I couldn’t go this one alone because I had a feeling it would be too good not to share with friends. Dinosaur Dracula happened to be in the mood for a cup of cheer (a.k.a Tequila), so we brought the ladies and I drove up to Fairfield, NJ. We were all going into this blind. None of us had been to The Ice Caverns before, nor did we even know much about it. I had read stuff about it online for the past couple of years, but considering it was inside of a place called Jody’s Silk Florist and Patio Center, I had my doubts and never made it out for it. To my surprise, this has been a well known Christmas tradition around the state since 1967, but by the time I muster up the motivation for excursions like this, Christmas is usually over.
After having to pull a couple of u-turns on Route 46, we parked and took in the surroundings. The exterior was interesting to say the least and we knew we were in for a real treat. The building looked like it was from the ’70s. Between the Christmas tree and shrub emporium next door, and the crazy statues all around, it all looked like a giant mish-mosh of retro insanity adorned in Christmas lights. Man, I already want to go back.
We didn’t even enter the building yet and Matt and I were already calling dibs on what quarter ride-on machines we were each going to spotlight. My intensity and the guttural noises emanating from my body regarding the Flintmobile seen here were not only obnoxious and loud, but made everyone shy away from me like I was a crazy person.
Maximum mark-out for the Flintmobile. After spending $250 dollars on what I thought was a simple trip for an oil change earlier that day, I had a bunch of other stuff I needed done and situations like that make me fantasize about riding to work in a car that absolutely cannot break down unless stepped on by a dinosaur and that vehicle is definitely The Flintmobile. Plus, if I had one I could quit my gym because I’d be getting a badass workout at the same time, but I’d show up at work like a sweaty disgusting mess. Scratch that idea, I’ll just snap the picture.
Making our way inside, our brains were bombarded with a bevy of Christmas decorations, trees, ornaments, dolls, and knick-knacks of all kinds spread over 10,000 square feet. That was all good, but just like in The Goonies, I felt like yelling “Where’s the gold Mikey!” I wasted no time asking the cashier impatiently “Which way to the Ice Caverns?” I was getting such a good feeling about what we were in for. It almost felt like the moments before going on an old rickety dark ride that is so classic it can’t be beat, even by todays standards.
Admission was reasonable, only about $3 bucks per person, a bargain in New Jersey. Even with that kind of pricing I still found their giant reprinted old school style Christmas coloring books to be way overpriced at nearly $20 bucks!
Originally, upon reading about a store that featured an intricate Christmas display, what I pictured in my mind was puny in comparison to the enchanting, vintage scenes they conjured up here at the Ice Caverns. Think old school department store windows, but made into a Christmas walk through attraction that will infuse you with more Christmas vibes than you can ever ask for. It’s basically an orgy of vintage Christmas ambiance, animatronics, lights, and Santa isn’t even the kicker! There’s one ultra-amazing window in particular that nunchucked its way into our hearts.
There’s a group of pizza loving amphibious creatures that live down in the sewer and know some fancy ninja moves, you know who I’m talkin’ about, right? That’s right, our friends the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had their very own custom made Christmas themed window scene, and folks, it was incredible. They called it a “Cowabunga Christmas.” In the scene, The Turtles all had Santa hats on and were set up in a sewer lair scene and were decorating for Christmas. Raph is dressed as Santa while Michelangelo balanced a pizza on top of his head. This was truly a Christmas miracle.
On the way to get some food afterwards, I commented on how the Turtles looked homemade and Matt made the good point that they had to have been leftovers from back in the early ’90s because they definitely looked like they were based off the movie Turtles. Either way they looked fantastic.
There were other awesome things about the Ice Caverns and our other exploits that night and I’m fairly certain you’ll be hearing about a few of the key ones over at Dinosaur Dracula very soon!
