A Clerks Dark Ride? A Bit of Disney In Leonardo, NJ

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In the first episode of the Clerks; The Animated Series titled “Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision To Make,” Billionaire Leonardo Leonardo makes his triumphant return to Leonardo, NJ and unveils his giant monument of consumerism, Leonardo Tower. Naturally, Jason Mewes thought the tower looked “like a big bong.”

L.L’s new tower is all part of his diabolical plan to turn the town of Leonardo into a “doomed pleasure resort town where the people of Leonardo will work underground as mindless slave drones and live off the crumbs of the rich…”

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He strategically erected his new store the QuickER Stop right across the street from the real Quick Stop, nearly putting Dante and Randal’s livelihood in jeopardy. The original Quick Stop is about to go out of business, but fortunately, something good did come out of all this: Dante and Randal get the chance to go on a cool “dark ride” style tour of the new QuickER Stop.

As an homage to one of my favorite places on earth, Disney’s Haunted Mansion, Dante and Randal hop into a revolving Doom Buggy outfitted with a speaker to hear Leonardo’s braggadocios voice-guided tour. When the ride comes to the end, a ghostly greenish-blue apparition of Leonardo Leonardo appears in between Dante and Randal in their Doom Buggy!

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After the tour of the QuickER Stop, the guys attempt to foil Leonardo’s master plan. On the way, they bat-climb up the Leonardo Tower only to encounter two doorways. One is a your average completely regular doorway while the other is the MAZE OF DEATH! Out of two options, the marginally intelligent clerks chose the MAZE OF DEATH! Mwahahahaaaa!

Dawn of the Mallrats and Zombie Clerks

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“Dawn of the Mallrats” by Chris Ott
“You’re dead Mallrat” isn’t just a line in the movie anymore.
Nowadays it seems like everybody wants to be a zombie, walk like a zombie in a parade, or make zombie parody art, which leads us to today’s entry.
When checking out the London 1888 online store after picking up one of their shirts over the weekend at Monster Mania, I also noticed artist Chris Ott’s love for Kevin Smith.
“Dawn of the Mallrats” is a faithful mash-up print of Dawn of the Dead and Mallrats. The connection here, of course, is that monument of consumerism, a mall, actually, let me rephrase that – THEE MALL.
When it was released in theaters in ’95, Mallrats was my ultimate movie. You could imagine how a Jersey teenager who spent a lot of time at the mall, loved Clerks, and wanted to be a filmmaker like Kevin Smith, would latch on to a film like Mallrats so hard, especially considering that I lived about a thousand feet from two of the most popular malls in the state. One of which just happens to be the mall that has a truly convincing Easter Bunny.
In the artwork Brody and TS haven’t been inflicted yet, but we see that Jay and Silent Bob, Shannon, Gwen, William, that d-bag Mr. Svenning, and even Stan Lee are all full fledged undead. Even with just a quick glance you can see that Ott really paid attention to details. Clearly, William’s eye bugged out, quite possibly from staring at the magic eye picture of that sailboat too long…or was it a schooner?
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Christ Ott’s Zombie Clerks print: http://london1888.bigcartel.com/product/clerks
 
Also check out Chris Ott’s zombified Clerks print. The gang is all here out in front of the Quick Stop in Leonardo, NJ! Awesome stuff Chris!

Before and After: Silent Bob The Goon

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Technically Bob The Goon came way before Silent Bob, so that rejected Wheel of Fortune clue doesn’t really work. But it is true that there is a connection between these two beloved Bobs – and it’s more than just their names!

Bob The Goon is a character created for the 1989 Batman movie. Played by Jersey City’s own Tracey Walter (who has appeared in TONS of films and TV shows), Bob The Goon was The Joker’s main lackey. Putting it more simply, he was Joker’s NUMBER ONE GUY!!!

5 years after Batman, in 1994, Kevin Smith’s alter ego Silent Bob debuted in his own film Clerks. Silent Bob is the quiet, chilled out partner of his friend stoner friend Jay (Jason Mewes) and they later go onto several more cinematic adventures together.

As recently revealed by Kevin Smith on his Fatman on Batman Podcast, Bob The Goon was actually an inspiration for Smith in creating the Silent Bob character. Episode #8 (available on iTunes) is all about The Dark Knight Rises and like all the rest of the episodes – it’s totally FREE! You can’t beat that, thanks Kevin!

It’s pretty awesome that we New Jersey fanboys can be proud that not only Kevin Smith is a local icon,  but Bob the Goon is as well. Read more about Joker’s #1 guy in this post.

NJ Necklace Makes You an Official Guido!

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Yes it’s true folks, you only need $185 dollars to become an official guido! Thanks to the mighty Robeast Rollie from Beauty and the Robeast for finding this gold New Jersey charm necklace when doing some online shopping recently. Here’s the mildly humorous description from the Catbirdnyc.com website:

“New Jersey! Wear it with PRIDE! So tiny, and shiny – lends an unexpected refinement to what is not generally known as the home of refined ladies.”

The people who write the item descriptions over at Catbird obviously aced their sarcasm exam. OK, we get the point, they are trying to say that Jersey girls aren’t “refined.” It’s a blanket statement, but if you’ve watched Jersey Shore, then you obviously know that apparently everyone in the entire country is convinced that Jersey girls are SLUTS! And I’m here to tell you that it’s only partly true. You see, most of our girls are slutty, but not official sluts, so there’s a distinct difference! I know what you are thinking, “but Jay, how do we know if a girl is an official slut or just slutty?” Well, the answer to that is simple, and can be determined by a line in Kevin Smith’s Clerks. You are only an official slut if you have matched or surpassed the bar of “sucking 37 dicks.” But you can only be an official guido or complete dork if you actually wear this NJ state charm necklace.

Someone Will Get This Tonight…

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Is this classy, or what? This is how we do it in Jersey.

I’m basically a hermit, so asking me to go to your gift swapping party is almost like asking me to venture into the massive crowd in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I wouldn’t say I have a case of social anxiety, but I’m definitely the polar opposite of Randal Graves in Clerks, who hates people but loves gatherings.
What you see above is The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket, and one unsuspecting guest will tear open a ghetto looking package wrapped in A Christmas Story paper, only to see that this is their gift. I’m seriously hoping some random middle aged woman with a reindeer sweater winds up being the recipient of this, the ultimate gift basket.
The BTM gift basket’s versatility proves to be the mark of just how amazing this gift really is. If a dude is lucky enough to pick the number and rip into this one, he’ll most likely be ecstatic. If a chick opens this, she’ll most likely say “Oh my gawd…I’ve been meaning to buy a meat tenduhryza!” (That’s apparently how we talk here in Jersey) and be genuinely excited to have another kitchen utensil to add to their collection. But then there’s other girls who will nonchalantly mumble a raunchy comment about how they could take the entire summer sausage with no problems, and then, naturally, saying “I’m just kidding!…” but they aren’t. If an older woman gets the basket, they’ll most likely be fairly disgusted at how smutty of an idea this was and whoever came up with it should burn in hell, even in this time of joy and peace. Ahh well, they’ll make the sign of the cross and then it’ll be done with, all the while remembering fondly their college days when they were able to take 2 of those summer sausages with ease. If an older guy gets the BTM gift basket, without hesitation, he’ll be making his way to the DVD player as soon as the other people start concentrating on the next person opening their gift. After that, he’s in the bathroom doing himself dirty. Finally, I just hope there’s no kids opening presents tonight, but their parents have probably been meaning to give them “the talk,” and they’ll be seeing it sooner or later anyway.
So, if you go to any gift swapping parties this year, remember to give the gift of meat and breasts this holiday season with The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket.