The Sexy Armpit Turns 4!

At the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month (there’s that number again!) World War 1 came to an end. 11/11 is now celebrated as Veterans Day, and in a completely unrelated coincidence…The Sexy Armpit’s birthday! Woooo-hoooo! The Big 0-4! I’ve taken the liberty to have Chef Allen of the Royal Palace whip up a special treat for all of us to enjoy. I figured it would help us celebrate such a momentous occasion!  

Jay: Yo, Chef Allen! Why don’t you have your guys roll that big mofo out here…

Photobucket
King Randor: Um, Jay?
Jay: Yes, King Randor?
Photobucket

King Randor: Don’t you think this ridiculously sized cake is a little much for only a 4 year anniversary?
Jay: Awww yeah! That’s the way we do it sucka! Hey Adora…are you impressed by it’s size? They say the size of a man’s cake is an indication of…
Photobucket

Jay: WTF? 
(all of a sudden there’s a blinding flash of light and a cool beaming sound effect)
Holy Shit! What the hell was that? Damn, I was just trying to enjoy The Sexy Armpit’s 4-year anniversary and you had to make it an exploding cake didn’t you Chef Allen? You mutha-
 

Jay: DID SKELETOR AND HORDAK JUST JUMP OUT OF MY CAKE? Oh man, I can’t think of a better present, thank you all so much! They were my favorites growing up. Hey guys…when’s your little strip dance? You are here for that aren’t you? That’s usually what happens when people pop out of a cake, especially gigantic pink frilly ones! Now I think you’re obligated, you owe it to these fine people. You can’t let them down now! At least Kobra Khan cause he’s probably got some trouser snake…umm, OK…I guess I’ll shut up now…

…gulp…
Hey Hordak, I bet you’re going to spray confetti or party streamers out of that thing right? Maybe bubbles or something to that effect? That’s such a nice gesture, you fellas are tops!
Photobucket

OK So, The Invisible Man, Frankenstein, and Dracula walk into a Diner…

Aren’t you sick of hearing that old joke “I read Playboy for the articles?” I’m sure as hell sick of it! If you’ve ever looked at Playboy, then you know it’s fine journalism is actually what sets it apart from any other “adult” magazine. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re a journalist, writing for Playboy is the pinnacle of success. In the world of adult periodicals, in Playboy you’ll not only find classy women sans clothes, excellent movie and product reviews, but also some of the most playful, smart, and vibrant illustrations. Here’s to adopting the new cliche “Playboy: I look at it for the illustrations!”

Photobucket

Photobucket

The October 2006 issue of Playboy featured a parody of Edward Hopper’s 1942 painting Nighthawks. This version replaces the folks in the diner with Universal Monsters. Nighthawks is a widely parodied painting and it’s concept was used for another iconic pop culture piece of wall art, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Gottfried Helnwein, which depicted Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Elvis Presley sitting in the diner. Savor this illustration because there aren’t many times you’ll be able to scope out a rare moment like this where The Invisible Man, Frankenstein, and Dracula are enjoying a cup o’ Joe together! What do you think they’re discussing?

Photobucket

There’s alot more to come here at The Sexy Armpit’s Halloween Hangout! Within the coming weeks we’ll have a couple of horror film reviews, another haunted house visit, a big contest, and my mission continues to put more Nocturna on the Internet!

At the kickoff of the Halloween Countdown, John Rozum and Wonderful Wonderblog printed “THE” list of blogs participating in this years Halloween festivities. I’m truly mesmerized by the photos, videos, and stories that these bloggers are sharing with all of us! It’s challenging to keep up with all the amazing stuff people are putting up but it’s worth your time to check these sites out. I don’t think there’s another time of the year that this kind of hard work and effort is put into blogging. Halloween really incites our imaginations and conjures up candy sacks full of nostalgia. Art by Bubba Shelby has the complete list on his sidebar and while you’re over there enter his “Face the Question” contest where you’ll be responsible for drawing a new face for The Question! I can’t even draw and I’m thinking of entering, so if any of you have artistic abilities you should enter as well!

Here’s the list:

All Eyes and Ears
Armagideon Time
The Armchair Chef
Art by Bubba Shelby
Azathoth’s Abode on the Plateau of Leng:The Dungeon
Branded in the 80s
Comic Coverage
Cool-Mo-Dee
Creepy Los Angeles
Dave Lowe Design!
Distinctly Jamaican Sounds
Diversions of the Groovy Kind
Dr. K’s 100-Page Super Spectacular
Dr. Squid’s Smorgasbord of Terror!
Drunken Severed Head
Frankensteinia
Franklin Mint
Geek Orthodox
Geektarded
Gothtober
Halloween Addict
Halloween in the Time of Cholera
The Hallowe’en Tree
Harvey’s Midnight Hour
The Holiday Queen
Horror Host Graveyard
The Horrors of it All
House of Wax
Mark Harvey’s World
Mike Segretto
Monsterama
Monster Crazy
Monster Memories
Monster Rally
Monsters and More
Moongem Comics
Mostly Ghostly
Music from the Monster Movies 1950-1969
Musty TV
Music You (Possibly) Won’t Hear Anywhere Else
Neato Coolville
Negative Pleasure
Nostalgia Factory
A Nostalgic Halloween
Oh the Horror
Orange and Black
Para Abnormal
Plaid Stallions
Plastic Pumpkins
Pumpkin Hollow
Pumpkinrot
Random Acts of Geekery
Sailormoms
The Sexy Armpit
Skull a Day
Sweet Skulls
Tales to Astonish
13 Visions
Tikiranch
Trixie’s Treats
Universal Horror Sounds
Valhella
Vinnie Ratolle’s Records
Weird Hollow
Wonderful Wonderblog
X Entertainment

The BEST posts of 2007

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays! I’m back from a fairly long hiatus from blogging. I can’t say it was a nice restful break either because the holidays usually stress me out. The traffic and people’s shitty attitudes really piss me off, but heck…they’re over! Now that it’s the last day of 2007, I figured I’d throw up a list of what I consider THE SEXY ARMPIT’S BEST OF 2007 as voted by Scarlett Johannson….nah shit I wish! As voted by ME! Thank you for reading and commenting. Happy New Year! There’s way more to come in ’08 and I look forward to putting up some of the most whacked out stuff yet. And now heeeere’s my top 10 posts of ’07.

10. Questionable Best Buy Ad – this is one of the “Must Read” posts from this site. Even if you don’t find it funny it really shows how ridiculous store ads sometimes are.

9. The Joe Francis Complex 

8. Night Walk – a long, but inspired account of thoughts running through my head during a walk through town at night.

7. Too Hard on the Two Coreys – in defense of the ’80s duo.

6. Knockoffs in Disguise – A sorry excuse for a Transformer.

5. CRUSH! A Sexy Armpit tribute – dedicated to the late pro wrestler Crush.

4. Illustrious Art found at Hooters? – It wasn’t a Picasso, I can tell you that much.

3. Tomes and Talismans – Turned out to be one of the most popular posts on this blog.

2. Getting High With Mr. Sketch – My love letter to scents.

1. Janine, She’s My Queen! – A risque love poem to fine ass Janine Melnitz.

What’s in a Blog Name?

It’s important to be honest with your audience. This is precisely why I’m going to share with you an idea that I’ve been wrestling with in my head for a while now. I’ve been torn as to whether or not I should change the name of this blog. It’s a month or so shy of being THREE years that I’ve owned and operated some form of TheSexyArmpit.com. As a guy who enjoys the peculiar and offensive, I thought it was a perfect name for the website that I was running. Following an egotistical name like “jayontherocks.com” I had to rebound with something original but not as focused on myself or my former radio career.

I’m pretty definite that I’m sick of explaining the meaning of “TheSexyArmpit.com.” Even though it’s always made perfect sense to me, people just don’t get it. Once I got smart and jumped on blogger, I wrote a quick synopsis in my profile. New Jersey or several towns in N.J have always been referred to as “The Armpit of America,” or “…of the Universe.” It just sounded funny to call a place that’s relentlessy dissed for being so filthy and grimy, SEXY!

Unfortunately ArmpitofAmerica.com was already taken. What the hell does that address link to anyway? NOTHING GOOD THAT’S FO SHO!! I could have done so much more damage with that name. I would’ve been inducted to the blogging hall of fame, I would’ve had rip away shirts with the name on it, I would’ve thrown frisbees out to the crowd with blog entries printed on them. In fact, ArmpitofAmerica’s satirical nature would’ve even tickled President Bush’s fancy and I would’ve already dined at the freakin’ White House wit ‘dem dare Bush folks. Now, of course, I will eat happily at White Castle instead of the White House. As you know there are many White Castles in the Armpit of America, that’s what’s so great about America. We can eat Burgers in a Castle in the middle of an Armpit. It’s pretty damn amazing. But when you have even your own father telling you to change the name of the blog, it kind of makes you wonder.

If you’ve read this far into the blog, I am basically in love with you regardless of your sex. As the British electro-pop icon extrordinaire D.J Shanks describes it “My small cult of underground fans.”

Walk of Shame

I just received these questions in an anonymous e-mail so I figured I would answer them and be a little interactive:

1) Jay, is this really your entry for the day?
I’m not kidding, this really is my blog update
2) There’s no way that this picture is real.
Scout’s honor…this isn’t photoshopped.
3) Cut the crap, who’s the graphics wizard who made this ridiculous picture?
I actually took this photo myself at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas.
4) Jay, I just watched the commercial for it, do you think one
would really need rush delivery of Monster Ballads?
No, I don’t think anyone would ever need rush delivery of Monster Ballads

A bird shit on my jalopy

First- My word of the week: JALOPY

You know that some car company is gonna come out with one. Some sarcastic car company will
use it in their “too clever for words” advertising scheme. I could see a company using against another. Why go out and buy the ’06 Buick Jalopy when you can afford a trendy new Infinity XG88TK421 special edition model that starts only at around $147,000. Jalopy is a cool mf’n word.

What a resounding response frome the G-String Blog!
Not only were those responses plenty but great in substance. It makes a man proud! I’m realizing that many girls I’ve asked actually have them and wear them alot. I guess some of the girls that I have been in contact with just didn’t seem to wear them and many said they were uncomfortable/annoying. I still think it’s open to debate.

A week or two ago I was about to get my clothes on for work. I put my pants on and realized that the button above the zipper was gone. This is an instance where I was in a state of total disbelief. These few moments were full of worry, anger, and skepticism. It’s funny how for those few seconds my mind was saying “This can’t possibly happen.” I was focusing more on the fact that a button has never came off any pair of pants that I’ve owned EVER. So I figured the chances of this happening were slim. I was wrong. My mind was in shock as to why nature would do something this cruel to me as I was about to leave for work. I was unprepared for an event of such diabolical proportions. What if I didn’t have another pair of pants on hand? What if I had a pair and they weren’t cleaned? I’d be up the creek. I would need to go to the pants store. Honestly, how many times have you slipped into your old ratty jeans that you’ve had for a million years only to notice that the button was missing? That never happens. I have a better chance of being sprayed by a skunk while jogging in a lime green spandex jumpsuit and listening to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes on my Ipod. That shit never comes up on shuffle mode.

—-I forgot to mention this. I figured I’d throw it in like a DVD special feature. Christmas morning I was getting gifts out of my car in my girlfriend’s driveway and after I pulled a bag out and a few packages I turned my head for a second and heard SPLAT! I looked back at my car and there was HUGE dumping of bird shit on my car window. I have never been so close to a bird shitting site ever. It always seems so distant. I was so close to being shit on by a bird. This bird must have been to China Buffet before he pinched that one out. My God. Thankfully it didn’t get on me or I would cry like a little girl and then throw myself in the creek and roll around until I drowned myself. That is another thing – how come almost everyone I know has been shit on by a bird? Guys and girls that I’ve spoken to claim that it’s happened to them. WTF? I’m not saying I want to join the bird shittees club or anything but I do feel that perhaps what they say is right. “IT’S GOOD LUCK.” How many times have I heard that? Is that just them rationalizing their horribly gross experience? Who knows. All I know is that I’m going to the bathroom to vomit right now. No no…I’ll hold it in and then when I see a bird outside I’ll blow my chunks all over it. How would they like it? Dumb birds.