This is one of those quirky places that New Jersey is known for. We have so many of them that it’s easy to let them slip through your fingers. Hell, I didn’t even know about this place until recently and I’ve lived here my whole life. There are about 100 other obscure places like this around our state and thanks to blogs and podcasts they are getting a lot more buzz than ever. People like us, the nostalgia buffs and the pop culture freaks, we feed on places like this. This is the perfect day trip for kids as well as adult kids like me. The Ice Caverns will surely make you drool, but your drool will taste like peppermint of course and you’ll go home with your Christmas spirit jacked up to the highest degree.
The Ice Caverns are located inside of:
Jody’s Silk Florist and Patio Center in Fairfield, NJ
Jolly old Saint Nick delivers presents all around the world. You already know about that though. And you’re aware that he’s so fast, that if you blink, you’ll miss him. Since you were a kid you knew that if you’ve been good all year, you’ll be left with a plate of half eaten cookies and a slew of presents under the tree on Christmas morning. But no one actually sees any of this happen. One way you can experience Santa’s trek, not fully around the world, but around the country, is to take a look at the children’s book series “Santa Is Coming To…” by Steve Smallman. In my case, he came to New Jersey, duh! The question is, was it worth the trip?
This book series is basically Christmas fluff. It’s perfect to read to your young children during Christmas time. It’s not bogged down in detail, but that’s where it fails. The book series squirts some local flavor into each installment, some of which are inspired by states, others by cities around the country.
In the book, *SPOILERS, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has aged quite a bit. There’s a new, young reindeer, who saves the night for Santa after a blizzard throws the sleigh off course around High Point, NJ. Sprinkled throughout are modern enhancements that the Santa I grew up with didn’t have, such as an On-Star type of talking navigation system.
Critiquing a children’s book feels pretty damn wrong, although, as with most things, I do have one little gripe with it.
My main criticism of the story is that the hero of the book never gets bestowed a name or much of a personality either. The poor little guy didn’t get any credit. He was simply referred to as “the youngest reindeer.” Was the author too nervous to rock the boat that floats around in the lake of Christmas lore? Smallman should’ve been bolder and created his own new reindeer name. We find out numerous times that this new reindeer is young, but we don’t find out much else. He really needed a gimmick. After Rudolph became the most “Hollywood” reindeer, it’s imperative that any subsequent reindeer ups their game. I can’t really figure out if the book was about Christmas in general or this new spry reindeer. There. BAM! I just named him. Spry. If that’s taken by a trademark, why not just call him Vigor or something along those lines? See, I’m an idea man. They should’ve consulted with me first.
Rudolph was so memorable that Santa’s other reindeer now seem so dull. Each one now needs to have a special characteristic to keep them from boring children. Maybe one of them is able to twirl a basketball on his hoof like a North Pole Globetrotter, another one might be a halfway decent break dancer who’s practicing his ass off to go to the neighborhood break dance tournament, then there could always be that one really smart reindeer who has a genius brain, but feels like he’s stagnating in a nine to five finance position, but his superior mind becomes a great advantage to Santa when he’s called up by the big man in red to help the rest of the reindeer on Christmas Eve. These are all valid suggestions.
Come to think of it, the need to keep this book series generic is where it fails. To plug in all the various locales that the series offers into the same story requires the plot to be very broad, but it’s the lack of details and character development that will hinder it from sitting on your shelf with the other yearly Christmas reads.
The New Jersey aspect of the book was adequate. It’s hard to expect it to be a “tour guide” of the state by any means, but it was certainly pretty cool for what it is. We get to see a couple of nicely done art splashes of recognizable buildings and points of interest in Newark and Atlantic City. The cover of the book is really the best part since it brings it all together, plus it includes Lucy the Elephant and what looks to me like the Loews Jersey City Theatre. Robert Dunn’s illustrations have a vintage quality that remind me of the ones I remember seeing in story books in the library when I was young.
Should you go out of your way to get this book? The story itself is light reading, and since it’s a kids book, you can read it to them in no time. Considering a hardcover copy is $4.99 on Amazon at this very second, I’d say it’s worth it if you are into Christmas and New Jersey or you think your kids will enjoy it. Otherwise, you’ve seen all you need to see in this post. Santa is Coming to New Jersey will entertain the kid with a low attention span in your life during Christmas time, but it will never take the place of children’s classics like The Polar Express and How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Making Christmas a success for the kids can get pretty stressful. Trying to buy gifts for every kid in the immediate and extended family and verifying that everyone was treated fairly is a huge pain in the ass and a lot of work. There’s traffic getting to the mall and Target, there’s crowds everywhere, there’s annoying people at your family gatherings, and sometimes, it’s just a lot to deal with. For this reason I’m doing a public service and posting this recipe for “Santa Gria” Sangria that I found on a bottle of Santa’s Little Helper Wine from the Valenzano Winery in Shamong, New Jersey.
The Valenzano Winery always puts out cool special edition wines, and to see one this Christmasy is tremendous. Santa’s Little Helper wine wears its holiday cheer smack dab on the front of the label which includes holly, a silver backdrop of snowflakes, and Santa kicking back with a Christmas cookie and his favorite drank. Yes drank. It was my choice and I’m owning it. I established that the label is holiday themed, but the contents are to an extent as well. It’s made with both cranberries and white cranberries, as well as blueberries and grapes. It’s probably really sweet and perfect as a base for Sangria or Santa Gria as shown in the recipe below from the back of the bottle.
Usually, a lot of imbibing goes on during the holidays. If you’re like me and you don’t have kids, having some cocktails is less about “needing one” and more for sheer amusement. Let’s be honest, Aunt Rhoda’s intense perfume is a lot easier to handle when you’re buzzed and Uncle Todd’s lame jokes become somewhat to even mildly funnier. Don’t want to give that rat bastard too much credit.
Parents have a huge responsibility on their shoulders to make Christmas special for their kids. Christmas can be amazing at any age, but this is a holiday engineered for the children. As much as we think it’s still ours because the naughty Mrs.Claus costumes come out of the closet and we drink spiked egg nog, it’s not for us. But it’s important to not get stressed out and enjoy the festivities, so mix yourself up a drink!
We raise our tipsy hands, which are presently holding moose mugs, to you, the hard working parents who bust their asses to give their kids the best Christmas possible. I know my parents did it each and every year and I am so very thankful for that. Ahhh! Let’s go find your sister!
The ‘Pearls pounded their hits out to the audience as if it was a good ol’ fashioned Scut Farcus beat down session. They didn’t chintz out one bit as they included all the tracks they’re known for including “Who’s Coming Back To Who,” “Static,” and their big one “New York City Is a Drug.” Toward the middle of “Sucker for a Sequel,” they tore into an awesome break down which featured Tommy Mokas literally shredding his guitar while going back and forth with Tommy London and special guest Brian Newman on trumpet.
After blasting through a speeding bullet of a set, the gang, also known as The Rivington Rebels, departed the stage. Nobody in the audience moved a muscle because they knew there was a gift in store. Personally, I was positive the band would perform a Christmas tune, but which one? Would it be the rocking “Run, Run, Rudolph,” or the often covered by rock bands “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)?” Ultimately, their selection was a true gift, especially for me!
Personality plus drummer Mr. Marty E. asked the crowd if they wanted to hear more. Judging by the shrieks and applause, obviously they did! The band returned to the stage. When amped up front man Tommy London began hinting at a Christmas song, my mind started running through all the possibilities. I hoped it wasn’t just a quick bar of “Frosty the Snowman,” as a joke.
I was enthralled when guitarist Sunny Climbs started into the opening notes of Springsteen’s CLASSIC version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” The Dirty Pearls made this song their own by adding their own rock edge while still remaining true to The Boss’ version. With little nods to the original, this was truly a phenomenal surprise gift for their fans! Of course, I loved it even more since Springsteen’s Christmas songs are legendary around these parts.
Many of you reading this can quote all the lines from this film, but the rest of you? Why you haven’t seen this film is beyond me.
The man responsible for a handful of my favorite films such as Superman, Superman II, The Goonies, The Omen, etc, Richard Donner, directed this modernization of Dicken’s classic A Christmas Carol, and it deserves a rightful spot in your holiday celebrations. At first, its dark humor might surprise you, but if you are familiar with the tone of A Christmas Carol, it’s a borderline horror story. There’s ghosts and unsettling tension. Scrooged does you one better and also makes you want to do what the youngsters call “rotfl.”
According to Wikipedia, reviews on the film were mixed. Who cares? Don’t let that hinder you from this superb holiday enjoyment. It’s just soooo good. 4 o’s for effect. I mean FOUR EFFECT. And I meant it like OHHH, not simply just “O.” It is SOOOO GOOD.
Yes, it’s the same Scrooge story you’ve read and watched a million times, but it’s updated for a late ’80s audience. As TV Exec Frank Cross, Bill Murray will crack you up as he descends into eccentric paranoia. What makes this film even more special is that Murray’s superlative performance comes to life during Christmas time in New York City. With SNL and Ghostbusters, Murray is no stranger to NYC. And you know what place isn’t too far away, right? You got it! New Jersaaay!
Casting of the 3 ghosts in Scrooged was right on the money. Specifically, the Ghost of Christmas Past who was embodied by David Johansen. The N.Y Dolls rocker materialized in the form of a loud mouthed taxi driver. It doesn’t get more New York than that! Looking dirty and sleazy, he drives Cross right back to 1955 to take a look at past moments from his life.
What’s bothersome about that line is that we have drivers in this state from all over the country. I can be on a highway with New Yorkers, Floridians, Pennsylvanians, and folks from Connecticut amongst so many others. Regardless, I do enjoy the NJ reference and get a kick out of the stereotype.
The plot focuses on Cross’ mission to produce the schlockiest of Christmas Carol broadcasts to air on Christmas Eve – because it’s all about the RATINGS. Ratings are still important today, but who really cares about TV anymore? In the late ’70s and ’80s, TV networks and media groups were run like the world depended on them, and the world did. Even though we’ve mostly transitioned to the Internet for nearly everything, Scrooged retains a pertinent message.
Once Cross is reformed toward the end of the film, he completely shoots himself and his station in the foot by encouraging people to spend time with their families during Christmas rather than sit and watch TV.
I’m living proof of this. About a month ago I lost my remote control and I’ve watched exactly ONE show since then and I feel like I haven’t missed out on anything. It’s given me more time to be with friends and family. I don’t feel tied to cable. Screw you Comcast!
A Christmas Story will be on 24 hours in a few days, PLUS you own the DVD so, at the very least, you can do something different and make Scrooged a family event. Don’t blame me if you get a little misty-eyed toward the end! It’s all good. F*ck cable. F*ck satellite. Go play a game with your kids and give your Mrs. Claus a kiss. Merry Christmas!
Where were we? Snowstorm is looming. I’m just pulling into the Trop.
If you’re the geek/fanboy type like me and you’ve never been to the Tropicana in Atlantic City, there’s one thing that will strike you about it. Their parking garage is almost a replica of the one you see in The Dark Knight where Batman utters the greatest line in movie history “I’M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS.”
There’s never a time when I’m entering the Trop that I don’t pretend that I’m Batman in the Batmobile Tumbler navigating the wild mouse roller coaster-like turns and insanely steep inclines of that parking garage. It’s like a ride in itself. It’s also one of the more inviting garages in all of Atlantic City, because each and every one of them is abysmal. Bringing yourself to a near heart attack, getting rear ended, and not understanding the signage are constant possibilities in A.C’s parking garages. At least at the Trop you can pretend to have a run-in with Scarecrow and his goons.
Aside from the nasty accident I passed earlier, things were going strangely smooth. I even found a parking spot about 20 feet from the elevator to the casino. This translates to “I was meant to go to this thing.”
Once inside the casino, it did seem a bit light on people. Is online gambling in NJ taking away from attendance? It’s possible, or it was just the shitty winter weather putting a damper on people’s weekends.
The setting of the Bizarre Expo provided a refreshing change compared to the other conventions that we’re accustomed to. Holding the event at a casino adds a bit of glitz to what’s usually just a bunch of people standing around a hotel lobby or convention room when you really think about it. Chiller and Monster Mania, I love you guys, but the hotel setting is limited and does grow a bit stale. There comes a time after 20 years of a convention that it needs to graduate to the next level of facilities. Bizarre skipped a grade. If only it went to school in the Spring time.
What’s cool about having the expo at the Trop, is that you’re right on the boardwalk looking out at the freezing Atlantic Ocean. Since it was bitter cold, walking on the boardwalk is an activity reserved for those of us on shrooms, people who like running, and those who don’t mind a little hypothermia now and again. Here you have the option to gamble, or you can get really drunk and then walk through two big horror convention rooms as well as a movie screening room. I always choose the horror option.
After I got situated and registered, I made my way into the first large convention room. This room housed the aptly named Bizarre Bazaar. As soon as I walked in I noticed the “look” of the event. Something about the whole space just looked cool. It’s hard to describe, but it’s possible that it was the lighting. It definitely gave the impression that it was a step above other conventions as far as presentation goes. There weren’t as many merchant/vendor tables crammed into a tiny space in the way we are all too familiar with. This gave them a nice boost since it focused your attention to the tables and the people running them rather than missing stuff in order to navigate through a mob of people.
The Saturday installment of Bizarre had just begun. As the day went on more and more people started filing in. Luckily for me, it wasn’t crowded to the point where you couldn’t walk around comfortably. This is important because I get claustrophobic in crowds. Of course, the promoters of the event probably preferred the floor to be packed with people, but it’s way more frustrating for attendees when it’s like that. I always prefer a larger space that’s less crowded to a smaller space with the same amount of people.
Shannon from Mallrats wouldn’t be too pleased with me since I didn’t have much of an agenda. This was a brand new event and I really wanted to enjoy it and take in the scene. As I strolled around, it was cool to run into a few friends at some of the merchant tables.
My buddy Jess Rajs from Gorgeous and Gory was promoting the new 2014 Zombie Pinup Calendar. It’s filled with hot undead women and it’s a perfect gift for the person with a zombie fetish in your life. She firmly believes this one is their best work yet, and coming from a dude who has all of them, I have to agree with her! Check out some of these incredible photos and head over to http://www.gorgeousandgory.com to get your own!
I am a sucker for haunted attractions so I stopped by the Fear Factory Haunted House table. This is a newer haunt that I was meaning to get to this Halloween season, but, prior to its opening, it ran into all kinds of roadblocks from the town and it hindered them from having a proper opening season. Then, after talking to the girls from the haunt, I found out that there’s only TWO MORE NIGHTS of their Christmas haunt, Tinsel Town Terror. Not happy about the idea of missing this. Well, I made it to Bizarre A.C, so perhaps there’s a trip to Mays Landing in my near future for some yuletide terror?
Just so you know, skipping the merch tables and going straight for autographs is never a good idea. You’ll definitely miss out on cool stuff. I did manage to buy ONE Christmas gift. I was hoping to get a few more, but funds were diminishing. But, I will say that the $5 dollar margaritas were pretty cost effective.
The horror personalities were out in full force and Bizarre offered the opportunity to hobnob with them without getting shooed away due to crowds. Just a few of the actors I saw signing and chatting with fans included Heather Lagenkamp, Doug Bradley, Kane Hodder, John Kassir, Bill Mosely, Tom Savini, Alex Vincent, Micheal Berryman, former WWE Superstar Gene Snitsky, and Clerks’ Brian O’Halloran.
One of the Q&A sessions was going on as I was walking around the merch tables. This one was called “Being Jason,” and it featured Kane Hodder and Steve Dash answering questions from the audience about their experiences playing Jason in the Friday the 13th films. This was enlightening to several members of the audience who apparently have never seen or read Crystal Lake Memories.
