The Sexy Armpit’s Trip To A Cabin In The Woods

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With my immense affinity for all things Blair Witch, how is it possible that I’ve never gone camping before?

Well, for starters, I’m not the outdoorsy type.

Through the years, various friends have asked me if I wanted to go camping with them. Inevitably, they’d attempt to try and sweeten the deal. As if the luxurious amenities of public bathrooms and shower facilities would sway my decision. On a few occasions, a long time ago, when the incentives of girls and booze joining us were put on the table, even that failed to entice me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the woods. I especially love fall foliage, but I don’t feel that I have to prove that point by sleeping in it. In theory, camping sounds like a blast, but I prefer to leave that area as a home for the bears…and witches.

There are exceptions to the rule. Going back many years, my friend Paul has asked me almost annually to head up to a cabin with his family owned by their close friends for some birthdays. See, from my perspective, a cabin is like bucking the camping system. Screw camping…who needs it when you have a creepy ass cabin to hang out in? When I first heard his offer, I almost started to give it consideration. As it goes, life got in the way and I wound up never making it up there. You know how it is. You have commitments. You have to film you and your pile of sludge getting into predicaments. You know, normal run of the mill stuff.

Eventually, I started to give this cabin some actual consideration. It was around December 2015 at a Christmas party when Paul and his close family friend Brian attempted one last pitch as to why I should head out there with them. They made it seem like I’d be in a wonderland of Fall, a veritable Halloween hullabaloo. They described drinking, debauchery, and demonic decorations. All right, so maybe I was drunk at that moment, but right then and there I had an epiphany and thought to myself, “Why the hell have I not gone to this cabin in the woods!?” I swore that when October rolled around, I’d be there no matter what – as long as it was after I premiered The Halloween Special.

Time flew and all of a sudden it was October 2016. The Halloween Special was completed and uploaded to YouTube. I was in the midst of getting the address of this storied cabin that I’ve heard so much about over the years. It was really happening and I was in for a nearly 3 hour drive (feel free to sing it to the Gilligan’s Island theme: a 3 hour drive!) Was I making the right decision? One thing was for sure, I thought way too much about what might happen there, especially left to my own devices in the car. Would I even make it there alive? The element of not knowing what this experience would entail was cool. Really, anything could happen. Would we wind up in alternate dimension? Was I going to be cut up into pieces and fed to hideous mutated beasts that they keep in the basement? Was it actually going to be a surprise birthday party for me 6 months early? That might have been the scariest option. Whatever happens, it seemed like I was in the opening credits of a real life horror movie. Then, I simply shrugged it off as watching too much AHS.

I was flying solo. Miss Sexy Armpit had to work, so she was off the hook. Since I love to drive and savor alone time, to me there’s nothing better than a good fall road trip. I was getting pretty pumped about the whole scenario. In the middle of the day I got a text from Paul: “What time are you leaving? It’s really hard to find this place in the dark.” I laughed it off with the assuredness that I can pretty much find any destination because of this newfound technology we have…Google Maps. “How difficult could it be to find?” I wondered. I got a much later start than I intended, mostly because I procrastinated and thought that the trip would be a lot quicker than it actually was. After I eeked out one more episode of Vice Principals, I mustered up the motivation to get ready, I packed up a few essentials, tossed them in the car, got gas, and headed out on the highway Judas Priest style.

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Swigging a can of Monster and my iPod shuffling through my Halloween playlist, I was a happy non-camper. Once I made it up to Northwestern New Jersey, I passed by a giant pumpkin and had to pull over for an Instagram. You can’t pass up an opportunity to photograph a giant inflatable pumpkin monster. So, that was Detour #1. Seeing that damn pumpkin made me feel like I was on track for an epic trip. It was merely the beginning and I encounter this? The only way it could’ve been better is if it came alive and started warning me that “WE’RE ALL DOOMED!”

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Things escalated within minutes. If I told you that out of the corner of my left eye I saw a raptor, would you believe me? I didn’t even believe myself so I had to bang a quick bat-turn to investigate. I thought I was taking crazy pills. First a mammoth pumpkin monster and now a Dinosaur? There you have Detour #2. Just a friggin’ dinosaur.

As I crossed the state line into PA, things started to seem more desolate. This was the ultimate leisurely fall drive since I kept passing huge stretches of nothingness. I saw creepy abandoned houses, dilapidated old farms, and ancient cemeteries. Sure, I was out of my element, but I was soaking up the vibe. Soon, I found myself driving through the center of a small town that looked like it was straight out of a horror movie.

