Adventure. It might sound preposterous, but it’s been part of my entire life. It served as a backdrop for long summer hangouts with friends, and as the pinnacle of romance for a 17 year old kid with a driver’s license and a bring a friend free pass. If you can’t relate to that, I guess you’ve never tried to impress a girl by taking her on The Skyway? Now that’s class! Sure you could tell a girl you were picking her up in an actual CAR, a licensed road vehicle, but when you offer the opportunity to take a leisurely flying wicker seat ride, that gained you a day or two of her adoration. That is, at least until she revealed that she secretly had eyes for a guy on the intramural football team who laughs at all your jokes in 5th period, plus she didn’t really want to hear you gush about what kind of impact A Lonely Place of Dying had on your life. But that’s a whole other 19 paragraph post, isn’t it?
Do you remember the names of all your teachers from high school? I don’t, save for a select few. Did you have a moment from your prom that still gives you the butterflies? I don’t. But, I can tell you that I get choked up just thinking about how I’ll never get to ride The Great American Scream Machine ever again. Of course, I should be more than satisfied that I’ve ridden it literally hundreds of times in its entire 20 year existence. Now that Nitro has turned 15, I’m already worrying that I won’t know how to cope if it ever leaves us. Scream Machine and Nitro are my favorite coasters of all time and I’ve probably spent more time on them than I’ve spent with most of my relatives and that’s saying something since they each last a little over 2 minutes.
Mind you, it wasn’t all “More Flags, More Fun.” A lot of it, the parts we ignore for posterity, kind of sucked – and still do! Take for instance, the often blistering heat, sunburn, sweat, agitation, fatigue, and hunger. Long ride lines were never a good scene, but they usually indicated that the ride was worthwhile. A big chunk of time was spent hanging on the steel railing and saying dumb things with your friends or trying to make our with your then-love interest. It’s easy to suck up those negatives to be enthralled by repeated whip-lashings for 35 seconds, but damn, each one of those seconds makes us feel like all life as we know it could stop instantly and we’d all have abnormally huge smiles with rippling cheeks permanently plastered on our faces. What could be more fun? It makes some people drool. Others vomit. Come to think of it, those peeps probably don’t revere all this nonsense as highly as I do.
By now, you’ve gathered what Great Adventure symbolizes to me. My affinity for the park hasn’t changed, but my trips to Great Adventure have. They aren’t as dangerous. They don’t involve near death experiences on the New Jersey Turnpike (well, most of the time) and they’re a heck of a lot shorter. As an example, I’ll leave you with a summary of our latest Great Adventure excursion.
Miss Sexy Armpit and I made our way down to Jackson, NJ after work one night last week. Considering they close at 9pm, that didn’t leave us much time. By the time we got down there we had a solid 2 hours and we didn’t plan on wasting it. Traditionally, as long as we get to ride Nitro, we’re happy campers, but this time we rode their newest roller coaster, The Joker! At first, it seemed like it wasn’t running. This was a possibility since the ride broke down shortly after it opened and many riders got stuck. I assumed it was just stopped for repairs, but as we got closer, the ride was indeed operating, so we were in luck. I had every intention of riding it, although Miss Sexy Armpit needed a bit of coercing. She wasn’t fond of the idea that the coaster cars themselves spin around while the coaster was running. This could be extremely vomit inducing for some people. She relented and we hopped right on. The ride turned out to be pretty tame – almost more of a wild Ferris wheel gone haywire. I laughed maniacally the entire time like Cesar Romero, so I can see why they named it, The Joker. We were glad we rode it, although, much like The Dark Knight Coaster, it’s not on my must-ride list.
Number one on my absolute must-ride list is Nitro. The lines were pretty much non-existent this late in the day, so we got right on without a long wait. After that, I convinced Miss Sexy Armpit to stay on for one more ride. Even though we technically only went on 2 rides, we accomplished our mission.
Then, as always, I checked the DC Hall of Justice store. I’ve mentioned this place before, but to reiterate, this is the ultimate gem of a store that DC Comics fans might want to consider buying admission to the park just to gain access to this shop. It’s not a gigantic store by any means, but it’s about the closest answer to the DC Super Hero section of the old Warner Brothers store in the mall that we may ever have. I didn’t pick anything up this time, mostly because I had something else in mind that I was hoping to find on the way out.
Last stop was the Main Street Market. For regulars, this is the first shop you see after you make your way through the metal detectors (yes the park has excellent security.) I was asked if I needed help finding anything and in my best Lando Calrissian voice I said, “As a matter of fact you can…” Then, I explained that I had heard about a few Great Adventure t-shirts that had just been released with the vintage logo on them. He had no clue what I was talking about. The poor kid looked at me like I just posed him a question that Einstein couldn’t figure out. Finally, Miss Sexy Armpit dumbed it down for him, “it has like…a rainbow with stars…” “OHHH YEAHHH!” then it dawned on him that we weren’t complete psycho nutjobs after all and actually perfectly normal customers towing the Great Adventure retro t-shirt line.
Before we even got to the park, I had it in the back of my head that I absolutely HAD to get this shirt. Thanks to Miss Sexy Armpit for getting it for me. I’ve always had a major soft spot for the old Great Adventure logo, and years back, I even made a Sexy Armpit parody of it. (Below you can save the Sexy Armpit/Great Adventure iPhone Wallpaper) Perhaps even more coincidentally, I’ve been scoping out actual vintage Great Adventure tees on eBay for such a long time: Check out this ridiculous old post.
What does this all mean? I really don’t know, but maybe it’s just my way of telling you that you should get out of your house and go to your nearest amusement park this summer and maximize your fun! Thanks for reading!
Fresh off of our insane journey for Ecto Cooler, we’re going back in time again on The Purple Stuff Podcast!
Episode 29 has Matt and I talking about all of our favorite stuff that happened in 1990. Sometimes, as we do the year themed shows, it winds up being either really difficult to come up with a decent list, or super easy. In this case, 1990 was pretty much a breeze, and I can honestly say that we had a lot fun with this episode as we do with most of them.
Join us as we roll through some of the notable movies, TV shows, music videos, and commercials from 26 years ago. It’s got everything from elaborate paper replicas of wooden ships from Super Mario 3 all the way to shaving zig-zags into my head to be like Vanilla Ice. This is one for the books, I’m tellin’ ya!
Thanks to everyone who has listened to the podcast and supported the show. Without everyone enjoying it and interacting with us about it on social media, there’s no point in doing it, so thank you all! As of right now, the best thing you could do to support the show is subscribe on iTunes and leave us a positive review, that would be awesome. In the mean time, enjoy our latest episode at the link above or on iTunes, Stitcher, Podbean, and now the Google Play Store!