Just before I made my way down the escalator to the 2nd convention room, I ran into our NJ friend Ryan Scott Weber, writer and director of Mary Horror and Sheriff Tom vs. The Zombies. At the moment, Ryan was screening Sheriff Tom and we were shooting the shit about the upcoming third part of the trilogy called Witches Blood. It’s coming out soon so look out for it! I also talked with the Jersey King of No Budget Horror, my pal Armageddon Ed.
After a while, weather apps and text messages kept alerting me to how bad the snow was getting up north. This meant that I had to miss out on the costume contest and some of the other truly Bizarre aspects of the expo and hightail it out of Atlantic City. In various parts of the state there was already 3 or 4 inches of snow. Oddly enough, the South Jersey area and Atlantic City was spared and only got rained on. As I made my way back up the Garden State Parkway, I was baffled because all I hit was rain. Then, sure enough, around exit 100, I abruptly entered Hoth. The rest of the trip home turned into my very own Twilight Zone episode called Nightmare at 15 Miles Per Hour.
Hosting a convention in December runs the risk of inclement weather. The snow definitely had an impact on attendance, but the expo kicked ass. If you didn’t make it, you missed out because the organizers improved upon horror fans gripes of other local conventions and it showed. Hopefully if this becomes and annual thing, the Bizarre Expo will only get bigger and more enticing next year. You’re going to look back and wish you were at the first one because you know how many jackasses (myself included) will be bragging about how “I was at the FIRST Bizarre Expo man!”
There’s an awesome vibe during Christmas time, there’s no question about that. The only thing that could make it better is if Halloween was also in December. Obviously that’s never going to happen (unless someone makes a Facebook page), but the kickoff of a brand new horror convention in Atlantic City is a damn good alternative in the mean time. For those of you who were unable to make it to the BIZARRE A.C EXPO, let me tell you all about it. You want the long winded version or the unfulfilling, super quick version? Just like you might feel like you’ve been swindled after you lose a ton of money in A.C, I could never screw you out of an elaborate, overly detailed account of my trip to the first ever Bizarre Expo.
Just a little point of reference. It will take you 3 1/2 hours to get from the highest point in New Jersey (aptly named High Point) to the lowest (Cape May.) To me, that’s not really that long considering it could take you about 5 1/2 hours to drive across the entire state of Pennsylvania. In sum, I consider myself lucky because even though Atlantic City isn’t in my backyard, it’s still close enough that Miss Sexy Armpit and I sometimes head there a few times per month. Ironically, if there was a Sexy Armpit trading card, gambling would not be an ability listed in my character description on the back. Fortunately, there’s a lot of cool stuff to do down in A.C beyond making deposits.
First, I consider the drive an integral part of my trips there. Often, the ride down the Garden State Parkway is a highlight of the excursion for me. I enjoy driving, especially when the destination isn’t work. I also love playing my music, bullshitting about nonsense, and guzzling a Monster or something caffeinated that will send me soaring way too early and crash before midnight. I need to stop doing that.
This time I rolled out early to make sure I was there roughly on time. We had an impending snowstorm on the way and I didn’t want to get stuck in it. Was it stupid of me to even attempt the drive to A.C with the threat of anywhere from 2 – 6 inches of snow? Probably, but to those who know me, I’m pretty much known for doing ridiculous things.
It was smooth sailing for the first 20 minutes. Some people enjoy actually sailing, like on water. Me, I prefer roads. Where we’re going there always has to be roads. I prefer driving over every other form of transportation.
I had my Christmas tunes on and I got into my zone. It’s possible I was in the actual danger zone, but I’m not 100% sure. Moments later, I confirmed that it was indeed the danger zone when I began to see all the cars ahead of me come to a complete stop. I knew there must’ve been an accident. As I passed the scene, there was literally 3 fire trucks, multiple other safety vehicles, and at least 4 police cars. What I saw wasn’t pretty.
There was a fancy black BMW with black rims crunched up into oblivion upside down and facing the opposite way of traffic. I immediately knew that whoever was in the car has to be dead or very seriously injured. This seemed so eerie considering the nature of the recent auto related death of actor Paul Walker. There’s been many times that I’ve driven passed an accident and never thought a thing of it afterward. This time, I took to Google to check it out, and an article on NJ.com proved to be surreal. It confirmed that the driver was killed. I reassured myself that it was Saturday the 14th, not the day prior.
