A Theme: What I Want For Christmas

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Stealing from a couple of classic Christmas movies and songs, there are a few ways I can start this. Mrs. Shields wanted us to write a theme so here goes or if anyone wants any last minute gift ideas for me, (that means YOU Cousin Eddie) and there’s also the Tenacious D/Sum 41 song “Hey now Santa I’m writing to you cause there’s a lot of cool shit I want…” Either way, like Bob & Doug said, “There’s lots of ideas in here, so listen and don’t get stuck”:

Dear Santa,


These are just a few of the things I want. I know I can’t have them all, but if I don’t write them down I might forget. Would you mind keeping these on file for next year in case you can’t make one or two of them happen? Thank you, and you can be sure we’ll leave some good shit for you in case you have the munchies.


Sincerely,


The Sexy Armpit

1) The He-Man Power Sword – offered by Toonseum and Filmation, it was the actual sword He-Man used on the float at the 1986 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

2) A flyby from TokiDoki Tattoo Barbie in her Barbie Glamour Jet – Please instruct her to blow me a kiss before she drops a huge shipment of Margaritaville Salsa.

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3) Rhonda Shear and Up All Night is making a comeback – you can check that one off the list

4) Force Chris Collinsworth into retirement from sportscasting

5) Convince Hef to Let The Sexy Armpit Re-Open The Great Gorge Playboy Club in NJ
In this Christmas wish the old Playboy Club in New Jersey is back in action, and it’s rocking better than ever. Hugh personally tapped me to be in charge of it. On one cold Friday night I’m chilling in a hot tub sipping Bubble Gum flavored Kool Aid that Amber Heard served to me in her bunny outfit. To my right is Katy Perry in Rainbow Brite getup. The Bella Twins are laying behind me sprawled out on the deck whispering cute little flirtations into my ear and giggling while sipping a moderately priced champagne. To the left of me is my pal Larry Dallas who’s cracking me up while his on again off again lady friend Princess Giselle looks on with a smile in awe. Providing tunes up on the nearby stage is none other than Prince who just invited Meatwad to join him for a duet of “Little Red Corvette.”

Louis Tully stands by in pajamas with feet and his earmuffs on grasping his canon and saturating us with pink mood slime. Seconds later the record scratches as the maniacal Purple Pie Man crashes the party. We thought he was going to wreak havoc, but he just had a huge blowout with Sour Grapes and wanted to come see if Raspberry Tart and her pet monkey wanted to get into some late night mischief. After some mind altering experiences we take the Batplane to Houlihans and enjoy a shitlaod of their delectable So. Cal Fish Tacos. I can’t stay out too late though because I have a mini-golf outing planned the next morning with Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein. I need to be on point because he’s a bad ass on the course.

6) CGI Danny Devito as a normal Penguin into Batman Returns
I tend to watch Batman Returns during Christmas time and as much as I love Tim Burton I always feel like it needs a lot of improvement. What I’d really love to see with modern computer technology is a revamped version that makes it more of a traditional Batman film. One of the making of documentaries explained that Burton was hesitant to do a sequel to Batman but was coerced into it when the WB big-wigs said he could “make it a Tim Burton movie.” That’s what makes Batman Returns so different than Batman. There would be more of a connection to the first movie if it wasn’t so warped. Penguin never had flippers for hands or ate raw fish right out of it’s scaly body. He was a little rich pipsqueak. There’s a lot of haters of the ’60s Batman show, but Burgess Meredith really nailed the original vision of The Penguin. I know that Burton’s freakish take on The Penguin was just an alternate way to see the character, but I think making DeVito’s Penguin more like the Batman Returns figure that was released by Kenner would’ve made a better Bat-film.

7) Goldust vs. Cody Rhodes

Sure I’d love to see Stone Cold or Jericho come back to fight CM Punk, but there’s also lots of talk on Twitter trying to gear up for this family feud. I’m instigating it as well. I was never really a fan of Dustin until he premiered the character Goldust in WWE in 1995. I immediately became obsessed with his bizarre ways. I went so far as to dress up as him for our backyard wrestling events, face paint and all. I creeped out all my friends. My first ever AOL screen name was even Goldust1. To see him make a comeback against his brother Cody would be awesome, especially with that kickass classic white Intercontinental title on the line! Make it happen WWE!

12 Songs My iPod Spit Out Today

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My iPod picked out quite an awesome set of music for me during my morning commute to work today. This shuffle leans heavily on rock and manages to slide in some ’80s classics as well.

1) Try it Again – The Hives
2) Undone – Weezer
3) Shockwave – Black Tide
4) Back to Paradise – .38 Special
5) New Girl Now – Honeymoon Suite
6) Hot Girls in Good Moods – Butch Walker & The Let’s Go Out Tonites
7) Getting Away with Murder – Papa Roach
8) I Want You – Kiss
9) Fallen Angel – Poison
10) Now is the Time – Damone
11) Rockaway Beach – The Ramones
12) Guitar – Prince

Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band Playing Super Bowl Halftime Show?

Ok so I’m a little behind keeping up with the rumor mill. A couple of days ago, The New York Post reported that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will be playing this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. This sounds like a great idea but I don’t think anyone can surpass last year’s performance by Prince. So many of the halftime shows get so hyped up and then turn out to be less than mediocre.

In other music news:
I’ll have a review of last night’s Poison/Dokken/Sebastian Bach show later tonight.

Seduced by Barbie

Throughout my life there’s been many reasons why people have questioned my sexuality. Perhaps it was my pink bandanna phase. I swore that it was inspired by Jesse “the Body” Ventura but no one ever believed me. “Yeah right Jay, sure…Jesse the Body…that‘s it!” Even during backyard wrestling matches I’d come out dressed up like the androgynous Goldust, face paint and all freaking everyone out. My lifelong obsessions with Madonna and Prince didn’t help the cause either. Hell, I’ve even been on the receiving end of a massage and a pedicure! Go ahead, call me metro sexual. Luckily though, in my defense, there’s never been any concrete evidence against me on the subject of questioning my sexuality. Until now that is…

You see, as a child growing up with an older sister it was extremely difficult to get her to do “boy things” with me. Somehow when my sister finally caved in on those random occasions, I found myself unfulfilled when she would play as the Princess Leia action figure. Of course if it was He-Man time, she would be Teela. She wasn’t the worst action figure player but she wasn’t quite in tune with the “scene” if you catch my drift. She didn’t know Eternia from Ecuador. Ram Man could’ve been a mythological creature who was half ram and half man for all she knew. But alas she gave it her best effort. My sister’s finest skills weren’t in the creating of an original storyline to have the action figures take part in but they were in merely setting up the figures as if they were going to be in some sort of photo shoot. She would say things like “Let’s put all the good guys over here and the bad guys over here.” She was very organizational with these plastic heroes of mine. I guess I didn’t mind either because at least she was paying attention to me. There’d be times when she actually would play with her Barbie dolls and do their hair and make sure they all had the right outfits on and then set them up against the wall to show them off. To my sister it seemed like the details were more important than what adventures her dolls would be partaking in.

When my sister was in her Barbie doll playing mood, she’d be on one side of the room while I’d be on the other with my action figures. At first I detested these Barbies but then after I watched her through the open mouth of castle gray skull I realized she was having a fabulous time. (There’s another strike against me, I just used the word FABULOUS!) It wasn’t that my figures and playsets weren’t fulfilling me it was just that she seemed like she was accomplishing something with her Barbie Dolls while I sat with a bunch of hunks of plastic and Moss Man. There was a lot more pressure on me to create my own little stories to act out with the Universe of He-Man, GI Joe, WWF, etc. She could sit there and throw Skipper on a horse and have a super good time while Barbie and Ken made out on a park bench. It was that easy. Dammit, you could have anything happen in the ginormous Barbie Dream house she had. Fuck, it was called a DREAM HOUSE! Anything could happen in it! My sister even had the Barbie yacht that floated around in the pool! Talk about a cool invention! She had the Barbie corvette and everything you could possibly think of. This was the early ‘80s when Barbie was expanding her hobbies and accessories beyond your wildest dreams. Barbie’s family and group of friends suddenly grew extensively as if she just found out that she had another entire family in a parallel universe.

With her Barbie collection there was so much to be enticed by. Meanwhile I had already planned Skeletor to invade Grayskull and rule Eternia about a bazillion times. Buzz Off was getting a little boring and Duke, Shipwreck, and Zartan were already fed up with my unoriginal plots that I’d been casting them in. Let’s just say one day we all had a little falling out and I defected to the OTHER side of the room…my SISTERS side of the room.

If you’ve ever seen the episode of That ‘70s show where Kelso lets Jackie do his hair and makeup and then puts him in a dress, that’s the way I felt that day but I had fun. This move was voluntary and purely for investigative purposes. Naturally as a young healthy boy I would never think of playing with Barbie dolls, unless Cobra was plotting a terrorist attack on Barbie’s Dream house. Nah, I didn’t have anything elaborate like that planned but it just looked like fun. After my sister showed me how to primp these bitches then I set off hot-rodding in her corvette and chillin’ out in the DREAM HOUSE. It was that day that I fell in love with a hot little piece of plastic and her name was Skipper.

To be continued…

I’m raging!

I thought I was going crazy for a second. I was all pumped to watch the Parade and then I see that they took Prince off the list of scheduled talent for the event. Many websites still list him but the Macy’s site has taken him off. Is this a scam? Are they just trying to make it a surprise now? I hope so. I stopped watching the WWE McMahon special on WWE 24/7 just for this. Plus, who the hell wants to see the self absorbed Meredith Viera? She sucks and she’ll never have the charisma of Katie Couric.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Remember to have some caffiene to ward off that sleepiness from the turkey. Another update is coming soon.

Jumping the Purple Turkey

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is supposed to feature Prince this year. Is this ok with everyone? I’m sure not all of you are as big a Prince fan as I am but don’t you think this is a bit odd? After he performed on American Idol last season I thought it was just a cool thing he did. Prince knocked Idol saying he hated the show and had no intention of ever being on it. Then he shows up at the last minute, performs his latest single and gets the hell off the show.

Perhaps Prince is “Jumping the Turkey” instead of the shark. Will Prince be performing on a float with a bunch of dancers dressed as Purple Pilgrims? I’m not sure that “Black Sweat” his latest track is made for the Thanksgiving morning tradition. Prince might wind up actually fucking a Turkey on the float. I’m interested in watching this because his appearance seems kinda weird unless he performs a remake of the Golden Girls theme song. We’ll see what happens in just a few short days. Typically I get bored out of my mind watching all the silly bands and other nonsense that doesn’t hold my attention. Just bring out Santa already!

I think this year they should have a float of Satan’s Little Helper and an actual Root Beer Float sponsored by A & W. That would kick ass. It could be interactive if you are lined up on the street because then it would spray random squirts of Root Beer at everyone. Once again, that’s kickass.