Sports is always a topic at the forefront of conversation, along with the weather. I prefer talking about episodes of Charles in Charge but that’s just me. Even as a person who enjoys many sports I think some people take their conversations waaay into the stratosphere of sports nonsense. What do I care if Mr. Heebo Henry had 896 RBI’s and batted a .375 last year? I don’t care if Babe Ruth comes back from eternal rest and decides to play a charity game “just for the hell of it.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to the game, I’m referring to the obsessed fans.
Of all sports in existence, besides the ones I’m above average at (like mini golf and strip-trivial pursuit) I enjoy basketball and football most. What I don’t enjoy is having a 2 1/2 hour conversation about it. To me there’s nothing more boring than sports talk. (Okay maybe fantasy sports talk) A little dab’ll do ya if you know what I mean. Discussing stats, strikeouts, and games that happened 15 years ago are of little concern to me. The finer points of the “Perchance to Dream” episode from Batman: The Animated Series make for much more interesting banter. Or even the time Psycho Sid messed up his lines at WWF In Your House. What would you rather talk about, point spreads or your favorite Gremlin?
Some guys are way too into sports and girls usually hate it when guys talk only about sports. They’ll watch the game and ignore their woman. She just wants some attention. The girl tries to get into the game and wear a jersey of his favorite team and but it comes off forced. The guy appreciates the effort but truly, deeply just wants the girl to leave him alone. From my perspective, when watching wrestling, Star Wars, or anything else as geeky, we only wish someone else would get into it and share the greatness with us. You don’t have to search for sports fans, they’re everywhere! Look under your bed, I’m sure there’s one there still sleeping off his hangover after celebrating the Giants big win on Sunday. We as “fanboys” don’t like to push someone away for attempting to join in our fantasy world. Not fantasy football!! You need a freakin’ black belt in fantasy sports to understand what the hell they’re talking about.
Other girls couldn’t be bothered by sports. The most sports they’ve ever played were a few minutes of volleyball in high school. They hated that too because they broke a nail right after they had them done. These girls couldn’t decipher a touchback from a chair massage in the mall. They remain honest that they don’t know anything about it and don’t care. They don’t want their doofy whipped boyfriends to think they actually want to pay attention to something that their drooling puppy dog is interested in. The guy starts to pretend he’s not as into sports and tries to hide his hate, anger, and jealousy when he’s with his friends. This guy laments sports like it was a lost lover.
Some girls embrace their stupidity about sports but aren’t opposed to going to games and watching it on TV, even though it’s more of “just something to do.” Tailgating? Forget about it! They’ll drink beers and eat sausage sandwiches like its nobodies business, but the minute you ask them about their opinion on today’s game they stare at you blankly and start singing some Fergie song. I’ve actually heard a conversation where the girl was boasting about her lack of football knowledge during the Super Bowl that the punch line was “….and so I didn’t know what a touchdown was!” C’mon get real. Some girls play up their stupidity. I find it amusing when I hear a girl say “Michael Jordan….yeah of course I know who he’s like some sports guy isn‘t he?”
Occasionally you’ll meet a girl who is so fanatical that she keeps up with most guys in sports talk. This one is actually genuinely into sports. It’s my belief that this was a trait handed down by her father since she was a daddy’s girl. She hated her mother with a passion and wanted to scratch her poor mother’s eyeballs out of their sockets but if her dad says, “Hey Lisa want to go to the sports bar with me, get drunk, and watch baseball?” “But dad I’m only 12!” “Ahh it’s ok, it’s never too late to get into baseball!” These girls creep me out because their actually more opinionated than some guys when it comes to sports. You casually mention one thing about being a lifelong Yankees fan and they freak the f–k out. They want to throw down with you. “The Mets are the best team you mother f–ker….I don’t have to sit here and listen to this bullshit…you’re a fairy.”
Sometimes girls come off too knowledgeable with statistics and information that it seems like their just doing it to impress or lure an unsuspecting male companion. Usually guys are easily enticed and they eat that shit up. Many of my guy friends find it amusing to talk sports with a girl. He then envisions how great a relationship would be with her because all they would do is sit there and watch sports and eat chips. It rarely happens that way. And possibly the entire point of this post…Is it supposed to happen that way? Is it natural? Sports should be almost exclusively guy time unless the women in the room are scantily clad. But then again, that could be a distraction and the hardcore sports fan might be get frustrated when he misses an important play because he was in a daze of cleavage. I know I would miss all the important touchdowns if I had boobs in my nearby radius.
Put it this way, if a girl knows how many RBI’s a player has or could break down the different divisions of any given sports league, I opt out at that point. When a girl begins commenting on a tight end’s tight ass that usually means she‘s not much into the game. For instance, when it comes to the Super Bowl, every girl I know always says “I liked the commercials.” I can’t say truthfully that I don’t either. When millions of dollars go into making each second of the Super Bowl successful it’s never hard to enjoy the performances and commercials more than the actual game which rarely lives up to the hype. After asking a girl what she thought of the bowl last year, a girl told me: “I just liked the commercials.” I stared at her blankly and said “I really enjoyed that purple guy during halftime” and with that she replied, “Oh you mean King, right?” I said…”…yeah…King was great.”
I try to alter the situation so the girl is a huge WWE fan. I’m pretty sure it would be equally as creepy for me if a girl completed my sentences regarding who won the WWE Championship against Bob Backlund in mere seconds at MSG in 1994. Wait a minute..that would be really weird, but HOT! If she replied “Big Daddy Cool Diesel aka Kevin Nash” I would probably spit apple in her face Carlito style. Metaphorically, of course. I would also metaphorically crack a coconut over her head and drag her back to the Pipers Pit if you know what I mean. I would probably elbow drop her right there too. It wouldn’t bother me that she might know as much if not more than me about WWE, but it just seems abnormal. But wait…would I rather my girl say “Who’s Bob Backlund?” and then go back to twirling her gum and staring into space?