I bet you you’re saying “Wow, I wasn’t expecting this post to become such a downer.” But, you like reality TV, no? It will get better, trust me. Just take this moment to remember how good you have it. You always hear that life is short, and for this unfortunate person, he won’t be seeing his family or loved ones for the holidays. So make the rest of this month count and spend as much time with your family as you can.
After exiting the danger zone I veered into the introspection zone as I quite often do while driving. Next thing I knew, I was on the Atlantic City Expressway and headed to the Tropicana. To summarize, I didn’t see a lot of people on the Parkway nor on the A.C Expressway. For a Saturday this was strange, but it was still before noon. And the snow was apparently still a thing.
WILL I MAKE IT TO THE TROPICANA FOR THE BIZARRE A.C EXPO? COME BACK TOMORROW TO FIND OUT! SAME SEXY ARMPIT BLOG SAME SEXYARMPIT DOT COM!!!
I’m excited to announce my participation in SHIT MOVIE FEST’S 25 Days of SHITMAS 2013! Tom over at Shit Movie Fest asked if I’d like to be a part of the festivities this year and I was honored! Naturally, I couldn’t throw myself into the mix without discussing a film that screamed JERSEY. After seeing some of the DVD’s that Tom picked up to review himself, I noticed one that I’ve been meaning to write about literally for years here at The Sexy Armpit and that is 2005’s JUST FRIENDS. I coerced Tom into letting me take on Just Friends and he was happy to oblige! Thanks Tom! Click the link above to head over to Shit Movie Fest!
Everyone seems to have pop culture ornaments on their trees nowadays. It’s become a huge business too. Some of these limited edition Hallmark ornaments go for big bucks on eBay. If you have any of these cool ornaments you’ve probably noticed that they seem to have become heavier as well. Clearly the ornament makers aren’t abiding by the weight limit anymore. Many of them need to be attached to two branches which is complete idiocy if you ask me. Any ornament that either bends a branch after you hang it, or needs to have some intricately designed support system, can suck it. I have a bunch of these pop culture ornaments, but I also have my fair share of ornaments I hung onto from my childhood. Take this Elf on the Shelf phenomenon. They really ripped off generic Elf ornaments from the ’70s and early ’80s. Look at this Elf on my tree pictured above. He’s so damn old, but I keep him because it reminds me of Christmases from years ago. The Elf on the Shelf people need to admit that the overall look and design of their character is definitely reminiscent of these kitschy elves I grew up with.
6. HOLIDAY FATIGUES
When I was a kid basking in the toy section of Alexander’s in Menlo Park Mall with my Dad, I used to see all the Star Wars figures that I wanted and I wondered what the hell did “fatigues” mean? Luke Skywalker in Bespin Fatigues. As a little Sexy Armpiteer, I had no clue what in the world it meant. Even sounding it out just made matters worse. FAT-IG-YOUS. Actually, to the 3 year old me, FAT-IG-YOUS translated to what we now know as WTF. Now that I’m older I realized that I have my own type of fatigues. In contrast to my regular getup, which is usually comprised of a t-shirt, sunglasses, jeans, hoodie, and a leather jacket of some type, as you can see above, I just modify the colors for the holidays. If I was a Star Wars figure, these would be my Holiday Fatigues. Add in some red or green and you too can have your own holiday fatigues.
A lot of people are wearing the ugly Christmas sweater gimmick, but I’ve just never been a fan of wearing sweaters. But you have to go with what you like, what you’re comfortable in, and what you look good in. Do you only like to wear Terry Cloth? Because anything red and green terry cloth will work. Keep in mind, it’s probably not a good idea to be taking fashion tips from a guy known in online circles as The Sexy Armpit. In my case, it’s a red t-shirt, red bandanna, and for some reason, a black jacket that I bought because I saw Jason Statham wear it in the first Expendables movie. HIGH FASHION! Then in addition to whatever ensemble you choose, why not throw in Santa hat or those fun headband with reindeer antlers? You might feel like an idiot, but who cares. Would I ever wear antlers? F*ck no. A Santa hat, YES. Unfortunately, I can never wear that specific Santa hat again since Sludgey has a habit of saturating all cloth material he comes in contact with in smelly green goo.
5. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
Read some holiday themed comics. I’m a sucker for comics and superhero stories with a holiday theme. Off the top of my head I have a few holiday comics that I plan on reading this season including DC Universe, Archie, and Ghostbusters. I’m looking forward to relaxing on the couch in the glow of my gaudy oversized Christmas lights and reading some comics.
4. YOU WANT TO GET NUTS? LET’S GET NUTS!
Lots of people get nuts because the holidays make them that way. This is a stressful season, so people who are nuts should just calm down, decompress and have some…nuts. Lots of people put out bowls filled with all kinds of mixed nuts, but who needs mixed nuts when you are really only ever looking for that one very special kind of nut. Some people put out Andies Candies, others put out peppermint bark, others opt for assorted chocolates. Whatever. I’m about to change your life. Well, not your whole life, just your holiday nut preference.
Toasted Coconut Cashews by MMMine! I tasted these during Thanksgiving and WOW they are good. Their catchphrase should be “They’ll blow your MMMind!” If you like toasted coconut bits and cashews, this is an out of this world concoction for you. This takes the act of snacking on some nuts to a whole other level. If these nuts were an appetizer at a fancy restaurant they’d be the jumbo coconut crunchy shrimp. Affordable and satisfying. I say affordable because they’re available at Costco, but that still means they were probably $14. Although I have no grounds for saying that because they were a gift to me. Thanks to Miss Sexy Armpit’s mom for getting them for me!
3. BIGGEST F*CKING SMORE YOU’VE EVER SEEN
Russell Stover is at their usual shenanigans again. I’m sure this giant s’more in festive packaging is part of their seasonal offerings every year, but I don’t pay attention. I only noticed it at Kmart because it was f*cking HUGE. I would never intentionally buy something this big since it would take me 3 1/2 years to finish it. I ripped a sample off and it was certainly delicious, but I found the marshmallow to be overly sticky like no other marshmallow has ever been. It was to the point that I felt like I was Clark Griswold with sap all over my hands, or The Sexy Armpit with liquid cement all over my hands. Naturally it’s impossible to replicate an actual marshmallow that you just toasted over a fire in your friends backyard. It’s obviously not as authentic. If you’re a s’mores fanatic you’re obviously better off making them yourself, but if you err on the lazy side when it comes to food preparation, these are great and one package could probably feed a party of 49 people.
You’re going to need to wash down the smores and the nuts with some liquid refreshments. Considering Egg Nog is virtually all fat and cholesterol, why not just load up on sugar drinks? I recommend a swank Tiki Punch by the classiest of carbonated beverages, Shasta. If only I had red and green drink umbrellas we’d be all set. This stuff tastes like Fruit Punch soda with a kick of Pineapple soda. Most fruit punches and fruit punch sodas have a hint of pineapple already, but this seems to taste like it has a little bit extra, which is where they get off referring to it as “Tiki.” Will this enhance your Christmas celebration at all? Absolutely not. Unless your wasted. Hell, I don’t even drink soda on a regular basis, but this stuff is reddish-pink so it’s perfectly acceptable for a holiday party. What I failed to mention is that a 4-pack of these only cost a buck at Big Lots.
Tequila? Red Licorice Vodka? Everclear? Pour whatever you like, but preferably into these kickass ceramic Toxic Wasted shot glasses buy Big Mouth Toys. I picked them up on Amazon for under $10 bucks. These fit right in at Sexy Armpit Headquarters since it matches our vibe. Matter of fact, I like them so much that I was fine getting stuck with the yellow one the last time I did a shot with Dinosaur Dracula. FULLER GO EASY ON THE PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS!