ShopRite or Shangri-La?

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Adults traversing their entire state chasing down juice boxes is normal right? Who knew we’d be grown ass adults searching feverishly for a tiny box of green juice that we used to bring in our lunch boxes as kids. It makes sense though, it’s sort of similar to finding the fountain of youth. Ecto Cooler hasn’t been on store shelves in so long that having the opportunity to suck that ectoplazmic green elixir out of that beautifully retro Hi-C container is worth going to the ends of the earth for, or in my case, New Jersey. And I pretty much did just that. Those color changing Ecto Cooler cans were procured on a wild goose chase that you can hear on a recent Purple Stuff Podcast, but the elusive juice boxes were still, well…eluding me. By the time you read this, you’ll probably have gulped down 3-4 cases of juice boxes already, but let me tell you about the night that I finally found them.

Continue reading ShopRite or Shangri-La?

A Clerks Dark Ride? A Bit of Disney In Leonardo, NJ

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In the first episode of the Clerks; The Animated Series titled “Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision To Make,” Billionaire Leonardo Leonardo makes his triumphant return to Leonardo, NJ and unveils his giant monument of consumerism, Leonardo Tower. Naturally, Jason Mewes thought the tower looked “like a big bong.”

L.L’s new tower is all part of his diabolical plan to turn the town of Leonardo into a “doomed pleasure resort town where the people of Leonardo will work underground as mindless slave drones and live off the crumbs of the rich…”

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He strategically erected his new store the QuickER Stop right across the street from the real Quick Stop, nearly putting Dante and Randal’s livelihood in jeopardy. The original Quick Stop is about to go out of business, but fortunately, something good did come out of all this: Dante and Randal get the chance to go on a cool “dark ride” style tour of the new QuickER Stop.

As an homage to one of my favorite places on earth, Disney’s Haunted Mansion, Dante and Randal hop into a revolving Doom Buggy outfitted with a speaker to hear Leonardo’s braggadocios voice-guided tour. When the ride comes to the end, a ghostly greenish-blue apparition of Leonardo Leonardo appears in between Dante and Randal in their Doom Buggy!

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After the tour of the QuickER Stop, the guys attempt to foil Leonardo’s master plan. On the way, they bat-climb up the Leonardo Tower only to encounter two doorways. One is a your average completely regular doorway while the other is the MAZE OF DEATH! Out of two options, the marginally intelligent clerks chose the MAZE OF DEATH! Mwahahahaaaa!

New Jersey: Future Home of The World’s Largest Theme Park? by Mike Fireball

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(Image credit: Six Flags Great Adventure)
Our guest post today is from a friend of The Sexy Armpit and former Progressive Boink writer Mike Fireball! Even though he moved out of Jersey and down to Florida, he still knows quite a thing or two about the Garden State…and theme parks! In this post he’ll tell us all about the exciting developments happening at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson NJ. Take it away Mike!


Quick! Guess where the biggest theme park in the entire world is.
If you guessed Florida — and of course you did — you are correct.
For now. Because by next summer, that honor will belong to the Garden State.
Last week, Six Flags Great Adventure announced plans to overhaul the Wild Safari area next door, converting it from a separate, extra-cost experience to an attraction inside the main park.
With the addition of the new “Safari Off Road Adventure” in 2013, Great Adventure will more than triple in size, effectively making it about 10 acres larger than the current largest theme park in the world, Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida.
“Safari Off Road Adventure will take you on the most intense, up-close animal experience of your life. First you will enter the amazing, fictional world of the Wilds Family, who have traveled the globe to bring the most interesting and exotic creatures to their home in Jackson, New Jersey. Once through the rustic loading station filled with artifacts from the Wilds’ global journeys, you will hop onto a rugged, open-air, Safari vehicle with 34 other explorers to begin your wild adventure.
“Skilled, informed drivers will drive you off-road and up close to the animals as they splash through ponds, climb hills, cross bridges and venture over rugged terrain.”
The expected title change is a bit bittersweet for me, as I moved from New Jersey to Florida 5 years ago, and have grown to love living in the Orlando area. But if Disney had to get beaten in the largest theme park department, I’m glad it’s a familiar place. Even if it’s the same place that shut down the Great American Scream Machine to make way for a stupid Green Lantern roller coaster.
Of course, it took a safari ride to beat Animal Kingdom. If you’ve ever been on the Kilimanjaro Safaris ride at the Disney park, it’s no wonder it’s the current largest single theme park in the world. It’s a 22-minute-long drive through what looks and feels like a vast African outback.
And just like Kilimanjaro Safaris, another big change coming to the new Safari Off Road Adventure ride is that private vehicles will no longer be allowed in the area. Guests will instead be driven by a tour guide.
It’s a smart move by Great Adventure, and one that will certainly make a lot of folks happy about not having to pay extra to pet a giraffe.
So enjoy your status as the soon-to-be home of the world’s largest theme park, New Jersey. But don’t get too comfy; you probably won’t be sitting in that seat for too long. Disney’s Animal Kingdom has its own plans to expand, with construction set for a new area based on the movie “Avatar” is set to start next year. By Eywa, the Mouse will have his revenge.

Mike Fireball

Thanks to Mike for the guest post! Check him out at his Tumblr where he posts about pop culture, nostalgia, and all kinds of cool stuff: http://mikefireball.tumblr.com/ and on Twitter http://www.twitter.com/mikefireball

Santa Brought Me Some Cool Shit

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KISS + The Beatles = The Beats T-Shirt and Batman lounge pants and Bat-Beer Koozie

Coal is some HOT shit. Instead, I got some cool shit for Christmas. Every year I’m very appreciative of the gifts people give me, the time and effort they put into choosing, buying, and wrapping them, and this year is no different. As usual, the holidays passed by so fast, and now I finally have the chance to look back at some of my gifts.

Usually it’s hard to even think of ideas to tell the people in my life who aren’t sure what to get me for Christmas. But it should actually be pretty easy come to think of it. I’ve liked comics, Batman, WWE/WWF, music, movies, KISS, SNL, Disney, and horror movies since I was a little kid so there’s a wide range of stuff to choose from right there. You can’t go wrong with a person who has a lot of interests.

Oh, and of course there’s my little obsession with the toxic sludge flooded state I call home. As highlighted here on The Sexy Armpit, pretty much anything Jersey related will also do the trick. To avoid having to do the previous rundown every time someone asks me for ideas, I usually just ask for some Tinker Toys…and iTunes and Amazon gift cards. The ‘Pit Crew picked out some really great ones this year. Let’s take a look at some of them:

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Disney Traditions Hitchhiking Ghosts Statue by artist Jim Shore

I’m a foolish mortal, and a HUGE Haunted Mansion fan. Last time I was in Disney World, I drooled over this baby in every store we shopped in. Thanks to Ms. Sexy Armpit for this badass surprise!
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Funky Chunks Soaps!

When you’re done reading this, click over to FunkyChunks.net and pick up some of their creatively handmade 100% Vegan soaps. Their soaps smell amazing and lather up nicely. After you’re done perusing, read about Michele Rosta, the former punk rocker from Cleveland turned New Jersey soap maker. I was happy to receive The Jersey Devil soap (pictured above) with an order I placed for Christmas. This gray, concrete looking bar of soap smells awesome and has a masculine sensibility, while their Jersey Girl soap (below) is more of a chick soap.

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For you non-Jersey maniacs out there, don’t worry, they also offer soaps that aren’t Jersey related such as Frosted Pumpkin, Bewitched, Secret Sin, and Lavender Lemonade to name a few. Trust me, if your mom is going to put soap in your mouth for dropping an F-bomb, you better pray it’s Funky Chunks!

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Ghosts of Central New Jersey and Hot Wheels FrankenBerry Van

My sister picked me up The Ghosts of Central Jersey by Richard J. Kimmel which is right up my alley, but I must confess, I bought the Franken Berry van for myself at Pathmark of all places. 

If Disney Made MTV’s Jersey Shore

Stumbled onto this parody while on YouTube. Many of you might just say…”wow, this user has too much time on their hands,” but xXCaraTabrettXx actually did a pretty damn good job. I’m surprised Disney hasn’t yanked it off yet.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oACE-zw6nE?rel=0]

Kick Buttowski, Amy Winehouse, and a Snowstorm: Happy Halloween 2011!

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19 inches of snow fell in West Milford, NJ over the weekend. Many people around the state lost power, but that didn’t stop us. It was the weekend I’ve waited for all month long…Halloweekend!

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Despite the unexpected and unwelcome snow storm, October is still without a doubt my favorite month. I know that many of you share that sentiment otherwise you wouldn’t be part of the Countdown to Halloween blogathon that takes place all month long. Every year since I was a kid, I had my costume picked out and prepped well over a month ahead of time. Actually, to the many people who don’t give two shits about Halloween, this post is not for you!

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This year for Halloween I was inspired early on. One of my favorite cartoons for the past couple of years has been Disney’s Kick Buttowski. I watch it any time it’s on so I decided to get a little animated and become him for Halloween! Coincidentally, the little suburban daredevil is voiced by New Jersey’s own CHARLIE SCHLATTER, an actor who is basically a cult icon around The Sexy Armpit. You may remember him from playing Ferris Bueller in the short lived TV show incarnation. No one really knew who I was, which I expected. This one was for me. A ton of people thought I was the race car driver who recently passed away. I never insult the recently deceased like that unless I’m paying homage. Speaking of paying homage, pictured below is Ms. Sexy Armpit paying tribute to Amy Winehouse. She was easily the best Amy Winehouse I’ve seen this season.

Amy Winehouse Costume 

We attended Paranormal Books’ Annual Halloween party at Asbury Lanes on Saturday and yours truly was asked to be one of the guest judges for the costume contest! What an honor! You can see inside the bookstore if you watch The Sexy Armpit Halloween Special on our YouTube page!

I want to thank you as always for stopping by The Sexy Armpit this month, even if it was for a few minutes. Also, a BIGGER thanks if you watched The Sexy Armpit Halloween Special! If you enjoyed it, there’s more shows like that on the way. On behalf of everyone who makes The Sexy Armpit happen, we had a blast all month long. Thanks to you and all the other bloggers out there who entertained us as well with their spooky countdowns! If you have a moment, please leave a comment and let us know what your costume was this year! Happy Halloween…mwahahahahahaaaa!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.58: Toy Story 3

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Woody, Mr. Pricklepants, Buttercup, and Trixie in Toy Story 3
WOODY: “…Hey guys look I don’t know where I am!”
TRIXIE: “We’re either in a cafe in Paris or a coffee shop in New Jersey…”

I’m all for a company who milks their properties for all they are worth. Sometimes though, Disney really scrounges. For instance, I had no idea there was a third installment of Cinderella, let alone a sequel! Yes indeed, you can look it up for yourself, Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time went straight to DVD, and so did Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea. There’s also a Little Mermaid prequel, Peter Pan 2, Fox and the Hound 2, Lilo and Stitch 2, Tarzan 2, Mulan 2, Lady and the Tramp 2, Pocahontas 2, 101 Dalmations 2, and perhaps the most baffling…The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Seriously? Journeying into Pixar territory we have Cars 2, and today’s movie: Toy Story 3.

When the original Toy Story was released in 1995, I thought it was an incredibly imaginative film, and I still do. The Toy Story franchise is one of those Godfather type instances where the sequel may actually be better than the original, or at least funnier. I never thought I’d see a follow up to TS2 10 years after the sequel was released, but leave it to Disney! While I still love TS2, part 3 was pretty friggin’ great also. 
Although I thought it was released too long after Toy Story 2, there were a couple of things I loved about Toy Story 3. First, the story continued in a perfect way. In case you haven’t seen it I won’t spoil too much, but I identified with the film because when I was a kid my Dad broke it to me that I was growing up and I needed to part with my toys because I wasn’t a kid anymore. We gave a lot of my toys and action figures to the local day camp – a catastrophic event that I’m sure a lot kids endured. It was pretty frigging devastating for me, but as we see in Toy Story 3, it’s more devastating for the toys! 
The casting of Michael Keaton as the Ken doll scored major points with me. The world always needs more Michael Keaton. I miss seeing him star in movies and we need him back in a big way. His voice role as Ken allowed him to go back to his comedy roots and really do what he does best. When I first watched the movie I wasn’t even aware that Keaton was going to be the voice of Ken so it was a cool surprise. There’s nothing like hearing Michael Keaton play one of the most famous dolls of all time. He plays Ken very vain, but with a wink. He brags about his dream house having an entire room just for trying on clothes and compliments Barbie on how much he loves her legwarmers. I’ll tell you one thing: Taylor Lautner couldn’t have pulled that off!

Toy Story 3 is streaming on Netflix now!

A Little Bit of Jersey in Disney World

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photo from 2719 Hyperion

Since I just returned from a trip to Disney World, this is a perfect time to take a look at a very random Disney/Jersey connection. I found it a few months back while absorbing the posts of the 2719 Hyperion blog which deals in all facets of Disney. In one of their Vintage Snapshot posts by Jeffrey Pepper in June 2011, an old photo of a crate reveals that The Sexy Armpit wasn’t the only bit of Jersey in Walt Disney World.

If you aren’t familiar with the Imagineers, they are the bright folks who design the attractions and use psychology to formulate minute details around the Disney theme parks that make the experience so awesome. Occasionally, as Jeff Pepper mentions in his post Vintage Snapshot! – Early Crate Parkeology, the Imagineers like to label random items around the park with Disney references and even little inside jokes. As if there aren’t enough Hidden Mickey’s and other secrets to search for around the park, crates are apparently another popular item to look out for.
The photo above, provided by 2719 Hyperion, shows two crates on the Jungle Cruise circa 1972. Visible in the photo are two addresses written on each crate. The crate on the left says it belongs to Leon Okerman who has an Orange, NJ street address – one that doesn’t even exist on Google maps. I can’t really make out what it says under the address except for the word PAINT in all uppercase letters. The crate on the right is for R.H Jeschke and has an Atlanta GA address that doesn’t exist either. 2719 Hyperion posed the question as to whether this was actually another one of the Imagineers inside jokes or did these two people actually exist? Just another little mystery in Disney World! 

DISNEY’S Boardwalk Empire?

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What’s most likely the furthest thing from your mind when visiting Disney World: New Jersaaayyyy. The idea of taking a trip to Disney World is usually to get away from all the hustle and bustle. But, as many times as I’ve been to the happiest place on earth, I never realized that one of Disney’s deluxe resorts is inspired by early 20th century Atlantic City and Ocean City NJ. So much for a magical getaway from The Garden State!

It seems the mouse house capitlized on their own “Boardwalk Empire” nearly 15 years before HBO aired their period drama. Opened in 1996 and located near Epcot and Disney Hollywood Studios, The Boardwalk Inn and its boardwalk have been compared to shore towns along the Northeastern coast of the U.S in the 20th century, but Disney specifically mentions Atlantic City in the description on their website.

The Boardwalk itself is an actual stretch of boardwalk on Crescent Lake built in the style of Coney Island and Atlantic City in their heyday. The Boardwalk features unique shops, restaurants, and the only microbrewery in Walt Disney World. Also, one of the restaurants is the ESPN Club, a modern sports bar. Got to give Disney points for accuracy. There’s a couple of things you’ll never have a problem finding in New Jersey: beer and sports bars.

Trip Advisor reviews for The Boardwalk resort are pretty high, but one complaint seems to come from people who stayed in rooms overlooking the actual boardwalk. Noise from Disney’s Boardwalk is common since occasionally there are bands playing. There’s also a boat that will transport you to the nearby parks and it blows a horn when it pulls in to the dock located on the boardwalk. If none of that bothers you then you might want to stay there on your next Disney adventure.

From the Disney World website:

“Disney’s BoardWalk Inn is a Disney Deluxe Resort that captures the charm, whimsy and elegance of 1940s Atlantic City. Sitting along a boardwalk packed with amusements, the Resort offers dynamic views of activity below and of the glittering waters of Crescent Lake.”

“Stroll along Disney’s BoardWalk during the day to explore the unusual shops and restaurants. When the sun cools down, the nightlife heats up with street performers, food vendors, midway games and lots of live entertainment.”

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 43: St. Patrick’s Day in Hoboken

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Limited Edition St. Patty’s Day in Hoboken 2010 T-Shirt available at Solid Threads

Every day in Hoboken is a big drunkfest, so I bet Hoboken will transform into one big geyser of puke on St. Patrick’s Day. It was that exact reason why I did not attend The St. Patrick’s Parade in Hoboken on March 6th. There’s too many people acting like idiots and I have a feeling I would have wound up getting angry and turning green like The Incredible Hulk. Where do you think we are, Cancun? Join me as I suck the life out of St.Patrick’s Day.

The St. Patty’s day parade in Hoboken and St.Patrick’s Day in general is another excuse to drink heavily and wear my least favorite color. I don’t care if I sound like a party pooper, but the holiday never appealed to me. When I was a kid I was fond of the Main Street Electrical Parade in Disneyland, but, for the most part, I’m not really a fan of parades unless they involve The Joker and free money. Maybe if Lucky the Leprechaun personally knocked on my door with a few of his green string bikini clad leperhoe’s bearing gifts such as a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms awaiting me in an 18 wheeler outside then perhaps I would have more of an affinity towards the 17th of March. By the way, did I mention that a 16 oz. Shamrock Shake at McDonald’s contains 550 calories and 50 milligrams of cholesterol? When they concoct a healthier version maybe I’ll get excited for the perennial frozen treat.

It seems that the St. Patty’s parade in Hoboken is held just so the city can collect money. It’s another occasion for buzzkillers, err, I mean cops to hand out tons of tickets. An NJ.com article, 555 ticketed in Hoboken, 25 arrested St.Pat’s Day, was published a week after the parade took place and details the huge monetary loss from hosting the event. According to the story written by Mark G.Maurer, the cost of the parade “exceeded $125,000.”

Sure, public safety is paramount, but recouping at least a percentage of the wads of cash was also high on the city’s priority list. The entire police force was on duty as they awarded 476 summonses, some for open containers, jaywalking, disorderly house parties, and 41 of the instances were for public urination! Why do I even want to go to a parade where the streets are filled with walking disasters who are puking and pissing all over the streets? No wonder New Jersey gets made fun of all the time.