Barbie: This is Why She’s Hot!

Skipper was the younger, more experimental sister of Barbie. She was certainly trendy but not as mature as Barbie was in terms of her chest region. Skipper was just discovering the world right along with me. Her and I had alot of chemistry. We both loved the beach and doing other cool stuff like well…going to the beach. You see, when I was 4 years old, it was much more appealing to be involved with an energetic, fresh faced, blue-eyed blonde with spunk than a twenty-something skank who’s been around the block more times than an ice cream truck. She was right up my alley because she was young, petite, and had blonde hair. She was everything I looked for in a girl. Skipper’s appearance changed numerous times throughout the years but the cute, blonde skipper is the one I remember.

Skipper seemed filled with a lust for life that Barbie seemed to have lost. The thought of Skipper being closer to me in age really grabbed me. I felt like I had more of a chance with her. Barbie was off in her Dream House with Ken biting her pillow while the vulnerable, impressionable, and parentless Skipper didn’t have much to do. I felt like even though I was younger than her I could sort of rescue her from her older sisters neglect and out of control cocaine habit. Remember, it was the ‘80s.

She wasn’t a promiscuous teenager either. She liked the chase. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be with her. When Barbie was babysitting Skipper, I would come and hang out with both of the hotties. And naturally, my chances were a lot better with Skipper, although if Ken was at work who knew what types of debauchery could take place in the DREAM HOUSE! OK so, nothing really badass happened like that but I did get to “explore” quite a bit.

I remember being very distressed over the fact that Skipper shared the same name as a character on Gilligan’s Island, a show I watched relentlessly as a kid. Lets face it, Skipper wasn’t really nautical in any way but who said Barbie dolls made any sense? I can’t provide a good reason as to why Skipper had numerous other ludicrous nicknames. Let’s take a look at some: Hot Stuff Skipper, Horse Loving Skipper, (that‘s just wrong, why didn‘t they just name her Bestiality Skipper?) Super Teen Skipper, (what a coincidence, something just popped up on my computer screen that said Super Teen Stripper) And finally, talk about overlap, there was Sun Lovin’ Malibu Skipper and Sunsational Malibu Skipper!

While I was very young I was attracted to Skipper but as I started to get a little older I began to appreciate the finer things in life. As a few years past, Jem and the Holograms opened new doors for me. What could I say, I liked the rock chicks with big hair. Not only in cartoons but in real life I was digging rocker chicks also. From Lita Ford to Vixen they had the spotlight when I was a kid.

So, my taste in women matured when Barbie suddenly decided she wanted to be a rock star. It was 1985 and Barbie wouldn’t let Jem and the Holograms steal her thunder: “No way bitch I’ve been around for 25 years and I could rock out too.” Hence Barbie and the Rockers were born. What 7 year old boy wasn’t at least a little turned on by Barbie and Rockers? Okay probably NONE of you. But they did have their own stage and instruments!
Chicks with multicolored hair have always been a huge turn on for me. Chances are, if you have any type of neon color running through your hair I’ll think it’s cool. I’m easily sold. Perhaps this was a residual effect from the Jem period of my youth?

This article doesn’t mean I have some kind of weird doll fetish but DAMN people have fetishes for everything nowadays. There’s porn of cartoon characters which baffles me. How anyone can get off to that is beyond me. I seriously wouldn’t doubt there’s a niche for doll erotica. This article is merely about the shock that came over me when I realized, “Holy Shit, Barbie is f’n HOT!” Old school Barbie dolls were pretty generic looking dolls. They’ve gotten more glamorous and detailed over the years but they haven’t been closer to resembling an ACTUAL HOT CHICK than they do NOW! And Supergirl? Fughetabout it! Cosplay Barbies? Wowee. Who doesn’t love a girl dressed as Supergirl, Batgirl, or Wonder Woman? All of us geeky superhero obsessed dudes would take that any day. Ahem..If she wasn’t made of plastic that is.

What do you say after taking a look at some of these hot Barbie bitches? Keep in mind, I’ve taken these photos for research purposes only. Let’s be honest, what kind of creep stands around Toys ‘R Us and takes pictures of Barbie dolls with his phone? THIS CREEP! The following question is for guys, bisexual girls, and lesbians: Tell me if these dolls were real people you wouldn’t want to f–k them?

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: CLAMP CHAMP

This just in… The Eternian Royal Guard has just released new information about another so-called “Master of the Universe” who has come under police scrutiny at the moment. Known previously to the masses as simply Clamp Champ, this dangerous sex offender has been a wanted criminal for 20 years. As if it needs to be said, his calling card is his superior clamping abilities. Through public Eternian documents it’s been discovered that Clamp Champ dropped his first name which was originally “nipple.” Nipple Clamp Champ, as he was known, was regularly found in the seedy sex clubs of Eternia.

His perverse habits of clamping onto Eternian women’s nipples and not letting go gave him a reputation for being quite the ladies man. Here’s where the story goes south. Nipple went off the deep end and began to clamp onto women’s buttcheeks, and even whole entire breasts. His death grip would leave nasty indentations on the women’s private areas which made them extremely perturbed. This landed him in hot water with the Eternian Royal guard. In 1986, they red flagged Nipple and put out an APB for him and since then he’s been wanted by the government. A recent investigation claims Clamp Champ makes replicas of his mechanical clamper and sells them on fetish websites. If you are compelled to buy a nipple clamping mechanism for whatever reason, please think twice as you may be buying from an unsavory fellow.

WARNING: Clamp Champ has also been known as “Nip the clamper”, “Reginald”, and “Silly Bitch.”
WARNING: If he does come in contact with you, he WILL attempt to clamp onto your nipples or put a deathlock on your buttocks with his clamper. If you see this man of hear of his whereabouts please contact your local police.