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Scanning around this ghost town, there was no one in sight. I was the only one on the road and apparently the only human for miles. That feeling came to an abrupt halt when I jammed on my brakes after a bear ran out into the street and almost into my car. The bear then jetted back onto someone’s lawn after he nearly hurled himself into my car. I swore I thought my poor car was going to get attacked by a bear. I was fascinated by all this though. Bears don’t live in our area so I was having flashbacks to being on the Six Flags Great Adventure Safari. The bear sprinted back over to a set of garbage cans where he continued to eat garbage that he previously attacked and clearly had been munching on earlier. This was where I nonchalantly zoomed in and took a photo for Detour #3. Saying that this ride was pretty interesting is a total understatement. I love that cliche “You can’t make this shit up!” because it usually applies to the whacked out trips I take.

Deeper into the town, I drove between a long stretch of small houses on the main road. I noticed that none of the houses had any lights on, except for one to my right. There was a house blazing with Halloween decorations. I slowed down so I could admire it for a second. What caught my eye were the vintage light up blow molds they had all over the place! I’ve been a sucker for blow molds ever since I was a kid. In fact, I used to beg my Dad to keep the ones we had, even though both my parents wanted to get rid of them after they had pretty much gone out of favor. After the ’80s, at least in our area, these wound up being looked at as tacky or cheap. Whatevs. To me, nothing beats those houses with a hundred blow molds set up all over their property for the holidays.

I was being a real creeper. I basically slowed down to a crawl and threw my car into park to snap a few photos of the house. This blazing blow mold house had a front porch that was large enough for several chairs and a dinette table. The older couple who lived there came out onto the porch with a couple of plates of food. I was so mesmerized by their blow molds that I didn’t even realize that they noticed me taking photos of their house. Luckily, this was a couple we should all aspire to be. To save myself from getting questioned by police, I did something I rarely do unless I’m seriously interested in something – I engaged them in conversation.

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“HEY! YOUR BLOW MOLDS ARE BLOWING MY MIND!” Oh my God how embarrassing, what the hell did I just say? Did I actually just say those words out loud? F–k. Yes, I really did. But, what happened next was a pleasant surprise. The biggest smile came across both their faces and they walked down the steps of their porch. They started telling me how they’ve been collecting them for years and buy them from yard sales and flea markets anytime they see them. Not only was that anecdote so awesome, but, next, they delivered a little extra Halloween cheer that made my season. I asked them if they were big fans of Halloween and the gentleman said “Oh yeah, we LOVE Halloween and we’re just about to have Halloween dinner right here on the porch!” I thanked them and told them I just had to snap a photo. They actually thanked me for the compliment and we exchanged a goodbye. This trip kept getting more and more surreal.

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Was I actually in a Halloween wonderland? This was like following the black and orange brick road. As you may have read here in the past, one of my favorite aspects of any road trip I go on are the random things that happen to me and the quirky things that I see. In both cases, they’re much cooler if you just happen to come across them by chance. There you have Detour #4. I was only halfway there and I felt like, if this was the best it got, then it was a successful trip.

To recap, there was an enormous pumpkin monster, a dinosaur, a giant garbage eating bear, and a blow mold couple eating Halloween dinner on their porch 3 weeks early. Seriously, was I in an episode of Eerie Indiana? Because that’s what I’ve always wanted out of life.

My late start meant I’d be driving the latter part of my trip in the dark. This is indeed what happened and Paul called it. Darkness started to fall and I realized that I was pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I still had about 45 minutes to go, yet I had to pee. I also realized that I had forgotten a couple of necessities and I also wanted to pick up some kind of goofy Halloween decoration. Paul mentioned that the whole exterior of the cabin is decorated for Halloween and I wanted to contribute something. Wal-Mart seemed like a perfect spot to hit for all of this. Problem was, it was 35 minutes away from the cabin in the opposite direction. Stopping at a store was imperative so I had to go off course. I was already running late, so what was another hour or four? I knew this was going to make me even later, but I figured everyone would be nice and toasted by time I got there.

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During my trip to Wal-mart, I passed the Circle Drive-In Theater on my right. For a second I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be pretty badass if they were showing a horror marathon or something to that effect? That would’ve been another notch in my belt to make this excursion even more insane. I squinted as I zoomed passed the marquee to see the lineup. The beautifully beaming sign actually had a goblin face on top of it (difficult to see in the photo). Sure as shit, Blair Witch AND Sleepaway Camp were playing as part of the Circle of Screams Halloween theme, and I couldn’t contain myself! On my way back, I tried my best to snap a pic although it came out blurry. To think that Jersey was the birthplace of the Drive-in, yet I randomly witnessed this magnificence in PA. I looked this place up and it happens to also offer a Halloween Haunted Attraction that bills itself as America’s Only Haunted Drive-In Theater! If horror and drive-ins are your thing, it’s your dream come true. Detour #5.

Here’s the guy I picked up. He’ll come into play later.

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Wisecrackin’ Simon as I affectionately refer to him, comes equipped with various classic quotes from that rotting old bastard including but not limited to: “Wait, you can’t just leave me here!” and “I can’t believe I came back from the dead for this!” followed by vibrating and moaning.

I didn’t think I could run into any more giant monsters, but I did.

This is where I ran into…a Gorilla. I am not kidding you guys. This is 100% legit. He was the coolest muthaf*ckin’ Gorilla I’ve ever seen, and he worked at a car dealership. This whole experience so far was unfathomable, better yet, PREPOSTEROUS! I was driving to a cabin and NOT tripping on LSD! Imagine if I had been on some kind of hallucinogen? Holy shit, this post would be 23x more entertaining.

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Finally, after spending way more money than intended, I started on the final stretch to the cabin. This is the part that included pitch darkness, dirt roads, and the feeling of dread that made me feel like I’d be encountering the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers at any moment. Were these streets even listed in the GPS? I couldn’t be sure, but they felt just like some of the famous scary roads we have back home that always get mentioned in Weird New Jersey.

Next thing I knew I was driving through some kind of campsite where tons of teenagers were running around wildly with masks on scaring everyone. I was so overstimulated by that point that this was not surprising me in the least. Screaming Masked Teenagers? PAR FOR THE COURSE. Nothing compared to what I’ve seen. I later found out that this was a nearby campsite that was hosting their annual haunted attraction…an attraction that I’d been illegally K-turning my way back out of. Minutes later, the GPS had me turn into someone’s dirt driveway that wasn’t my intended destination, but fittingly looked like I had just entered into the Wrong Turn franchise. I had a hell of a time backing out and nearly hit a tree. That’s when I caved and called Paul. He made it very clear that the cell service there is spotty and he was right. He hopped in his car to find me and I was literally down the hill from where I was supposed to be.

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I drove up a big hill into an opening in the woods. Yup, it was a cabin…in the middle of nowhere! As I parked my car I was in awe of the huge bonfire they had going. This fire looked like it was big enough for 35 people to sit around it. I greeted everyone and went inside to make a drink. I brought Tequila of course and wasted no time cracking it open. Inside the cabin, the decor reminded me of my Uncle’s basement. There were animals that had been stuffed greeting me from all angles. Some of them even had Halloween masks on. This was going to be interesting. It couldn’t have been more Evil Dead/Cabin in the Woods if it tried!

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In the bathroom, I zeroed in on a random frame with a hologram of a demon faced girl. Always a fun Halloween gag. It was perfect.

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The exterior of the cabin was being illuminated by the bonfire out front. All around the porch there was an eclectic mix of witches and skulls and demons hanging and eerily dancing in unison with the breeze. The air was crisp, a perfect October evening, hoodie mode=activated. I sat with Paul and his family and enjoyed my drink. I explained to them that I had a totally whacked out time driving up there.

Suddenly, the next thing I knew, I was being awoken by an incessantly spooky theremin sound. I swore the fact that now the sun was out and I was half asleep on a top bunk bed with a theremin playing meant that I had literally crossed over into the Twilight Zone. I hit my head on the ceiling as I tried to climb down from the bunk to figure out what the hell was going on.

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I walked out into the living room area and everyone was up talking, laughing, and enjoying breakfast. I was being treated like a king and all I did was arrive, raise hell, and drink Tequila. A brisk, gray Sunday morning was being celebrated with good friends over some crispy bacon, eggs, English muffins, and Orange juice. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Did they secretly feed me mind altering drugs to go out and sacrifice one of those kids at the campground to Lucifer and they just knew the right smoke screen to distract me? Mmm breakfast. I’m like Homer Simpson. And, suuure get The Sexy Armpit drunk and make him do your bidding. I see. The plot thickened.

It wasn’t just me who was mystified, because it seemed as if none of us remembered what happened the night before. Legitimately, the last thing I remembered was playing Cards Against Humanity. The rest wasn’t even a blur. It just skipped from the card game to the spooky theremin waking me up. What happened in the meantime?

Something insane could’ve taken place the night before and I would’ve had no clue at all. My brain immediately went into deduction mode. Was it the Blair Witch? Did she possess the cabin to make us lose a gap of time?

After breakfast, Paul brought in the Halloween decoration guy that I bought. We’ll call him Simon for the hell of it. He had no idea where this dude came from and he was asking everyone if they happened to know his origin. I told him I bought him at Walmart, but I didn’t remember taking him out of my car at all. It felt like he mysteriously made his way onto the porch on his own volition. I needed to piece together the events in those missing witching hours.

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I found plenty of photos like this on my phone

Some of Paul’s friends had photos and videos on their phones. It was all there, although I had no recollection of any of these events. There was a video of us singing and dancing like idiots, nothing out of the ordinary when you hang out with me, but it was like seeing a clone of myself doing these things. I wasn’t even hung over at all, I actually felt great. That’s when I checked my phone to see if I had taken any pictures or video myself. Sure enough, I found a few photos that, for the life of me, I didn’t remember taking AT ALL! I had to believe there was something that overcame me while out in those woods so I couldn’t recall any of this. Was a I temporarily possessed by the Blair Witch?

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There was also this blurry photo of a family of deer congregating on the lawn in front of the cabin. Finding this and not remembering taking it was quite amusing…and creepy! I headed home with the bizarre notion that I may never fully understand what happened at the cabin.

The next day, it all came together in a form of a text message from Paul and all it included was this photo:

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In the middle of the previous night, in the wee hours, over a game of Cards Against Humanity, Paul’s sister thought it was a good idea for us to do shots of Jameson. Mystery solved. That’s one way to erase your memories and create a gap in your consciousness! The next time you suspect The Blair Witch is up to her old shenanigans, blame it on the Jameson.

It was more fun to believe that I may have been possessed by The Blair Witch, but there seemed to be enough evidence to the contrary. Buzzkilling it all even more, I found out later that I wasn’t actually in the Twilight Zone either 🙁 The spooky theremin that woke me up wasn’t my mind’s internal soundtrack, but actually Paul’s friend’s phone receiving non-stop text messages.

With that, my yearning for an actual Blair Witch experience of my own has been debunked, but there’s always next year.

If you enjoyed this insane trip, why not watch our 2016 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL on YouTube right now! Thanks for reading!

PURPLE STUFF PODCAST EPISODE 7: PUMPKIN MONSTERS OF POP CULTURE!

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While The Sexy Armpit continues to work hard on this year’s Halloween Special (coming soon), please join Matt and I for another episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast! This week we talk about our favorite Pumpkin Monsters of Pop Culture! These are living creatures who are actual pumpkins themselves or simply pumpkin headed. Set yourself up with a pumpkin coffee and settle in because this one is perfect for your Halloween season! It’s another fun show that you can check out on iTunes, Stitcher, and Podbean. Thanks for listening!

AD JERSEUM 18: Ballantine Ale Halloween Party!

We all know there’s nothing scarier than…OLD BEER!

Growing up in the ’80s, there were plenty of Halloween and Beer ad tie-ins. We were pretty spoiled in that regard, although it’s been going on for many moons before Elvira showed up in a Coors Light ad. Above, you can see an example of such a thing from 1943, except without a beehive haircut and cleavage.

Today’s ad features one of the oldest beer brands in the country, Ballantine Ale, which is deeply rooted in New Jersey. I wasn’t around during it’s heyday, but growing up, we had a few pieces of Ballantine paraphernalia in my house, so I was familiar with it, even as its popularity throughout the country waned.

In the house I lived most of my life in, we had an actual bar in our house, not one that you would buy at a furniture store or at a place that sells bars, but an actual bar complete with leather stools transported from a real bar in Newark.

It was permanently installed in our den, which was basically our play room. Yes, we played in a room that had a giant full wet bar. Once the huge family gatherings started to become a rarity because family moved away to various parts of the country, the bar room eventually evolved into my own personal play room and wrestling arena for the better pat of my childhood.

We didn’t change anything in the bar so it pretty much stayed the same way since the late ’70s. There were colored lights and lots of authentic liquor trays coasters, branded glasses and mugs, and lighted fixtures with various brands of beer and soda like Schaefer, Carlsberg, Heineken, 7Up, and others.

I can’t really say I ever cared to sample anything until I got older. Maybe crème de menthe because it was green and looked somewhat more appetizing than say, Seagrams 7. The Frangelico bottle in the monk costume didn’t look to shabby either, mostly because it reminded me of the figural shape of Mrs. Butterworth’s, but I hadn’t developed a taste for it yet.

Trust me, just because this thing was in my house didn’t drive me to boozin’ at an early age. If anything it removed the temptation that a lot of my other friends had. Why would I beg my sister or ask an older friend to go to a liquor store for me when I stared at these dusty bottles that no one ever drank every day of my life? Eventually, as I got a little older, there were a few times when I had to enlist some help, similar to the Goldslick Vodka fiasco in Superbad.

While clicking through eBay, and definitely not intentionally looking for Ballatine Ale memorabilia, I came across a vintage Halloween themed ad for this beer which is perfect for our column AD JERSEUM. Print ads are rarely this enticing anymore and finding one oozing with so much old school Halloween spirit makes it even more tremendous!

The ad is pure persuasive Halloween magic. The kickass bar didn’t drive me to drink, but this ad makes it seem like the most fun and appealing activity that anyone could ever take part in. Whenever a product or company completely embraces holidays and makes them the basis of an entire ad campaign, that’s gold in my book.

The ad recalls a time before I was born when parties with a slew of guests were a common practice and entertaining on a weekly basis was the thing to do. Finger foods were a hot commodity and quirky adult beverages were always on the menu.

Let me break this scene down for you. A spooky witch, A knight, and Mr. Pumpkinhead with the argyle shirt are all at a dinner party. It looks as if the witch is attempting to scare the letters in the word BOOO and those letters are shooting back sarcastically with one of those “shakin’ in their boots” mocks back to her as if her attempts are not really scary at all, cause he knows the drill. Boo has been around the block many times with this witch. Cannot pull the wool over his eyes anymore…or the sheet.

The main focal point, of course, is the beer, which looks so damn appealing. It almost looks more like an ice cream soda with whip cream swirled on top than a plain old beer. And look how this brew is making these m’fers HAPPY. You can almost hear Pharrell Williams singing the background song of this ad.

The Knight is completely psychotic and will without a doubt KILL Mr. Pumpkinhead after the first round of hors de ouvers. Hopefully he’ll let everyone grab a cocktail wiener on a toothpick before he chops this poor guys head off and puts it over his head to reenact the legend of Sleepy Hollow out front to the delight of the snobby drunk well-to-do folks who attended this soiree. I just realized, cocktail wieners were completely out of the question for this party, CORRECTION – Crab Puff pastries, my bad.

If you can read the very tiny verbiage, it describes talking with our hands as if it was an ancient thing, which is interesting. Jerseyans and New Yorkers are often described as people who talk with their hands, so this part of the ad works on two levels. Here, hand gestures are referred to as a “Handy.” Stop smirking. This is serious beer business.

The handy mumbo jumbo doesn’t make much sense to me, but I chalk that up to it’s age. Maybe at one time it made perfect sense to readers. We don’t really need to connect with this lingo, because apparently, all we need to know is that the “OK” hand signal means this Ballantine stuff is a superlative beer.

According to Wikipedia The new Ballantine is not the same exact brew as it once was because the original recipe from over 100 years ago has been lost to the ages. Presently, it’s been said that the brew is reminiscent of it’s original flavor. I’ve tried it actually found it enjoyable, and easy to drink. If you want to add a vintage flair to your Halloween party this year, give Ballantine a shot, look how happy it made the Knight and Mr. Pumpkinhead!

*Long after I wrote this, a coincidental thing about this beer happened. I was driving home last weekend from Weehawken, NJ on the NJ Turnpike with Miss Sexy Armpit and we saw a giant Ballantine billboard. It looks like this beer is attempting to make a comeback! I had no clue about that either because this post had been in the can for about a month before I even saw that billboard!

Facts about Ballatine from Wikipedia:

– Founded in Newark in 1840, the company stayed in the Ballantine family until the brewery close in 1972.

– Ballantine, based out of Newark, exists in name only nowadays. The brand is owned and marketed by Pabst while the actual brewing is outsourced to Miller.

– Ballatine was a longtime sponsor of the New York Yankees

– Martin Crane on Frasier was a fan of Ballatine beer

Pete and Pete, Pumpkin Eaters, and Pictures

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Captures from the The Adventures of Pete and Pete Season 2 episode “Halloweenie”
A good way to measure how much older you are than someone you meet is to calculate how many years ago the debut of Nickelodeon is from the year they were born. I grew up with the golden age of Nick and so many of my younger friends have a difficult time relating to that era because they weren’t born until later. They started watching Nick in the mid to late ’90s. Nowadays you can just dial up any show old or new on the Internet, but looking back at some ancient Pinwheel episode doesn’t do it justice. Comparing it to shows today is unfair. I’m not exaggerating when I say this, but when shows like Pinwheel and You Can’t Do That On Television were popular they were mind blowing to kids, and especially to stoned adults. I would never say Nick’s lineup throughout the ’90s was any less great, but it’s in a different way because times were a-changin’.

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One of the many beloved shows that aired on Nick in the ’90s was The Adventures of Pete and Pete which premiered on Nick in November of 1993. I’d say by 1992 I was pretty much phased out of Nickelodeon for the sole reason that I stopped watching TV so often and getting more into activities that required actual movement rather than vegetating on the couch. Although the ’90s were definitely not my Nick time, I really wish I hadn’t missed out on The Adventures of Pete and Pete, a show that was set in Wellsville, NY, but predominantly filmed in New Jersey.

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Recently I asked my friend Steve, resident Pete and Pete expert, if there was ever a Pete and Pete Halloween episode, and he rapidly replied “YES.” I was pretty excited to hear this because I was looking forward to checking out the old Nick show that I never got a chance to watch when I was younger. I recently got a hold of it and my first reaction to the episode “Halloweenie,” which aired in October 1994, was jackpot. Here’s the synopsis taken from Nickipedia:

“Younger Pete decides to enter the annals of history by breaking the record for most houses visited on Halloween and tries to enlist the help of Older Pete. Older Pete is torn between his loyalty to his brother and the coming of age and abandonment of the childhood ritual of Trick-Or-Treating. He must decide whether to face the ridicule of his peers and go Trick-Or-Treating or to join the notorious “Pumpkin Eaters”, a group of vandals who terrorize neighborhood “Halloweenies.”

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I’m a kid at heart so little Pete’s love for Halloween and desire to break the trick or treating record appeals to me, but I can totally relate to big Pete’s fear of becoming a Halloweenie. As a fellow suburban kid, there was a definitive point where I stopped trick or treating because I felt that the ritual needed to be reserved exclusively for the kids and I never went back, but I remain a mega-fan of Halloween.

The amount of nostalgic Halloween images contained in this episode was an unexpected surprise. The story was fun, albeit not as horrific as I was hoping for, but it was on Nickelodeon after all. The Pumpkin Eaters looked cool, but they weren’t very formidable, they just made a mess of everything. The episode evokes an awesome Halloween vibe and as the credits rolled I sat wishing it lasted another half hour.

“Halloweenie” Facts:

*Production of the show was moved to Cranford after the show made such a mess of the town during the filming of “Halloweenie.” They did make quite a mess. There’s hundreds of smashed pumpkins and streamers, etc. It looked like a thousand kids who mainlined Ghoul-Aid were let loose on mischief night.

*Iggy Pop appears as, Mr. Mecklenberg, a recurring character who is little Pete’s best friend Nona’s (Michelle Trachtenberg) father. In this episode Iggy Pop calls someone a “Stooge.”

Great Geek Gorge #9: Pumpkin Everything

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 photo starbuckspumpkin01_zps432eec38.jpgOn Twitter a lot of my friends have been tweeting photos of stuff they are seeing in stores like Fall themed snack cakes and Monster cereals. Every year all I remember is saying to myself “Halloween, already? It’s still summertime!” Usually stores are overzealous and jump the gun by a few weeks. I’ve been to every damn grocery store around here and haven’t seen much of anything reflecting Halloween yet, aside from candy. At the time of this post, none of my local stores have Monster cereals on the shelves, while it seems like mostly everyone I know in other parts of the country has already been bragging about having multiple boxes of them for at least a week. Maybe we are jumping the gun? Ah, f*ck no. It’s never too early to start celebrating Halloween or the Fall season in general. It’s the best time of the year. Christmas is great and all, but it’s too damn cold up here in Jerz. The Halloween season is perfect and I’m hoping we get it’s weather and it’s goods sooner than later.

If you follow me on Instagram you know what I had this weekend. I waited all year for it and damn did it taste good! It was my first sip of pumpkin coffee from Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts this season. I indulged in both over the weekend. The Starbucks Pumpkin Latte is so far ahead of Dunkin Donuts’ Pumpkin coffee in terms of flavor. Starbucks pumpkin tastes like pumpkin pie and I don’t know if they’re actually murdering pumpkins out back to make this stuff or what, but it tastes awesome. I still feel a bit too anxious for fall to arrive though. The gross heat, humidity, and sick thunderstorms we’ve had here in Jersey this weekend makes Fall feel like it’s so far away.

I’ll be showing you a couple of things I did manage to find in a moment, but first, something I DIDN’T buy. Usually I buy two of everything regardless of knowing if it’s good or not. That’s a complete mistake because more than half the time, it usually sucks. I’m an easy target for gimmicky shit and limited edition crap, but this time I didn’t let myself get suckered.

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Take pumpkin spice M&Ms for example. It’s not like I don’t enjoy M&M’s because, what’s not to like? They’re little pellets of chocolate covered in a colorful candy shell. They come alive as wide-eyed candy mascots on TV too. All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t ordinarily go out to purchase a bag of M&Ms. On a rare occasion I might get a craving for a fun sized pack of peanut M&Ms at a vending machine, but I’ve been burned many times on the full sized gimmick bags too many times.

Any time a new variety comes out like Peanut Butter or Coconut M&Ms, I’m usually disappointed. I wasn’t going to be seduced by a cute orange M&M dressed up like a pumpkin on the front of the bag leering at me in Target. As I picked up a bag of Pumpkin Spice M&Ms excitedly, I was overcome by dejavu, and then I threw them back on the shelf, and walked away proudly. Not before taking a picture of course. I’m sure they’re delicious, but I’ll never know because they don’t sell packs of just 3 M&Ms just for tasting purposes.

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My best purchase so far isn’t what you’d think. When it comes to beer I don’t have expensive taste. I always prefer the middle of the road beers. I don’t enjoy ales or trendy microbrews. That said, I’ve spent the last few fall seasons buying literally cases of beer that went to waste because I wound up hating it. This year I was on an A-Team style mission. I visited all of my local liquor stores to find a pumpkin beer that I would enjoy the taste of and would bring to mind the flavors of the season. I realize that a lot of the seasonal pumpkin beers really work for many of you, they just aren’t for me. Drinking an ale makes me feel like I’m drinking bitter muddy water.

Since my taste preference is for the basic type of beer, I looked for a pumpkin lager, not an ale or IPA anything else that might exist. During a trip to the local Joe Canal’s, I found a 6-pack of Lakefront Pumpkin Lager and I was really excited. I brought it home and chilled it for a while. Later I cracked one open and was immediately smitten with the taste. It was exactly the pumpkin beer I was looking for, but where has it been all my life?

A little further investigation lead me to find out via the Lakefront Brewing website that it’s the ONLY pumpkin lager brewed in the WORLD. How the hell is this possible? If the highest selling beers in the country are the most basic beers that exist, why wouldn’t the pumpkin beers get a wide release in that same style? Who cares, I finally found what I was looking for, but what were the chances? If I never found this I would’ve kept looking for one seasonal style of beer that is nearly non-existent.

Miss Sexy Armpit and I each enjoyed one last night. The lager is brewed with pumpkin and spices and it’s definitely apparent. The consistency is smooth, and almost creamy for a lager. There’s not much effervescence and the head is minimal, but the aftertaste is amazing. It left a resounding pumpkin pie and spice flavor in my mouth. It’s one of the most enjoyable beers I’ve ever had. Snotty beer connoisseurs would scoff at this. Keep in mind that I am used to drinking typical lagers and pilsners, so if you are like me, then you’ll LOVE this. Now, onward!

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Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts wasted NO time hitting store shelves. In fact, they were my first purchase for the Halloween season several weeks ago along with candy corn and mellocreme pumpkins. To me, Pop-Tarts are rarely bad unless they are some zany variety like Wildlicious Wild Berry, and yes that’s actually a real flavor. These have a decent pumpkin flavor and they come through to fill the void in your breakfast portion of your fall lineup. I’ve yet to try them toasted, but I imagine they would be even better. Some people think toasting a Pop-Tart is grounds for the death penalty, but not me. I reserve toasting for special occasions though, and by special occasions I mean when I’m not being too lazy to get the toaster out.

Next up, we have the Tazo Pumpkin Spice Chai Latte. Tazo is now a division of Starbucks and this one of their pre-made mix cartons that you can serve either hot or cold. I prefer to have it cold, which is not only tastier to me, but also easier to prepare. Just pour equal parts milk and the latte mix over ice and whammo – you have a cold Pumpkin Spice Latte. Definitely a nice addition to the barrage of pumpkin stuff hitting stores.

Out of all this stuff I’d easily say the Lakefront Pumpkin Lager was my favorite purchase and I recommend it to you. Thanks for stopping by and come back to The Sexy Armpit soon for more of the Halloween countdown festivities!

Entenmann’s Pumpkin and Cider Donuts

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In hopes of finding the annual delicacy of Entenmann’s Halloween Cupcakes at the local Quick Check, I struck out, but found other suitable treats. Listen, I said suitable, not exactly worthy of replacing those delicious cupcakes that even Shawn from Branded in the ’80s lusts after, but still a good find! Entenmann’s Pumpkin and Cider Donuts made their way into my radar and I went for them. There’s 16 donuts here…no way in hell I’ll eat even half of these, but I wanted to taste them. 2 boxes for $6 bucks wasn’t bad.

Taste test time. Poured a mug of milk. Pumpkin was first. Nothing too mind blowing, mild pumpkin flavor, though not as distinct as I was expecting. They sort of remind me of a regular glazed Entenmann’s donunt or Frosted Pop’em, but with cinnamon and pumpkin flavor. Still very good, and more moist and enjoyable than Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Donut.

Cider was next. As much as I didn’t want to believe it, these were actually slightly better than the Pumpkin donuts. Both feature the same type of glaze and softness. It may be because I wasn’t expecting much, but they really surprised me. Usually the apple flavor in other Cider donuts is sickeningly sweet, but here it was just right. These were really friggin’ good and I’d like to inhale another one, but I’m stopping myself.

The problem with Entenmann’s is that everything they make is addicting. Their chocolate chip cookies are my most favorite chocolate chip cookies ever. I can eat a box without even thinking. That’s dangerous because their products aren’t really healthy for ya. Moderation folks. But with these sitting on my counter…it’s too much of a tease. Want to share them with me? By the end of Halloween I’ll probably have gained 10 pounds.

I Actually Baked Betty Crocker Pumpkin Bars!

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It’s not very often that I get motivated enough to cook or bake. In fact, I don’t think I’ve baked a real dessert in the entire time I’ve lived on my own. My stove collects dust and my oven sometimes opens it’s door to let out cries for attention like “Pleeeease slip a casserole in me,” “C’mon Jay, shove that oiled up pan inside me,” and the very cutting standby “bake some damn cookies you lazy bastard!” Since it’s Pumpkin-mania everywhere it’s too enticing to pass up some of the great desserts while browsing the grocery aisles. On a recent shopping excursion I picked up 2 of possibly the simplest pumpkin flavored desserts to make in history that will serve as a nice treat during the Halloween Countdown.

Betty Crocker’s always been known to help a brother out in the kitchen…and a sister. I really would invest more time into cooking, if I had it, but these powdery concoctions can be made in almost no time at all. By the time I get home from work, cooking is the last thing I want to do. Crap, why would I want to slave over a meal that I’m going to devour in 4 minutes when there’s important programming to enjoy on my DVR?

So, it’s not as rare as Halley’s Comet, but once in a while I do actually cook/bake. This time I decided to bake. Out of the two that I picked up, Betty Crocker’s Pumpkin Bars and Pumpkin Spice Cookies, I obviously opted for the easier to make of the two. Making the dough and then forming the actual cookies out of the dough would’ve been an extra step that I couldn’t be fooling around with. I had other important duties to tend this weekend like watching The Loved Ones and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Pumpkin Bars it is!

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The directions recommend butter, or a spread that is 65% vegetable oil, so I opted for the slightly healthier option of Smart Balance instead. Melted that up, and threw it in a bowl with the powder mix. Here’s where the hard labor comes in: I mixed that shit up all by myself. My arm was getting sore that’s how serious I was when mixing it. The dough became like a big ball and then I formed it into the baking dish (or pan, whichever you are using). I used a dish since that’s all I had in the condo. Sprayed the dish with fat-free canola oil before throwing in the dough. After about 25 minutes in the oven, I took it out and it looked and smelled excellent.

I was surprised because I was sure it was going to come out looking like a ridiculous globby mess, but it looked really good. Directions said to let it cool completely, so I went back to my movie watching and came back to ice it. The directions also recommend using Betty Crocker Cream Cheese icing, but the store I was in didn’t carry that so I got Pillsbury Cream Cheese icing. The icing job wasn’t stellar, but originally I wasn’t even going to put icing on it so I’m cutting myself some slack.

On my first taste test with a glass of milk, the bars actually came out delicious. When my family jokes around about who really made them, I’ll be honest – Betty Crocker only did half the work. I churned that dough up like I was a friggin’ machine. And I slathered that icing on like I was my 8 year old nephew. These pumpkin bars won’t be sticking around very long, but luckily those cookies will last me through the majority of the Halloween Countdown! 

Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 67

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It struck me as odd to see a Bon Jovi Halloween T-shirt being advertised at their official web store. A band like KISS can never be questioned for having a Halloween shirt because their whole persona is built on their macabre costumes, especially Gene Simmons. You won’t go to a Halloween party this year without seeing at least one person or an entire group dressed as KISS. Yet, even if you see a group of guys dressed up as Bon Jovi, they will easily be mistaken for “any ’80s hairband,” unless they’re the minority who decide on the “early ’90s Bon Jovi, after they all cut their hair.”

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All of this leads me to wonder about this bizarre Bon Jovi/Halloween correlation they are touting on this cool Jack-O-Lantern T-Shirt which goes for an astounding $29.99! While you’re scrounging up the cash to pay for it, take a look at the Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi:

5. Sure he’s a talented songwriter but David Bryan’s hair is insanely ludicrous. Listen buddy, it’s time to go to whatever store in France that Bret Michaels did. Shit, even Gene Simmons hair, which looks like licorice flavored cotton candy, is better than that preposterous crown of curls. Dear Dave: this isn’t 18th century Europe!

4. Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. Those are some humongous white chompers! His childhood dream of becoming the next Dr.Teeth and the Eletric Mayhem band is one step closer to realization, except for the good rocking music of course.

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3. Jon Bon Jovi’s acting. If you ever need to kill any vampires, call Jon Bon Jovi: Freelance Vampire Slayer. He eradicates vampires with the power of his jazz hands.

2. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are Italians from Jersey. (Just in case you were wondering what happened to Alec John Such.)

1. What’s truly the scariest thing about Bon Jovi is that somehow people are buying their newer music. Every time I’m finished doing my business on the toilet, I look down at the water flushing into the black hole, and all I think of is “The Circle,” Bon Jovi’s latest atrocious album. If you happen to be rich and really cool and you decide to give out those ancient relics known as CD’s instead of candy for Halloween this year – don’t bother giving out any copies of Bon Jovi’s “The Circle.” Kids might throw it back at you.

The Jersey Jack O’Lantern!

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The Jersey Jack O’Lantern

Over the weekend I noticed an awesome tweet from our friend Laryssa of the Comma ‘n Sentence blog. She and her brother combined forces to carve the world’s coolest New Jersey Jack O’Lantern! Laryssa was nice enough to let me post some of the pictures she took during the creation of this badass pumpkin. Laryssa also offered us some insight as to what inspired her to cut The Garden State into her pumpkin:

“My brother and I are kind of obsessed with New Jersey. He attends school in Maryland, but he was home this past weekend for Fall Break. Making a New Jersey pumpkin was our way of celebrating how excited he was to be home. We thought about carving cartoon characters, even the typical Jack O’Lantern face. But this is more personal.” 

A big thanks to Laryssa Wirstiuk and her brother! Remember to stop by her blog as well!

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