TRANSFORMERS: Robots in New Jersey! Part 1 – Pine Barrens

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In the Transformers episode “Make Tracks,” the Megatron and the Decepticons steal hundreds of cars and attempt to turn them into drones to add to their powerful squad of evil robots. Tracks, the Autobot, poses as a stolen car and discovers the Decepticons remote facility that changes the stolen cars in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. The Pine Barrens are made up of over a million acres of protected forest area, so this was a perfectly diabolical scheme. No one could possibly hear or see a gigantic space age industrial plant that creates Transformers in the middle of a forest that is intersected by two major highways. Gee, great plan Megatron! Way to go!

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OPTIMUS PRIME: “Hmm, he might have been heading for New Jersey and the Pine Barrens” 
POWERGLIDE: “Pine Barrens? What’s there?”
OPTIMUS PRIME: “That’s what we’re gonna find out, Powerglide”

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Of course Optimus and his Autobots save the day, but if you’d like to watch the 2nd half of the episode that is based in New Jersey, it’s posted below. Thanks to YouTube user Bernard9782 has made it happen. Thanks to the Transformers Wiki, an unbelievable source for all kinds of minute Transformers tidbits.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgYJA6ucjSc?rel=0]

Why I Traded Transformers for Megan Fox

Jay Getting Optimus Prime
That’s me receiving Optimus Prime as a birthday gift

Through the years it was easy to get bogged down in the excessive amount of Transformers incarnations through the years. I have to give credit to the property though, it’s enjoyed a long evolution and hasn’t ever really gone away.

Transformers would not have enjoyed the same type of resurgence if the 2007 big screen adaptation was never released. I doubt there would be the same type of clamor for Transformers stuff if Michael Bay never got his filthy rich hands on them. But what has shocked me most about the franchise is how much of a difficult time I recently had getting into the original ’80s animated series. I noticed that Hub network has been airing reruns of the original Transfomers. Just for nostalgic purposes and for the fact that the 3rd Transformers film, Dark of the Moon, is being released, I set a couple of episodes on my DVR and tried watching them.

As much as I felt I would be in for some ’80s fun, sadly, the episodes were borderline boring and even a bit hard to understand. Although I’m a sucker for old cartoons, especially those I loved as a kid, going back and watching Transformers just didn’t hold my attention at all. Expecting a 25 year old cartoon to enthrall and entertain me seems totally unrealistic, but even the silliest episodes of He-Man and She-Ra still mesmerize me. It’s a shame too because I was a fan of Transformers as a kid, and so were most of my friends, since we were the Prime (pun intended) audience for it. I had my Transformers lunchbox and a bunch of the toys, but it was never a full on obsession for me.

Attempting to pretend like I was a transforming robot was awkward and not nearly as fun as holding aloft my magic sword and becoming the most powerful man in the universe. Now, I know that a lot of people will vehemently disagree with my sentiments, but I have my reasoning. Subconsciously perhaps, I made more of a connection with human or human-like characters. I always preferred GI Joe over Transformers and although I enjoyed Thundercats immensely too, He-Man and She-Ra always edged them out if I had to choose what show I liked better.

In my eyes, the best part of the original animated Transformers series is Megatron. he was the reason I watched the show. I always liked villains and I appreciated how he looked, sounded, and acted in the original series way better than how he is in these new films. That’s not to say I didn’t also love Optimus Prime. What boy in the ’80s didn’t think Optimus Prime was awesome? He’s the quintessential character of the franchise. Even in the new films he still kick ass. The hero has a modernized look but is thankfully still voiced by the iconic Peter Cullen. Anyone else would be 2nd rate.

Regardless of how the original series holds up, the film franchise and even the recent Transformers Prime are both well done and easy to get into especially if I was 7 years old right now. I have yet to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, so hopefully I’ll get to it before Dark of the Moon disappears from theaters, which will probably be in about 3 weeks. Then it’s straight to DVD and Bluray by the end of August. Maybe if Megan Fox played her cards right she’d be in Dark of the Moon and I’d make it more of a priority. Damn her and her Hitler comments. Funny how when I was a kid, I wanted Optimus Prime, and now I need Megan Fox to hold my attention.

Tammy Lynn Sytch “Sunny” is March’s Garden State Playmate!

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Boy, was I a horny little kid! Both sides of an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper isn’t nearly enough space to list all the crushes I had on famous women back when my age was in the single digits. Let me see, there was Yvonne Craig aka Batgirl, She-Ra, Marcia Brady, Nicole Eggert, Alyssa Milano Stephanie Zinone (Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2), Victoria Principal, Madonna, The Sagal twins, Miss Elizabeth…the list would literally take up 5-7 extremely long blog posts.

Eventually Playboy models would replace the aforementioned bevy of women and fictional characters on my list. Having an affinity for a pre-boob job Pamela Anderson and a fresh faced Jenny McCarthy helped create a new, more mature me. I felt that it was time to graduate from She-Ra to women who were more tangible with a greater ability to “satisfy me” in a roundabout sort of way. During the time I discovered those fine ladies, most of my friends were unaware of the beautiful women that lived within the pages of Playboy Magazine. Even though it was only a short time that I was able to brag to my circle of friends about “discovering” these sexy women, I still felt distinguished. In my mind I was sleeking around in a smoking jacket toking on a pipe like Hef.

My cavalcade of hot crushes were in their own exclusive world. Never for a minute could I imagine they would converge into my own little far off planet of comic books, music, and pro-wrestling. To my supreme excitement, it actually happened when Pamela Anderson walked Big Daddy Cool Diesel down to the ring while Jenny McCarthy escorted The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 11. It was a surreal moment considering it made me feel like my passion for these girls willed it to happen. It was that, or the fact that Vince McMahon has been wire tapping my phone since I was 6 years old. (The CIA refuses to entertain my suspicions despite my constant complaints.) Regardless of how it happened, these ladies weren’t marks for the business. I knew they were only appearing at Wrestlemania because of the big pay day. This large check gave them the option to enlarge or deflate their breasts at their every whim.

So…yeah…Playboy models are great but they’re so one dimensional, aren’t they? In 1995, a woman was about to enter my radar and totally obliterate all other sexy blips on it like she was the laser cannon in Space Invaders. The only difference? She wasn’t just made up of pixels, she was for real, she was from New Jersey, and she didn’t take anyone’s shit.

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She is Tammy Lynn Sytch, aka Sunny: the first true WWE Diva. After working for Smoky Mountain Wrestling, Sunny entered the WWF as an on-air anchor promoting house shows. She eventually grabbed the attention of all the WWF fans as manager of the Bodydonnas. From then on, Vince and the WWF became bent on creating female superstars referring to them as “Divas.” Unfortunately for Divas past and present, none of them can or will ever hold a candle to Sunny.
Truly “making it” in pro wrestling takes guts, personality, and some severe delusions. Sunny had a perfect melange of all these ingredients. She was unabashed on the mic, a natural at generating heat with the crowd, and simply a born entertainer. Just like Sensational Sherri before her, Sunny wouldn’t think twice about interfering in a bout, distracting the ref, or getting caught up in a melee, as long as her men won the match. The fact that she was so good at being a “WWF Superstar” made her even more sexy in my eyes as well as in the minds of the millions of other wrestling fans who relentlessly downloaded her swimsuit pics on America Online. (Keep in mind, back then it took 5 minutes to download one low quality .jpg!)

To all the negative, idiotic, and obsessive freaks out there on the Internet who give wrestling fans a bad name: Sunny paved the way for all the Divas who came after her. You know the ones – the ones with non existent mic skills, the ones who can’t deliver their lines let alone remember them, the ones who look awkward in the ring, the ones who are in it not for the love of wrestling, but because they won a friggin’ contest. Sunny “brought it” all the time with that special factor that only few had. If Sable didn’t have gigantic fake boobs and never posed for Playboy, she would scarcely be remembered at this point. Unlike Sable, Sunny wasn’t just a pretty face, she knew the business. She can take her spot right next to the Bobby Heenans, Mr. Fujis, Jim Cornettes, and all the rest of them. There’s no doubt that Miss Elizabeth will always hold a special place in my heart, but she wasn’t much more than a valet and eye candy, while Sunny served both those purposes and more. Sunny owned her star quality which catapulted her to the forefront of storylines. She single handedly made the tag team scene in the WWF infinitely more interesting.

Sunny, was a sex symbol with actual talent for the business, a rare discovery. Sunny was the girl I didn’t think existed. A hot girl with a killer bod who was also into pro wrestling at a time when it had somehow become reserved exclusively for geeks. Was she for real, or did I create her in the garage with power tools? I began to move on from the Pams and Jennys as I realized that there would soon be an epic crossover as hot women surged into pro wrestling. Thank you Sunny for uniting these two worlds, and making us feel less geeky for being pro wrestling fans.

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For other wrestling related articles check out the Classic WWE/WWF Event Cards from NJ !!!

Battle Damage He-Man T-Shirt Winner!


The rules of the He-Man T-Shirt contest:
1) If you were He-Man, what Eternian/Etherian girl would you want to bang and why? ***This can include anyone from Queen Marlena (but your my mo—) to Frosta

2) What would you (as He-Man) for your first date with her? I love being Chuck Woolery, he’s an idol of mine.

Obviously I’m not eligible to enter my own contest, but if I was, it would definitely be a toss up between Glimmer and Frosta. I’m good either way. Glimmer’s deceiving because she’s a goody two shoes on the outside but she’s a hardcore party girl so don’t let her fool you. At least Frosta is blatant about her sexual attraction to He-Man. I think if I had a date with Frosta we might go to a nice little dinner at The Melting Pot just to be ironic. From then on it’s over the top perversion, so I won’t even go into detail. See, I almost had you! You thought I was going to settle for just Frosta? Silly you! If you can recall just a few sentences back I described how Glimmer was a real party whore, so she’s obviously going to be down for an “etherian ethreeway” as it’s known in those parts. All while you’re trying to tag two Etherian dames, you need to keep your eyes peeled because somewhere around your bedroom Loo-kee is hiding and you have to find that cagey, multicolored motherfucker.

Even though I only received 3 “official” entries it was difficult choosing a winner. By official I mean your entry isn’t eligible if you tell me your answer when I run into you while I’m at the grocery store picking up milk. The winning of He-Man T-Shirts is serious business! I came to my final decision today and I thank the 3 people who participated. I feel honored that my Sexy Armpit T-Shirt giveaway during Halloween was a runaway success compared to this one. I really thought more people would be clamoring for an obscure He-Man Tee, but who knows…the winner may just have this baby up on eBay as soon as they receive it! And now let’s take a look at the entries:

Laura from New Jersey wrote:

Since I’ll assume that I’m probably one of the only girls who entered this contest, I decided to take a few liberties. Sure I could pick any of the “hot” ladies in the world of MOTU but to the chagrin of many guys out there reading this, I’m just not into chicks. So, while I’d like to say that Catra is a dirty little minx and I want her paws all over me, that’s sadly not the case. I’m sorry.

I’m going to change the rules a bit since Jay didn’t think that a girl would want to enter. With that said, any guy reading my entry will automatically think I’d pick He-Man or Bow to go out on a date with but that’s surprisingly not the case at all.

My answer would be Orko. Just thinking of him working his magic on me gets me HOT! Even though his spells usually turn out disastrous I definitely give him credit for trying so hard. Not too many guys out there give such an incredible effort like Orko. Sometimes, it’s more charming when a girl sees a guy really trying and being creative rather than a jerk who acts like he’s God’s gift and everything he does in bed is perfect. OK, ok, the real reason why I chose Orko? He had THE BIG “O” on his chest!

Eric “Bubba Shelby” from California wrote:

Here are my answers (as He-Man of course!)

1) Madame Razz. I watch “Desperate Housewives,” I have every Teen Beat magazine issue
that features Ashton Kutcher, and my favorite film this summer was “Sex and The City,” so I know all about the Cougars! Rowr!

2) Obviously it would all begin when I held aloft my magic sword and said “I have the Poweeeeeeerrrrrr!!!!” I would then point my throbbing power sword at the quivering pussy and ZAP – That pussy will ROAR! After that I’ll strike a quick manly pose, glance from side to side, and run away.

Donovan Jacob S. from Gloucestershire, England:
I chose Zilora:

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1) Zilora…isn’t it obvious? She’s got hypnotic spiral breast coverings!

2) I would lure her to Zodac’s sex dungeon: Zodac’s Pleasure Shack, where Fisto would be waiting to perform his “trademark specialty” and Modulok would be ready with his “Mod-u-cock.” I’d take pictures and make a special ViewMaster disc to commemorate the event…

It was a close call between Eric and Donovan. Thinking of Madam Razz as a cougar is pretty damn funny but I ultimately had to go with Donovan’s genius creation of Zodac’s Pleasure Shack and the Fisto mention (he’s one of my favorites). How awesome would it be if we had cameras that took pictures directly to a Viewmaster reel? That would kick ass! Congratulations Donovan, you are a visionary and the winner of the He-Man Battle Damage T-Shirt! I had no idea The Sexy Armpit was being read in England! Unfortunately, the only parting gift I have for the contestants is a sincere THANK YOU to Eric and Laura for entering! I know…that’s a pretty lame parting gift, but it’s pretty low budget here at the Armpit.

The Sexy Armpit Turns 4!

At the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month (there’s that number again!) World War 1 came to an end. 11/11 is now celebrated as Veterans Day, and in a completely unrelated coincidence…The Sexy Armpit’s birthday! Woooo-hoooo! The Big 0-4! I’ve taken the liberty to have Chef Allen of the Royal Palace whip up a special treat for all of us to enjoy. I figured it would help us celebrate such a momentous occasion!  

Jay: Yo, Chef Allen! Why don’t you have your guys roll that big mofo out here…

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King Randor: Um, Jay?
Jay: Yes, King Randor?
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King Randor: Don’t you think this ridiculously sized cake is a little much for only a 4 year anniversary?
Jay: Awww yeah! That’s the way we do it sucka! Hey Adora…are you impressed by it’s size? They say the size of a man’s cake is an indication of…
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Jay: WTF? 
(all of a sudden there’s a blinding flash of light and a cool beaming sound effect)
Holy Shit! What the hell was that? Damn, I was just trying to enjoy The Sexy Armpit’s 4-year anniversary and you had to make it an exploding cake didn’t you Chef Allen? You mutha-
 

Jay: DID SKELETOR AND HORDAK JUST JUMP OUT OF MY CAKE? Oh man, I can’t think of a better present, thank you all so much! They were my favorites growing up. Hey guys…when’s your little strip dance? You are here for that aren’t you? That’s usually what happens when people pop out of a cake, especially gigantic pink frilly ones! Now I think you’re obligated, you owe it to these fine people. You can’t let them down now! At least Kobra Khan cause he’s probably got some trouser snake…umm, OK…I guess I’ll shut up now…

…gulp…
Hey Hordak, I bet you’re going to spray confetti or party streamers out of that thing right? Maybe bubbles or something to that effect? That’s such a nice gesture, you fellas are tops!
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Battle Armor He-Man T-Shirt Contest!

I’ve always heard rumors that the transformation of Prince Adam into He-Man not only made him the most powerful man in the universe but also had a Viagra-like effect on his wang. While I’m not about to do a field study on this one, I can try to put myself in his position to properly understand the nature of the Beastman. We at The Sexy Armpit can’t be sure what team Prince Adam would actually be playing for considering his lavender tights, felt maroon vest, and cute little fuchsia power sword. All that aside, let’s give Adam the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s a little flamboyant, but straight nonetheless ala Paul Stanley.

Have you ever neglected some important work and found yourself wondering how He-Man resisted hot bitches like Teela, Evil-Lynn, and She-Ra…oh wait…that was his sister! So what, Luke and Leia had no idea they were brother and sister and everyone thought they were gonna,“do it…eww!”

It’s time for a kick-ass contest here on The Sexy Armpit.com! You can win the above pictured, custom made “Battle Damaged” He-Man Ringer T-Shirt by answering the following 2 questions as creatively as possible:

1) If you were He-Man what Eternian/Etherian girl would want to bang and why. **This can include anyone from Queen Marlena (but you’re my mo—) to Frosta

2) What would you (as He-Man) do for your first date with her? I love being Chuck Woolery, he’s an idol of mine.

SEND ANSWERS and YOUR ADDRESS TO SEXYARMPIT@COMCAST.NET
Your information will be kept strictly confidential, although if your answers are good they’ll be featured in a future post!

Remember Armpiters, the Best, Funniest, and Most Original answer will win the custom made Battle Damage He-Man Ringer Tee!

For more in the world of Masters of the Universe, check out the awesome new blog Geek Orthodox. Reis is putting himself through the arduous labor of scanning all the old He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Mini-Comics for all of us to enjoy. Head over there and do some friggin’ enjoying.

My Attention Diverted

Are you in the mood to hear unbelievable story? I thought so. Who cares if it’s 8 in the morning, or 8 at night even?
OK, OK…so let me tell about this kid I knew. One time he got so excited and jerked off on some old fat lady who wore a red and white striped shirt, you remember her…the one who was actually a man with a dark, rough beard…but her smooth legs were amazing! After she…uhh..I mean he….or no…I was right the first time – she was naked, drunk and wearing nothing but the grease and bones from the HOT wings she got from Cluck-U. Then I ran down the steps to see her and we sped off for our date at the otologist. We laughed and laughed because they told us “we’re both so deaf.” She/he replied to the doctor: “you really think I’m mos def?” I laughed at her to make her/it feel better and told her “that’s what I thought the doctor said too honey.”

As soon as we got back I went to get a drink of drink and then I found her in my den talking to my father who was reading the want ads looking for some more antelopes. He wasn’t paying much attention. He doesn’t really pay well as a matter of fact, that’s why I didn’t take the job. Except that tree’s very similar to Glimmer from She-Ra. “Those are really big boobs” my father said. She…HE….said “You really like them” in a grotesquely husky damp voice as he/she was checking the firmness of his/her’s ridiculously round for a fat person breast implants. Plus they were hairy like flagella. He said “No, I was watching the TV,” blunt…monotone, my dad wasn’t the best at small talk. Her/his eyes rolled up to the ceiling why he/she began to twirl a curl of its newly permed hair. Bwallfff. That’s my throw up sound. Bwallffff. Haha. She went to sit down on the couch next to him and with the fireplace projecting little solid gold dancers all over his/her fair pimply skin I almost envisioned us prancing through the forest naked together but then as I had one of those epiphany type moments, you know the ones, like when you realize you figured the mystery of life out and it’s totally about how many licks does it take to bite into the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie pop.

So as I gazed at her cold, white, slimy bumpy, arm I noticed her Warhammer baby tee. I couldn’t help myself to keep looking as my head slowly followed her preposterous appearance downward. As I completed looking at the entire shirt and then I realized she/he was wearing no pants or it took them off at some point at which I couldn’t possibly have been paying attention since Mary Hart was going to commercials on Entertainment Tonight and I got distracted by the preview for this week’s brand new episode of Dallas. Pour the Tomato sauce onto the spaghetti or I’ll hit you… with a rendition of “Youth Gone Wild” by Skid Row. Fuck yeah.

The enormous white mound came over to congratulate his lover after he won the Sweepstakes Olympics. It’s a breathtaking moment when Ed McMahon presents you with the Gold medal for that event. Tupperware opens and inside the people begin to climb out. First it was Brooke Langton, then I really couldn’t believe this one…it was Vincent Shiavelli. It wouldn’t surprise me if the steak was made out of shitmeat, because that’s what it tasted like. The day they invented lasers became the same day millions of regular guns all gathered together for a mass suicide. How can they shoot themselves? Big ups to Al Harrington. How many pull ups can you do?
If there’s ever a time I spontaneously combust inside a bubble that was made by a chicklit please let it be the same day I vomit inside of the gum’s bubble that way the person chewing it will actually be chewing bubble gum that I vomited in. fuck yeah, titty bitch. Chick lit. Chick lit is the horrendousest.

Whoo hoo, you know the song from Blur. Yoo hoo, flavor nicey smooth, Choo Choo come on ride that train and ride it. Marshmallows and Mallory that’s all there is. Tom Kazanski was only popular because he was a big dork who bleached his hair and only became cool and confident when he decided to get into flying. He was really nothing before that. He only had a few Sega Genesis games and the one he used to play all the time was Echo the Dolphin. ? He had no direction, or self identity and he was pretty lame with the women. I remember one time he gave this girl a flower he picked up as they were walking down the sidewalk a few feet in front of me. He picked up this flimsy weak yellow flower that might as well have been a limp penis and then he pressed it to his lips and gave it a kiss before he gave it to her. What a freaking homosexual. C’mon there’s no sense in dishonoring the entire population of males on the entire planet just to try and get into one girls pants who was mediocre at best.

Going ape shit on a really enormous bed is awesome. It’s not awesome when you have to leave. Not to mention the 18 bucks I got back from income tax. If it comes up, it comes up. I know! I don’t want her saying anything to me because she’s always stolen all of my girlfriends so it serves her right! Who cares for lips that have implants? Hampton hurled hippos over the house of horny hogs he then yelled heave ho as he hobbled away hurriedly listening to Halford. What the fuck? I told her…no. I said “I’m just a little boy!”….no I mean the kid I used to know said that to him…uhh…I mean her. Don’t try to figure this out because Drago says… “you will lose.”