NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 102: Jersey Girl Witch

Jersey Girl Witch
A Shop-Rite special: Jersey Girl Witch T-Shirt

Are there any references to spells, brooms, or cauldrons in the lyrics of Tom Waits’ 1980 track, “Jersey Girl?” I’m going to say no to that one, but I don’t think it would be wise to go around calling a Jersey girl a witch. She’d probably beat the hell out of you with her broom. If you can survive that one then you can enjoy today’s t-shirt that celebrates Halloween while loosely insinuating that girls from Jersey are indeed witches (not bitches, I swear).

No, most of the girls around here don’t resemble the Wicked Witch of the West, but a lot of them sure have attitudes. This shirt is partly correct in that sense…it’s just completely wrong in a fashion sense. Put it this way, I first saw this t-shirt last Halloween season in Shop-Rite of all places. Surprisingly they always come through with Jersey tees. I’m wondering if they have “Indiana Girl” witch t-shirts? If not, they’re really missing out! Can’t have it all I guess.

Blue, Blue Wine!

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F*ck politics. The Sexy Armpit is no place for politics, although it’s appropriate that I mention that New Jersey is a blue state. We’re not just a blue state because of our democratic leanings, but also because we’re known for our blueberries. In the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,” Billy Joel sings about “a bottle of red, a bottle of white,” but what if Billy was feeling patriotic and wanted to cap off his bender with a bottle of blue? Jersey Wine can make that happen with their Blueberry wine which I picked up the other day and tried it with Miss Sexy Armpit.

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I’m far from a wine drinker, but I’m totally a sucker for gimmicks. For those of us who aren’t into wine, Chianti or Pinot Noir doesn’t mean a damn thing, but show me a variety of fruit flavors and I might just fall for it. The liquor store at the local Wegman’s had a display of Jersey Wine which is made from Jersey grown grapes, or in this case blueberries. Out of the various flavors and varieties staring back at me, I went for the blueberry since it was a flavor of wine that I’ve never tasted. I’ve had cherry and several others, but they’re all too sweet for me nowadays. Not sure why I thought blueberry would be any different, but I wanted to support the local wine company.

After bringing the bottle home, we let it chill in the fridge for a few days since that’s what the label instructs. Last night it was time for the taste test. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t going to be a life changing experience, but I figured it was worth a shot. It was merely a coincidence that Miss Sexy Armpit had a new glass that she wanted to christen. What better way for her to taste this fruity concoction than in this hand painted Jersey Girl wine glass by Lolita that her mom found at Macy’s!

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On my first sip, the blueberry flavor was prominent, but so was the sweetness. The taste wasn’t overly sweet, but it was still a few levels too sweet for my liking. It lacked any bite which was nice, but drinking one small glass was quite enough for me. The fruit flavor would be good for a mixed drink, but the problem is that blueberry is a novelty flavor and isn’t used much in mixed drinks, or elsewhere, so I don’t see it taking the world by storm. It’s probably best used as an after dinner drink. If you enjoy blueberry and prefer your wine sweet, then I recommend this, but otherwise I’d pick up one of their more mainstream varieties. If you want something with more kick, another alternative is to buy the Jersey Wine Chianti and make the Jersey Girls drink that’s painted on the bottom of the wine glass:

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The Jersey Girl Wine Glass is available at this link via Designs by Lolita 
(A Martini glass is also available.)

Santa Brought Me Some Cool Shit

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KISS + The Beatles = The Beats T-Shirt and Batman lounge pants and Bat-Beer Koozie

Coal is some HOT shit. Instead, I got some cool shit for Christmas. Every year I’m very appreciative of the gifts people give me, the time and effort they put into choosing, buying, and wrapping them, and this year is no different. As usual, the holidays passed by so fast, and now I finally have the chance to look back at some of my gifts.

Usually it’s hard to even think of ideas to tell the people in my life who aren’t sure what to get me for Christmas. But it should actually be pretty easy come to think of it. I’ve liked comics, Batman, WWE/WWF, music, movies, KISS, SNL, Disney, and horror movies since I was a little kid so there’s a wide range of stuff to choose from right there. You can’t go wrong with a person who has a lot of interests.

