Ad Jerseum 8: Dear Philly

Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

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Dear Philadelphia,

While on a recent NJ Transit train coming back from Penn Station in New York, I noticed this snarky little tourism ad in a poster case at one of the platforms. At first I grew a little defensive (“eh-oh…oh-eh” oh wait, that was Brooklyn) but then I realized to myself, “Hey self, this ad is pretty damn effective!” But don’t think for a second that it makes me want to run out to my car and drive to Philadelphia. The rest of this letter is left in your hands. I’ll lay it out nice and simple – you’ve got two options. There’s the truth, or there is nothing but outright lies.
LIES:
I DON’T hate Philly. How can anyone possibly hate Philly? It’s the greatest city in the world! I can’t think of a better place to travel than the city where Rocky Balboa hails from. Do you know how many goofy pictures wives take of their husbands running up those stairs?!?! Forget that, what about the good eats? Philly offers one of the most healthy sandwich options, the cheesesteak, which easily puts that doucher Jared and his beloved Subway to shame. Think of all the weight you can lose if you only eat cheesesteaks everyday! And finally, Philly is home to the most famous crack in the world, perhaps even more well known than the butt crack, the crack on the Liberty Bell! Where else would one go to get their fill of brotherly love? Or SOUL? The Philadelphia Soul that is! Everyone knows arena football rocks compared to that second rate sport, REAL football. Walt Whitman bridge, here I come!
TRUTH:
I’m definitely not one of those Jerseyans who hates Philadelphia, but I do have my reservations about it. When I was a kid, aside from it’s historical aspect, all I knew of Philly is that the Fresh Prince of Bel Air grew up in West Philadelphia where he chilled, maxed and relaxed (all cool), and shot some b-ball outside of the school. Oh, and there was that song by New Jersey’s icon Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia,”from the film Philadelphia. Bruce singing about Philly didn’t bother me as much as the fact that so many people from South Jersey root for Philly teams. When I notice Jersey people getting hardcore for the Eagles, Phillies, and the Flyers, it makes my skin crawl. There’s so many bars in South and the Western side Jersey that are fully adorned with Eagles paraphenalia, and Philly teams are simply considered “the home team.” Add that to the terrible Pennsylvania accent that many South Jersey people have adopted and you can stop wondering why I do not visit Philly.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of my favorite shows, but who cares, FLIP YOU PHILADELPHIA! And water ice? What the hell is that all about? It’s Italian ice! F-ck off water ice! Nobody cares about you, you don’t even exist to me. You were made up so Philly can brag about having something tasty to eat besides grizzly, artery clogging cheesesteaks. And Jon Bon Jovi’s Soul charity only helps less fortunate families in Philly because he wouldn’t last a second walking around with a film crew kissing his ass in Paterson or Camden NJ.
While creative and offbeat, this ad is merely a feeble attempt at conning Jerseyans into visiting Philly! OK, maybe some of the folks in this state aren’t the brightest in the bunch, but you think using familiar terms like “yous” is going to entice the guidos to hit up all the clubs in Philly? What would they do there? Philly is no place for fist pumpers. Why would you even want them there anyway?

Sincerely,

The Sexy Armpit

Easter Candy Explosion! A Pictorial

Wal-Mart is more satanic than Hell could ever be. In fact, even in this time of economic despair, I was on a hunt for some cool little trinkets to throw in my niece and nephew’s Easter baskets. Wal-Mart is a slimeball salesman, hair greased back, with a shit eatin’ grin. Walking through the aisles of Wal-Mart is like stopping by a garage sale that you had no idea was even going on. I don’t need anything at that garage sale but for some God awful reason I walk away from it with a handful of junk I didn’t need or even knew I wanted. What was intended to be a quick trip to the store for Easter candy turned into a rapid free fall into a hellish vacuum of consumerism. 

When it comes to buying things I don’t need, I wouldn’t feel as bad to buy…oh, say…a back issue of a comic book line. If I finally come across an old back issue of Teen Titans that’s eluded me for years, I would snatch that book up in milliseconds. If the object fills a certain void or purpose then I have no problem justifying the item as a “must have.” On the other hand, what you are about to see are items that no man with hair on his chest could ever justify actually shelling out money for. After nearly $150 bucks it was completely out of hand.
One question though…
What would you do if you saw these 3 crazy/wacky flavors of Whoppers staring you down? I was immediately paralyzed with an obsession to make these mine. I knew they would taste like shit, but for some reason, all I could picture was me in an empty Wal-Mart laughing and giggling as I submerged in 650,000,000 pastel colored whopper malt balls. These suckers were pouring out at me through the roof, from the laundry detergent aisle, and from the creepy end of the store where they keep hoses and Christmas trees all year round.

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Keep in mind folks that there wasn’t even an iota of a fraction of a chance that these would be any good at all. I was walking into a disaster and I knew it. A dog crap flambe would probably taste nicer than the disgustingly sweet Vanilla Whopper. Pepto Bismol may as well release an orange cream flavor since they could just rip the recipe right off of the Orange Cream Whopper carton. These Whoppers should feature a “Missing” ad on the side of the carton: “MISSING: ORIGINAL WHOPPERS THAT ACTUALLY TASTE GOOD…YOU KNOW THE ONES…THE ONES THAT BURN THE SKIN OFF THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU SUCK ON THEM BALLS FOR TOO LONG.” 
And the Blueberry, what an astonishing fucking joke they are. Imagine for a second that original Whoppers were artificially inseminated by the sperm of a pastel Easter bunny. Their offspring would be Blueberry Whoppers, and let’s just say Grandpa Whoppery isn’t too pleased with his gay grandson. He’s always off dancing at the Blue Oyster and talking about how he wants to get into a civil union with another Blue “Bear” Whopper. With a clear mind I can hereby declare that Blueberry Whoppers are THEEEE worst variety in the Whopper Malt Ball candy line. It has nothing to do with them being gay either. Hell, our former governor was a Blueberry Whopper.

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This green marshmallow mess was staring me down from the shelf because it knew that I just love to torture the shit out of these stupid holiday marshmallows. This poor guy didn’t stand a chance. As far as I’m concerned I gave him a nice makeover. I tore his big, dumb ears off with my ferocious, Sabretooth-esque teeth. Off with his silly bow tie! In a matter of seconds, Baby Binks was middle aged, balding, bow tie-less, and stressed out.

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Russell Stover is taking the whole Marshmallow Rabbit to another level. Next thing you know they’ll be coating actual rabbits with milk chocolate. In a way, I’m glad because at least this chocolate mess actually looks like a rabbit unlike some of it’s predecessors. Of course, that would be in a Donnie Darko, demonic, talisman looking rabbit sorta way.

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I decided to turn him upside down just for fun. For the life of me, I couldn’t put my finger on who he reminded me of. Until…DING…DING!!! It came at me like a fatal blow from a ‘roided up Russian…

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Happy Easter everyone! Heed my warning: It wasn’t the fruit that was forbidden, it was all the unnecessary crap that fills the shelves at your local Wal-Mart.

Atomic Food Containers – Perfect for Leftover Eaters in New Jersey

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You know those catalogs that come in the mail that feature every variation of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story? It turns out that the What On Earth catalog is one of them. They also feature a whole lot of other junk you’ll probably never use, but sure looks damn cool while you’re thumbing through the catalog. Doesn’t everyone need a silky Rocky Balboa robe just like the one he walked to the ring in? You can recreate his bout against Clubber Lang only in a much crappier way. Your bed can be the ring and your pillow can be Clubber Lang. (Not that I’ve ever had any experiences similar to that or anything, I’m just saying) I don’t think “boxing buddies” ever existed to compete with “wrestling buddies,” but if they did I would buy up an army of Clubber Lang’s. I like my pillow replicas of boxers to be pretty badass what can I say? He pillows the fool.
After that arduous exhibition bout against Clubber Lang, you’re sure to work up a fierce appetite. Time to make a masculine, easy to prepare, yet satisfying meal such as chili. What should you do with the huge 20 gallon vat of chili sitting on the stove that you don’t want to throw away? Well, if you happen to live in New Jersey then these Atomic Food Containers are perfect to store your leftovers while managing to be tongue in cheek at the same time. How many Tupperware do you own at this second that you can say have a sense of humor? I know for a fact that none of my containers have any personality whatsoever. If you really want to let your wife know that her cooking sucks more than Peg Bundy’s, then these may just be the way to go. Although you might want to present her with them BEFORE the holidays that way you don’t have to experience her “raisin liverwurst surprise upside down cake.”
What On Earth doesn’t sponsor this site, but I thought these were bizarre and appropriate enough to mention regardless. The set of 3 containers feature these labels: Nuclear Waste – Eat and Glow. Biodangerous – Yesterday’s Leftovers. Experimental Meal – Consume at Own Risk.

Lost Boys: The Tribe: Movie Sucks, Corey Feldman Wins, and Film References Galore!

“Better late than never” movie sequels seem to be the latest trend in Hollywood. In the past couple of years we’ve had to deal with sequels to movies like Rocky, and Indiana Jones, both of which were 15 years tardy. It’s not to say these films aren’t without merit. Personally I get excited when a film gets released after its franchise has been missing from theaters for close to a score. You can imagine the hefty amount of anticipation that builds up. What if the movie sucks after this huge gap of time? All that anticipation morphs together into one huge glowing energy ball and launches itself out of my stomach and rips right through the movie screen. Well, not exactly but it would actually be better if the ball traveled to the movie studios and knocked these stupid film producers right on their asses. They have no sense sometimes.

Did you ever think you were going to see a sequel to Better off Dead? Probably not, right? Well 23 years after the film was in theaters is a better time than any I’d say. Why not a sequel to The Secret of My Success (1987) while we’re at it? Or Real Genius? Any movie is fair game. The big wigs in Hollywood are so asinine that they think a lame unrelated sequel to an old school franchise is automatically going to be successful. That unfortunately isn’t the case and I’ll speak for the greater population while I say that we’d all like some new and refreshing plots and engaging films. Did you ever think of how scared movie producers are to invest their money? A smart way to sell them an original script is by saying they could package their movie as “Wes Craven Presents” or as “The Lost Boys: The Tribe” like today’s shameful example. The film was 21 years too late but lucky for us it only sucked about 90 minutes of our time away from our lives. Shit, I almost became a vampire by watching it because it sucked so much life out of me. Oh yeah…and it just sucked in general.

I’m a loyal fan of the first Lost Boys, and seeing it in theaters when it was released really had an impact on me. I would say that regardless of how many Universal horror films and Dracula movies I watched as a kid, that The Lost Boys started my fascination with vampires. That’s a heavy load to carry…a load that smells like Frog juice (for those of you with a wet bar: mix raw egg, garlic, and holy water).

Lost Boys: The Tribe was a lame excuse for a sequel. It basically just used the name “Lost Boys” and the character of Edgar Frog played by Corey Feldman. The rest of it is “The O.C meets The Lost Boys.” The characters, especially the villains, get killed off quickly and we don’t even get much of a chance to love them or hate them. The introduction of Edgar Frog seems uneven in the film. Personally I think the script was written as a typical vampire film and then reworked after the producers lured The Feldster back in the mix. Well who cares, as long as Corey Feldman is back! He’s the man in this film and the highlight of the entire movie. He looks like he’s having a lot of fun playing Edgar Frog again and it’s a damn shame that he doesn’t have, at the very least, the success of his Goonies counterpart Sean Astin.

Speaking of The Goonies, utter suckyness aside, Lost Boys the Tribe spent a lot of time referencing a bunch of films. The blatant references became ridiculous at times. It seemed like the filmmakers wanted to name drop movies to be cool with the hipsters. You know those people…the ones who latch onto things way too late but they think they discovered something new.

Here’s a list of movie references from Lost Boys: The Tribe

10:12 Yes, The Tribe references…wait for it…The Lost Boys! There’s a short montage reminiscent of one in the original where various “strange” people around town are shown. This guy is clearly supposed to represent how Tim Cappello’s (greased up sax player singing “I Still Believe”) character would look 20 years later. The Tribe only wishes they had something as cool as a greased up WWE looking sax player singing that badass song. It would’ve worked wonders. If The Tribe is a hideous zit, then greasy Tim Cappello is the Clearasil.

13:23 “…Yes leave our address at the creepy Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer, it’s a good plan”
17:11 Besides Corey Feldman’s flawless performance, this reference is the films only saving grace: “You mean to say the two of you have never heard of The Goonies? You are in for a very serious treat.” Truer words were never spoken! Maybe 17 minutes into the film the DVD player actually just starts playing The Goonies instead and Lost Boys The Tribe was actually all a big joke! That’s marketing genius. Let’s sell more copies of The Goonies! I wonder if the same people who made Vice Versa and Trading Places feel like making “Edgar Frog meets Clark “Mouth” Devereaux?” If so then I’m offering to direct it.
18:48 “…ties the whole room together kinda like that rug in The Big Lebowski
1:00:39 You don’t get much more blatant than this: “Warriors! Come out to Play-ay!”
1:10:12 While it’s not really a movie, I had to throw it in: “That’s still something I can see on my Girls Gone Wild Box Set…”

All the movie references in the world wouldn’t have saved this piece of trash, even Haim’s bizarre appearance in an alternate ending. Please, someone important hire Corey Feldman so he can finally get his due! And get all of us who watched Lost Boys: The Tribe a mind wipe from that Haitian guy on Heroes so we won’t have to remember sitting through it.

Film Review: Rocky Balboa: 3 ½ armpits!

Going into the theater to see Rocky Balboa, I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to be disappointed. There are so many people I know who have expressed their discontent with Stallone making another installment in his boxing saga. Call me crazy but how can you not like Rocky? I think people need to lighten the fuck up. There isn’t much to hold onto in this world so there’s nothing wrong with going to a movie that will choke you up, make you laugh, and inspire you all at the same time. In his Rocky films, Stallone has had a knack for taking the audience on an emotional journey that culminates with a nail biting, feel-good finale. It’s definitely a formula that works, but some people think that there’s no reason to do another one and that’s the exact theme that runs through this Rocky installment. What’s the point of going back if you’ve proven everything? There’s always something to prove and Rocky VI proves it!

If you’re a fan of even one of these films you’ll enjoy Rocky VI because of its realism. In it, a sports show on TV simulates an exhibition match between Rocky and Mason “The Line” Dixon, the current Heavyweight champion. The thoughts are mixed as to whether Rocky would win or Dixon, so A.J Benza (yes! He plays Dixon’s manager) gets the wheels in motion to get these two in the ring for a Las Vegas Pay Per View extravaganza. I was extremely pleased with how they carried this out in the film because it’s a scenario that might play out in real life. All the events leading up to the match were well done except for one. I left the movie feeling that we should have seen a scene where Dixon finally breaks down and commits to the fight with Rocky. Up until the press conference, we only see Dixon get frustrated with his manager and leave his gym and say he’s going back to his old gym. What made him finally decide to fight Rocky when he was completely against it? I guess A.J Benza is quite a persuader, or it was the big payday.

Adrian has passed from cancer and Rocky now owns a restaurant called Adrian’s in South Philly. This isn’t too far fetched when you think about how many former sports stars own restaurants. He’s got Spider Rico hanging out there reading the bible and washing dishes like a wacky old man. Paulie’s even back and he’s got the funniest lines of the film. It wasn’t a huge role, but Rocky’s son is played by Milo Ventigmilia (Hereos). We can surmise that Rocky has a new love interest and for the creative minds, her son might be the next guy that Rocky trains to be a boxer.

It was nice to see that they bring up all the great boxers such as Muhammed Ali, and Rocky Marciano. This brings Rocky into the real world even though he’s a fictional character but it works wonders to revitalize the story for a newer audience. It makes Rocky more of a legend. I cannot say that I was disappointed in the film in any way. It was entertaining, inspiring, and as always it had an awesome match at the end. The audience clapped for the Mike Tyson cameo, so keep an eye out for it.

One of the parallels in the film was priceless. Punchy, Rocky’s new but truly old dog was written into the script to represent Rocky being an old dog who still has life in him. Who woulda thunk it? Symbolism in a Rocky movie? Totally true. Rocky runs with the dog during the training sequences and it works. Earlier in the movie Rocky explains to “Steps” that even though Punchy is an old dog, if he is treated right, eats right, and has some friendship, he’ll have a lot of good years left in him. This is the crux of the movie. Rocky thought it was over after Adrian died but it wasn’t. He kept fighting and realized that he had a lot of life left in him as well. Great movie.