Toxie, Bret “Hitman” Hart, and Alice Cooper All Walk Into A Bar In New Jersey…

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The chances of the title of this post happening is higher than it would usually be. You can catch all 3 of these iconic gentlemen in Jersey real soon. Oh, I forgot to mention that when they get to the bar they also run into Debbie Downer from SNL!

SNL alumni Rachel Dratch will be signing her book Girl Walks Into A Bar on April 2nd at Bookends in Ridgewood, NJ.

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Next, coming up on April 7th at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, NJ there will be a FREE showing of The Toxic Avenger! The Sexy Armpit will be there to root on Jersey’s first super hero as well. Visit the Count Basie Theatre website for more information.

Also coming soon is the Chiller Theatre pop culture convention at the Hilton in Parsippany, NJ happening April 27th through the 29th. Here you will be able to hob knob with the likes of Alice Cooper, Cathy Moriarty, Robert Loggia, Dean Cain, and perhaps the coolest guest, Dirk Benedict a.k.a Face from the A-Team amongst many others. Tickets are on sale now at the Chiller Theatre site.

And merely a few months away, Minor League Baseball team The Lakewood BlueClaws take on The Hickory Crawdads on June 16th and they’ll be getting some guidance from their special guest in their corner, WWE Hall of Famer Bret “Hitman” Hart. The Hitman will be signing autographs for fans at FirstEnergy Park in Lakewood, NJ. Go to the BlueClaws website to see their schedule and purchase tickets.

Jay and Silent Bob Get Old at NYCC!

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East coasters, especially those from Jersey, will be excited to know that Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes will be presenting their live podcast Jay and Silent Bob Get Old at New York Comic Con this year. The Sexy Armpit will definitely be at Comic Con, but I’m not sure if I want to battle the crowds for that one. It’s cool to see our favorite stoners from Jersey appearing to beef up the star power. I’m sure there will be plenty more announcements of celebs and fanboy icons signing on in the coming weeks. Keep up on the latest news at the official NYCC website: http://www.newyorkcomiccon.com/

Red Bank New Jersey’s Monster Magnet

We’ve all heard Monster Magnet’s “Space Lord” a million times, so today let’s change it up and check out the video for “Unbroken (Hotel Baby),” a track they scored a minor hit with from their 2004 album Monolithic Baby. The video’s over the top style and debauchery reminds me of how classic hard rock videos used to be. When I was a kid, I’d fall asleep on the couch at 12:30 a.m on Friday night and wake up later on captivated by the depraved revelry on the screen. I used to WANT MY MTV, where the hell did it go? We need more videos like this! Watch:

http://d.yimg.com/m/up/fop/embedflv/swf/fop.swf

See Monster Magnet w/ Bang Camaro at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ this Saturday night 5/16!

Sushi Quest: Braggarts and Bathroom Posters

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Last week, we finally found a Sushi place in Red Bank after realizing that Sunday is not the best day to embark on a such a search. I’m not a ritzy type of guy, I’d rather sit at home and microwave leftovers than have to eat at some pretentious establishment known for their distinct cuisine, but that describes many of the restaurants in Red Bank. My girlfriend and I were in the mood for some damn sushi and upon discovering 3 sushi places in the immediate area were closed, it seemed there’d be no sushi in our foreseeable future. I made a couple of phone calls and found out that The Bistro in Red Bank actually had great sushi.

After parking, we entered through the back entrance. I peeked down the hall and noticed that there weren’t any people sitting in the dining area. An employee walked by and I asked him “Are you guys open?” He followed up with “Not until 3:00 PM.” It was only a little after 2:00 PM at that point and I didn’t feel like waiting that long to eat. After growing more frustrated, we walked around to the front entrance and discovered that the restaurant was definitely open. There were people sitting in the seating area outside and in the front of the restaurant inside. I asked the waiter why the guy in the back of the restaurant told me they weren’t open yet and he said “Oh, he works at a different restaurant so he probably thought you meant his restaurant.” That didn’t register with me on a couple of levels. First, he was wearing the exact same black uniform the other Bistro employees were, so he couldn’t have been some nomadic waiter squatting at different restaurants in Red Bank until the one he works at opened. Secondly, if I asked him the question while standing INSIDE The Bistro, wouldn’t that obviously have meant that I was inquiring about the hours of the restaurant we were in at that moment? What an idiot.

On any typical day I would’ve grew angry and wondered how they could employ someone who lacked the ability to make sense of such a simple question. I took a deep breath, enjoyed the sunshine, salad, and sushi. Then as soon as I was beginning to calm down, a fire alarm started to ring across the street. A fair amount of smoke began to come out of a construction area in one of the storefronts.
While this emergency was going down, and the fire engine barreled down the street, a very snotty couple sitting beside us would not shut up. It seemed that this middle aged brunette with average looks, and a 60 something gray haired schlub, possibly her date, were off in their own world. The schlub kept talking about the 110-inch screen in his home theater room that he just had installed. I’m amazed at how many rich people walk around looking like they’re homeless but will brag about their possessions until you want to smack them in the mouth. Did I mention his exercise room? How could I miss that? He listed each feature of his fitness room including treadmills and free weights, but it was abundantly clear that he never touched any of that equipment EVER! In case you were curious, the seemingly unimpressed middle aged brunette will be making a move to Buenos Aires before summer and she’s also teaching in South Africa for part of the year. Hey schlubby, you should know that a big TV screen isn’t what impresses a woman, it’s how much of your fortune you’re willing to shell out to her!
‘The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” – Alexander Knox, Batman (1989)
The day became even more interesting when I made a trip to the bathroom. As I walked up to the urinal, I noticed the poster on the wall in front of me said “What Movie…Whose Line? 101 Classic Movie Quotes.” I never would’ve made the correlation between the act of guessing movie lines and pissing in a urinal, but it’s a damn good idea. Let’s take it to the next level and lobby to have small LCD screens with movies and trivia games installed right above every urinal and toilet. This would prevent rogue piss droplets being sprayed all over by guys who can’t aim. This poster is effective for guys who can’t seem to look straight ahead when doing their business. There’s no reason why a guy should be looking over at another guy, but if you just can’t help yourself then it should be the mission of the proprietor to keep you entertained. A word of advice to all owners of establishments with bathrooms: Buy entertaining posters, it keeps guys focused!
One of the first quotes I managed to glance at was awesome: “Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!” – Sarah, Labyrinth (1986)

I slept with her business card

The other day I went to sleep with shorts on. Earlier that night I put a business card that I had from a lady at the mortgage company in my pocket and forgot it was there. I slept the whole night with this business card in my pocket and never realized it. My dreams were haunted by this lady. My warning to all of you – never sleep with a business card it’s a bad move.
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I think it really sucks that Christmas falls on a Monday this year. I really liked the fact that this past Thanksgiving happened at the beginning of the break because it was easier enjoying the holiday knowing that I had the next few days off. I’m just going to make Christmas happen on Friday the 22nd, is this ok with everyone?
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I think Woodbridge should take a cue from Red Bank this season. Red Bank’s lamp poles are decorated with illuminated bells, wreaths, menorahs etc. At least it’s more colorful and festive than these odd blueish purple lights that are up on Main Street.