Oh, and of course there’s my little obsession with the toxic sludge flooded state I call home. As highlighted here on The Sexy Armpit, pretty much anything Jersey related will also do the trick. To avoid having to do the previous rundown every time someone asks me for ideas, I usually just ask for some Tinker Toys…and iTunes and Amazon gift cards. The ‘Pit Crew picked out some really great ones this year. Let’s take a look at some of them:

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Disney Traditions Hitchhiking Ghosts Statue by artist Jim Shore

I’m a foolish mortal, and a HUGE Haunted Mansion fan. Last time I was in Disney World, I drooled over this baby in every store we shopped in. Thanks to Ms. Sexy Armpit for this badass surprise!
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Funky Chunks Soaps!

When you’re done reading this, click over to FunkyChunks.net and pick up some of their creatively handmade 100% Vegan soaps. Their soaps smell amazing and lather up nicely. After you’re done perusing, read about Michele Rosta, the former punk rocker from Cleveland turned New Jersey soap maker. I was happy to receive The Jersey Devil soap (pictured above) with an order I placed for Christmas. This gray, concrete looking bar of soap smells awesome and has a masculine sensibility, while their Jersey Girl soap (below) is more of a chick soap.

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For you non-Jersey maniacs out there, don’t worry, they also offer soaps that aren’t Jersey related such as Frosted Pumpkin, Bewitched, Secret Sin, and Lavender Lemonade to name a few. Trust me, if your mom is going to put soap in your mouth for dropping an F-bomb, you better pray it’s Funky Chunks!

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Ghosts of Central New Jersey and Hot Wheels FrankenBerry Van

My sister picked me up The Ghosts of Central Jersey by Richard J. Kimmel which is right up my alley, but I must confess, I bought the Franken Berry van for myself at Pathmark of all places. 

Straight No Chaser “Surfer Girl” Jersey Style

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLdahKw9EVM?rel=0]

If there’s ever a point where I admit something, I go all the way. Have you ever had a hard time admitting you were wrong and delivered one of those very weak, lame apologies? Well, I’m not like that at all, I go big with it.

Even though I had not seen the a cappella group STRAIGHT NO CHASER until this post, I was convinced that I A) Wouldn’t have a good time at an a Capella concert 2) There was no way these guys were anywhere near as amazing as their glowing reviews that I was being bombarded by. After seeing them at Harrah’s in Atlantic City, I was so blown away that I told everyone who urged me to see them how wrong I was and how it was probably in the top 10 best musical performances I’ve ever seen live in a concert setting. That’s a serious statement since the number of live concerts, cover bands, and other groups I’ve seen is probably in the thousands by now…seriously.

One aspects of Straight No Chaser’s performance that I thought was cool is how they discuss places and times in history, and basically how they effected the music they are performing. As they moved into Beach Boys territory it brought to mind the shores of California, but they turned it on it’s head! Sure, hopping in your woody and running down to the beach with your long board was popular in the ’60s on the WEST COAST, but what shore is most popular right now? That’s right…THE JERSEY SHORE! Somehow, even though they are a bunch of guys from Indiana, their supreme creativity and harmonization skills managed to incorporate a New Jersey theme into The Beach Boys classic “Surfer Girl.” The clip is posted above so you can see for yourself. I took my own video but I was further away so YouTube user DaisyKary came through with the video.

Check out Straight No Chaser’s official site where you can get CD’s, Merch, Tour Dates at

Thanks to Christine on Twitter (@LovedeAcappela) for keeping on my ass about getting this follow up post published!

Jersey Gurls Song Parody by Eric Portman

“Jersey Gurls” by Eric Portman
Eric Portman is a musician, artist, and of course a Jersey guy. He and The Sexy Armpit go way back. While in one of his early bands, Portman was a guest on one of my first radio shows and he also helped design graphics for an old website of mine. He’s a multi talented mofo and he’s funny too! Here is his hysterical parody of Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” done Jersey style. Head over to the link and give him a thumbs up! Nice job Eric! BTW, I took the liberty of changing the spelling of “Girls” to “Gurls,” since that’s the way Katy Perry’s song spells it.

LYRICS by ERIC PORTMAN


I know dis place, where the water’s sorta greener
slow, deep and hard, condoms floating in da water
pounding Jager bombs, smashing underneath the boardwalk
whores break dey necks, while dey checkin out my biceps

*you could travel the world, but nothing comes close to the jersey coast, you can party like us, we’ll smashing in the back of your moms beemer. ohhhhhhhhhh


**Jersey girls are so forgettable, mini skirts poof hair on top, herpes so bad they gunna melt your Popsicles. ohhhhhhhh

raw dawgin on da beach, f*ckin sand in my speedos
I’m pissing in my sleep , Bon Jovi on da stereo 
*
**
spray tanned, toned, but heavy…

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 61: Jersey Girl Cola

jerseygirlcola
The Jersey Girl/Coca-Cola T-Shirt 
available at finer Shop-Rite stores in New Jersey

Is there someone out there who really always wanted a Jersey Girl t-shirt that parodied the Coca-Cola Classic logo? I’d sincerely love to know how many women across the country had this one at the top of their Christmas wish lists last year. Actually, I take that back because there are quite a few collectors of Coca-Cola paraphernalia who would probably hurl me out of the way to get to the rack of these babies. I would imagine that if you are a female obsessed with Coca-Cola, and hail from New Jersey, this mashed up tee is a divine offering.

Jersey Girl Cocktail

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from the menu of Windansea in Highlands, NJ

After having dinner at Windansea in Highlands, NJ recently, I noticed The Jersey Girl was the first specialty drink listed on the menu. If you’re feeling creative, here’s the ingredients to make your very own Jersey Girl drink. Keep in mind, this sounds super sweet so it will most likely cause hangovers galore.
Laird’s Applejack

Triple Sec

Pineapple Juice

Cranberry Juice

Lemon-Lime Soda

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 42: Jersey Girl Corona Logo

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The Corona Style Jersey Girl T-Shirt 
can be found at finer Shop-Rite locations throughout the Central Jersey Area
You will discover that many females indigenous to New Jersey (aka Jersey Girls) have an unabashed infatuation with alcoholic beverages. Don’t twist my words around, I don’t mean that all Jersey girls are alcoholics, I just mean that many species (i.e cougars) of Jersey Girl are just as attached to a bottle of Corona (don’t you dare forget the lime) or a cold can of Coors Light as they were to their little plush unicorn named Harriet that they held firmly by their side every night as their parents tucked them in.

Poor little Harriet was such a cute little unicorn. She had white fur and a lavender mane. Her horn sparkled pink and yellow. She was there for Jersey Girl throughout her young, vulnerable years. As time went on and Jersey Girl had her first beer, Harriet the Unicorn grew lonely and felt shunned. Jersey Girl’s world, which was once full of wonder and amazement, was now composed of 50 cent drafts and endless happy hours. Calling her a whore would be out of line, even though her mouth’s favorite pastime was chugging $2 dollar long necks. Instead of playing beauty parlor with her little girlfriends, Jersey Girl’s friends grew up to be in charge of holding her hair back when she had to make a routine trip to the vomitorium. 

When she was just a little Jersey Girl, she was unaware that when she got older, Harriet the cuddly little Unicorn would have to go into years of therapy because she was ignored by her owner. Just so you know, Unicorns can grow very depressed when they are cursed at with slurred speech. Listen up ladies, remember who brought you to the party. It wasn’t a bottle of malt beverage that you rode on in your daydreams, it wasn’t cerveza that jumped over rainbows for you. Even though Harriet the Unicorn didn’t help Jersey Girl pick up that hot, tanned, juiced up Guido at Headliner last summer, she can still inflict a major puncture wound on him with her magical horn and deflate his pump after she gets wind of how he backhands you in drunken arguments about how you don’t like his stupid dancing and full body stubble.

This parody of the classic Corona logo is odd for a few reasons. First, there is a Jersey Shore reference. Think about how the marketability of anything “Jersey Shore” related has skyrocketed ten fold thanks to the MTV reality show. I also find it odd that this tee was not created in a baby tee style for a girl, as opposed to a regular male t-shirt style. I doubt a guy would walk around wearing this, unless he does all his clothes shopping in Shop-Rite. Would you wear this?

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 12: SLUTS!!!

NJ Sluts Slogan Jerkass Clothing

Don’t buy into all that mumbo jumbo Tom Waits was talking about in his song “Jersey Girl.” Jerkass Clothing seems to have a pretty definitive grasp on their true nature. As the stereotype goes, Jersey girls have attitudes, fake tans, tight stone washed jeans, use gallons of aqua net on their huge hair, and they always talk about “goin’ out faw cawfee.” In defense of the Jersey girl, the New York accent has somehow spread like a disease across the river. There’s actually only some Jersey girls that sound like Fran Drescher. Jerkass has fearlessly produced a t-shirt that celebrates a characteristic that all Jersey girls may or may not have in common. Either way, I’m pleading the fifth on this one.

NJ Sluts T-Shirt Jerkass
This whimsical ladies t-shirt is also available in men’s.

You can visit Jerkass Clothing at this link.