New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.46: Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole

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Derek Jeter promoted his imaginary restaurant when he hosted a December 2001 episode of Saturday Night Live. The hysterical commercial jingle was sung to the tune of The Beach Boys’ “Kokomo.”

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“I think you’ll agree that we’re one of the top 5 Mexican Restaurants in all of Northern New Jersey. It’s Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole off Route 3 in Nutley, New Jersey next to the Kinko’s and El Duqe’s Shoe Repair.”

“Thaaaat’s where I wanna go…Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole!”

Jersey’s Got The Most Haters?

From the Associated Press:

NJ Tops List in Anti-Semitic Hate Crimes

PARAMUS, N.J. (AP) — New Jersey had more anti-Semitic incidents reported in 2008 than any other state. The ADL says there were 238 incidents reported in the Garden State compared to 247 in 2007. California was second with 226 incidents reported and New York was third with 207. ADL regional director Etzion Neuer says the number of reports in New Jersey could be inflated compared to others because New Jersey has a large Jewish population. Information from: The Record of Bergen County, www.northjersey.com

He’s Dolph Ziggler and He Needs Google Maps

WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler, who formerly paraded around as a male cheerleader in The Spirit Squad, has proven himself a capable singles competitor on Friday Night Smackdown. Ziggler impressed me so much in such a short time and has soared high above another WWE Superstar who was supposedly destined for mega-success. Who is that other wrestler? Why it’s…(mic drops from rafters)…MISSSTTTEEERRR KENNEDY! Kennedy! Drawing comparisons between these two comes to me as easy as vomit travels up into my mouth whenever I see Vicki Guerrero.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Dolph Ziggler
It would be hard to determine a winner in this bout since both of these WWE Superstars sport bleach blonde hair, elicit strong crowd reactions, and introduce themselves repeatedly. In this competition, Kennedy excels thanks to the experience factor and cemented fan base, while Ziggler edges out Kennedy in mat versatility and ability to draw heat from the crowd. Ziggler’s determination will skyrocket him to the top of the WWE, but not before he pays his dues in matches against jobbers like M.V.P. who’s been riding off the fame of View host Sherri Shepard. Ziggler doesn’t need Joy Behar to get people to notice him, he’ll grab your attention whether you like it or not.

In this clip from WWE Smackdown, Ziggler refers to New York as New Jersey, “…I am gonna win the United States Championship tonight, right here in NEW JERSEY!” This is the ultimate sin to the ears of New Yorkers, especially those in the crowd packed into the world’s most famous arena, Madison Square Garden! May I call that a “Ziggler Zinger?” Oh, but of course we Jersey folks have to suck it up every single time a band or a singer shouts “How you doin’ New York?” when they’re in The Meadowlands in East Rutherford, NJ and when that same band is performing in Atlantic City greeting the crowd with a geographically erroneous “What’s up Philadelphia?” Why does Jersey always get the shaft? Right on Dolph Ziggler, you tell ’em where they’re at! After his “Hi, my name is Dolph Ziggler” intro, he should add a “What’s up New Jersey?” to his gimmick regardless of what state he’s wrestling in. Referring to all the states as New Jersey seems to be the supreme slap in the face. Regardless of good or bad press, thanks for name dropping NJ, Ziggler, we’ll take it! 

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.17: NJ’s Commemorative Quarter

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For President’s Day, and in honor of the stimulus package getting passed, let’s take a look at currency kicked with a dash of Jersey. According to Wikipedia, in 1997, Bill Clinton signed the 50 States Commemorative Coin Program Act into law. The US Mint honored all 50 states with their own commemorative quarter. The coinage raked in quite a bit of dough for the government just based on collectors alone.

New Jersey’s quarter was the 3rd release in the state quarter series, which wasn’t too shabby. Delaware and Pennsylvania were the only states that preceded the Garden State’s. NJ’s coin features George Washington’s army crossing the Delaware on his way to surprise the Hessians and wreck house in the Revolutionary War. We’ve all seen this before. The reverse side design is inspired by the 1851 Emmanuel Leutze painting Washington Crossing the Delaware. I really thought NJ could’ve sprung to throw an original design on there rather than a painting we’ve been looking at for over 150 years.

According to usmint.gov, this quarter was the first circulating coin to feature George Washington on both sides. (I guess they had no idea that I have GW’s silhouette tattooed on both of my asscheeks.) I find it ridiculous that it took a board of 15 people (descriptively referred to as the New Jersey Commemorative Coin Design Commission) “who were selected for their backgrounds in history, art, and numismatics,” and Christine Todd Whitman all to approve a coin design! Talk about overkill.

For those who aren’t on board with the stimulus package, why don’t you lobby for another set of state quarters, but a series more accurate to modern times? New Jersey’s will obviously feature refineries, toxic swamps, and the Jersey Devil smiling giddily giving a thumbs up. California’s would naturally feature Dutch from Predator puffing on a cigar resting his machine gun on his shoulder as the Hollywood sign rests on the hills behind him. What’s up with New York you ask? Gozer the Gozerian is shooting laser beams right at us from high atop Dana Barret’s apartment building with terror dogs on each side of her. Florida? C’mon that’s a no brainer! Scrooge McDuck. Now I’d buy those for a quarter!

“New Pepsi Logo is an Atrocity!” says The Sexy Armpit.com

Last night, I had the genius plan of going to Walmart. Going there is like getting ass from a girl who you know you really don’t want ass from but you convince yourself that you need it and it might not be that bad. Then the minute you leave her house you realize it was a huuuge mistake and the whole ordeal took much longer than it should have. The only good thing that comes out of the situation is that you realize you didn’t catch anything, HOORAY! Even though I probably would’ve rather caught something than waited on the check out line for 45 minutes to buy a can of soda.

As my silly “not based on real life” analogy comes to an abrupt halt, take a gander to the left and peep out this cool retro Pepsi can I found at Walmart last night. Out of all the cool cans that are part of Pepsi’s aluminum retro collection, this is closest to the one I grew up with. “Take the Pepsi Challenge” appears on a banner at the bottom. It brought back memories, especially considering the atrocity that is the latest Pepsi logo…if you can call it a logo. Why is it in this country we constantly feel the need to unnecessarily change things?

Finding this can at the bottom of the shelf in the soda aisle reminded me that I took some pictures of vintage soda art when I was in Las Vegas recently. In the waiting area of the New York, New York Roller Coaster, the walls feature some awesome murals of retro soft drinks. I was easily more enthralled by this artwork than I was the actual roller coaster, which completely sucked ass. It wasn’t a fun time at all and the wait time didn’t justify how shitty the ride was. Perhaps I’m just spoiled living right up the NJ Turnpike from Six Flags Great Adventure.

These murals are from the “soft drink renaissance” of art history. You may recall studying that period in college. Upon careful scrutiny, do you notice anything strange about this one? The messed up thing is that the Mountain Dew cup has the modern day logo rather than it’s retro look.
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This mural features the Pepsi challenger race car and 3 classic soft drinks that have been lost to the ages: Pepsi Free, Pepsi Light, and Slice!
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When The Sexy Armpit opens “The Soft Drink Hall of Fame,” these 2 pieces will surely be prime exhibits!

McCain is Scared of New York but LOVES The Sexy Armpit!

New York and New Jersey definitely have separate personalities but they’re still joined at the hip. We can compare these two states to say…hmm…a really bad Farrelly Brothers movie called Stuck on You? A news story I read on Google explained that Republicans are apprehensive about setting up shop in the very state they claimed they would win: New York! You’re reading this right, John McCain has set up a campaign headquarters in my hometown of Woodbridge, New Jersey. So what’s this, when you wimp out attempting to conquer NY you always have New Jersey to fall back on? Whoa…no way…as the Dude, this aggression will not stand, man! Perhaps Republicans think it’s more pleasant and inviting here? Maybe they haven’t breathed in the fumes or gazed over the bay at the lovely fuel refineries and beautiful landfills we offer? They should think again since I’m sure they haven’t seen me on the road wreaking havoc yet. But since the Republicans wimped out of staking claim in an office in what is only the greatest city in the world, they “settled” on us in NJ. Let’s face the music here folks, NJ never had a cool tag line like “I Love New York.” They don’t love us, we have and always been getting New York’s sloppy seconds!

I’m not at peace with this. The only person who’s going to publicly desecrate this state is ME, not Johnny Boy McCain! Big deal that everyone calls N.J the ARMPIT of the universe, that doesn’t mean I want even higher level underhanded politicians desecrating our already corrupt and debauched state! Give us a break! Don’t you think we had enough with the McGreevy scandal? The guy used to work out at the same gym as me and I had no clue he was gay, I swear! He did kind of walk funny when he was on the treadmill though, perhaps that should’ve tipped me off. If I wasn’t so bent on bulking up for our backyard wrestling events back then, I may have realized it.

The McCain campaign is basically reaping the fine benefits of this town and it’s proximity to New York without giving anything back. The least McCain could do is lower our cable bills for a month or two, make highway tolls free for a week, buy us some free porn, drop our car insurance rates for a couple of months, or take us out for a few anticipatory celebratory drinks. The latter sounds more preposterous but it would be more cost effective for his campaign. So there you go McCain, if you’re shacking up in Woodbridge then you may as well take us over to the local Gin Mill and buy us a freakin’ round! Word has it that there’s Amstel Light specials Thursday nights. hint, hint you cheap bastard! Why don’t you make like Nicholson’s Joker and throw money all over the streets while blasting Prince? That would surely get you votes. “Vote for McCain, he gives away free money and beer!” That’s a solid way to gain a huge amount of votes from guys all over town!

I suppose both candidates will give enough back just by replacing our dim witted President George W. Bush. I was on Google this morning and I found a website that lists all the donations to Barack Obama’s campaign in my town. It was surprising to discover that around $50,000 has been donated to Barack’s campaign just in my town alone! I don’t think I’d ever donate my hard earned cash to any politician’s campaign while there’s a Real Ghostbusters complete series DVD set that I need to buy. Gee, let me think for a second…The Dark Knight Double disc Special Deluxe Edition or donate to a political campaign? That’s a no brainer! Who’s got money to blow like that when I’m saving for Disney Hopper passes? Shit.

Being able to see all the donation info is pretty creepy. To know that all the people who donated are listed by first and last name, how much they donated, their occupation, and place of business is pretty disturbing. I realize you can dig up that kind of information anywhere but to have it so readily available to anyone at anytime seems to be excessive. What’s the most troubling part of it is that it lists what candidate you donated to. This could provide enough fuel for some crazy person who has it in for you. Just think, that little donation to Barack of $46.00 could actually cost you your life after that psycho McCainiac goes on his rampage against people in all the blue states who’ve donated to the Democrats. It’s a risky business, one that can be easily taken control of by one of our world renowned organized crime families. Tony Soprano for President ’08!

and if you have about a free month or two you can read Phase II

The Sexy Armpit Will Be at the FIRST EVER ECTO-CON!

The great folks over at Real Ghostbusters Online are putting the ectoplasm in motion for the FIRST EVER Ecto-Con! This Ghostbusters Convention will be held in Manhattan and I’m super pumped for this. I’ll be there with the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper, will you join us? I’m hoping to makeout with alot of Janine Melnitz wannabe’s. The people at RGBO were nice enough to post an entry to my love song to Janine Melnitz not to long ago, so go pay them a visit and VOTE to let them know if you would attend this event. I CANNOT WAIT! If you’re a Ghostbusters fan you NEED to be there! And if you run a blog or website, please spread the word so we can ensure this becomes an annual event! Thanks!

New York City: Champion of Scuzz

It’s obvious that New York has always trumped New Jersey in their bitter rivalry for popularity. Although, in the battle for who’s scummier, smellier, and who has the better strip clubs, it’s usually a pretty close match up. A recent trip to NYC granted me the opportunity to hereby relinquish New Jersey’s contention in this silly grudge once and for all. WE SUBMIT!!!

I went to a bar in Manhattan where I took the risk of using the men’s room. As my tinkle started to trickle down into the urinal, I noticed a familiar title emblazoned on the brownish yellow urinal screen. I was actually paying attention to the urinal screen, so I figured I HAD to be drunk. But I wasn’t and the urinal screen said VAN WILDER! Van Wilder is one of my favorite movies and I doubted this promotional item was from the original Van Wilder, and my deduction was correct. After a close examination (yes folks, I DID make a closer examination…I may have actually made out with the bacteria, fly infested urinal, but I proved I was right)

The ribbon that used to be underneath the title VAN WILDER has worn off. It used to say The Rise of Taj. Regardless, according to IMDB The Rise of Taj went straight to DVD and was released for a short time theatrically on December 1st, 2006 and the DVD went on sale on March 27th, 2007. If my calculations are correct, promotional items for The Rise of Taj were probably put out at least a month ahead of time. I wonder how much longer they’ll leave this sickeningly old thing in there? I always knew NYC bathrooms were disgusting, but keeping that in the urinal for so long has to be violating some sort of health code.

I bet they have no idea that there’s some guy blogging about their urinal screen. Haha…it’s the little things. Secretly writing about their lack of changing their urinal screen really gives me the jollies for some reason. Probably cause I’m a sick fuck.

Perhaps they’re leaving the screen in there for the novelty factor, like an in-joke in a movie? Though the only people who are getting a little “rise” out of it are the people like me who appreciate obscure pop culture references that would’ve otherwise been lost to the ages. Or they’re just trying to be delightfully tacky. Something tells me that the actual DVD of The Rise of Taj will soon be worth as much as this 2-year old promotional urinal screen. I can see it making the ridiculously huge $5 bargain bins at Wal-Mart! Unless the bar owner can prove Justin Timberlake once pissed on it, I’m pretty sure it’s time to retire the Taj screen. DING, DING, DING!! Can we get Michael Buffer over here? HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF SCUZZ: NEW YORK CITY!!!

Scientific Deductions…

My recent observations have lead me to deduce that Goose shit looks like a big chunk of wasabi. Only, it doesn’t taste as good.

Also, why is it that while driving 70 or 80 on a road like the parkway or 287 with the windows cracked you can smell all kinds of stuff. You can smell coffee, people cooking, candy, flowers, dog food. It’s amazing. Is someone actually barbecuing in the back of their Toyota Matrix? I guess that’s not uncommon nowadays with all the rides that have been pimped.

I’m thinking The Sexy Armpit will go worldwide if there is a scandal where I get shot in my ass in front of a New York radio station. I doubt it will be hard to arrange. Someone get me Bobby Baccalieri on the phone…